Adrian and Madeline settled into our lives like they had always been a fixture. I still have no idea how that happened because one day I was minding my own business, having my own life, with its usual ups and downs, and then I got myself a brother.
A stepbrother. The difference is important. It’s actually the one thing I kept telling myself as I fell to my doom. Since we’re not related by blood… anything goes, right?
Save for the part where sodomy is a mortal sin, and as a good choir boy, I should stay away from anything remotely looking like I’d like that: to be sodomized – what a word – by my stepbrother.
But I’m running ahead, and I bet no one cares about my interior demons and what they do to me on a daily basis.
For a couple of days after moving in, I saw little of Adrian. He was always somewhere; it was like he couldn’t bear the simple thought of being inside. True enough, it was a glorious summer at the time. Only bookish nerds like me would choose to stay inside rather than do the things young people do when it’s hot outside and everything seems possible.
If things had stayed the same – me inside, him outside – it would’ve been freaking swell. But my dad had a different opinion about how his new family was supposed to function. That included me taking care of that good-for-nothing bad boy. You see, from the start, I got it into my head that it’d be damn good to label him because he pissed me off so much.
Or maybe other things were pissing me off. Such as how I recalled, so clearly, the way his skin smelled or the feel of his rough hand on my skin when he’d wrestled me on the bed in his room, treating everything – me included – as a joke.
“Jordan, go find your brother. His mom needs him here for dinner,” my dad said through my bedroom door, shouting loud enough to make me consider getting a new pair of headphones. Not that I afforded it; my dad didn’t care about things that weren’t a ‘need’. And I didn’t ‘need’ new headphones.
“I’m sure he’ll show up,” I shouted back.
But my dad was already gone, which meant that I had to suck it and find my stupid brother. Damn, it was one thing that Dad considered him my brother, but did he think that asshole was his son? After two days he and his mom spent under our roof?
There was no one I could yell at, not that my dad tolerated any yelling. I knew he had a heavy hand as a fact. So, groaning for show though there was no one to witness my reluctance, I began dressing to go outside.
Where could that idiot be? Seeing how he looked, he was probably hanging out by the old quarry where all the cool kids went to sneak beers and cigarettes. That was my first choice.
***
And I was right, of course. Adrian was there, one arm hung over the shoulders of a chick who had come back from college after only two unproductive years and now shared her time between hanging out here and working a dead-end job at the local mart.
She wore too much makeup and was a couple of years older than him. Not that I gave a damn about any of that. What I had to do was drag my brother away from her and take him back to his loving family.
“Hey,” I called out, making most guys and gals there look at me.
Not Adrian. He was busy whispering in that chick’s ear, and she was busy laughing at whatever stupid jokes he told her.
I wasn’t one of them. They knew me as the weirdo who went to church too much with other weirdos. So their looks would soon turn hostile; I knew it.
“Hey,” I said louder.
The fucker ignored me, but his new girlfriend didn’t. She locked eyes with me and chewed on her bubble gum more aggressively. I didn’t want to get any closer because I’d have some of that hostility present starting to surround me.
“Hey,” I yelled for real this time.
Adrian snapped his head in my direction. “The fuck you want, choir boy?”
His audience – of course, they were his audience because it was his type of crowd – started laughing and hooting. I dug my nails into my palms so hard I could scream in pain.
“Home, now. Dinner’s ready,” I said and turned on my heel.
Dad told me to find him, and I had. If he chose to be a moron and stay behind, he might just learn that his new dad was hard on people who made the mistake of disobeying him.
“Stay, Adrian,” the chick begged, which surprised me. “Come on, don’t go yet.”
I didn’t turn to see if he was following me. Maybe he’d caught whiff of my father being a hardass and didn’t want to push his luck.
Good for him. I’d done my part.
***
His hurrying steps followed me until we were close to home. I didn’t say a word, and he understood it was better to keep silent.
How wrong was I? I was about to find out.
An old oak grows at the edge of what counts as our lawn. It’s protected or something else. It still stands today. And it was against its rough bark that Adrian pushed me, his breath hovering close to my face.
“My name isn’t ‘hey’,” he said. “Learn to address me properly, or I’ll fucking make you.”
So, he was a bully. Big whoop. I struggled to push him away, but he seemed made of steel and granite. My back rubbed against the tree, and it hurt. My t-shirt might tear if he kept on pushing me against it.
“Okay, Adrian,” I said, knowing when to lose a battle so I still had chances to win the war.
He relaxed his hold on me. I let out a breath I had no idea I was holding in.
“Good. Looks like you have half a brain,” he said, brushing his knuckles against my jaw to show me who’s boss. “But you tricked me out of a good lay, so I’ll come to collect later.”
