15 Mar 2016
Can someone be a selfie star? Pretty much if they say they're a star, they are. Because once you go down the road of "YouTube Star" then all bets are off.
In fact, I'm a toilet star. I am the most popular user of my toilet. Which explains the constant stream of paparazzi in my bathroom. They just can't get enough.
By the way, that is exactly the type of conversation I'd have with one of these guys in person, because I'd have no idea what to say to them.
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8 Mar 2016
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is not the same. If you picked the non-huge dick, you're right. How does he even sleep (and pee) at night with that thing? Someone needs to do a graduate school dissertation on the non-huge. I'm sure Trump University has a degree in non-huge studies. it can fake bestow.
Now let's talk about cocksucking.
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1 Mar 2016
Trend alert! Clothes are over. At least when you're at home. Alone. With a cell phone in your hand. In front of a mirror. And turned on.
As a reminder, you may want to consider sticking some masking tape to the floor of your entryway. Once you cross that line, it needs to be without clothes. So this will create a new furniture type: the console dresser.
You know, as compared to a console table. That skinny table with a single vase and magazine on it. Nope, you need all your clothes to be at your entryway for easy off/on.
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23 Feb 2016
Look out, it's another big dick post! Which will reveal what we all know about ourselves. We can never get enough big dick. Well, ask me after a gang bang and I might answer differently.
This is a hypothetical as I have limited gang bang experience. As in zero. I just know that I'd want someone to cover my dry cleaning bill afterwards. It's tough to get four gallons of cum stains out of silk. Not even Martha Stewart has a do it yourself tip for that situation.
She's good on three gallons of cum though. I think she demo'd that the last time she was on Live with Kelly and Michael.
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16 Feb 2016
So Einstein was right about the existence of gravitational waves, it was recently proven. How can we prove my theory that there is a variable point at which the attractive of a guy's dick/body/face will compensate for what normally would be deal breakers.
Like is a sense of humor important to you in a guy you're dating? How about if his dick were 10" long? Because he can put a clown nose on that thing and call it a day. You may not be laughing but you will sure as hell take the clown hose off and take care of business.
So is that DS > 10 = -DB? As in dick size greater than 10 equals negative deal breaker?
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9 Feb 2016
Do you have monster-dar? That's the sexual perception phenomenon in which you can tell if a guy has a monster cock. And I don't mean you can tell when he's hard and naked and it's in your face because if you couldn't tell in that situation it means you're really focusing too much on texting.
No, I mean when you can tell a guy has a monster cock when he's dressed and not necessarily showing bulge. Because bulge-dar just means you can tell he has a bulge of some sort. That doesn't mean monster-cock. He could be a shower not a grower. Or maybe he's wearing that misleading padded underwear. Really what's the point of that in real life? It is just good for JCPenney catalog modeling, because everyone likes those fellas to have solid bulges. Since the clothes are so hideous, best to call attention to the bulge.
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2 Feb 2016
A selfie crisis is facing America and I am here to solve it. I am the one candidate who can keep the pipeline of selfies full and stuffed with penises, including hard penises, precumming penises, thick penises, uncut penises, as well as other penises. I hope I can count of your vote so we don't face an unbrave new world that lacks selfies.
I'm an awesome politician, and I can't be blackmailed due to it being discovered I have porno on my computer. My computer is designed to hold and display porno. What model is it? It's a computer that's what. Model doesn't matter. Computers are for porn. Porn and recipes.
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26 Jan 2016
There are a lot of things you could be doing besides looking at this guy's dick. I mean, a total lot. And not just involving looking at other stuff. Stuff besides this guy's dick. But you should look at this guy's dick. Totally do. He wants you to. He wants the hotel hallway to. Plus you. But still there are other things you could be doing, such as:
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19 Jan 2016
Oh no, it's the big D coming to get you! That's right, Diet Coke is here and it means business. That or Dee Wallace Stone, the mom from E.T. Or the more viable threat, Dee Snyder from pop heavy metal hair band Twisted SIster.
To be honest, I'm talking about dick. Big dick. Big, big dick. So feel free to shop with your eyes. Not that any of this dick has a price tag. Which is good, because even if it did, it's not like I have big dick money. I have to use that to do my laundry.
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12 Jan 2016
Hey, I can't if these guys or gay or not. Hopefully neither can they. So it doesn't even get to that "any port in a storm" phase in which they know I'm not a woman but want me anyway because their balls are sinking and they just have to blow a load or whatever sexual metaphor applies. Nope, they just don't even know if they are gay or straight.
So in that case, they may accidentally be totally into me, male body and all, without ever questioning their identity. May even get full-on married. May even be super gay and cheat on me with another guy. Dare to dream!
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5 Jan 2016
It's beards, beards and also beards! On studs, studs and also studs! Because they're not only a great place to store soup or ice cream (if the guy has no idea how to eat) but a fine accent to a chiseled physique.
As a bonus, they make a guy seem like whatever you want him to seem like. Whatever you hope him to be. Like say a top, or an outdoorsy guy, or a professor, or otherwise deep or relevant.
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29 Dec 2015
Let's get to know this guy by asking him several intensely personal questions. Guys love to talk about themselves so it should be no trouble to get deep inside his psyche. I'm really good at one-way conversations so I'll take it from here.
Hi, great smile! How's your night going?
That well? Awesome. It's really warm so you took your clothes off, you say? Then you were cold so you thought a camera flash would keep you warm, and it did, but only for a millisecond you had to use the flash again? Makes sense to me!
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22 Dec 2015
It's pro vs. amateur in selfieland. The muscularly buxom Darius Ferdynand faces (and dicks) off with some amateur show-offs. Everyone wins.
He's the fella at top left. Why does he even need to take selfies since he's nude everywhere? Though I suppose he doesn't have a film crew in his bathroom. Though he could if he wanted. A volunteer one made of guys with fake cameras (like the fake TVs at IKEA) but real boners (like the real boners at IKEA). They have awesome restroom action!
Well maybe they don't, but if I start the rumor, maybe they will eventually have glory holes.
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15 Dec 2015
Look at me is totally what all these scream. But what part of me? You've got your fully naked guy flashing it all. Then the guy naked but for a shirt (which somehow shows off his pecs even more).
Each of those shots is worth a few strokes at least. If only strokes could generate electricity we'd be set. Sometimes science museums have a bicycle hooked up to a lightbulb to prove the point of how much power it takes to even make a bulb light up a little. It's a lot of pedaling. And Ed Begley, Jr.'s house is totally carbon neutral. If he wants toast, he has to generate the power for the toaster. And yeah, bitch wants toast!
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8 Dec 2015
Actually, it's not equal parts dick and ass. But rather a 5-to-1 dick-to-ass ratio. I'm sure there are eager bottoms who would love a 5-to-1 dick-to-ass ratio. Correction: 5-dicks-in-one-ass ratio. Correction: hey you 5 guys, fuck me with your 5 dicks now! And I don't mean tomorrow.
Okay, you can fuck me tomorrow too.
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