The Prayers in Rossford

When Fenn Houghton arrived, Barb Affren, Bill and Nell were at the front of the church with Keith McDonald.

“We’re going to miss him,” Barbara was saying.

“I wish I’d gotten to know you better,” Bill said. “But you did a lot for my mother that I couldn’t. I’ll always be grateful for that.”

Fenn looked from Nell to Bill and stroked his chin.

“Oh, what!”Nell said.

“Nothing,” Fenn said in a low voice, and looking at her again, walked across the church toward the sanctuary.

“Bishop Lord!”

“Fenn Houghton!”

“I wondered if you had forgotten,” Fenn said.

“How could I forget the thirteen year old boy who, at his confirmation said—and I quote, Daniel—’Slap me and I’ll slap you back.’”

“Fenn!”

“I heard that they slapped you,” Fenn shrugged.

“And then he followed it up by adopting the confirmation name Crysoganus Climaticus.”

“I’m glad you could be here,” Keith said. “And what’s a better time than today? He clapped Fenn on the back which, usually, Fenn hated.

When Keith had headed to the sacristy, Fenn murmured: “Bishop?”

“Yes, Fenn?”

“This rite, the temporary release from vows?”

“Yes?”

Fenn said, baldly, “Is it for real?”

“Oh, Fenn,” the bishop said, grinning into his stole, “It is today.”

Before the fruit is ripened by the sun,

Before the petals of the leaves uncoil,

Before the first fine silken root is spun

A seed is dropped and buried in the soil

Before the Easter alleluias ring,

Before the massive rock is rolled aside,

Before the fear of death has lost its sting,

A just and loving man is crucified

Dan crossed the sanctuary in purple robes, holding the brass dish filled with the remaining hosts as the last of the congregation went back to their pews. Above, Mark Turner was singing. He was a good kid. Keith hoped he never had trouble like this, never had a life like his. He hoped no one ever had darkness like he had been through. But it was going to go away now. It was almost gone. He felt lighter already.

Before we gain the grace that comes through loss,

Before we live by more than bread and breath,

Before we lift in joy an empty cross,

We face with Christ the seeds renewing death.

“Kill me, oh God. End this me. I am ready to lose this,” Keith prayed as he sorted out the brass dishes on the tray with its white cloth, and traced a cross over them. As Donald Nickerson and Rose Jackson brought him the white veil, and they followed him to the tabernacle, he put away the Eucharist, and closed the little doors. The church was quiet now, after the organ, with everyone kneeling, everyone waiting. Keith crossed himself, and then he breathed. He went back to his chair beside Dan, and Dan looked at him briefly, before straightening his purple stole and rising.

Brian Babcock came down the steps from the choir loft followed by Mark, and at the church doors stood a pretty Indian girl and a young man: Brian’s Chad. Brian waved to Keith, who was turning down the lights, and Keith came down the arcade, past Saint Barbara’s grotto, to the front of the church.

“I want you guys to meet Father Keith.”

“Really, you can just call me, Keith.”He shook both of their hands.

“This is Chad,” Brian said, proudly, touching Chad’s shoulder.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Chad shook his hand. “I’m not really religious, but I hear you’re a really good priest.”

“Chad’s more spiritual than religious,” Brian said, but Chad said, “Actually I’m not spiritual or religious. I’m just Chad.”

“This is—” Mark began.

“I’m Radha,” the girl said, needing no introduction. “This town is too small. I’ve heard a lot about you already, Father.”

Her look was so merry, and so conspiratorial, that Keith looked alarmed and then Radha said, “No. I mean good things. All of it good.”And Keith took a breath and forced out a laugh.

“Have any of you seen Noah Riley?” Keith asked.

“Noah,” Radha said. “He was here?”

“I saw him here,” Keith said.

“I did too,” Brian confirmed. “And I was surprised, but he’s gone now.”

“Oh, Well,” Keith said with a frown, “I was hoping to talk to him before I left.”

“You’re going away?” Mark said.

“Yes.”

“But you’re coming back?” : This from Brian.

Keith thought of saying, “I hope so”, or “God willing.”Both statements were honest, but somehow not truthful, too melodramatic. So he said, “Of course.”

When they were gone, Keith went back to the altar. He turned out all of the lights till only the votives were burning. These black pants and tie and white collar held him in, made him a priest. He felt like a priest, not like the person he couldn’t control. Maybe if he always wore them… But he couldn’t sleep in them. Or jog. Or live. Best to live without them for a while and see what happened.

There was a section between the tabernacle and the wall of the sacristy where he could kneel and pray. God was there. He placed his hands against the brass of the tabernacle worked with sheaves of wheat and clutches of grapes.

“Lord, I’m going to leave you for a time. I’m going to sin. I’m going to let myself sin and sin until it’s all out of me. I’m going to make a wreck of myself. I can’t keep promising to be someone it’s killing me to be. So, I’m just going to be the me I am and trust you will forgive me. Turn your head. How many times have you not turned your head and seen me do things that shame you, that shame me? Turn your head this time and forget about me. The way I forget about you. These feelings come up in me and make it easy to push you away. So just push me away until I’m finished with them, until they’ve played out. I’m not like Saint Augustine. I’m not saying, Lord make me holy but not right now. I asked and I asked for you to make me holy and to do it right away so that I wouldn’t slip. But I keep slipping. I can’t stop this need. This… need. So, I’m going to give into it and give into it until I work through it. Like a flu. Or like a cold. I don’t know what else to do. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid to leave you. I’m afraid to lose myself. But I’m glad too. Because I need to be free. My body needs it. I need it. Forgive me, God.

Amen.

“Noah,” Paul said when they were in the vestibule of Saint Barbara’s.

“Um hum.”

“About today. You know, at the theatre.”

Noah looked at Paul closely.

“I mean what I said. I… I don’t mean to sound judgmental. I don’t mean to sound… prickish.”

“Oh,” Noah waved it off. “I wasn’t really thinking about it anymore. I know. You’re just… you.”

“Look, you’re the only one who knows. I mean, the only one I can talk to who knows what it was like, what we did. Everyone is going to be like, oh no. that’s terrible. Or ooh, I bet that was really cool. But you know, and so… I need you to know how I feel now. I guess.”

“Paul, I know how you feel,” Noah said. “All right? Just… you’ve really changed. You’ve changed more than me. But you were always better than me.”

“No, you know that’s not it,” Paul said. “It’s just I had this dream. I mean, I have this dream of a life way different from what I had. Where I have the good boyfriend and maybe even the kids. And I’m respectable. To respectable people. And I don’t ever want to think about any of the stuff before or—God forbid—the ways I survived before I made movies.”

“But didn’t you do it because it turned you on?” Noah said. “At least a little?”

“Yes,” Paul said. “Or it turned me on to turn into someone else. I don’t know. That doesn’t turn me on anymore. I can’t go back to—I don’t want anything like that. Ever.”

“Well, I do.”

“I know. You’re an excitement addict. You need to keep it wild and crazy. That’s what I like about you, Noah.”

“And I was afraid that there was no way I could find someone who would love me if I stayed wild and crazy. Or that I could love in a wild and crazy way. That’s what it’s like for poor old Keith I bet. Wants to be this good priest, but there’s that other part of him that can’t cool it. Can’t be tame. So he’s torn up. I can’t be tame. And I can’t be torn up over James. I can’t be wanting to go to all of these places he can’t come. That would just kill us. I was afraid James would need me to be what… you need to be. Settled down and making love. He doesn’t. He wants me wild. And I love that.”

The sky was purple grey, and the snow dim when Fenn came back from Saint Barbara’s with Paul, Kirk and Noah. Behind Todd’s Land Rover another car was parked and Paul frowned, and said, “I guess I’ll just park the Jeep on the street.”

“So we can climb over that hump of snow? Fuck that. We’ll go in the driveway right behind whoever the hell this is.”

Climbing out of the Jeep, Fenn muttered, “Damn, Todd, you could have done this driveway a little better.”

Melanie, Tara and Todd were sitting around the kitchen table with:

“Chuck!”

A thin, light skinned man got up from one of the kitchen chairs. Todd said, “So you’re back, Babe.”

“That driveway—”

“Looks as good as I care to clean it, and if you want it cleaner you better do it yourself. Say hi to Chuck.”

Paul encountered the thinnest Black man he’d ever seen in his life and Chuck said, gesturing to Fenn: “Did you ever see him on stage?”

“I work with him,” Paul said.

“He’s at the Theatre,” Fenn said. “He’s one of the best actors at the theatre. And this is Kirk. His significant other. And this is Noah.”

“I perform in other places,” he jested, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Chuck nodded, but did not seem to be paying attention, and said, “I got something for you—”

“He wants you to do a movie,” Melanie spat out.

