The next few days are going to be pure hell. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you. In the next year, you are going to have a lot more bad days than good ones. The only advice I can give is to hang in there; things will get better again. Don’t forget Alex, just cherish all the good memories you shared with him. I know it sounds so cliché, but the once the storm clears, the sun will shine again…
***
I fell to my knees as soon as Beth told me that Alex didn’t make it. This just had to be some sick joke. Things were going so great, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. How can he be gone? What am I going to do now?
I heard Kyle say, “Jack, are you still there?” He had taken the phone from Beth; I could still hear her sobbing in the background.
I took a deep breath, “Yeah, I’m here.”
He said, “I’m so sorry Jack.”
I paused for a moment and I said, “I want to see him.”
Kyle asked, “What?”
The tears began to flow, “Alex, I need to see him.”
Kyle said, “Jack, I’m not sure that’s a good…”
I said, “Please Kyle, I need to see him. This is not real until I see him.”
Kyle paused for a moment, “Okay, Beth and I are still at the hospital, but you are not going to drive here. I’ll come get you.”
I said, “Thank you.”
He said, “I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
I sat back against the wall and lost all control. The phone was still laying on the floor next to me, and I was bawling like a baby when Kyle walked in. He hung the phone up and pulled me to my feet.
He said, “Beth is waiting at the hospital. Come on, let’s grab you a change of clothes. I don’t think you should be alone right now, you are going to spend the night at our house.”
I offered no resistance as we went to my room and threw some clothes in a bag. I didn’t say a word as we drove to the hospital, Kyle just let me sit there and cry. He put his arm around me and led into the hospital to the waiting room where Beth was sitting. As soon as she saw us, she wrapped me in hug, neither of us could stop crying or let each other go.
A nurse walked in and softly said, “We have Alex in a private room, if you follow me we will give you a few minutes to say goodbye.”
The hospital was being very compassionate, The nurse said as she opened the door, “All of his injuries were internal.”
As Beth and I walked to the bed, Alex looked like he was just sleeping. There wasn’t a scratch visible anywhere. The only thing that looked different was that he was pale. Without any blood flowing through his body, he had lost all of his color. Beth and I both sobbed even more as we held each other looking at Alex. Kyle was right behind us with his hands on our backs.
I reached down and took Alex’s hand into mine, then I leaned to kiss his forehead. God, he was already cold. I laid his hand back on his stomach and pulled Beth in closer as we continued to cry.
Kyle’s hands went to our shoulders, “I think we should go, are you guys ready?”
Beth and I looked at each other and nodded, I said, “Yeah, I think so.”
We slowly walked out of the room, all three of us still holding each other. The doctor met us in the hall. He said, “I am so sorry for your loss. I know it will be no consolation, but Alex didn’t feel a thing. The crash was so severe, he died upon impact. If he had lived, he would have been paralyzed, his spinal cord was severed. Again, I know it doesn’t make it any easier, I really am sorry.”
Beth had already filled out all the paperwork, and the hospital called the funeral home she selected. We walked silently to the car and drove to their house without saying a word, there didn’t seem to be anything to say.
Kyle’s mom had come over to stay with the boys as soon as the hospital called Beth. Conner and Cole jumped up when they saw me walk in. Cole jumped into my arms, “Uncle Jack, I didn’t know you were coming over.”
I fought back more tears and hugged him and said, “Hey buddy.”
Conner asked, “Where is Uncle Alex?”
Kyle said “Come on boys, let’s get ready for bed. Give grandma a hug.”
They hugged their grandmother as did Kyle. She turned to Beth and I gave us both a hug and left. Cole asked again where Uncle Alex was and Kyle said, “Let’s get ready for bed, I have something to tell you.”
I didn’t envy Kyle; I know that was not going to be an easy conversation. Beth sighed, “Would you like to call your parents?”
I nodded as wiped away the latest round of tears, “Yeah, I guess I should.”
Mom said, “We’ll leave as soon as we pack some clothes.”
I said, “No, you don’t have to come down tonight, it’s already after ten. You can come down in the morning. I am staying with Beth and Kyle tonight.”
Mom said, “As long as you are sure and aren’t alone.”
I sighed, “Thanks mom, I’ll be okay.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, I called Bob to let him know that I wouldn’t be in tomorrow morning. He told me not to worry about it and to take as much time as I needed. He and Connie could handle things at the office while I was gone. That made me feel a lot better, he really was a good boss.
Kyle came back into the kitchen and put his arm around Beth, “Well, the boys are in bed, but I think I am going to have to answer a lot of questions over the next few days.”
