I Said Yes

What Now? I Can’t Sit Here…

Sarah and I went and sat in her car for, what seemed like, hours. I know I went through almost an entire pack of smokes while we were out in the parking lot. I didn’t really want to talk much…and I was still questioning what I should be doing. Sarah said that Luann had called in my Assistant manager, so I didn’t need to stay and she suggested we go down the street and get a bite to eat and a few drinks while I waited…or decided what to do next. I agreed and we went to a local sports bar/pub and sat at the bar on the patio where it was, somewhat, private and a bit more discreet…I knew her rationale was to sit out there in case I got emotional…or another phone call. It was a good move because I didn’t want to go home…or be at work…and I thought if we were in public, I would be able to keep things in check.

Food and drinks came, and we had been there about an hour when my phone rang. It was Nolan’s number…I couldn’t answer it…so I let it go to voicemail. Seconds later a call from Corey came…same result…couldn’t do it…and then my phone buzzed with text message notifications:

Nolan: “Have you talked to Chris?”

Me: “Yes”

Nolan: “I am blown away…don’t know what to think”

Me: “Can’t do this right now…call you later”

Nolan: “K. Sorry…hang in…talk soon”

Corey: “Dude…WTF”

Me: “Can’t do it right now…call you later”

Corey: “With Nolie…just call one or the other…will be together”

Me: “K”

I kind of chuckled for a second as I wondered, if they were together, why they were testing me separately but who knew…everyone reacts differently to that kind of news.

Suddenly, other friends of ours came out onto the patio. Either Sarah had called folks when I wasn’t paying attention or Luann had let people know. I had a small circle of close friends, I had known for years, in this tiny little town. My family had lived there for 30+ years and were well known business owners. Even with my transfers to other states and living elsewhere I managed to maintain these friends through it all and would see them anytime I was in town. And…for the most part, none of them were surprised about Penny and I splitting up nor surprised about my relationship with Michael. Thinking back, I was amazed at how non-judgmental and supportive this small group was.

We all just kind of sat there drinking for a little while. Though not much was really said everyone was trying to distract me with chit chat about who was doing what in town. As much as I appreciated it all I just really couldn’t do it. I really felt like I wanted to be alone and I knew I was going to lose it at some point…and I did not want to do that in front of anyone. I managed to hug everyone and told Sarah that I really needed to go…I needed to make some calls and make some decisions about what I should do. Everyone understood and I decided to walk back over to the restaurant to get my car. I had the urge to go inside and check in with Luann. When I went inside, she was behind the bar talking with Stephen, the assistant manager, and they both came over and gave me a hug. Before I knew it the rest of the staff was huddled around us. I had made no secret about my former relationship with Michael…on paper it looks weird to have called it a former relationship…but I guess that is what it was. I didn’t last inside very long…I appreciated everyone’s concern and support, but I had to get out of there. I would have the next two days off so I told them I would call the following day to check in.

I got back to the house and it was eerily quiet…even Scooter (I had lost Sassy the year before to a heart problem related to her age) was mellow and quiet. When I sat on the couch he came up and checked me out but then jumped back down and laid on the rug that was his normal spot. I must have been sitting there for a good hour when my phone rang…it was Chris.

“Hey…just wanted you to know we made it to Cannon. Momma Su is here and she took Diane to the coffee shop” (Chris)

“How is she”

“Considering, she is doing ok…Do you want details now…or should I wait?” (Chris)

“Might as well tell me…then my breakdown can be complete I suppose”

“Michael and I ran into Kanae the other day…. right before we headed down to San Fran... We were at the Dive Bar and she served him with papers…she was going after full custody and said all these crazy things about him in the court papers…” (Chris)

“What? I was with him all weekend and he didn’t say a word…”

“So, like he always does…he stuffed it inside…I told him to talk with you about it but obviously…” (Chris)

“Dude…what the fuck happened”

“All I can say for sure is that he drove to Cannon…he spent the afternoon with Mama on the beach and then sometime last night he ran into Meg and Brett (Friends of ours from Seattle) at that little bistro next door to the hotel” (Chris)

“And!!”

