I Said Yes

I Made A Promise…My Tribute To The Man I Loved…

(Full text of the Eulogy)

(The Song Plays: “I’m Just a Blank Piece of Paperby Tim McGraw)

“I'm just a blank sheet of paper, This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry, For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness, For leavin you alone

He's been lookin down at me, It seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen, It's like he can't decide
What he wants to say, If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way

But he just stares at me, And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start, To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it’s one hour later, And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

The sunlight is comin through the curtains, He's almost asleep pen in hand
There's a tear in his eye, that refuses to fall
If it would land on me, that would say it all

But he just stares at me, And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start, To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's four hours later, And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Oh but he just stares at me, And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start, To say he wants you back again
One broken heart later, And I'm still a blank sheet of paper”

Tim McGraw, Brad Warren, Brett Warren, Don Schlitz

* * * *

“Usually these kinds of events begin with a minister speaking from a handbook saying something along the lines of “dearest family and friends; we are gathered here today to…” and so on, and so forth. However, we all know that Michael was never much for formalities, so in this service we will forgo such traditional ceremonial rhetoric…and in doing so, Please know that there is no disrespect directed at those that value ceremony and tradition…but for those that truly knew Michael, knew his path was far more spiritual than one of organized religion. We are all here today to both grieve the tragic loss, as well as celebrate the extraordinary life of Michael David Cavanaugh. Today we will, no doubt, shed many tears, but I am confident that we will also crack some smiles, and even let out some laughs as we reminisce over all the joyful memories that Michael has blessed us with, memories which we will all cherish close to our hearts for the rest of our own days.

I invite you now bow your heads and join me in reflection and remembrance:

“We come here this day, to this place of love, mercy and grace, humbly recognizing the frailty of human life. We are broken. We are grieved. There is now a void in each of our lives that our loving relationships with Michael once filled, and we will never be the same from these days forward. Our broken heartedness, at the loss of Michael, is of such great magnitude that we cannot help but rely upon strength and love to comfort the deepest sorrows of our souls. We hope for mercy and grace and we seek to be strengthened by the love and kindness Michael showed to each one of us. We know that our memories will, someday, grant us the peace in our hearts in the midst of our brokenness.”

We as human beings tend to take life for granted. We live our lives simply presuming upon tomorrow, or the following week, or the upcoming months. However, life has a tendency of reminding us of our own temporality, our fragility, our own mortality, our own finite-ness. The truth for all of us is that our days are numbered from the very beginning. We might be tempted to think that Michael’s life was cut short, and it would seem so – yet if we take things at face-value, this is not the case.

Michael’s forty-four years and two hundred and sixty-nine days, right down to the very number of breaths he would inhale, were determined in the mind of some sort of higher power before the foundations of the very world itself. Michael lived forty-four years of life full of love, adventure, friendship, laughter, sadness, despair, and joy. But his time has ended. Michael is now gone. There are no more prayers that can be offered for him now. His time has expired, and he has gone on to a different place. There is nothing left that we can do but to entrust him to the hands of an unfathomably merciful and gracious higher power. But we remain…

Therefore, I turn my focus now to addressing all of you who are gathered here in his remembrance. I wish for us to allow Michael’s death to direct our attention to our own lives, and for us to consider the fact that our time is also limited. We are not infinite. We are not immortal. We too have expiration dates. What makes life tricky is that none of us know when our expiration date will be…or why…we simply know that one day our time will come as well.

Recently I watched a very intriguingvideoon the internet. The creators of this inspirational video gave a presentation about life with each day represented by jellybeans. The irony of this video was that Michael loved jellybeans. He had them on his desk, on his kitchen counter, next to his chair in the living room, in the production room and in the tasting room…Jellybeans everywhere…

In the video, They began by dumping approximately 28,835 jellybeans on the floor, with each individual bean representing a single day. This number represents the average number of days an American will live – some of us may have more beans and some of us may have less, but the average works out to about 28,835. The narrator then isolated a single bean to represent the day of our birth, and then took another 364 from the pile to represent the 1st year of our lives. Next, to give a sense of scale the narrator then isolates 5,475 jelly beans from the pile to give a visual representation of the first 15 years of life, all the while there is a counter in the upper right corner of the screen keeping track of how many beans (days) are left from the original amount. By this time there are 23,360 beans (days) left. The video continues to illustrate how much time the average person will spend throughout the course of their lifetime on various activities. The average person will spend 8,477 days sleeping, 1,635 days eating drinking or preparing meals, 3,202 days working in our various vocations, 1,099 days commuting to or from somewhere, 2676 days watching television or consuming some form of digital media, 1576 days tending to routine household chores like cleaning or tending to pets, 564 days caring for the needs of others, 671 days bathing or grooming (and other bathroom-related activities), 720 daysparticipating in community activities like religious or civic duties or continued education classes. After all these basic activities and functions of average life are accounted for there are only 2,740 beans left, which leads us to the grand question…