Chuck turned around and looked at her.

“Well,” Melanie shrugged. “See,” she said to Fenn, “we were talking, me and Chuck, and he was doing a new film. You know, one of those Indie things. And I said, well Fenn is unexposed and he’s pretty free right now.”

“And I could have you out of my hair for a while,” Todd put his hands on Fenn’s shoulder and half leap frogged him.

“Do we have fish or chicken tonight?”

“Chicken,” Fenn leaned back and thunked Todd on the top of his head, “Are you for real, Chuck? Where are we supposed to be shooting this?”

“Chicago,” Chuck said. “And some small towns.”

“Like East Carmel,” Noah chuckled.

“Where’s East Carmel?”

Paul said, “Exactly.”

“So, you’re a real actor?” he said to Paul.

“Uh… I’d like to think so.”

“You have a great look,” he said, touching Paul’s cheek. “You have a beautiful hometown look.”

Kirk looked askance at Chuck, but Noah grinned and said, “You look like a pretty hillbilly. Paul.”

“Well, essentially that’s what I am.”

“Let me look this script over,” Fenn said.

“And you too,” Chuck said to Paul. “The part of Neil is great for you.”

Todd said, “Look it over. And then do it.”

“You eager to get rid of me?”

“I’m eager for more people to know how great you are. You’ve been behind the scenes working at the playhouse so long,” Todd said. “People forget your acting.”

Kirk tugged Paul on his shirt sleeve and said, “This is exactly what you always wanted to do.”

“It’s what we both could use,” Kirk said, later that night. “I mean, I’ve talked about getting away, and you don’t want to go back to California. Well, Chicago isn’t California, and it’s hardly the end of the earth.”

Paul was actually surprised that Kirk wanted to go, but knew better than to say this. Instead he said, “We could settle there. If you wanted. There’s plenty of work for an actor.”

Paul, in fact, did not know if this was true or not, but supposed that if he could work in Rossford, then he would definitely be able to find work in Chicago.

“And maybe… even though you didn’t like school,” Kirk said. “I would like it.”

“You’ve been to school, though,” Paul pointed out.

“Not graduate school. Maybe I could try it. I’ve thought of it. We could have a new life there.”

“I hear it’s more expensive to live in Chicago,” Paul cautioned.

“Possibly.”Mark shrugged. He had no way of knowing. “I bet it would have been just as expensive in California. Moreso. And I was gung ho on going off there.”

“A movie,” Paul said wistfully, coming to sit down on the edge of the bed. “I’m going to do a real movie. All the way back then, the first time I came to Guy I thought, I’ll make real movies. And I even convinced myself that I had made some real movies. But this…”Paul shook his head.

“I like it when you do that,” Kirk said.

“Hum?”

“That smile. That brilliant, wide smile.”

Paul reclined on the bed. He and Kirk lay side by side for a long while.

“I was just thinking,” Paul began.

“Hum?”

He sighed.

“We’re only one Asian kid away from our dream,” said Paul.

“Have you ever seen any of his films?”

“No,” Fenn said.

“I was just wondering if they were better than mine,” Todd said. They were sitting on the low, battered sofa in the living room.

“You do documentaries and he does features. You can’t compare them.”

“I was thinking I’d like to do a feature.”

“Really?”

Todd nodded. “I mean, I got all the talent, right? Great actors. You, Mel, Paul is phenomenal. I knew that about him way back when. Even in a porno he sold that shit.”

“I hope it doesn’t come back to haunt him.”

“It’s haunting him now, Fenn. The only way it won’t is if he lives out his dream.And if I know Paul, he’ll only roll with the punches.”

Fenn nodded. That was true enough.

“After I do this for Chuck,” Fenn said. “You wanna try and make a film? You know a movie, with plots and shit.”

Todd raised his eyebrow. “You serious?”

“Of course. We’re partners, right? It’s the most sterile term in the world, but sometimes it fits. We’re in this shit together. Your dream is my dream.”

“And I have dreams for you that you probably forgot to have for yourself,” Todd said. “Which is why I want you to do Chuck’s movie. And then, yeah, we can make something. You and me. And everyone else. But principally you and me.”

Todd was quiet awhile. He frowned and sitting up straighter he said, “Was Chuck flirting with Paul? In front of Kirk?”

“A little,” Fenn said. “He’s like that. Kind of.”

“You know if he tries that with you I’m going to knock him to tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, and that’s what I like about you.”