Be My Companion

Julian

It wasn’t long after Dad had gone to bed that Alexis had fallen asleep under my arm. The sound from the sports channel became background noise as my attention turned towards an unconscious Alexis. He had his legs tucked up underneath him, and his arms were brought together in front of him like he was curling into a ball.

God damn he was so fucking beautiful.

I switched off the TV and slowly moved my way onto my feet while retaining my arm around Alexis’s frame so not to interrupt his sleep. I hoisted his body up into my arms and deftly used my index finger to turn the lights off on the way to the staircase.

I took each step carefully as I held the world’s most precious package in my arms. I had almost reached my childhood bedroom when Estelle burst out of the upstairs bathroom, blocking my path. She caught me carrying Alexis and gave me a cute pout.

“You are so cute with him, Jules!”

I couldn’t help but grin. “Don’t wake him up, Stel.”

“Sorry,” she whispered.

I figured our conversation was over and went to move past her, but Estelle didn’t budge.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked.

I nodded my head.

“When did you know that you were bi?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not giving myself a label right now. Lex told me that just because I’m with him now doesn’t mean that anything has to change with my identity.”

Estelle nodded her head and smiled. “Wow. He’s intelligent and has cheekbones like that? Seems unfair.”

“I’m whatever sexuality is head over heels for Alexis Mendes,” I joked

Estelle laughed, and then threw her hand over her mouth. I looked down at Alexis, who was still fast asleep in my arms.

“I’ll let you go to bed now,” Estelle said, sidestepping out of my way.

“Goodnight Stel,” I said.

“Goodnight Jules.”

I moved past my sister and stepped into my bedroom, cradling Alexis in my arms.

“Jules?”

I looked over at my sister who smiled at me.

“I’m really proud of you.”

“Thank you, Stel. I’m always proud of you too, sis.”

---

Alexis

Waking up in Julian's arms was always a heartwarming experience, but waking up in Julian's arms in his childhood home the morning after he came out to his family to the warmest reception ever was a whole different ball game.

As seemed to be tradition, I was the first to wake up, made evident by Julian's light snoring in my ear. He had his big arms locked around my waist in a spooning position, which was absolutely my favourite way to cuddle this walking contradiction of a man. I gently glided my fingers down his bare forearms and put my hands on top of his, interlacing our fingers effortlessly.

Julian's childhood bed wasn't as big as the ones he was probably more used to now, and I wasn't sure how I was going to fit onto the mattress next to a body as large as his, but somehow we managed to make it work. I was self-conscious about how much room I had left Julian since he seemed to be clinging to me for dear life, but whenever we were locked in an embrace like this, up close and personal was exactly how we both liked it.

My eyes darted around Julian's childhood room, and I took in the pictures from his schooling years on his desk, and the large poster of a gridiron player I had never heard of sitting proudly on the far wall. Having this unapologetic look into Julian's life growing up made me appreciate the fine gentleman that he had become.

The boy holding a football in his hands would grow up to be the most caring and compassionate man I had ever known; the teenager posing with his football team would evolve into the sweetest and most loyal brother, son, and partner; and the young man who had once looked up to this famous gridiron player would move on to achieve enormous success in his own sporting career.

Seeing all of these football mementos around his room reminded me of Julian's current predicament. All of the evidence that Julian's entire life revolved around football was sitting right in front of me. His passion, his drive, his tenacity to become the greatest football player he could become was plastered all over the walls of his childhood bedroom.

I squeezed onto his hands a bit tighter as I felt a familiar sensation sink into my chest.

I couldn't let Julian risk his career for me. I couldn't let this boy's dreams, this teenager's dedication, and this young man's hard work crumble just because he accidentally fell in love with his male sober companion.

A shiver ran through my body. The happy future I had envisioned in my head when Julian proudly came out to his family seemed to be dwindling by the second. Maybe in an alternate universe Julian and I could be together and live the sickeningly romantic life my entire being desired and craved, but not in this universe.

All of Julian's years he poured into this career could not be outweighed by the idea of holding my hand in public. The happiness and pride his incredible achievements and statistics in his gridiron career gave him couldn't be compared to what I could give this man in our relationship.

I felt a single tear trickle down my face, and it gradually fell onto the pillow.

It was clear that I only had two undesirable options moving forward. I could either continue to be his dirty little secret, which would potentially save not only his career and mine as well. Or I could do the unthinkable and -

I shuddered. I couldn't even entertain the idea right now.

None of my former relationships, not even my previous engagement with Charlie, could compare to how I felt when I was with Julian. He made me feel whole, like there was a part of me missing that I didn't know existed until I met him that first night in the restaurant. He loved me for who I was, and didn't expect me to change anything about myself to suit others. And most importantly, he made me feel so safe and secure, especially when he wrapped me in his arms like he did now.

