Life Isn't A Fairytale

I don’t respond to Josh’s words, just laying there with my eyes closed surprised that even in this short time he’s developed feelings like this for me. I drift off to sleep mind still racing through all the options of what I’m feeling or could say to Josh when we wake up in the morning. I sleep well because between a general lack of sleep and the physicality of our night I’m exhausted and am out to it well until I hear Josh’s alarm go off at 5:30.

He gets up and kisses me on the forehead, the morning wood of his is strong even after a night of sex between us and I watch him get ready for the gym and leaving me in bed as I hear him leave his apartment. I lay there for a minute thinking deeply about the night before and what Josh had said to me. My mind is in a different place to just 10 hours ago, I look at Josh in a different way to what I’d use to. I thought of him as a tough and confident man and although there are a few years between us in age, I got to see deep into him and hear that despite the tough muscular exterior, there’s still a boy who is still battling his sexuality demons. 

I lay in Josh’s bed and spread out a bit, grabbing my phone just to look through Instagram and I scroll back through Josh’s Instagram profile and look at the photos that show how his family, his ex-wife, and his daughter. I take a deep long look at the photos of how happy they looked together and just think about how photos don’t necessarily tell all of a story. I put my phone down and close my eyes again just to try and have a sleep because my mind is racing. On one-hand the letter Liam left me before he went away called us boyfriends for the first time meanwhile, Josh told me that he loved him and, in all honesty, it’s a feeling inside me that’s growing.

I don’t know what to do as I lay there and drift back to sleep for a few minutes before I decide that I need to hit the gym myself and I end up getting dressed and head to the gym. I head in there and see Josh working out with Dan, Stevie, and a few of the Junior Rugby lads so I head upstairs to work out so that I can focus on my workout. I’m there for about an hour just doing circuit training, making sure that Josh doesn’t come past at all to put me off.

I watch for him to make sure that he is still there as I leave and I head home to my place as Dad is about to head for work. “Morning Ben, how’s the project going?” I look a bit confused on my face because Uni work was the last thing that I was thinking of. “Oh yeah it’s getting there slowly, we’re just looking for new things to add in every so often”.

Dad just nods “Well we can talk about things when I get home after work” I nod and give him a hug and head inside and go in and have a shower. I stand there washing my body, still feeling some of Josh’s cum on me I wash it off and finish up and go lay on my bed. I don’t get dressed but just lay there naked still thinking about what Josh said which I can’t get out of my head at all. He told me that he loved me but I wonder whether he meant it as something I was meant to hear or whether something just came out and I wasn’t meant to hear it.

I keep laying there before I hear a knock at the door, I look out the window and see a delivery van parked outside and see the person standing at the door. I call out the window to tell them I’ll be down in a minute, just to make sure that they don’t leave before I can get dressed. I put on some clothes and run downstairs to get the parcel. I look at the writing on the parcel before I close the door and turn and look at the deliverer “Excuse me, do you know where this was sent from at all?”. He turns and just grunts at me “I just deliver them, I don’t know where they come from” He says before heading to the van before turning around “The barcode usually gives you a clue on where it comes from but I’m not well briefed on that part, I just do the deliveries”.

I take a long hard look at the parcel to work out where it has come from because I know I haven’t ordered anything and there is no return address on the parcel which makes me question what it is. I don’t bother to open it for now and put it down on my desk and sit back on my bed getting my Harry Potter book off the bedside table and keep reading it while listening to some music. After a while, a thought goes through my head and I look at the delivery label and look hard at the writing on it. I then reach up to my shelf and grab a card from Liam off the shelf and compare the letters. It takes me only seconds to realise that this is a package from him.

I hesitate in opening the box because as much as I want to, after everything with Josh, I’m hesitant to open it because my head is a blur of feelings. I know I shouldn’t be going over these feelings again but when you hear someone say that they love you then it has a big effect on you especially when you have always trusted and loved someone else in your life even without saying those words.

I leave the box and go and sit outside underneath the apple tree, contemplating my thoughts and a chance to talk to Mum. I sit there “What do I need to do Mum?” I say out loud to myself, “Liam has always been troubled and I care deeply about him and love him but Josh has come along and just ignited something inside me and I just don’t know what to do anymore”. I say frustrated, “I never meant to get this Josh situation to this point but when he tells me he has feelings for me, I can’t sit here and say that I don’t have feelings towards him either”.

Although I’m just 23, this is the first time that I’ve ever been in this situation and been in a relationship so the feelings are all very new to me. The confusion of everything sits there and I just don’t know what to do in all this. Right now, Liam is still my boy and I care about him deeply but after being with Josh, I just don’t know whether my potential life with Liam promises me what I truly want.

I look back up to the sky, “I could really just use some of your reassurance right now Mum” I take a deep breath and let out a small laugh “I know, I know, you’ll just say that I’ve got to make the right decision by me and whatever happens happens”. I sit there for a minute and let out one last sigh “I suppose I better open up the package Liam sent me”.

I stand up and turn around and see Dad standing there “Oh hey Dad” panicking about how much he heard considering he doesn’t know about me being gay. “Everything alright, didn’t think you were going to be home until 6 at least,” I say to him standing up.

“I actually had a meeting down the road and needed to grab my laptop off the kitchen table,” he says to me calmly. “I came inside to get it and saw you outside under the Apple Tree and I just wanted to make sure you’re alright because I know that’s where you go when you need to talk to your mother”. He stands there for a minute “You know I can never get down to the ground to sit but I heard everything you said Ben, the fact that you are caught between Liam and this Josh chap romantically.”

I blush with embarrassment “I.. I..”, Dad stops me “It’s alright, I know you’re gay Ben and it’s perfectly fine with me” I sit there, still flushed with panic and embarrassment “Liam told me how much you meant to him and while he didn’t say it in as many words, I got the sense that he had stronger feelings for you than just friendship”.

I grab Dad and embrace him in a massive hug and don’t let go “I’ve always been scared to tell you about it because I just never knew how you’d react to it”. He looks at me as I start crying “Benjamin, you are my only son from the day your mother and I found out she was pregnant with you, to the day you set foot on this earth, I have never stopped loving you or caring about and I never will stop”. He says now in his own tears “I just want you to be happy and find somebody that cares about you how I cared about your mother and how she cared about me”.

The hug last for a few more moments “I’m probably the last person to give advice in this situation so I won’t say anything to you other than the fact that my only advice is that you need to find somebody that makes you smile and makes you feel you can be the best you possible”. I smile at him and give him one more hug. “Alright now, I’ve got to get back to work now just take a deep breath and remember what I said”.

I smile as he leaves and I head up to my room to have a look at the package that Liam sent me, I open the box and smile as I see what’s inside and read the note that has come with it.