I Said Yes

A Warning, The Showdown and Matt’s Decision

We wandered back down the path and got back to the complex as the sun had crested the hill and was pretty much up. There were several cars in the circle and more in front of the production building. Corey volunteered to run up and grab scooter because he, too, had to pee. The rest of us wandered over to the tasting room and, once through the door, were greeted by Diane, Jenny, Heidi, the girls, and several others including Chef John. After being scolded by Diane for doing the sunrise thing and being a bad influence on the other “amigos”, she came up and gave me a big hug and whispered that she hoped it helped. I nodded, pulled away and kissed her on the cheek. I heard Chris say “Oh Wow” …and I looked over and saw a huge buffet table set up…complete with a mimosa and bloody Mary station. Chef John had brought his crew over and prepared breakfast for everyone that was here. Diane was expecting the rest of the winery staff so, considering the circumstances, she wanted to make sure to feed everyone. She always thought of every little detail and about others before herself. I remember thinking that we should be the ones taking care of, and catering to her but that was not her way.

As I was wandering around the perimeter of the room, looking at several paintings that Michael had done, Jenny came over to me and put her arm through mine. She just walked around the edge of the room with me…teary eyed and sad. She really didn’t say anything but held on tightly to me. All the communication was unspoken but I was truly glad to have her close to me. We had a lot in common in terms of our personalities, so we got along well. I appreciated her loyalty and devotion to Michael and the family, and she included me in that…once she decided I was “cool”.

Diane came over and huddled with us in a corner and she grabbed ahold of my other arm…I knew another hammer was about to drop…or at least that was the look I was seeing on her face…

“I just got off the phone with Kanae…I didn’t want you to be shocked or surprised if she shows up here” (Diane)

“Fuck…oh damn…I am sorry”

“It’s not like I have never heard that word before…You do know who I raised and who I work with…?” (Diane)

“I totally forgot about Kanae…I am an idiot for coming…I can’t believe I did this”

“Stop…you have every bit as much of a right to be here…actually…probably more so DO NOT apologize” (Diane)

“I just should have thought about that…shit”

“I promise you…it is ok for you to be here…I want you here…I want you to be a part of this…Michael would want you here” (Diane)

“Well, pardon me if I am of the opinion that Michael doesn’t get a say in this…”

“I know…I shouldn’t have said it that way” (Diane)

“I am so sorry…I should not have said what I said either…but I am a little pissed off at him right now” …” Ok, ok…do you know if she is coming or not?”

“I am not sure…she doesn’t really have any friends or family…other than us” (Diane)

“Go figure…damn…I’m sorry”
“So I suspect she will want to come over…and I told her that people were here and the staff were all coming…sort of before I realized I was doing it” (Diane)

“Di, you do not have to apologize either…she is the mother of your grandson and she is entitled…I just did not think about us seeing each other…so it caught me a little off guard”

Diane gave me a motherly look and told me to handle it however I thought best, for me. Now my anxiety level just tripled. I had met Kanae once. We all were at Michael’s favorite dive bar…the spot where he and I stopped many times…Diane even went with us the Day or week that Dave had died. The night I met Kanae was a Friday night…the bar was hosting Karaoke (yuk) and Michael, Nolan, Chris, and I were there with the expressed intent on getting drunk. We had all had a rough week at our respective jobs and coincidentally Nolan and I were both in Walla Walla on that weekend. Michael and I were going through a bit of a rough patch and had had a really long talk that day…emotional, frustrating and intense…but in the end it was ok and we had decided to go out and blow off some steam.

Kanae knew Michael and Chris from way back in high school. Chris had told me that she always had a crush on Michael and anytime they were out and ran into her she flirted and made passes at him. I had, at the onset, a bit of an attitude when I met her, but I was told, by all 3 guys, to let it go and focus on having a good time…so I did.

She made her attempt at flirting with Michael and he and Chris were polite when she came up to us…introducing Nolan and I to her…they chatted for a few minutes and she went back over to her table of friends. At one point, during the night, she sang…or tried to sing, a song and dedicated it to her “very good friend” Michael. I thought I was gonna puke but I had promised the guys to let it go…so I just played along.