There was no way I could entertain the idea of leaving him. But I also hated being his secret dirty laundry, like I was some illicit affair that would cause irreparable damage if the news ever came out. We were a couple in love, and we deserved the same respect that any other hetero couple would get.

I heard Julian's head shuffle against the pillow and felt his lips press against the back of my neck.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked in his croaky morning voice.

"Yeah," I whispered.

His arms tightened around me and he used his impressive strength to pull me even closer to him.

"I love you," he murmured.

Another tear escaped and trickled down my cheek. "I love you too, Julian."

---

Julian

I was never the type to be overly suspicious or paranoid. And I had no reason to be after the  incredible past 24 hours I've had. But as I watched Alexis interact with my family, something in my gut told me that something was off.

Alexis smiled when prompted, laughed at my father's corny jokes, and happily joined in the cheery conversation with Mom and Estelle. Mechanically, Alexis was behaving completely normal for someone meeting his partner's family for the first time. But there was something in those warm brown eyes of his, flickering at me like an alert that only I could interpret.

After helping Mum with the breakfast dishes, Alexis joined me on the sofa and he leaned into me. Instinctively, I put my arm around him and kissed him on top of his head.

"Are you alright, baby?" I whispered in his ear.

Alexis looked up at me and smiled. "Of course I am."

I wanted to believe him, in his smile, in the way he rubbed the back of my hand gently with his thumb. But his eyes gave him away.

"I love you. You know that, right?" I said.

Alexis nodded his head and kissed me quickly. "I love you too, Julian."

Again, everything mechanically speaking was right, but even in the taste of his kiss, there was something off about it.

"When do you fly back to the west coast?" Estelle asked us.

"Tomorrow," I replied.

"Julian," Mom called out from the kitchen. "When you do eventually come out to the world, can we fly a rainbow flag outside?"

"Sure," I said with a chuckle.

"Don't give her that power," Estelle said, rolling her eyes. "She has this 'Proud Trans Mom' shirt she wears and it's literally so embarrassing."

"Estelle, I heard that!" Mom called out.

 

After spending the day with my family, Alexis and I had travelled back to New York City and returned back to our room. With our last night on our little getaway, I wanted to do something special for Alexis; something that showed him that I was absolutely, undeniably in love with him. Something that would take that sadness out of his eyes that had been troubling me all day.

Alexis kicked his shoes off and fell onto the couch with a yawn.

"Are you tired, baby?" I asked him.

He nodded his head. "I think I just need a power nap."

"Okay. Do you want me to snuggle with you?"

Alexis looked momentarily torn between both options as he considered his response. Another alert flashing in front of my face.

"Yes please," he said finally.

I knew Alexis was stubborn. Whatever it was that was bothering him so much would have to wait, because no matter what state we were in, if he asked me to hold him, I would, without any question.

"Let's go snuggle in bed then," I suggested.

Alexis shook his head, as stubborn as ever. "I'm too comfortable on the couch."

I placed my hands underneath his neck and his thighs and hoisted him up into the air, which elicited a cute little yelp from Alexis. I carried him into the master bedroom and carefully set him down on his side of the bed. I fell down onto the mattress next to him and pulled him close to me, locking my arms around his waist.

"I just need a quick nap," he whispered. "Wake me up in half an hour and then we can go do something, okay?"

"Okay, baby."

"I love you, darling," he sung.

I kissed him on the side of his neck. "I love you too, baby."

As soon as he had closed his eyes, he dozed off to a peaceful sleep in my arms. I looked down at this beautiful man snuggled up to me and smiled.

I was truly fucking in love with this man.

---

Alexis

My eyes slowly fluttered open from my power nap and I let out a yawn.

Wow. I felt extremely well rested after that.

"Hey baby," Julian's voice came from behind.

It was very reassuring to feel his arms were still wrapped tightly around me. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the light, until I realised that there was very minimal light outside.

"Oh my God, Julian! What time is it?"

"Just past 9 pm."

"I slept for two hours? You were meant to wake me up after 30 minutes!"

Julian chuckled. "I know, but you obviously needed the sleep."

I rolled around onto my other side so I could look at him in his beautiful blue eyes.

"And you've just been laying here waiting for me to wake up?"

Julian nodded his head like it was nothing. "I mean, I had a quick nap myself, and I watched TV for a bit. But you wanted me to snuggle you, and your wish is my command, baby."

My heart almost exploded at his admission. Seeing the sincere look in his eye, and that beautiful smile that could stop an army, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this man loved me.

Julian must've noticed the emotions rush to my eyes because he immediately cradled my head in his strong hands and kissed my forehead.

