I Said Yes

The Fire pit, The Springs & Another Sunrise

I, and the others, managed to pull our-selves together and get up off the ground. I am sure we looked like a bunch of idiots for a few minutes, but I didn’t really care. When I got my wits about me, I looked over at the fire pit and realized Diane was there…along with Jenny, her friend Heidi, Mama Su and Chef John, all looking at us as we headed towards them. Diane stood up and walked over to me with her arms wide open…we stood and stared at each other for a minute…maybe longer…and then she stepped up and hugged me. I laid my head on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her and I felt the tears start streaming down my face. It was eerily quiet…except for the crackle of the fire. I noticed how cold it felt and how chilled I was suddenly. The moment played out as if it were in slow motion…what really was only a minute or two felt like an hour…us standing there in embrace with everyone else watching…quietly watching. I had the mother of all lumps in my throat and I felt like I couldn’t breathe again. It felt like I was a little kid who had skinned his knee in the safe embrace of his mother. I kept waiting for the tears to stop and for me to warm up again…

Diane pulled away and put a hand on either of my shoulders and just looked at me. I whispered/mouthed “I am so, so sorry”to which she told me to stop and not go there. We stared at each other for a minute and then Chris came over with a bottle of Jameson…handed it to me and I took a big swig. We walked arm in arm over to the fire and I was being hugged by everyone else there…one by one…I was numb and cold and had no idea what to say, if anything, to any of them. I sat down on a bench in front of the fire…Chris and Corey came and sat on either side of me. Someone had brought a boom box and Pearl Jam (Michael’s favorite) played in the background. The ladies were all drinking wine and the guys were all drinking Jameson…and we all just sat. No one was really saying anything…mostly just staring down at the ground. The whole setting was like something out of a book…or a nightmare…although there tends to be more action in your dreams and nightmares I suppose. The scene was just surreal to me…something supernatural had taken control…if I wasn’t having a nightmare, I must be in some sort of alternate universe…It had to be.

I think everyone sitting around the fire understood the awkwardness of the moment. No one person knew what to say and the sadness and grief was just…well…so apparent and visible on the faces of those there. The thing that struck me…more so than other things…was the difference in the look in the guys versus the ladies. It was almost as if the ladies knew it was their job to console and caretake, and organize and the guys were…well they all looked lost with no clue as to what to do or say next. I guess, at that moment, I realized that it was basic commentary on society and our culture in general…and then I understood that I was over thinking it way too much. I mean, I wanted to know what to do and what to say and how to act and how to feel…but there was no handbook for this and it’s kind of pissed me off. Shit was just spinning around in my head and, here I was again, with little or no control of the situation…once again Michael had put me in that spot, and I was irritated about it. I would need to work hard at disguising that irritation for that moment…I did not think it was the time and place.

Again, having sat there for, what seemed like hours, I was getting anxious and felt like I was going stir crazy. The ladies were quietly chatting while they were sipping on wine…Diane was actually smoking a cigar and seemed to be trying to lift peoples spirits up. The guys were still just hanging out not really talking. I noticed Chris had taken a couple of trips into the production room and then back out. I felt like I had to do something to shake the guys up…it was 3:30 in the morning and I either had to get up and move…or go up to bed. I had no clue who was staying in the apartment with me…but I assumed at least Chef Rob and Nolan…I suspected that Corey would stay over at Chris’ place. So, either I go on up to bed and snuggle with Scooter or…I had an idea…one where I could either be alone…or I could bring the guys and get them to loosen up a bit…I got up and moved over to Diane and whispered in her ear…telling her I was going for a walk and would be back in a bit…she should go home and get some rest…she nodded…held my hand for a minute and then blew me a kiss. I turned around back to the guys…

“Come on you guys…let’s take a walk”

“Where…what are we doing” (Corey)

“Just go with the flow” (Chris)

“Do I need my coat or anything” (Rob)

“Nope…in fact you will need less…” (Chris)

I realized that Chris knew exactly what we were doing, and I shot him a quick smile, but the others had no clue. I made my way through the complex and headed up the path alongside the production building on the right and a row of grapes on the left. We walked in silence for quite a long time before we came to the crest of the hill…and from that vantage point you could see down onto the small lake and hot springs. The entire valley was illuminated by the moon…it wasn’t a harvest moon…but close. As I was standing there I had realized it was almost 6 years prior to that day that I had seen this sight for the first time…and saw my first harvest moon…or at least what I would learn to be a harvest moon.

“Take a look guys…Isn’t this one of the coolest views you have ever seen?”

