Blame it on my raised-religious heart that I’m never satisfied until I receive my punishment. Despite having a great life with Adrian, I sometimes felt that I wasn’t worthy of it. Wait, no, not sometimes. Most of the time. I believe that some of my mistrust was transferring to Adrian, too, because he became restless and didn’t know what to do to pull me out of my funk.
“What are you keeping from me?” he asked me directly one day. The summer was closing to an end, and soon, we’d get back to college. It went without saying that we’d room together once more. While Adrian talked to his mom on the phone regularly, there was no communication between my father and me. As you can easily imagine, I was fine with it; since my leaving for college, he hadn’t communicated with me, anyway, and that had been before he learned from Adrian that I was gay and very much enjoyed to take it up the ass, therefore turning into the ultimate sinner in his eyes.
“What do you mean? I’m not,” I protested. How could I explain to him a feeling I couldn’t define myself?
Adrian pursed his lips. He was growing into a man. I loved watching him become a bit different every day. And it reflected on his personality, too. Maybe that I didn’t love so much, because he wasn’t smiling as often. Along with my twisted personality, because I was his muse, he grew darker, too. But it worked well for him, it seemed, because he’d had a small feature in an art magazine. I was so proud of him that I held a clipping from that and stored it safely. Adrian had been so amused to find it among my things one day. I told him he should keep one, too, and then he said that he’d look at mine whenever he needed to see it. Eventually, I’d leave everything behind.
“You have something on your mind,” Adrian said. “But you just wouldn’t share, right, Jo?”
“Come on, don’t make it such a huge deal,” I said. “I’m not pestering you what’s on your mind all the time.”
“That’s because my life is simple,” he said, throwing his arms wide and apart. “It’s only art and you.”
Well, I was second, but it still made me insanely happy. Adrian would always have something in his life that he’d love, something that was his very reason to live. It meant that he didn’t need me, and that gave me some peace of mind while torturing me in other ways.
“Jo,” he said, changing tack, “you know you can tell me anything. Like if your asshole dad is pestering you or something.”
I wrapped one arm around his shoulders and pulled him tight into a hug. “I haven’t spoken to him since our fight. I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”
He laughed, unaware of how serious I was. “He hurt you, not me, dummy. For fucking real, some people think they own their kids. But that’s not how normal people behave.”
“Adrian,” I said softly, still holding him, “was what you told me back then real? That your dad used to beat you?”
He laughed again. “No. He left when I was little. I just wanted so desperately to have something in common with you that I just made it up on the spot.”
“Thank you.” I felt him so warm and real in my arms that I wanted to cry. But I didn’t want to freak him out, so I stopped.
“For what? For lying to you?”
“Yes.”
“You’re such a weirdo, Jo,” he said tenderly, caressing my hair.
I couldn’t tell him about my obsession with having to pay in one way or another for being happy. Are good Christians meant to know true happiness on this earth, or is all that reserved for the forever-after?
I was willing to strike a deal and forget about eternal happiness in favor of the one I could have now. You can say I wasn’t a man with perspective at the time.
***
“I want you to come with me tonight,” Adrian said one day.
It was the last day of true summer, and he wanted to spend the evening outside. A new club was opening and Adrian had created several cool posters for them. We had free entrance and drinks, as many as we could pour down our throats. That was how he sold the idea to me.
I wasn’t keen on doing that. Adrian hadn’t brought up my reluctance to go out in public and behave like boyfriends for months, but it looked like my time was up.
“I have work,” I lied.
He gave me a hard stare. We were in the bedroom we shared, and he walked around naked, knowing how much I enjoyed seeing him like that. Although I was the one posing for his paintings, he enjoyed being admired just as much. His body was starting to fill in all the right places, losing some of its lankiness in favor of hard muscles. Because of him, we had weights and a couple of other fitness items, and we kept ourselves in shape. I loved his shape more than mine. A lot more.
“No, you don’t,” Adrian countered. “You’re not getting out of this. What do you have to worry about? Your dad already knows you’re gay and that you’re with me.”
I was superstitious. I worried that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my happiness if I went too far. Did I invite tragedy in our lives by being a worrier or by listening to him? I can’t truly say. Mysterious ways and all that.
Since I said nothing, Adrian stopped to take a good look at me. “Wait,” he said, narrowing his eyes, “are you telling me that you don’t want to show how gay you are with me because of some deal between you and… God?”
