The Prayers in Rossford

Acquainted with sorrow

Part Two

“Hey,” Brian shouted in the direction of the departing Keith, “Are you off to the church?”

“Yeah,” said the priest. “Everything’s pretty much ready. Dan must be opening the church about now. I’m just gonna walk on over.”

“Don’t do that,” Brian smiled. He was pulling on his greatcoat. “I’m playing organ. I’ve gotta be there in about ten minutes. Just ride with me.”

“Great.”

“Merry Christmas, guys!” Fenn called out as they were leaving, but Keith McDonald smirked and said, “What are you Merry Christmassing for?”

“Yeah,” Brian said with a grin, “Sounds like someone’s thinking of going to bed.”

“You better be at church in an hour.” Keith said.

“Yes, Father,” Fenn put his hands together and bowed. “I’ll be there with bells on.”

Outside in the car, Brian said, “I’m sorry it’s so cold. I wonder if you wouldn’t be warmer walking.”

“I doubt it, Brian,” Keith said.

We’ll have some heat on in just a moment.”

Brian pulled out of the driveway, and they went up Versailles.

“So, how did that whole thing we were talking about work out?” Keith said.

“What thing?”

“Don’t be coy.”

“Oh!” And then Brian laughed. “No, I wasn’t being coy. I was just being forgetful. No… It, uh… We’re going to make a go of it.”

“I think that’s good, Brian.”

“Were you asking as a priest or a friend?”

“As a friendly priest,” Keith said. And then he said, “No… As a friend. I’m happy for you.”

“Cars are moving so slowly,” Brian said as they reached the corner, and he watched for traffic. “That’s the good thing about snowy weather.

“You know, I’m not sure if I ever loved anyone. Or anyone really loved me. I’m, thirty-five, almost thirty-six, and I’ve never been loved. I never even knew what it was until now. And it’s scary, you know?” Brian said, turning the car slowly. “God, it’s beautiful out here. It’s like the snow makes everything brighter.”

“Yeah. It looks like a movie set. It looks perfect. Snow does something,” Keith said.

There were very few cars on the road. Up the street rainbow light came through the stain glass of Saint Barbara’s, and a few cars were slowly rolling to the parking lot.

“This,” Keith said, “really is me asking as a friend, and not a priest: What the heck happened between you and Paul’s sister?”

“I told Fenn about Chad, and Claire heard and she thinks I’m awful. She thinks I’m going to do something horrible because… I am sort of awful, and I have done horrible things and Chad’s young and she’s afraid I’ll do something to… Well, that’s why.”

“You should say you were horrible,” Keith said, “Not, you are horrible. The past is the past. You can only start all over again.”

Brian smiled with a little sarcasm.

“That sounds really nice. We’re here, Keith.”

Keith didn’t move, and when Brian noticed this, he took his hand from the handle of the door, and said, “Keith?”

“Brian, we both have to move on past what we were,” Keith said, suddenly.

“Whaddo you—?”

“We have both done terrible things. We both… think the past is over before it is. And we both have suffered… Have made other people suffer. From our uncontrollable urges.”

“Whaddo you mean?” Brian said. “You can tell me.” Then he added, “As a friend.”

“Not at the moment,” Keith said. “Right now it’s just enough for you to know. Know that I have things in my past just as regrettable. All right?”

“But you’re such a good man.”

“I’m just a man,” Keith said. “Who really tries to be good. And gets it right sometime. I’d like to think a lot of the time. Just like you.

“But tonight I… I came up to someone, and me, a priest of the Church, threatened him. I told him I would kill him if he ever told my secret. I told him that. That’s why I left the party.”

Brian opened his mouth, and then he said, “Was it Noah? Was it Noah Riley you talked to?”

Keith nodded.

“I…” Brian said. “I think you need to tell me, cause you need to tell someone the truth.”

Then Brian said. “Maybe I’m overstepping after all. Maybe I really don’t know better. Maybe I’m wrong.”

“No,” Keith said. “I know Noah and Paul because I used to do movies. I did them while I was still in seminary. The last one was only a couple of years ago, Brian. That’s the secret.”

Dan Malloy was glad when he saw Keith and Brian coming into the church from the side transel.

“Music and help!” he cried, smiling brightly and sticking his hands in his wide, white sleeves. “Folks are here, early, Brian. You better get some Silent Night going or something.

Above them, Jamie Netteson was singing, acapella.

I wonder as a wander out under the sky
How Jesus my savior should come forth to die
For poor ornery sinners like you and like I?