“A good lay? Who? That girl?” I snorted and showed a bit of teeth. I preferred to glide over his not-so-veiled threat.
“Yeah. She promised to suck me off later. But now is later, and I’m here.”
“Good for you. She’s a skank, though.”
“Damn, do you kiss Jesus with that mouth?” He still hovered close so that I couldn’t move.
“We don’t kiss Jesus. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He chuckled, a sound that sent a shiver down my spine.
“Okay, whatever, choir boy. You’ll kiss my dick later, though.”
He finally moved away.
“I have a name,” I called after him.
He turned, opening his arms wide, and shrugged. “I don’t care. I might give you one, though.”
Like hell. Still digging my short nails into my palms, I started walking, brushing by him to let him know bullies didn’t impress me.
***
“So, come fall, you boys will be in college,” Madeline said, finally pulling her undivided attention away from my dad, who, no point in lying, enjoyed being the center of his new woman’s universe.
Don’t get me wrong; I had nothing against her. She was nice. She still is. And from the start, she liked my dad. It wasn’t like she could be in it for the money. Dad had to be the descendant of a long line of misers who counted their pennies as their favorite way to entertain themselves. Our house was modest, and we only had enough for ourselves.
So, that begged the question: how the hell did he expect to keep a wife and another son? Madeline worked from home, and I learned soon that she was a teacher who tutored kids online. My internet time was closely supervised, meaning I was allowed online only two hours a day, time I had to spend completing my studies, rather than indulging in mindless entertainment like other people my age.
As you can imagine, there was some pent-up aggression in me. I usually got rid of it by running through the forest that stretched close to our town. And I had a couple of weights in my room, so I wasn’t totally useless when it came to physical strength. There was prayer, too, of course. But I had a feeling I wasn’t genuine enough to pray for real, because I wanted to get even, not be given absolution.
Madeline’s words caught up with me with a bit of a delay because I wasn’t paying close attention. Adrian let his hand drop on my shoulder, squeezing it hard.
“I suppose they’ll let us bunk together, right?”
I was so surprised I forgot to control myself. I pushed Adrian’s hand away, earning a startled look from Madeline and a frown from my dad.
I was the good son, but I was done playing that role after so many years of being nothing but good.
“Is he going to college?” I asked, locking eyes with my dad. I pointed – rudely – at Adrian, who had to have a field day watching our family unraveling for his sake.
“Jordan, watch your tone,” Dad warned me. When he got mad, a tiny muscle at the corner of his left eye began to twitch. It wasn’t a good sign for me. It didn’t matter I was a grownup. That twitch told me that I’d get punished if I misbehaved.
“Yes, Sir.” I gave up quickly, despite the thunder in my ears. “What I meant to ask was,” I continued, controlling my hate and anger, “what is he going to study?”
“Adrian is going to study painting and graphic design,” Madeline replied, thankful to answer and get the conversation back on track. “He’s always been artistically inclined.”
Dad had never hit Mom, as far as I knew. So Madeline was safe; she didn’t have to be scared or worry that she’d made the wrong choice. Too bad you can’t choose your parents.
So, he intended to waltz through college, pretending to be an artist, while I had to study accounting. Dad didn’t give a damn about whatever I was inclined to do. Heck, I’d bent to his will at that point for so long that I didn’t even know if I wanted to study something else.
Adrian’s hand crept up my back until he reached the back of my neck. I always kept my hair neat, but I was due for a haircut. Before his mom’s and my dad’s unsuspecting eyes, he played with the short curls that had grown over the summer until now.
“I’ll take care of my brother,” he said, his voice mocking and self-indulgent.
How couldn’t they see it? His brazen display of mockery?
“I won’t,” I said, squirming in my seat to get rid of his touch. Inappropriate touch.
“Jordan,” Dad snapped. “Apologize to your brother, now.”
What did I have to apologize for?
“Gary, it’s okay,” Madeline intervened. “The boys need time to get to know each other. College is still months away.”
One month and twenty-seven days. I thought I was counting them towards my freedom. No chance of that now.
But a cool guy like Adrian wouldn’t hang out with me, even if we shared a dorm room. So I was safe.
Or so I thought.
“I want to get to know Jo better,” Adrian said. “We’re both done eating. Do you guys mind if we just go?”
I wasn’t done eating. Any moment now, Dad would put this asshole in his place. But instead, he said, “Go ahead. And teach Jordan how to be more sociable. With all the good upbringing he’s received in this house, he sometimes behaves like a savage.”
Like a savage! I barely got two words in!