Beth kissed his cheek, “Thanks babe.”
The phone rang and Kyle left to answer it. Beth poured us each a cup of coffee, and we sat down at the table.
She said, “Alex called me tonight right after he got home from your place. He sounded so happy and told me that he was going to ask you if you wanted to move in together. He said that he was leaving to go back to your place, he was so excited.”
My tears gushed again, “I was going to ask him the same question as soon as he got to my place.”
She said, “God Jack, you two were so good together, I have never seen him so happy.”
We hugged again as the tears continued to flow.
Kyle walked back into the kitchen and said, “That was the funeral home, we have an appointment tomorrow morning at 10. I called my mom and she will come over to watch the boys.”
We thanked him and we tried to start writing Alex’s obituary. An hour later, we had a rough draft and hoped the funeral home would help us finish it in the morning. We finally decided to try to get some sleep, tomorrow was going to be a long day.
I tossed and turned all night, I think I maybe got two hours of sleep. We got up the next morning, and all took turns taking our showers. Mom and dad arrived just as Kyle’s mom did. They had met Beth and Kyle many times over the last couple years and were going to stay with Kyle’s mom to help with the boys. The boys also thought of my mom and dad as their grandparents.
Kyle, Beth and I stopped at Alex’s apartment to get his clothes. I saw the suit, shirt and tie that he was wearing on the day we met. Beth agreed that it was the right outfit and we left to go to the funeral home. We sat down to start making all the arrangements. As we stood to select the casket, a man and a women walked in.
The women walked directly to Beth and hugged her. Beth sighed and said, “Hi mom. What are you doing here?”
She said, “My son just died, where else would I be?”
Beth shook her head, “You have had nothing to do with Alex for the last ten years, now that he is dead you want to be a mother again?”
The man said, “Elizabeth, don’t talk to your mother that way.”
Before Beth could respond, the women looked at me and asked, “Who is this?”
Beth said, “This is Jack Tanner, Alex’s boyfriend.”
The women huffed, “Well, there is no need for him to be here, and furthermore, if he is at the funeral, I will not be.”
Beth matched her snarky tone, “Well, then you might as well leave now. Not only is Jack going to help me plan Alex’s funeral, but he will also be sitting in the front row at the funeral. We may be able to find a seat for you in the back row.”
Again, the man said, “Elizabeth!”
Beth said, “Dad, you have not spoken to Alex for ten years, why are you here now?”
He grabbed the women’s arm, “Come on Helen, we are obviously not welcome here.”
The women huffed as she turned and walked out of the room.
Beth gave me a hug, “I’m sorry Jack, but now you have met our parents. I just don’t know how they knew we were here.”
The funeral director said, “I’m sorry, I guess that is my fault. Your mother called this morning, and I had no idea there would be a problem. I really am sorry.”
Beth sighed, “That’s okay, you had no reason to suspect anything.”
We finished making all the arrangements and the funeral director said, “I’m sorry but I have to ask, who will be paying for the funeral?”
I panicked; I hadn’t even thought about that yet. I was quickly trying to calculate what I had on my credit card and if my limit was high enough to pay for this.
Kyle said, “I will take care of it. Will you please send me the bill?”
The director said, “Of course. I will send it as soon as we get all the invoices from the casket company and grave digger.”
When we were in the car driving back to the house, I said, “I would like to help pay for the funeral, you shouldn’t have to pay for everything.”
Beth said, “He’s my brother Jack, we will take care of it.”
After a bit, it was clear I was not going to win my argument, so I dropped it.
We arrived back at Beth and Kyle’s house. Kyle was right, the boys did have a lot of questions, we just tried to explain things the best we could and still keep it age appropriate.
Soon, people were dropping by the house to offer their condolences and leave food. Friends of Beth and Kyle, Alex’s coworkers, and even some of my friends. I really did know some great people. The next day was much the same. I was still staying with Beth and Kyle, and mom and dad were staying at my apartment. We woke up the day of the funeral, and all got dressed. I put on the same suit that I wore the day I met Alex. It only seemed appropriate that Alex and I were wearing the same clothes to say goodbye.
Beth and I were accepting condolences from all the guests. I saw my brother walking towards me. Instead of putting me in his normal headlock, he hugged me and softly said, “I am so sorry. I love ya, ya little queer.”
I chuckled through my tears and replied, “Thanks, I love ya too, ya big douche bag.”
Sis and her boyfriend were next, and I introduced them to Beth and Kyle. They went to take a seat beside mom and dad.
