The Prayers in Rossford

Rules of love

They had driven up from Rummelsville to Madison. The trip took two days and in the passenger’s seat Noah said, “It looked so much smaller on the map. Who knew it would take this long?”

James had surprised Noah by packing up everything in his apartment.

“We’re going back to Rossford,” he told him.

“Really?”

“You’ve followed me, and now I’m following you.”

“I don’t understand,” Noah stood in James’ living room with a box in his hands. “What are we up to? You and me?”

“I asked you that same question, Noah. And you said you didn’t know, and I don’t know either. So we’ll both just have to be okay with that.”

And then Noah smiled and realized he was.

“You know what?” he said that afternoon when they were on their way south.

Because James said nothing, Noah continued, “I want to be in Rossford for Ash Wednesday. I want to go to church on Ash Wednesday.”

“Do you know when it is?”

Noah confessed that he did not.

“Before we get to Rossford, I want to stop and see my brother,” James told Noah.

And so that was where they were, right now, where James was telling his brother, “I don’t like the way you look at him.”

“You always loved him,” Ron said. “I don’t know how you thought you hid that, but you could never stay away from Noah, and he was always trashy. Always no good. And when you found out how no good he was… it didn’t stop you. You just ran after him. You can’t stay away from him.”

While Ron was talking, his finger was running over the mouse pad of his silver laptop.

“Look at this? Com’on. Take a good look.”

He pushed the laptop toward his brother.

“I don’t need to see that,” James said, his face frowning.

“I think you do. You know what it is, don’t you?”

James said: “Yes, it’s the past.”

“It’s the present. It’s what you saw. Didn’t you go to… where do they do those movies?”

James said nothing, and when this nothing had gone on long enough, his brother pronounced, annunciating each syllable: “Port-Ridge.”

“I’m tired of this. I just came to say goodbye.”

“James Lewis, you are stranger and stranger. You never were anything. Didn’t like girls, don’t remember you liking boys. Just… living for this one. And now, what? He sleeps next to you, in the bed with you? And that’s it? And let’s just look at this, I mean let’s look at some of these:”

Ron read: “Noah fucks Johnny. Noah fucks Rod, Noah fucks Burt. And then Burt Fucks Noah, Todd fucks Noah. And Flash—there’s a Flash—fucks Noah. A few threesomes in here and, to his credit, something called Fuckfest, Fuckfest One and Fuckfest Three.”

“Close it,” James rose up. “Or close your mouth.”

“I’m just saying,” Ron’s tone grew harsher, “if you’re going to be gay, fine. If you’re going to bring home a white guy… Shit, it hardly matters. But how can you love someone who’s been fucked by and is fucking everybody but you?”

“I’m walking out now. I’m getting Noah, and we’re walking out.”

Ron said in a low, frantic voice, “Jamie, he’s trash.”

James made it to the door, and was startled to see, past the lentil, hidden by the wall, Noah.

“Noah.”

“Let’s go,” Noah said.

“Why are you…?” James began, “just standing there? Listening?”

Ron came out. The look on his face was hard to understand. He seemed almost, but not entirely, embarrassed.

Noah screwed up everything in him. There were lots of things he did, but he didn’t make great speeches. He said:

“I’m not trash, Ron!”And then he repeated: “I’m not trash,” and headed out the door, down the porch and into the car.

All the ground was bare and dusted with grey snow. The world was grey. Spring would be good. Noah sat in the passenger’s seat, silent.

“You wanna go back to your mom’s house, or you wanna go back to Rossford?”

“Rossford,” Noah said. “The apartment. I hate all of this.”He stared out the window. “I hate the country.”

James spared Noah a glance, and put his hand to the boy’s curly hair. He stroked Noah’s shoulders and arms with his free hand, and at last placed his hand over Noah’s, which was a big deal, because James Lewis was paranoid about one handed driving.

“Don’t go away from me,” he said. “Don’t retreat into that rage and go to that place I can’t get you, all right? Don’t leave me, Noah.”

Noah, still angry, still hurt, nodded as they passed the fields, past the sign that said East Carmel 5 Miles.

“I can’t leave you,” he said. “I never could.”

I was glad when they said unto me
Let us go to the house of the Lord!
Our feet shall stand within thy gates, O Jerusalem.
Jerusalem is builded as a city that is compact together…

Brian, who had been singing along, stopped with a yelp when he turned and saw Chad, who was smiling, not unkindly.

Brian reached for the remote control and turned the choir down.

“You weren’t supposed to hear me yelping along,” Brian said as he approached Chad, catching him by the shoulders.

“In truth, I couldn’t even hear you helping along. But your neighbors might not care for your… devotion.”

“Good point,” Brian said. “King’s College Choir.”

Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within
Thy palaces
For, my brethren and companions’ sakes,
I will now say, Peace be within thee…

“I was thinking I could do an arrangement like this for Sunday Mass, or even a school mass.”

Brian stopped.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Ghost, as it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be, world without end
Amen!

Chad sensed that he should be quiet for the Doxology as well and then, grinning, said, “You want to teach our choir to sound like that?”

Brian’s face broke into a smile as they went to the sofa.“We can get as close to it as possible.”He shrugged. “And then I just like it. I was looking for Handel’s Messiah, at the public library one day, a few years back, and this… larger fellow was sitting square in front of the music section. I said, excuse me, but he didn’t understand that this meant he should move his chair. Anyway, on my knees, scrabbling for Handel, I found this CD.”