"What's the matter, baby?" he whispered.

"I love you so much, Julian," I said as a tear fell down my face.

"I love you too, baby." He kissed my cheek softly. "Hey, come here."

He pulled me closer to him and cradled my head against his chest.

Seeing, and feeling, his love for me made it even more apparent that protecting him and his career was priority number one.

The thought of this man, who looked at me with such a pure love that I was almost convinced I didn't deserve it, growing to resent me because he jeopardised his career to be with me made my skin crawl.

"What's the matter, baby?" he repeated himself.

"I loved meeting your family, I loved seeing where you grew up and experiencing that side of your life that no one gets to see," I said.

"They loved meeting you too, baby."

I pressed a kiss against his palm. "You know what I love most about you? The way you protect me and make me feel so safe and secure. No one's ever really done that for me before."

I sat up and turned to look at him, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes.

"And I will always protect you," he said sweetly.

"I know, which is why I need to protect you." I let out a deep breath and felt my heart already shattering into tiny fragments. "You can't risk your career for me, Julian. You have worked way too hard and way too long to achieve this success, and to ruin it for a possible chance at being with me is very short-sighted."

Seeing the love and wonder totally disappear from Julian's expression hurt me a lot more than my own realisation did.

"Don't tell me I'm short-sighted," Julian said.

"It's what's best for you, Julian."

I swear I saw his lip tremble slightly as the weight of the conversation finally hit him.

"You're not breaking up with me, are you Lex?" his voice came out softly.

---

Julian

The fact that Alexis didn't immediately respond cut me to my core. My mind immediately raced through the past 72 hours we shared together and tried to pinpoint any moment where the time we had spent had gone awry.

"I don't know," he said finally. "I just think we should consider our options moving forward."

"What does that mean, Lex?"

Tears trickled down Alexis's face. I ignored my natural instinct to walk over to him, take him in my arms, and tell him everything was going to be alright while I cradled him.

"Your career should come first, Julian. You have dedicated your entire life into becoming this amazing athlete you are today, and that should be your focus. Don't forget the initial reason why we met in the first place, Julian. I was hired to help you with your recovery and to save your career so you could continue to thrive and be the best version of you possible."

"I am the best version of myself when I have you, Lex." I paused momentarily. "Is this why you've been acting strange all day?"

Alexis nodded his head. "And I am the best Alexis I can be when I'm with you, Julian."

"Then why are you doing this? You were willing to risk your career for me, so why can't I do the same for you?"

"Because our careers aren't the same, Julian," Alexis said louder than expected. "I didn't grow up watching sober companions on television, and I didn't dedicate hours and hours of my formative years training to become the best sober companion ever."

Not knowing what to say, I simply frowned at him and folded my arms against my chest.

"I will survive losing this career and I will bounce back on my feet, but what about you? I don't want a year or two to pass and watch you resent me because you risked your career just for me."

"I could never resent you or hold something like that against you, Lex."

"You say that now, but the memories from the past 15 years of your life will eventually catch up to you, and you will only see me as the catalyst for the end of your football career." Alexis wiped away the tears with the back of his hand. "I love you so much, Julian, and the only thing worse than not being with you would be having you hate me."

My heart was pounding so hard, I thought Alexis could feel it from where he was standing. Emotions were threatening to pour out of my eyes, and I was trying everything I could to stop them.

I didn't want to admit it to myself, or to him, but he was making valid points. I had never felt this strongly for anyone before in my life, and never did I think I would meet someone who competed with football in my life.

But on the off chance that being with Alexis meant that my career was over... I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I didn't have a backup plan. I wouldn't know where I'd fall if football was ripped away from me. I didn't know if I could bounce back on my feet like Alexis could.

"I am fucking crazy about you, Lex" my voice came out a lot louder than expected. "Yes, I love my football, but fuck do I love you. We can make this work." My mind frantically searched for the perfect solution. "We can hold out longer if we have to. I know it's fucked up for me to ask, but if you can just wait for me, I fucking swear that I can be the man for you, Lex."

"I don't want to be your shameful little secret, Julian," Alexis cried.

"Neither do I!"

Alexis quietly sobbed and backed away from me, turning to lean against the far wall.

"Don't give up on me, Lex."

I wanted to move off this bed and either do a 10 mile jog to get rid of all of this adrenaline, or hold Alexis and show him how much I loved him. But I was frozen on the spot as I watched him sob uncontrollably in front of me.

"Lex, baby, I love you," my voice came out softer than before.

"I know you do," he said in between sobs.

"Don't give up on me."

Alexis rubbed his eyes and looked over his shoulder at me, his chocolate brown eyes reddened with emotion.

"Don't give up on me," I repeated as a tear fell down my cheek.