My stomach flipped when I saw Alex’s parents walk in. Kyle saw them too and went to run interference. The funeral director also stepped in and directed them to the back row. They didn’t look happy, but I was grateful and so was Beth, she refused to acknowledge them. Thankfully they didn’t make a scene and left as soon as the service was over.
After the funeral, we all went back to Beth and Kyle’s house. My brother, sister and her boyfriend left to go back home. Mom and dad were going to stay one more night, I was going to stay with Beth again and then go back to my apartment in the morning. Mom and dad were going to take to me to lunch, then go home from there.
That afternoon, I was alone for the first time. That was when everything really hit me. I was never going to see Alex again. I sat there and bawled for two hours. The next day was only slightly better. The next week, Beth and I went to Alex’s apartment to clean it out. While Alex’s landlord told we didn’t have to rush, we both wanted to get the unpleasant task over with.
Alex didn’t have a lot of things, like me, we didn’t really care too much about possessions. Beth and I each took a few small items, mostly just sentimental things. We boxed the rest up and made a few trips to Goodwill. When we got to the bedroom, I saw Alex’s favorite Chicago Bears shirts laying in the hamper. I picked it up and held it my face. I said, “I would like to keep this, if you don’t mind.”
Beth smiled, “Of course, I can take it home and wash it for you.”
I brushed a tear away, “No thanks, it smells like Alex.”
She gave me a hug, “I understand.” After a year, I still haven’t washed it. I sleep with that damn shirt every night. I went back to my apartment and put away the things that I kept, things were more final every time one of these little tasks was complete.
I picked up the newspaper I had bought the day of Alex’s funeral. I knew the obituary would in there, and I wanted to keep a copy. As I was scanning the paper, the obituary above Alex’s caught my eye. Joshua Fischer, 28, died… I shook my head, damn, he is the same age as Alex, and they died on the same day. Two young guys’ lives were cut short, it’s just not fair.
Beth called me the next day, she said, “I just got a call from Alex’s work, they asked if we could come down tomorrow, they have some things to go over with us.”
I asked, “Like what?”
She said, “I’m not sure, but they said they had a few personal items from his office and some paperwork to go over with us.”
I sighed, “Okay, I’ll pick you up in the morning.”
We sat in the HR Directors office, She said, “First of all, we will all miss Alex, he was a valuable employee and was well like by everyone.”
Beth smiled, “Thank you.”
She handed us box with the personal items that were on Alex’s desk, the picture of us with our arms around each other was right on top. I fought back my tears again.
She said, “As for the paperwork… Alex participated in our 401k program, so there is some money that we need to payout. He listed Jack as the beneficiary.”
Beth smiled, “I would expect nothing else.”
The HR Director continued, “The company also offers a life insurance policy to all employees. Again, Jack was listed as Alex’s beneficiary.”
We finished all the business and as we were driving home, Beth said, “It was clear that Alex intended to spend the rest of his life with you.”
I sighed, “He did spend the rest of his life with me.”
Beth wiped away a tear, “I guess he did.”
I said, “I think you should have that money.”
She shook her head, “No, Alex obviously wanted you to have it.”
I said, “At least I think we should use the money in the 401k to pay for the funeral. Alex would not have wanted to burden you and Kyle with that.”
That night, we talked to Kyle and I was finally able to convince them to let me pay for the funeral and they told me to find a charity to give the life insurance money to, if I didn’t want to keep it. I’ll have to figure that out.
The next week, I went back to work. Bob repeatedly told me to take as much time as I needed and if I wanted to leave early, that was fine. I just knew I needed to get back into a routine, the more time I spent alone in my apartment, the more depressed I got.
At the end of my first week back at work, I stopped by the cemetery to visit Alex. I was still trying to decide what to do with the money Alex left me. As I was leaving, I saw another man walking toward a grave that was a few rows away from Alex. He appeared to be about the same age as me and was very attractive. This was the first time that I ever noticed another man since I met Alex. I quickly went to my car as I felt the guilt take over.
It became part of my regular schedule to stop by the cemetery every week, sometimes I would see that same man, but not always. I would also go to the cemetery on special occasions, like Alex’s birthday, the day we met, and Valentines day. On the times that the man was also there, we started to exchange quick glances and give each other a quick nod. We had not spoken though.
The first anniversary of Alex’s accident really hit me hard. The last year had been a blur, it felt like I was just going through the motions. I went to work every day, went home every night to my empty apartment, and stopped doing the things that I used to enjoy. The guys that I worked out with called me and asked me to join them, just like before. After a few weeks of me declining their offer, they quit calling me. I guess I can’t blame them.