That was my one and only interaction with Kanae. I had no idea how much detail she had about Michael and me. I knew she was aware of some sort of relationship between he and I, based on the little that Michael had told me. She was his baby-mama and they had lived together for a while…I had no idea how things had been between the two of them…when Michael and I talked he only talked about Kar (Hikari, his son) and then would babble on about what a bitch Kanae was and how difficult the split and custody issues had been. So here I was…waiting for…I didn’t know what…but my head started spinning again and that feeling of panic and not being able to breathe surfaced almost instantly. Jenny was still close and approached and asked if I was ok…I told her I just needed some air and was gonna go wander outside…she offered to go with me but I politely declined telling her I just needed a minute alone.

I went outside and realized I had left Scooter alone for quite a bit of time, so I ran up, grabbed him, and we came down and wandered around that back side of the production building. We were out there long enough to have had a couple of smokes. I was feeling a bit guilty about keeping my little buddy locked up in the apartment, so I wanted to give him a little extra time to run around and be outside. I picked up a stick and threw it and he grabbed it but would never bring it back to me…he clearly didn’t get the fetch part…he would go grab it and plop down right there and chew on it. He did make me laugh…every day…and I was thankful he was a part of my life…not sure what I would do without him. So, we screwed around for a bit and I said, “in the house” and he took off like a bat out of hell up the stairs and inside. He knew the routine and was sitting down wagging his tail when I got up there…it was treat time and he knew it…I gave him two…gave him a kiss on the top of the head and I went back outside headed towards the tasting room.

Just as I got close to the front walkway, I was approached by Chris who had an angry, yet panicked look on his face…

“She is here…the bitch is here!” (Chris)

“Diane told me she was probably gonna come so I took a walk”

“I don’t know what the fuck she is doing here…she is not welcome” (Chris)

“Chris…she is the mother of his kid…I am not surprised that she would want to be here…I don’t really like it, but I am not surprised”

“You are a better man than I am then…I want to tell her to get the fuck out” (Chris)

“And that would solve what? She and Michael’s family are gonna be forced to deal with stuff the next few days so we shouldn’t make that harder…and from what you guys have told me, Kanae can be pretty vindictive so I don’t think we should stoke that fire”

“Whatever…I guess you make sense…are you going to talk to her?” (Chris)

“I am lucky because I can play it off like I don’t remember ever meeting her…I guess if she approaches me I will be polite and not be a dick…but if she knows who I am I doubt she will come talk to me”

“Oh, trust me…she knows who you are…and do not be surprised if she comes at you…” (Chris)

“What the fuck…now I am totally freaked out…what does…or how much does she know?

“She knows enough, and she knows who you are…did Michael not talk to you about her?” (Chris)

“Not in any real detail…I mean I know things have not been good and she has given him a lot of trouble over the custody shit…but you know him…he’s not gonna…well…he didn’t share specific details”

“Ok…well…just be prepared for anything and everything…on top of it all the bitch makes up shit…she sees things completely different than what they are…” (Chris)

“Ok…thanks for the warning…I suppose I will just try and avoid it…maybe I will go take Scooter for a really long walk…Ha-Ha”

“Well…you are gonna interact with her…might as well get it over with” (Chris)

“Oh, listen to you…the voice of reason now”

“Fuck off” (Chris)

We laughed but that conversation clearly did nothing to reduce my stress level. I decided to hit the Bloody Mary station and grab some food. I thought it was going to be a long day and knew I had better get something in my stomach. This was a drinking crew and, normally I was never one to start in the morning, but I figured…When in Rome…

I grabbed my Bloody Mary and a plate of food…some pastries and stuff…and headed outside to one of the picnic tables. I figured I would stay out of the fray and out of the way by hanging out by the fire pit. It was turning out to be a beautiful morning. A little chill in the air but the sun was out, and you could tell it was going to be a nice day. I could only imagine all of the details that would need to be sorted out and I figured, at some point this morning, Chris and I would sit with Diane to see what we could and should do to help her. I was finished with the food…really having no appetite, so I pushed the plate away and concentrated on the Bloody Mary. I was not a vodka fan, but mimosas were worse, and it was too early to drink wine…so I dealt with it. I had lit a smoke and was sitting there when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that I was being approached…yep…it was gonna happen…no respite…no ducking out…and no way to avoid it…here we go…

“I wanted to come over and tell you that I think it is in really poor taste for you to be here…I can’t believe you had the balls to show up” (Kanae)

“I’m sorry…have we met?”