The choir’s voice rose:

There, go the ships: there is that Leviathan, whom
Thou hast made to play therein.
These wait all upon thee; that thou mayest give them
Their meat in due season…

Brian’s lips moved along and Chad said, “You know what? I really love you right now.”

The only term for the look on Brian’s face that Chad could conceive was “fresh”, maybe happy.

“Because I’m a freak.”

“No,” Chad said. “No, that’s not what I was thinking.”

They sat on the sofa, linking fingers, happy with each other, needing not to say anything.

“I did have something to tell you,” Chad said. “I forgot.”

Brian looked to Chad.

“I got accepted to Randolph.”

Brian’s eyes lit up, but he said, “I knew you would. Do you want it?”

“It’s the one I want the most.”

“We should celebrate.”

Chad grinned at him fiercely and said, “Right now?”

“I don’t mean like that,” Brian’s face went red. “That’s… common coin for us.”

“I like our common coin.”

“I like it too,” Brian said. “I like it a lot. But, we’re going to do something really special. What do you want to do?”

“I…”Chad pursed his lips. “I haven’t really thought of it.”

“Well, think of it,” Brian said.

“Brian?”

“Um hum.”

“What about us? If I go away, what happens to us?”

“Don’t worry about us.”

Chad reached for the remote control and put the stereo on mute as the choir demanded:

Who is the king of glory?—

“What?” Brian said.

“Do you love me?”

Brian’s face looked frightened and troubled.

“How could you doubt that, Chad?”

“Because… you’re going to just let me go off to Randolph.”

Brian shook his head grimly.

“When I was younger, and… selfish, I would have done anything to keep someone close to me. I want what’s best for you, all right? I will… drive two and a half hours back and forth every weekend if I have to, but you will go to the best place, all right?”

Chad nodded.

Brian touched his cheek.

“And nothing’s going keep us apart, so don’t you worry. All right?”

Chad nodded again and, feeling strangely emotional, he managed to say: “All right.”

To her son’s surprise, Naomi jumped up and clapped her hands when Noah entered the apartment, followed by James.

“It’s just me, Ma.”

Naomi tottered across the room and clasped his face. “It’s my Noah.”And then she came to James and said, “It’s my James.”

“James is going to stay here, Mom.”

“Well, that’s good,” Naomi said. “With Paul talking about leaving and all.”

“Is he still talking about that?”

Naomi nodded.

“And he’s never here. It’s just me here in this place, all by myself.”

“Well,” James said, “now we’re back.”

“Now you are,” Naomi agreed. “But I was thinking…”

“What?” Noah said. “I can’t guess what you’re thinking, Ma.”

“That you and James might want some,” she winked at both of them, “quiet time.

“Now don’t blush,” she said. “You of all people shouldn’t blush, and James can’t blush. Goddamn, I’m so glad you’re back. I need some champagne. I need a cigarette.”

James just looked at Naomi, and Noah, shook his head: “You know Mom.”

“And there is another thing,” Naomi said. “If James is going to stay here, then I think I should start thinking about going back to Rummelsville.”

“Are you nuts?” Noah said.

“Well you went back.”

“Yeah,” Noah allowed.

“And you hated that place.”

“Ma,” Noah sat her down. “You came to me, crying, about how someone wanted to kill you. James came looking for you—”

“He was looking for you, baby. Weren’t you?” Naomi looked up at James.

“Well, yes,” James began.

“But he was also checking on you,” Noah said. “Because you had called him. Because you were afraid.”

“I’m going back to Rummelsville, and that’s all there is to it.”

Noah shook his head.

“Well, just tell me? Are you and James going to try to make something together?”

“Naomi, we don’t even know what we are right now.”

Naomi shrugged at James.

“Maybe,” she said. “But how can you become it if an old lady’s hanging around?”

“Hardly an old lady,” Noah said.

There was a knock at the door, but before anyone could go to answer it, Danasia walked in, started to say, “What’s uh—”and then shouted and ran to Noah. She tugged on James’s cheek.

“You learn that from Naomi?” James asked her.

Danasia shrugged. “She’s a bad influence.”

“Guilty as charged,” Naomi agreed.

“Mom’s talking about leaving.”

“What!”Danasia shouted. “You can’t go. We have work. We work together, bitch.”

“This was Noah and Paul’s place,” Naomi said. “With you and me and Kirk showing up here half the time. Who can have a real life here? And Noah and James are about to try to have a real life.”

Danasia looked from James to Noah.

“Is that right?”

With a guilty look, James said, “Kind of.”

Noah said, “It is true.”

“Oh,” Danasia put her hands together, “and three makes a crowd when two are bumpin’ and grinding.”

“You’re so eloquent,” James said.

“It’s crude for you,” she told him. “But Nay and Noah feel me, don’t yawl?”

Noah smiled and said, “We keep it real in Rummelsville.”

“Okay, well, here’s what we do tonight,” Danasia said. “Naomi can clear out and stay with me at Lee and Tom’s. I don’t know how the hell Tom lived there by himself. It’s big as fuck.”

Naomi nodded, and then said, “Well, what about all the other nights after this one?”

Danasia looked at Naomi in something approaching disgust.

“What?”

“You can move in with me, bitch,” she said. “We can get an apartment. Or is that too much for you to stand?”

“I could—”Naomi began. “I could stand that!”

“Good,” Danasia looked pleased. “Then we can get our apartment hunting on. And you too,” she pointed to James and Noah, “can get your grind on.”

James groaned, but Noah just said to him, “You never really get used to her, you know?”