“She’s really something,” Keith said, looking up into the choir loft.

Dan nodded. “I opened the place up sooner than I thought I would,” he told Keith as Brian headed toward the choir loft. “Jamie said she’d just sing a few things. You all right? You look strange?”

“I’m fine, Dan,” Keith said.

Dan Malloy looked as if he were not completely convinced of this, but said, “Well, I suggest you put your vestments on, young man. We’re going to have a lot of folks to greet soon. Ooh, look, the Coltranes!” Dan liked people, and he acted as if all of his parishioners entering through the front and side doors of the old brick church were glossy Christmas presents especially for him. But before he headed off he said, “If you need to talk, Keith…”

“I’m fine,” Keith said.

“I mean, Christmas brings up lots of feelings is all. How was Fenn’s party?”

“As far as I know it’s still going on.”

“Well, it better not go on for too much longer because half the parish is over there, and I want a good turn out for this midnight mass.”

“You ever wonder,” Keith began, “why it’s at midnight?”

Before Dan could answer, Keith headed in the direction of the sacristy. Dan folded his hands together and was quiet. Then he sighed, and headed for the great doors of the church.

“Should I wear this? Or this?” Fenn held the dusky blue shirt up to the mirror, and then the deep red one.

“You should let me wear this,” Todd said, taking the dusky blue one and walking across the room. “Which means you can wear the red one.

“You know this is my favorite color.”

“How do you know—?” Fenn said, placing the shirt on over his undershirt, “that you don’t have one under the tree?”

“Do I?” Todd turned around, raising a suspicious eyebrow while, shirt open, he sprayed cologne on his throat.

Leaving the bedroom, Fenn said, “Actually… No.”

Down in the living room he said, “Good Christian people, it’s time to get the hell out of here, we’re off to midnight mass. If you’re heathens you still need to get the hell out cause we’re leaving. Anyone who wants to ride with us, put your hand up. No, Layla, put your hand down, I knew that.”

Leaning over the banister, Fenn stared hard and said into the small crowd of friends, “Brendan. Kenneth. Come here.”

Brendan and Kenny came forward while the others began to prepare to leave.

“You guys are… matching.”

“The scarves were Kenny’s idea.”

Kenny grinned and said, “Bren got the sweaters. You like?”

Fenn scowled, then heading back upstairs said, “It looks really gay.”

“But…” Kenny began, though Fenn was gone. “We… are…”

And Brendan finished off, “And… so are you!”

Tom looked behind him and said, “Brendan. Kenny.”

“Hey, Mr. Mesda!”

“You all are… Look at that, Lee! Under their coats. They’re matching. We could do that.”

Lee frowned and said, “No we couldn’t. Boys, I’ve never seen the two of you looking so—”

“Please don’t tell us we look gay,” Brendan begged.

Lee closed his mouth and said, “Well, if you already know, no need to state the obvious.”

A moment later he said, dismally:

“We should have gone in through the side doors. Or at least come earlier. All this damn snow falling, and here we are in a queue for the church.”

Nothing could upset Tom now, and Dylan was close to his chest, only his nose showing from the swaddling blankets.

“Dan’s just a talker. Wants to greet everyone who comes into the church.”

“Lee’s got a point,” Danasia said. “He needs to hurry the fuck up.”

“We’re coming into a church!” Tom reprimanded her.

“Excuse me, I meant the hell up.”

“Much better,” Lee said. “Here Tom, you’ve got snow in your hair.”

“I couldn’t feel it,” Tom said, shaking his thick dark hair.

“Let me.”

Tom was still while Lee leaned forward and brushed the snow tenderly away.

“Now see, that’s sweet,” James said beside Noah.

Noah, who realized he looked a little like Tom, wondered if James looked a little like Lee, and for a moment he imagined James doing the same thing for him. He said:

“It’s something you would do.”

“Yeah,” James said. “And not having the sense to wear a hat is something you would do.”

As they entered the church and Dan greeted them, Keith, beside him, stopped. He looked at Noah and Noah wondered what the priest could possibly be thinking. The politic thing to do would have been pretend nothing had happened earlier. Instead he said, “Noah, could I talk to you a moment? Please?”

Dan turned from Lee, Tom and Naomi, looking concerned.

“Yeah,” Noah said. “James. I’ll be… a minute. All right?”

James nodded and Dan said, “I’ll just keep on meeting and greeting.”

“Actually,” Danasia spoke up, “you coud meet and greet us after mass or in the church. It’s cold as… as something I’m not allowed to say in church, out here.”