“You know who I am asshole…don’t be so smug” (Kanae)

“I’m sorry…I wasn’t being smug…I just don’t really do well with that kind of greeting this early in the morning”

“I want you to get your shit and get out of here…there is no reason for you to be here you faggot” (Kanae)

“Ok…that is the second worse greeting I could get in the morning so now you are working on pissing me off”

“Good…so get the hell out of here” (Kanae)

“I have to tell you…I was invited here by Diane and the family…I knew you were going to be here and I made it a point to stay out of the way…to give you the chance to be with his family right now…but listen carefully…I am not going anywhere…so deal with it…get over it…and stay away”

“I was his wife…and I am the mother of his child and if I say get out…you get out” (Kanae)

“Well…last time I checked…this is his family’s property, so I am not sure you really have much say”

“I was his wife…what was his is mine so get out of here” (Kanae)

“You may have been his wife…but check the fucking trust and will…bitch…you are not, and I repeat, Not going to tell me what the fuck to do so get your face out of mine and leave me alone”

“You son of a bitch…you fucking faggot…it is your fault…all of this…you are the reason…you ruined his life…you ruined our life…you fuck….” (Kanae)

“K A N A E” …. A scream that came from the sidewalk near where Kanae and I were having our confrontation…I looked over and it was Diane. She had stopped Kanae dead in her tracks…mid-sentence…and Kanae shut right up and looked over towards Di,, and then at me. Kanae was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was a guest of the family and that if she wanted to remain there that morning, she would be quiet and go back in to tend to the guests and staff that had gathered. Kanae looked at me…then back at Diane…and then back at me again…she mumbled something like “it wasn’t over” and she stormed off back into the tasting room. Within minutes we saw her leaving with her purse…getting in the passenger side of a vehicle and being driven off. Diane placed the palm of her hand against my cheek and just looked at me for a minute…

“Dear, I am so, so sorry you had to endure that” (Diane)

“It’s all good…I was semi-prepared, and I figured it was coming”

“Those horrible names…her language…she has no class or respect” (Diane)

“Yeah well…she is who she is…funny…that was my first actual conversation with her”

“Well dear, somehow I don’t think it was your last” (Diane)

“It kind of sucks to think she is Kar’s mother…now I feel bad for him”

“Don’t you worry about Hikari…he will be fine” (Diane)

I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but I was happy she was aware. I also appreciated her taking Kanae on like that. She had told me she heard pretty much the whole conversation and stayed in the background to see how I would react…Apparently, I was holding my own…that is until Kanae decided to start dropping the faggot comments. I chuckle now as I remember having a conversation with myself at that moment…

“Self…time for another Bloody Mary…or a trip to the bar…what time does it open?”

I grabbed my plate and glass and wandered back into the tasting room. All conversation ceased when I walked in…I stood there for a second and then told everyone all was well and the chatter started up again. Clearly everyone knew…or could hear, what was going on outside so no sense in pretending nothing happened. I wandered over and made myself another bloody Mary and was approached by Chris, Corey, and Nolan. Not sure where Rob was…bastard likely snuck back upstairs to take a nap…Chris said that he was going to sit down with Diane in a minute and asked if I wanted to join to which I nodded in agreement. Corey, Nolan, and Rob were going to head into town to grab some supplies and food for the apartment and then would meet us at the dive bar. I wasn’t sure I was looking forward to going in there, but I had an urgent desire to get away from the winery. I sent Rob a quick text and asked him to take scooter out before they left…without telling me he was upstairs napping he replied by saying he would…later I would bust him on that whole nap thing…

* * * *

Chris and I wandered into the office where we found Diane, Jenny, and Heidi. Megan and Melissa had gone to Diane’s to rest and take care of some things at the house. Chris, Diane, and I talked about what to do and who to contact in terms of setting up a service and gathering. Clearly, she had some ideas, but it seemed she was taking great care to include us in her thought process. I remember being back in that numb space…I knew they were talking but I felt like I was outside my body and just watching…I can’t even really remember the details of that conversation except to say it sounded like a business meeting…I had waged through about 20 minutes of it, with no clear detail, when I suddenly just blurted out…

“I want to see him”

“What?” (Chris)

“I need you to take me to him…I need to see him”

“Honey…I am not sure that is a good idea” (Diane)

“Bud…he is at the funeral home…I don’t think they will let you…” (Chris)