“He sat with them and had some food and, between the 3 of them, they polished off a couple of bottles of wine” (Chris)

“Chris…”

“Some time after he left them he went and got a bottle of Jack and a pack of smokes and went back to the motel…This morning the maids tried to get in the room…they kept knocking and there was no answer…but the door was locked with the deadbolt from inside…Thy got the manager who decided to call the cops when he got no answer either…” (Chris)

“I don’t fuckin understand…”

“When the cops got there, they basically broke the door down and found him on the floor…they said he was still breathing but barely…by the time the paramedics got there he was already gone…” (Chris)

“Are you fucking serious…so he shot himself?”

“Yep” (Chris)

“Where?”

“In the head…the gun was on the ground next to his hand…I guess it was pretty gory in the room” (Chris)

“I don’t get it…and he was alive when they got there…?”

“yeah” (Chris)

It took my breath away…hearing Chris’ description of what Michael did…how graphic it was...I found out a little later in the day that the paramedics took Michael to the local hospital and he was pronounced dead there…even though Chris said it happened at the motel. Then I had a horrible thought (well…one of a million) …no one was with him…he was alone in the room at the motel and he was alone when he died. That thought, all by itself, nearly put me over the edge. Chris did tell me that when he and Diane got to the hospital, they were able to sit with Michael’s body…they were there for an hour or so and Diane had to go through the process of officially identifying him for the county coroner. I couldn’t even imagine what that would have been like or how she did it…. nope…could not even fathom that and am sure I would not have been able to do it.

Chris continued to fill me in on what was happening. Ordinarily (I guess) a suspicious or unnatural death requires that there be an autopsy, and, in larger towns and cities, that can take days. Because Cannon Beach is so small the county sheriff contracts with the local hospital to perform that service and remains are held at the hospital until arrangements are/can be made by the family. In Michael’s case, when he was transported to the local hospital there was a doctor on shift who was qualified and able to complete the process…so Diane and Chris would not have to wait…or make another trip down. I guess that was courteous of them…some of the details were just mundane to me…considering the big picture…but looking back…everything was just blurry. We ended the conversation with the “Love ya man” and “stay strong” and “Will talk a little later” comments and then silence…

As I sat there wondering what I should do…where I should be right then…who I should be calling…my mind wandered back to our very first weekend in Cannon Beach a few years earlier. I had purchased a weekend “escape” for Michael for Christmas. When we were at Dave and Diane’s that first Christmas, I had discreetly handed Michael the envelope with the gift in it. He didn’t open it until we were back at the apartment that night, but I remember how excited he was…it was our first trip together and his plan was to make the most of it. Neither of us had ever been to Cannon Beach but it took no time at all for us to decide it was our spot. The motel was literally right on the beach next to some game preserve, so it was secluded. There was a section of stores and retail outlets, restaurants, a Starbucks, and a Bistro/Café right across the street. All in all, everything we needed and no need to drive anywhere. I would say that the first weekend we spent there was the best, most intense (emotionally and physically) and most memorable of our road trips. As I sat and thought…so many things about that trip defined us as a couple…defined us as lovers…and defined the real beginning of the end in terms of our relationship. That part leaves one to think that it was negative…a bad trip…but in reality that trip helped define me as a person, and though the outcome was not what I expected nor planned, it formed a bond between us because we truly came to know each other…in so many ways.

As I sat on the couch, thinking about that trip and all that it meant…I realized the enormity of what had happened in the past 24 hours and the depths of the sadness and loss I suddenly felt. I looked around the room and realized I was alone. Alone by choice but, none the less, alone. I also realized that the choice to be alone…and the choice to not be with Michael the past years…was mine…and only mine. I also realized that our choices always had ramifications…or consequences in some respects and I had to wonder what part I played in the choice Michael made last night and how overwhelming those consequences would be…for so many people.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
― Sally Brampton, Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression