Gay Selfies Blog

Not "manspreading" as in self-entitled men spreading their legs ultra-wide on crowded public transportation taking multiple seats because they are just so important. But "manspreading" as in check out these hot, fucking guys because I'm going to spread so they can have a hot, fucking time in my hot, fucking hole.

Yeah, I said hole.

Don't you want to order up some hunky naked guys? Amazon doesn't yet sell that so you'll have to get creative. As there is no Amazon PrimeHunkyNakedGuys app (yet). 

Now the selfies these guys take are way more interesting than the selfies the inanimate objects Amazon sells would take. Although a hand mirror's self-portrait could be philosophically interesting. And a dildo's would be philosophically depraved.

Hey, don't you want the guy you're with to have your idea of a dream body? Like you see him with clothes on, and are hoping when you unwrap the present that is him, that you won't want to return him.

For some a dream body is a big, old bear. I don't mean big ol' I mean old as in actually old. And for others a dream body is not caring about the guy's body but just wanting to play with his used underwear. So that's sort of a negative space situation. Clothes without the body. 

Attraction is complicated.

Happy may be too strong a word. Bemused? Eager? Philosophical? Agitated? Confused? Discombobulated? Recombobulated? Clumsy? Lazy?

Yeah all those things, which pretty much add up to happy. Or whatever its called when you stare at naked guys for prolonged periods of time, wondering who they are, what brought the to that moment of exposure. And most of all wondering if any of them think about it as hard as I do.

Yeah, it's a no on that one. But that's okay as their dicks can think for them.

Infinity plus one is still infinity. So here we are at the world of infinite dick. These 6 have pushed it over the edge. The tipping point at which there are more dicks online than there are humans in the universe. But have we reached dick saturation? Speaking for myself, and my own dick hunger, nope.

It's always time for more dick. Such as during wedding vows. That's a great time for dick. If anyone has any objections to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace. That's a great time for dick. To work dick into one's wedding vows. Commit to dick.

Can someone be a selfie star? Pretty much if they say they're a star, they are. Because once you go down the road of "YouTube Star" then all bets are off.

In fact, I'm a toilet star. I am the most popular user of my toilet. Which explains the constant stream of paparazzi in my bathroom. They just can't get enough.

By the way, that is exactly the type of conversation I'd have with one of these guys in person, because I'd have no idea what to say to them.

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is not the same. If you picked the non-huge dick, you're right. How does he even sleep (and pee) at night with that thing? Someone needs to do a graduate school dissertation on the non-huge. I'm sure Trump University has a degree in non-huge studies. it can fake bestow.

Now let's talk about cocksucking.

Trend alert! Clothes are over. At least when you're at home. Alone. With a cell phone in your hand. In front of a mirror. And turned on.

As a reminder, you may want to consider sticking some masking tape to the floor of your entryway. Once you cross that line, it needs to be without clothes. So this will create a new furniture type: the console dresser.

You know, as compared to a console table. That skinny table with a single vase and magazine on it. Nope, you need all your clothes to be at your entryway for easy off/on.

Look out, it's another big dick post! Which will reveal what we all know about ourselves. We can never get enough big dick. Well, ask me after a gang bang and I might answer differently.

This is a hypothetical as I have limited gang bang experience. As in zero. I just know that I'd want someone to cover my dry cleaning bill afterwards. It's tough to get four gallons of cum stains out of silk. Not even Martha Stewart has a do it yourself tip for that situation.

She's good on three gallons of cum though. I think she demo'd that the last time she was on Live with Kelly and Michael.

So Einstein was right about the existence of gravitational waves, it was recently proven. How can we prove my theory that there is a variable point at which the attractive of a guy's dick/body/face will compensate for what normally would be deal breakers. 

Like is a sense of humor important to you in a guy you're dating? How about if his dick were 10" long? Because he can put a clown nose on that thing and call it a day. You may not be laughing but you will sure as hell take the clown hose off and take care of business.

So is that DS > 10 = -DB? As in dick size greater than 10 equals negative deal breaker?

Do you have monster-dar? That's the sexual perception phenomenon in which you can tell if a guy has a monster cock. And I don't mean you can tell when he's hard and naked and it's in your face because if you couldn't tell in that situation it means you're really focusing too much on texting. 

No, I mean when you can tell a guy has a monster cock when he's dressed and not necessarily showing bulge. Because bulge-dar just means you can tell he has a bulge of some sort. That doesn't mean monster-cock. He could be a shower not a grower. Or maybe he's wearing that misleading padded underwear. Really what's the point of that in real life? It is just good for JCPenney catalog modeling, because everyone likes those fellas to have solid bulges. Since the clothes are so hideous, best to call attention to the bulge.

A selfie crisis is facing America and I am here to solve it. I am the one candidate who can keep the pipeline of selfies full and stuffed with penises, including hard penises, precumming penises, thick penises, uncut penises, as well as other penises. I hope I can count of your vote so we don't face an unbrave new world that lacks selfies.

I'm an awesome politician, and I can't be blackmailed due to it being discovered I have porno on my computer. My computer is designed to hold and display porno. What model is it? It's a computer that's what. Model doesn't matter. Computers are for porn. Porn and recipes.

There are a lot of things you could be doing besides looking at this guy's dick. I mean, a total lot. And not just involving looking at other stuff. Stuff besides this guy's dick. But you should look at this guy's dick. Totally do. He wants you to. He wants the hotel hallway to. Plus you. But still there are other things you could be doing, such as:

Oh no, it's the big D coming to get you! That's right, Diet Coke is here and it means business. That or Dee Wallace Stone, the mom from E.T. Or the more viable threat, Dee Snyder from pop heavy metal hair band Twisted SIster. 

To be honest, I'm talking about dick. Big dick. Big, big dick. So feel free to shop with your eyes. Not that any of this dick has a price tag. Which is good, because even if it did, it's not like I have big dick money. I have to use that to do my laundry.

Hey, I can't if these guys or gay or not. Hopefully neither can they. So it doesn't even get to that "any port in a storm" phase in which they know I'm not a woman but want me anyway because their balls are sinking and they just have to blow a load or whatever sexual metaphor applies. Nope, they just don't even know if they are gay or straight.

So in that case, they may accidentally be totally into me, male body and all, without ever questioning their identity. May even get full-on married. May even be super gay and cheat on me with another guy. Dare to dream!