Gay Selfies Blog

Hey, dude! Check out this dude cock, dude! Then let's go to the sports game that involves teams and balls and points. Or maybe a puck. Then let's have light beers, dude! Did I do a good job passing for a dude just now?

The light beer thing killed it. Dudes don't care about carbs. They just want to get wasted and flash cock. Or probably. I mean, obviously I have no idea.

Yellow means pee and yellow means caution. Such as: "Someone is going to pee on you! Caution!" And now, yellow also means ass. Neon yellow. Mustard yellow. Canary yellow. And the ultimate: ass yellow. Because it's like a traffic signal blinking at you. Ass! Ass! Ass!

I highly recommend jumping on the trend. And if you don't think you look good in yellow, then that's great, wear it anyway. More people should wear things they don't think they look good in. We all need a fucking break from trying to look good all the time.

It's a dick party and you're invited! Just remember to pay the cover charge which isn't exactly money but more so a deep level of massive, cock-thirsty homosexual impulses.

Now if you're fresh out of a deep level of massive, cock-thirsty homosexual impulses, then you can either pick some up in the homosexual impulses aisle of the grocery store or by staring at these selfies.

When it comes to porn (amateur or otherwise), you can be as picky as you damn want. Who will you blow your load to? Who's worth it? And most importantly, if someone cums to a guy's picture, does the guy psychically sense it as a sort of mental tickle or ego boost?

Hate to break it to all the folks with stereotypical views of guys who like guys but not all cocks are truly tempting. Some are forgettable, annoying, insincere, dull, confusing, disturbing and lazy. And they piss all over the toilet seat. But others are amazingly tempting. And it's mostly because of the man behind the cock. How he carries himself. How he wields it. How he baits the hook.

I'm totally over baggy fucking clothes on folks. Hell, there's even a thing called drop crotch pants, those horrible semi-sweat pants where the crotch goes halfway to the knees. And not because the dick goes halfway to the knees. Or maybe it does because without any fabric clinging anywhere near it, who the fuck knows?

And I want to know.

The hot daddies phenomenon gets a lot of press. As I'm sure you know, it just made the cover the Sunday New York Times this past weekend. Sandwiched between articles about Hilary Clinton's email and the Cannes Film Festival. Which makes total sense because Hilary is always emailing about hot daddies and the Cannes Film Festival always has Tilda Swinton on the runway and she's totally a hot daddy. Totally.

It can be problematic if a guy is so hot he takes your breath away. Because you're going to need it when giving him deep, satisfying head. That's satisfying for him and you. Because sometimes after a long, hard day at the office/factory/synagogue gift shop (or wherever the hell you work), you need a tonsil massage.

Oh, you didn't think jocks are working out just to look good for others, did you? Nope, they big time want to turn on the most important person in their little jock worlds. Themselves. Quality mirror/selfie time is a key part of any jock's day, just like a balanced breakfast.

Some cocks are extra suckable. They just make you want to drop to your knees and do your best impression of a vacuum cleaner. Like some horny door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Now what would that product demo be like?

The best thing to do after looking at dick is to look at more dick. And then follow it up with dick and then some dick. Also dick. Plus dick. At some point, eat a sandwich as it takes a lot of energy to look at dick.

Then throw in some night dick to close out your day. And set your alarm to wake up early so you can look at more dick and if you're in bed with a guy then look at his dick too.

Muscles are magic. They help some guys lift things. And they make other guys drop things, like their pants.

It takes a certain devotion and massive self-absorption to grow these magical muscles just so. And it pretty much carries over into sexual self-absorption too, right? I mean, hopefully. Because when I see a guy with huge, popping, swollen muscles, I'm hoping he wants as much attention paid to his cock as he pays to his muscles.

A workout routine is very important. For your throat. Let's do one together! First relax your jaw muscles. Open wide. Breathe deeply and slowly through your nose. All in preparation to make best friends with long, thick cock.

There are a lot of criteria when it comes to deciding if a guy is suckable or not. Look past the tight body and handsome, devilish face and you'll get to the actual, complete list of suck criteria. This was a long, hard list to come up with and has been tested by a scientist with a Master's degree in Suckology, and a B.S. Rimming with a minor in Philosophy.

And of those, he hasn't used the Philosophy minor for anything except in creating an "I SUCK THEREFORE I AM" t-shirt.

So what is the scientifically-tested list of suck criteria?

When the urge to expose strikes, the camera comes out. It's an unstoppable urge, like having to pee really, really bad or your urge to swallow right now because I mentioned swallowing.