“Don’t say that…I want to see him…there would be no reason they would say no right”

“Matt, I will tell you that you can go see him…I will make arrangements for that…but you want to wait…trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to see him right now” (Diane)

“I don’t want to wait…I have to see him…I have to see him this way…I need to see what he’s done”

“Bud…you do not want to do it this way…please listen to us” (Chris)

“I appreciate you trying to protect me…but I know, well enough, that I need to do this…there are things I need to tell him…I need…I need to see him…just make the call…please”

“Ok…ok…I will make the call…promise me you will take someone with you” (Diane)

“I will go with him” (Chris)

Diane got up and did the palm on my cheek thing…grabbed her cell phone and then walked out of the office. I could tell Chris was blown away…and I was too. Where did that come from…what was I thinking and why was it so important to me? I had no clue…I just remember feeling that it was something I absolutely HAD to do. We got up and I went outside to have a smoke. I was gonna have to stop and get more at this rate…I had smoked more in the previous 36 hours than I had in the 2 weeks before that…scary considering 15 hours of it was spent in the car (I didn’t smoke in the car).

Before I knew it, Chris came out, keys in hand, and we were on our way to the funeral home. We arrived and sat in the parking lot for several minutes…Chris repeatedly asked me if I really wanted to do it…I found myself getting a little irritated and kept having to remind myself he was just trying to protect me…none the less…I was doing it. We went in through the back-service entrance where we were met by an older gentleman. I had recognized Mr. Hughes from when Dave’s services were held. He was genuinely nice and polite…almost professorial in his approach and demeanor. He took my hand to shake it and used his other to pat me on the back gently. He then took about 5 minutes to question whether or not I was sure that it was something I wanted to do…I was really getting tired of people asking me that…I knew it was my exhaustion and grief that was making me lean to the impatient side…but clearly these people know I am a grown-ass man and am capable of making my own decision…right? Once he realized I was not wavering from my request Mr. Hughes took a few minutes to tell me some things…I realized, at that point, Chris left the room. I remembered he had been in this spot…not by choice…but he had seen a more graphic version of what I was about to see…so who could blame him for not wanting to do it again I suspected….

“Mr. Lawrence…if you will just take a moment to listen…what I am about to tell you may or may not help with what you are going to experience. We will be going into a room we call the embalming room…We tell our clients that it is called the holding room but, in reality, it will remind you of an operating room in a hospital. This is where we literally clean and prepare the remains. It is not a place where families or loved ones generally visit. It is not a place that is designed for viewing nor identification of the remains. You will experience a couple of things once you enter…the first will be a smell. The combination of cleaners and fluids used to preserve the remains creates a rather pungent odor. Our technicians generally wear surgical masks but that really does not help…it is more of a placebo.

“The process of preparing the remains for viewing is rather complex and, while I won’t go into any detail about the specifics, I will tell you it is much like autopsies you may have seen on any of those crime shows on television…but more graphic obviously. As I explained to Diane, we have not started the process with Michael as we have a couple of other services and preparations going on at the moment so we will not be able to start until a little later this afternoon.” “To that end, I will tell you that the sight…well his remains…it is not pretty for lack of a better description. There has been some severe damage because of the gunshot wound and there will be some significant reconstruction work that will need to be completed. While he has been somewhat cleaned up, there are many things about his remains that have not been addressed yet, so I ask, again, that you be sure this is something you want to do? It is not an easy thing to see…in fact probably one of the worst things you will see in an entire lifetime.” I nodded an affirmative and Mr. Hughes continued…

“Next you will notice temperature in the room. Obviously, we must maintain a cold temperature to help with preservation. I have done what I could to prepare the room so as to not have you see any organics. There is a restroom inside the holding room if you feel the need to utilize it. Almost everyone who comes in here, generally on the first time, will become nauseous and need to use the restroom. It is generally due to the odor but, in your case, you are probably not at all prepared for what you are going to experience…no judgement here…just know it may happen.”

I hope I have helped in preparing you…do you have any questions or need any more information from me? (Mr. Hughes)

“Will I be alone?

“I would be happy to stay in the room with you…in fact, I think I will do that just because” (Mr. Hughes)

“Ok…I think I am ready…as ready as I will ever be” …wait a sec…would it be ok if I step outside just for a quick minute?”

“Sure” (Mr. Hughes)