Dan opened his mouth, closed it and said, “Uh… yes. You’ve got a point.”

Then he moved from the doors and a sigh came from a number of relieved people as the church doors cleared.

“She really is your daughter, Lee,” Dan said, lifting up Tom’s baby in surprise.

Lee only said of the skinny girl in glasses, “You better believe she is.”

“You’re right, Noah. You’re exactly right. I’m just who you thought I was,” Keith said.

“But this… The robes, the…being a priest, that’s who I always wanted to be. I mean, I always, always knew I should be a priest.”

Noah stood there, waiting for Keith to continue.

“You want to say something.”

“Last time I so much as thought of saying something, you threatened to kill me.” Noah smiled, “Do the robes make you nicer? Or is it being in the church?”

Keith didn’t answer

I mean, you say you knew you were always meant to be… this? Did you know when you were fucking me? Or getting fucked by Paul?”

“Noah… I thought… I wanted to apologize. I wanted to explain who I was. I’ve never had to explain it before.”

“Uh, Father Keith or… whoever you are, you have to know something. I think religion is bullshit, and if God is real he never did a fucking thing for me. You have to understand that. And knowing I’ve had sex with a priest who does porn, and who just went ape shit on me a few minutes ago pretty much confirms how I always felt.”

“Noah, please,” Keith reached for him.

“No,” Noah said. Then he said in a softer voice: “No.”

Keith opened his mouth and Noah said, walking out of the room, “Merry Christmas.”

The lights dimmed in the church. Beside Noah, James said, “Are you all right? You look really…?”

Noah looked at him, expressionless.

“Pissed off,” Noah concluded.

“Damnit Noah,” the voice of Barb Affren came from behind him. “Church is no place to be using swear words.”

“But, you…” Noah began.

As the last light went off in Saint Barbara’s, from the back of the church came soft singing.

O, come O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
Who mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear

The shuffling of feet, the dim light of candles reflecting golden on, what emerged partially from the darkness, the white robes of the choir.

Rejoice!
Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee oh, Israel!

Processing slowly up the main aisle, dividing in two, slowly circling the church, filling it with the light of the candles they carried, voices deep as the earth, echoing softly from the walls, from the arcades, with no music behind they chanted:

Oh come, thou Wisdom from on high
Who orders all things far and nigh
To us the path of knowledge show
And teach us in her ways to go
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel, shall come to thee, oh Israel

It was crowded in the cold and darkened vestibule. Paul and Kirk stomped off their feet.

“Welcome!” Dan came up to them, in a cheerful whisper. “We’re about to start after this. I thought you guys would be over at Saint Aggie’s.”

“I have to be there tomorrow with my family for morning mass anyway,” Kirk said, “And… I like this place.”

“And it likes you,” Dan said, cheerily. Then he added, “Well, that was sort of cheesy wasn’t it? Go in there and find a seat unless you want to come in after the procession. But,” Dan waved a hand in the direction of what Paul made out to be boys in surplices, carrying lanterns, “it’s going to be a long procession.”

Paul nodded, and taking Kirk by the hand, pushed open the doors to the sanctuary.

He gasped. It was filled with gold brown light, shining from the walls, and at the end of the nave was the stable with its slanted roof. You could just see the light over the stable shining on the open hands of Mary as, from the loft, the choir sang:

Oh, come desire of nations bind
In one the hearts of all mankind

People in the church had begun singing along, in low voices, a small undertone. They couldn’t help themselves. Kirk’s mouth moved with the song.

Oh, bid our sad divisions cease
and be for us our Prince of Peace
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emannuel!
Shall come to thee, oh, Israel!

When the singing hushed, in the vestibule Dan put a finger to his lips and held his hand up, to indicate, wait. Just then the church doors opened slowly and a cold gust of wind came through.

“Fenn, you should be in the church!”

Fenn and Todd stood there in the dark and Fenn said, “I know. I just wanted to look at you in your duds and say Merry Christmas. You know, before things started.”

Beside him, Todd held out an awkward hand to Keith, “Merry Christmas,” he said to the new priest.

Dan looked at Fenn, pleased, and then threw his arms around him quickly and said, “Merry Christmas, Fenn!”

He parted from him, then said, “Now get in the church.”

As Fenn pulled Todd with him, the organ music began above, and on the other side of the doors, Dan Malloy saw lights go up, and then, as ushers opened the door for he and Keith, the congregation rose up to sing:

The first Noel, the angels did say
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields
where they lay!