That night, I went to the cemetery after work. After I spent half an hour talking to Alex, I got in my car to drive home and spend another night wallowing in self-pity. On my way home I noticed a bar and decided to numb my pain. While Alex and I enjoyed a beer or two a couple times a week, I was never a big drinker.
I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. When I finished the beer, I requested a shot of tequila. It was the first time I had ever tasted it. I soon had three more shots and ordered a second beer. I stumbled to the bathroom to take a piss and sat back at the bar to order another shot. The bartender sat a glass of water in front of and said, “I think you have had enough, buddy.”
I protested, “I need another shot.”
The bartender said, “I’m going to call you a cab, just sit there and drink your water.”
A man I had never seen before, put his arm around my shoulder and said, “No need for the cab, I’ll make sure he gets home safely.”
The bartender asked me, “Do you know this man?”
I looked at the guy; he was a little older than me but was a good-looking guy. Of course, my judgement may have been a little cloudy. I slurred, “Sure, this is my good buddy…” I giggled, “What did you say your name is?”
The man chuckled, “Come on buddy, let’s get you home.” He helped me to my feet and led me out the door.
I said, “My car is parked over there.”
He said, “We won’t need your car.”
The next thing I knew, we walked into a room, and he laid me on a bed. I said, “The room is spinning.”
He handed me a glass of water and said, “Here drink this, it will help.”
I took a big swig, and things started to fade in and out. I heard the man talking and then felt him pulling my clothes off. I had no control and even though I felt like I was trying to stop him, I wasn’t. I think I heard a knock on the door and then I felt someone pulling on my cock, it involuntarily got hard. No one had touched me since the last night I spent with Alex.
The hand on my dick was replaced with a mouth, and I suddenly had a cock pushing on my lips. My head was spinning as my legs were pushed up and someone started to fuck me. Again, I tried to get away, but my body did not want to cooperate with what my brain was telling it to do. More knocks on the door and I soon had cocks in my mouth, my ass and both of my hands. Someone was still sucking my cock.
Every few minutes I was picked up and repositioned and cocks were filling all of my holes again. I have no idea how long this went on. I was flipped onto the center of the bed and was surrounded by God only knows many guys. I heard grunts and groans just before I finally blacked out.
I woke up with a pounding headache as the sun began to shine through the curtains. I leaned up on my elbows and looked around, trying to figure out where I was. My whole body ached as I sat up and saw that I was in a hotel room. There was no one else in the room and I began to think about how I got here. The last thing I remember was the bartender cutting me off at the bar and some guy helping me out the door.
I saw my clothes laying on the floor and condoms scattered around the room. Then I realized I was completely naked. Shit, what did I do? As I moved, I felt the dried cum that covered my stomach, chest and face. Oh God, I was starting to remember more of the previous night. That guy must have called more guys over and they had their way with me.
I made my way to the bathroom and climbed into the shower, turning the water on as hot I as I could stand it. I sank to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest as the tears and guilt set in. My life was such a mess. I got dressed and thankfully found my car parked right where I left it. I was also glad that no money was missing from my wallet. I guess the guy just wanted to fuck me and not rob me.
I got back to my apartment and locked the door. I am never going to another bar as long as I live. I took another shower, I still felt so dirty. I grabbed Alex’s shirt and crawled into bed to try to sleep off my hangover and my guilt.
I could never tell anyone what happened, not even Beth. We had grown even closer over the last year, but I felt as if I betrayed Alex. The next time we saw each other she asked me several times if everything was okay. I just forced a smile, and said everything was fine. She just chalked it up to being the anniversary of Alex’s death.
I must not have been as good at hiding my feelings as I thought. Friday of the next week, Brad, one of the guys that worked out in our shop came into the office.
He stopped in front of my desk and handed me a card. He said, “I noticed you are having a bit of rough time. I think you should come to a meeting. It really helped me and my wife.”
I looked at the card, “Grief Support Group, meeting every Tuesday at 7:00pm. Room 109 at the Hartford Community Center.”
***
… They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you can return to the surface. I know you are ashamed that you let this happen to you, but it’s not all your fault. The man slipped something in that water he gave you at the hotel room to keep you sedated. That man and his friends are predators, I believe that if he hadn’t found you, he would have found someone else. I know it’s no consolation, but a few weeks later that same bartender recognized the man that drugged you and called the police. He was arrested as he tried to take his next victim to that hotel. He and his friends were served the justice they deserved.
I told you to listen to those around you when they offer help. Right now, you really need help and even though you and Brad are not close friends, he does care about you. He has suffered a loss and knows how you feel. Listening to the other people in that support group might just be what you need to help you move on. Alex would want you to move on, and you already know that.
To be Continued…
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