Our Senior Year and More

Our Senior Year and More part 38

Dad, took a turn for the worse in the beginning of the year, he truly appreciates every minute with us and the grandkids, this past 5 years. A few weeks after New Years he got very sick and weak and we put him in the hospital, within a day or two, he was transferred to the main hospital in Springfield. It doesn’t look good, he’s failing more and more each day. By April he wanted out, it was with great resignation that mom, Josh and I moved him home, with part time hospice visitation care. So I spend most of these days helping mom with dad at home, another thing added to my plate.

One weekend I had an opportunity to fly out to New York with Josh and bring the kids to visit his parents for once, I felt very guilty leaving my parents alone, but it turned out it was on my mom and dad’s insistence, as they planned it all out with Josh just to break up my monotony and the stress we were all going through. I love the fact that the kids can get to spend time with their other grandparents, and boy do they spoil them rotten with gifts, treats and love, mostly love, all well intended. Then the kids and I returned home while Josh was scheduled to spend a long week and possibly longer working on a special project. This trip was a perfect escape to what has been a grueling few months.

Then one morning, while Josh was still in New York City, the kids were with Marie at the daycare, Maryann as usual was covering the farm office, I was helping mom by washing dad at my parent’s home in his bed. We stopped dressing him about a month ago, and resorted to a hospital gown and sheets, he was in great pain, and it seems he was declining more and more each day. I took his watch off, and slid it onto my own arm as I washed and dried his arms, chest, face and neck. His watch was the one thing he wanted to always keep on, as it was his fathers and he cherished it. I changed his gown, fastened it around his neck and moved to continue washing his legs and feet. Then shortly after the hospice nurse came to check all the vitals and spend the day with dad, as I headed downstairs to restart my normal day. Mom was in the kitchen, who always insisted on making breakfast for me. After breakfast I told mom I was headed to the store for a few hours, and she knew how to reach me, she kissed my head as she sat quietly to eat herself, I stood, asked her as I did every day, if she would be ok and if she’d rather I stay with her today, but she refused, saying she was going to take a nap. Moms either been sleeping in my old bedroom or in a chair in their bedroom since dad came home, and I know she’s overly exhausted and overwhelmed, I only wish I could absorb some of her burden, but I’m not sure how much more I could take myself.

On my way into town, I stopped by Byron’s general store, and then Bakers drug store, to pick up some things we needed at home and for mom and dad. About an hour later I got to our (dad’s) store, greeted everyone, went to Dicks office where he greeted me as always, asking “how’s dad?” In Josh’s absence, I often poured my heart out to him, and his comforting voice calmed me like only Josh was able to do, I felt closer to Dick in recent months especially since Josh has been traveling a lot more lately.

Upon arriving home, I noticed franticly, another car was in the drive, I brought the groceries in, and another hospice nurse was there upstairs, with mom in the room with dad. It was obvious Mom was crying. My whole body trembled with fright as I walked into the crowded room. Phew! dad’s eyes were open and he was awake as I didn’t know what to expect at that point, and he sleeps most of the day now, I can tell he was in pain and trying so unsuccessfully to hide it. He saw me come in and raised his shaky hand for mine, he held it and said very quietly struggling to say, “I love you” and that he was “very, very proud of me and Josh” and then mentioned the same for Charlotte and Charles. Mom was rubbing his feet and holding back tears. At that point a feeling came over me and something made me do it, but I pulled out my phone, dialed Josh, who always answers these days no matter what, and held the phone to dads ear and he too told Josh he loved him. When I took the phone back to my ear, Josh then asked me if he should come home? I could barely get it out, but barely managed to only say “PLEASE” as my voice nervously choked up, and tears began to flow uncontrollably.

Within the next 2 hours dad was gone. I was a mess, even though after all we’ve been preparing for this day for the last 6 or 7 years. Both mom and I consoled each other till Tommy and Devin arrived, I don’t even remember calling them. The coroner arrived shortly after as we waited down in the living room, and they maneuvered his body down the narrow staircase and into the van.

 I took mom home to the JD Lodge where Marie knowingly gave us each a loving hug quickly before the kids, who just wanted to show grandma what they proudly did today, as they tried to drag her away. Ever so accommodating, mom cleared her throat and wiped her tears and acted as if everything was fine, devoting her utmost attention to their quest for her approval. As I embraced Marie in a quick loving hug, I was visibly crying, Charlie came running back towards me asking “what’s wrong Daddy, did you get an ouchy”? I leaned over and picked his small frame up and hugged him for dear life saying only “Yes Charlie, Yes,… Daddy got a bad ouch today” he giggled as he looked me in my eyes and asked “if could I show him, and he would kiss it for me, to make it better”. I fell apart and Mom rejoined our group unable to hold back the tears.

Hulk, Sammy and Juan then arrived, then more friends, neighbors and everyone was stopping by, Maryann and Marie kept preparing and presenting food that people were bringing and tried their earnest to entertain. It was only a few hours and the word was spreading like wildfire, none of us were prepared for this, and as well intentioned they all were, I now realize we just needed some time to be alone.