What will you do with the time you have left? How much do you think you’ve already used? How much do you think you’ve wasted? If you only had half of that time left, what would you do differently? What about only a quarter, or an eighth of that time remaining? If you had only one day left to live, how would you spend it? Are there broken relationships in your life that need to be reconciled? Could your priorities use some adjusting – perhaps a little less television and more family meals around the dinner table? Perhaps allowing the words “I love you” to more frequently leave our mouths directed toward those whom we love. As we reflect upon the loss of Michael, may we be brought to a deep and sobering reminder of the fragility of our lives, the temporality of our time, and the finite-ness of our existence, and let us all re-examine our values and priorities as to whether or not they are really that important from the perspective of eternity.

May Michael’s forty-four years, years that were jam-packed full of life, inspire us all to never take a single day for granted, and to live our lives to their fullest capacity, giving of ourselves in love and service to others, unreservedly and abundant in expression.”

* * * *

It was over…about 15 minutes…my mouth was so dry…I became hoarse about 5 minutes into it. I surveyed the crowd as I talked and had to pinpoint one person to focus on as I spoke. I couldn’t look at Diane, or the girls, or Chris & Nolan…I couldn’t focus on anyone I knew for fear of just losing it all together. I caught the evil and hateful glances from Kanae, multiple times…her demeanor bothered me…not one of grief or sadness…she just looked pissed…not overwhelmed…just flat out angry…

When I signaled the family, that it was time for them to get up from their chairs, Diane walked up to the podium and put the palm of her hand against my face…holding it there for, what seemed an eternity, and she stared into my eyes…that knowing look she always had when she had something to say…but no words were spoken…we just knew…

* * * *

I spent a lot of time at the cemetery during the few days that followed the funeral. I couldn't stand being there, really, and I decided I would never go back after that day…but I did, on this day…a new day...it would be my last though...As I looked at the phrase…or quote, on the marker…the one I had gotten from the letter he had left, I began to tear up:

“I just need you to be able to tell people I was here…

I felt, I lived, and I loved as much as I could, while I could…”

I knew he wasn’t there, but the essence of him was…of course there was the stone…but he was cremated and though, there was no body, you could feel him all around you when you sat there, close enough. Diane, the family and the guys had spread his ashes in the vineyards…and Chris had taken some up to the springs…they had sent me some “of him” but, On this day, I wished I had participated in those things…but I had not. I sat next to his stone and talked to him for a long time on that last visit. I told him I loved him, and I was going to not ever forget him…not ever forget the things he wrote in his last letter… and I would never forget how he changed me…how he helped me change…The enormity of the notion that it was over and I would never see him again, well, it consumed me right then and there…I felt like a canyon had dug its way into my heart and, for the first time, I realized how very much I had missed him…his goofiness, his smile…and his quirkiness but, I had, in fact, learned how to live without him…I supposed another lesson he had for me…

* * * *

We only had a small window of time to make the trek to Walla Walla…I had been feeling very fortunate… to be indulged in this one last thing, was amazing on his part…There would only be a short time before people would notice we had gone away for a minute…the important ones knew we had made the trip. As I sat there, on the grass, talking to Michael, I reminded him that I had decided never to come see him again…seeing his gravestone made me feel as though I could, in fact, see him and I had to remind him that I had promised myself not to come back…not to put myself through that again…but there was a reason…a calling for me to be there…that day and that moment…I didn’t know why…I just knew I had to do it…he would want me to do it…

For a split second, when I turned and looked into the glaring sun…I almost thought it was him…For a moment in time, a frozen moment in time, I thought the whole thing had been a dream…a virtual nightmare of sorts…my glances alternated between Michael’s stone and Dave’s marker…and then…I felt a presence behind me…I felt hands touch me…one on each shoulder and I lost it…lost all control of my emotions. My body shook with sobs as the two hands gripped my shoulders…one rubbing my back in a soothing and caring way…Two soft, but masculine voices then telling me it was all going to be ok…it was time for things to be ok…Michael had loved me…and I had loved him…and it was all going to be ok….