“Yeah…but where are we going…what are we doing?” (Corey)

“Just go with it Cor” (Chris)

“Corey…do you remember the first time you and I were here…we did that big party for them”

“Yep” (Corey)

“Remember how you were so hammered…well…you wouldn’t remember that part…we stopped at the bar after and we basically had to carry you up the stairs and put you to bed…”

“I guess…I mean I heard the story” (Corey)

“Well…after you passed out Michael brought me up here for the first time…there was a harvest moon and we went down to the hot springs down there. That is why Diane gave me so much grief the next day because we didn’t come back until after sunrise”

“Ahhh…got it” (Corey)

“Come on guys…”

The guys all had heard the sunrise stories one in one way, shape, or another. Chris chuckled at the thought as I know he had more information than the rest of them. We got down to the springs and I stood and looked around for a minute. I know the other three (Corey, Rob & Nolan) were wondering what was up. At that moment Chris and I exchanged looks and then both of us began taking our clothes off at the same time. We were naked and got in the springs…followed by Nolan who had put two and two together. The three of us were sitting in the water before Rob and Corey even knew what was going on…

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” (Rob)

“Why do you still have clothes on?”

“You want me to get naked with you guys…I don’t think so” (Rob)

“Get over yourself…this is what Michael did…and then me too…when he needed time to relax and pull it together…this was his spot…and this is how he did it…I thought it might help us…ya know”

“Gotcha” (Rob)

And in no time Rob and Corey were naked and wading into the water. Sitting in the springs, with no one talking at that moment, provided a little bit of respite for me from my spinning head. I closed my eyes and, even though I could hear and feel movement, I was beginning to mellow out and relax a bit. The warmth of the mineral waters was soothing to me and I could tell the guys were getting it. Again, with my eyes closed, I sensed movement for a minute and then seconds later felt a huge splash that made waves all around us. When I looked Chris was coming up from below the surface…he had surprised everyone but getting out and then doing a cannon ball right near us. Laughter ensued as then Nolan jumped out…ran up to the perch of rocks and did the same. Corey was next…it was funny to see his bare white ass running towards to jumping spot. When he came up, he surfaced with a grimace on his face…holding his balls…and the rest of us just could not contain the laughter…

“You’re supposed to tuck ya fool…that’s what a cannon ball is” (Chris)

“Fuck off…I didn’t grow up around the water like you”

“Maybe Chris will massage em and make em all better (Nolan)

“Or kiss em and make em all good” (Rob)

“Fuck you guys…” (Corey)

“Oh, he knows I will make him feel all better later” (Chris)

Everyone (but me) was blown away by Chris’ comment…it was the first time, after all these years, that either one of them acknowledged that they were in some sort of relationship…or at least fucking around. I mean, we all knew…at least Michael and I did…but there really was never a mention of it…at least that I knew of. Chris looked around at the other guys, noticing the look of shock on their faces…

“What…are you guys just that dumb or naïve?” (Chris)

“Chris…what are you…” (Corey)

“It’s ok Cor…it’s not like we hadn’t figured it out” (Nolan)

“Well I hadn’t figured it out but what the fuck…like it matters” (Rob)

“That’s cuz you are just in your own little world Rob” (Nolan)

I looked at Corey and could tell he was freaked out…It was a bit funny to me to think that, after all this time, he really didn’t think anyone knew about he and Chris. I understood why he, or they, wanted it that way…but for Christ’s sake…we aren’t gonna judge! And I told them that…

“You guys were outed on your very first date”

“By whom?” (Corey)

“Well, not outed I guess…but discovered by Michael and me. After that first holiday wine dinner at the restaurant…Michael and I stopped at Admiral. It was a busy night there and he was trying to get me to play darts or something…when we looked over by the dart boards, we saw you guys…all huddled up in a corner in the dark”

“Why didn’t you say anything” (Corey)

“Because that was your time…and your business. We didn’t want to intrude nor did either of us want to make it uncomfortable for either of you…I mean…we were your bosses and in all reality…we were doing the same thing and not really wanting people to get the wrong idea”

“Thank you…I guess?” (Corey)

“So, any way…I don’t know if Michael ever said anything to Chris…but I chose not to…it is your story and you get to choose who you share it with”

“I would love to hug you right now…but…uh…not while we are naked” (Corey)

“Well, thank you for that”

We all cracked up and it was good to see Corey had some sort of a sense of humor about it all. I was also thankful that the mood had lightened a bit. I caught a glimpse from Chris, and he was smiling and winked at me, so I knew things were lining up ok. He really was the person who knew Michael better than anyone and, while I was worried about him, I was happy to get the thumbs up and the wink. He and I would, at another time, sit down and trade stories and laughs and tears…just the two of us…I knew that would happen at some point (and it did)…but at that moment I was just glad he was there and he and Corey didn’t have to expend the energy to hide…at least not from us.

When all was said and done, we got out of the springs and dressed. No one said anything about this group of guys, basically skinny dipping together, and I was thankful for that. While I thought they were all hot in their own way, that was certainly not the reason I took them up to the springs. I looked up and realized we were on the verge of sunrise. I told the guys to hurry up…we had missed our curfew and they all laughed. We got to the ridge just as the sun was coming up over the largest area of vineyards on the property…I had to think that, of all the sunsets Michael and I had seen up on this hill…we had never been standing on the actual ridge to watch one…and, in my head, now we had.