 I just needed to leave to gather my thoughts, it was late, I tried to call Josh but it went straight to voicemail, he was somewhere on a plane by this time. I needed some time alone, I hugged mom and excused myself. I drove to the store as it was closed, now after hours, and stood inside the dark showroom, I stopped and stood in front of dad’s office door, no one opens or uses that room except dad. I stood reminiscing about how many times he’d glance out into the store from behind his desk glaring over the top of his glasses and all the good times I had growing up there, it was my second home away from home and after school, while mom was busy volunteering. I grabbed and clasped my hands in front of me and realized when I felt the watch, I never put it back on dad this morning. All the emotions came back as I stood there holding the band and staring at the watch, at that moment I felt dads presence all around me.

 I went home and began apologizing to mom that I never put dads watch back on him this morning, and we needed to go to wherever he was, to get it back to him, mom was sitting on the couch, she just grabbed my hand and wrist and shook her head saying “no, its yours now”, I burst out crying as I fell into her lap. Trying to convince myself we all knew this was coming why am I so destroyed by this?

Just then Josh walked through the door, unbeknownst to me Tommy had texted him letting him know dad had passed, so he knew as soon as he landed, I could see he was holding back tears, no doubted unsuccessfully trying to hide his emotions. My first instinct was to run to him, but once again the kids cut me off running toward him calling “daddy” as he bent over with a forced smile, caught them in each arm and he jerked them both up together in the air over his shoulders and they laughed saying “do it again daddy”, as he hugged and kissed each one with several kisses. By then Marie made her way to him and took the kids from him as he gave her a quick hug and whispered something to her and she back to him. Next he made eye contact with me and I could tell he wanted to maneuver trough the small group of friends toward me, but chose to go directly to my mom, and rightfully so. They embraced and held onto each other for an unusual long time. I could see their backs bouncing as they rubbed each other’s backs obviously crying.

 They broke apart and a red eyed Josh headed directly for me as made his way towards me, he shook his head as in apology and mouthed “I’m sorry” as he approached and it was like the crowd parted as he made his way to me, I broke down uncontrollably as he grabbed me and guided me to the back stairs and we walked up the stairs to our room. Josh laid me down and climbed into bed beside me, he held me in our so familiar small and large spoon, fully dressed he just held me tight and rubbed my breast with his thumb through my shirt, as we silently cried together. His comforting grip was just what I needed to help regain my composure, no words were spoken between us but yet they were understood. He stood and finally said to me, now let’s go downstairs and clear this crowd out as gracefully as possible so we can be together as a family with your mom and grieve properly.

We got downstairs and mom was on the phone with Josh’s parents who had called her expressing their sorrow and informing her they’d be out as soon as they can book a flight, while Tommy and Devin helped us thank the visitors as we attempted to thin the crowd. Meanwhile Josh, Marie and I took the kids upstairs to their room and tried to explain that grandpa was very sick (which they already knew) and hurting and he was better now, but he had to go away and won’t be able to come back to us, but he told us he loved you kids so much before he left and to always remember him, and how grandma might be sad for a while without him but please make her feel better. Then Charlie asked if that’s my ouchy and moved toward me to kiss me, Josh just looked questioning like as if he had to giggle and said if only it was that easy to Marie and I.

 We went downstairs to where Mom, Tommy and Devin were sitting at the dining room table where we joined them and began telling stories and memories of dad. Both Charlie and Charlotte went to my mom and asked to kiss her Ouchy and they hugged her, then Charlotte asked my mom if she would miss grandpa, mom began to cry and Charlotte quickly replied “oh no don’t cry because grandpa is all better now, and he had to go away to be better, I love grandpa”. Mom looked at her with loving eyes and said “that’s right darling”. We managed to live many a good times since his diagnosis and so much had happened in these past years and I was so thankful Josh and I decided to make our home here and spend those last memorable years with my parents

 The next morning Josh’s parents pulled into the driveway and into the house, we all started all over again. Josh’s mom took charge of everything from that point on, she became our rock and navigated us all through the wake and funeral, then organized a full gathering of friends and family of all places at the store where she managed to get the employees to clear out the front of the showroom of shelves and merchandise and much like election day a few years back we honored our dad in his own store. She hung a black bunting over his doorway that still remains there today, and one of moms favorite photos of him was pasted to the window from the inside, alongside on the outside wall was a collage of family photos and employee photos that was laminated with his name, our founder, and dates, seeing all those memories made me so happy in my heart, dad was gone but never forgotten.

 And today I still wear his gold band watch that doesn’t keep very good time but I often look down at it though out my tough days and know dad is right there with me at all times.

 To be Continued

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 Note: I truly apologize for the intense sadness of this chapter, but life goes on and death is part of life, sometimes we just need a good cry and trust me this chapter does that for me. As so many of your comments have expressed a concern for Dave’s Dads health over the past several chapters, is one of the reasons I jumped ahead 5 years, I also want you to know he enjoyed those last years to the fullest with his grandkids. I promise I won’t do this to you guys again.