It didn’t matter. I’d be free, no matter if I had a stepbrother getting up in my business or not.
Adrian grabbed my hand and forced me to follow him. The only upside in all of this was that I didn’t have to do the dishes, like usual.
“I’ll do the dishes, honey,” I heard my dad saying in a tender voice I couldn’t recognize as his.
I pursed my lips hard to keep myself from letting out something that’d earn me a proper beating. Supposedly, I knew better than that.
***
Adrian pushed me inside his room and locked the door behind him.
I remained in the middle of the room. “Are you trying to scare me?” I asked with a scoff. “I’ve dealt with bullies like you before.”
His sinful eyes grew wide, but they were mocking me. I just knew it. “No shit,” he said.
I looked around. It wasn’t a disaster, but he wasn’t neat, either. A few clothes hung over the chair, and there were a bunch of sketches thrown haphazardly all over his desk. Not going to lie – I wanted to check them out, to see what the artist was up to.
“I read the Bible every evening for two hours,” I said. “If you don’t intend to join me, get out of the way.”
He leaned against the door, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, to show me how unimpressed he was with my speech. I looked down, no idea why. I could guess the bulge inside his black jeans.
It was suffocating to be with him, in this room, while he clearly intended to goad me into doing or saying something stupid. Through his mom, he had sway over Dad, which meant I was at his mercy.
Was he thinking what I was thinking?
“I have better plans. In my experience, choir boys are the biggest cocksuckers in the known universe.”
I had no idea what kind of people he’d met in his life. I didn’t know one other guy, church-goer like me, who’d get on his knees that way. So I frowned and, determined to get away from my bully stepbrother, I walked towards him with my fists clenched.
“Get out of the way,” I said through my teeth, making eye contact.
It was dangerous to stare at him so up close. His eyes would’ve been two black holes if they hadn’t been so green.
“If you get in a fight with me, your dad is going to kick your ass. But I’ll kick your ass first, so you’ll get a double ass-kicking,” he explained things to me like I was hard in the head.
Rage simmered right beneath the surface. I wanted to punch his handsome face in; I wanted it so bad it hurt.
“So, what’s gonna be?” he whispered, leaning forward.
His lips were so close to mine, it felt like I was swallowing his breath with each inhalation of mine.
“Are you going to get on your knees, like a good and nice choir boy, and kiss my dick, or do I have to make you?”
“Fuck off,” I snapped.
“Wow. So you do know a few nasty words. Good to know.” He didn’t move an inch, but I wasn’t going to back down, either.
The look in his eyes so transfixed me that I missed when he moved his hand. So when he brushed it along my jawline, I jolted and moved away. That gave him fodder and a reason to laugh. He pushed against my shoulders hard, forcing me to take a few steps backwards.
“You have pretty lips,” he said. “Nice and full. They’ll feel great on my nuts.”
“Cut it out, idiot. This isn’t funny.”
“You can make it easy, Jo.”
“My name is Jordan,” I hissed.
“I like Jo better. It could be a chick’s name.”
Jordan could be a chick’s name. He was telling me nothing new.
He pushed me onto his bed. Again. I should’ve been quick to push him away, but he straddled me fast and held me under him. It didn’t help that he was resting his balls – I couldn’t feel them since his jeans were tight, but still – just on top of my crotch.
He intended to humiliate me, but I’d had history and experience with bullies. I braced myself for the right moment. I didn’t have to wait long. When he laughed, throwing his head back, I caught him in the chin, making him wobble.
But getting from underneath him wasn’t easy. My mistake – I barely grazed him, I realized right away. He caught my wrists and pinned them above my head. I was, once more, at his mercy, or better said, at the mercy of his impossible eyes, so magnetic, so unnerving, so bent on throwing my world out on a spin.
“You earned my respect, brother,” he drawled. “I had no idea you had it in you. Hmm, I think I did feel some nice muscles when I felt you up the other day.”
Two days ago.
“Good. That means that I’ll enjoy playing with you more.”
“What do you want?” I struggled to get away, but his fingers were like steel, digging into my wrists until I had tears in my eyes.
“To mess with you. To mess you up. Underneath your carefully pressed shirt, there’s a wild cat. I’m good at these things. Also,” he lowered his voice and leaned over to caress my ear with his lips, “I have no idea how you’re not aware of it, but you’re awfully pretty for a dude. I am so going to fuck that pretty mouth of yours, hear me?”
I heard him, but I remained silent.
“You earned your freedom tonight,” he said, letting go of me and allowing me to get up. “But you’re mine, brother. That’s a fact.”
His mocking laughter followed me in my dreams that night and many nights after.
tbc
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