In a way, he was right. While I doubt I’d ever been a good Christian, I couldn’t forget years after years spent in fear, no matter how full of sun Adrian was.
“No, but it’s, you know, people. This isn’t a bar for gays, right?”
“No, but it’s not like city people live the same as your folk back in the sticks.” The last words were said in jest, but they hurt somehow.
“Oh, well, since I’m such a backwards character, I bet you don’t want to be seen with me, either,” I threw at him.
“You,” Adrian said, pointing his finger at me, “have no right to throw a tantrum. We’re not going to spend our entire lives holed up in a room, in fear of getting struck by lightning just because you can’t shake off your hang-ups.”
“Maybe it’s not so easy to shake them off,” I said.
“Maybe you’re not even trying,” he snapped at me.
Adrian stopped in the middle of the room, hands on his hips. We engaged in a silent battle of wills for about half a minute.
“Fine,” he said, throwing his hands to the sides in defeat. “Then maybe I’ll find someone to have fun with, since you’re such a stick in the mud.”
He knew, oh he knew what he was doing to me by making me jealous.
“I’d be a stick in the mud if only you’d let me fuck you.”
My accusation made his eyes grow wide. “Are you fucking kidding me? You haven’t mentioned it once. How am I supposed to know you want to fuck me?”
So we weren’t entirely honest to each other. I hadn’t pressed him to put out for me, that was true. But he hadn’t seem keen on it, either. Maybe he didn’t feel gay enough to take it up the ass. But those were just suppositions. I couldn’t possible know what was going through his head. As he couldn’t know everything that was going through mine.
“Jo,” he warned me, “silence is also an answer. Stop being a fucking douchebag, okay?”
“What am I supposed to say? You just threatened me that you wouldn’t mind cheating on me. And for what? Because I don’t want to go out with you?”
His eyes were blazing now. Clearly, he was getting quite fed up with me and my deflections.
“It would be cheating if we were something to each other. But what the hell are we, Jo?”
He was right. Of course he was right. I was a dumbass, and I didn’t even hide it well.
Because I continued to remain stubbornly silent, Adrian shook his head and walked out. I couldn’t tell if he was going to cheat on me or not. As you may easily imagine, I wasn’t in a good place mentally. My body had the ability to heal fast, but not the same could be said about the rest of me.
***
I spent the evening mentally torturing myself over not giving in to Adrian’s request to go out with him to that public place. Because I framed things in a way that made sense to me, I was also working hard on justifying my choices.
But, apparently, even a Christian used to mental torture over sins never committed could only endure this much. In the end, I chose to go out. If Adrian was already with someone, I’d know he didn’t care enough about me. I kept repeating myself that. After all, he’d cheated on me in the past. Had that been cheating, though? Leaving my hypocrisy aside, Adrian was right – what the hell were we to each other?
Adrian needed more, a lot more, but above all, he wanted me to behave like a normal human being – and be one, as well. Raised by a single mom, one who loved her son more than stupid principles, he’d been raised happy. And that was one thing I couldn’t get used to. I was the opposite of that. I’d been raised sad and angry.
Even so, I had hope in my heart. I knew the club address so getting there wasn’t difficult. However, I got out of my ride before reaching my destination because I wanted to stretch my legs, and also consume some of the nervous energy accumulated in my muscles.
When I got in front of the bouncer, I realized my mistake. This was the kind of place where they allowed you to go in only if they considered you were a good fit. When had I ever been a good fit for anything in my life? However, I wasn’t stupid, so I dropped Adrian’s name in the hope that the man guarding the entrance would find it familiar enough to grant me access.
It wasn’t a bad bet. Actually, the bouncer surprised me by saying that Adrian told him I’d come.
He was that sure of my love. That truly touched my heart. Even if I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, the words I’d regret not having said for long years, I did love him. Completely and with all my heart.
The music was loud, and the people were better dressed than me. For a few moments, I had no idea what to do. Everything there was so new, so fresh, and my head was pounding. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe I should go back.
Such thoughts were circling my mind like ravens, but they quieted down the moment I saw him. Adrian was with a group of people at a table, laughing and sharing all the happiness he had to give. The others had to be the club owner, a man in his early thirties, and a few friends of his.
For all that Adrian had threatened me, he didn’t look like he was doing anything remote to cheating on me. He was, basically, networking, which said a lot about his growing up. That also gave me peace of mind. Adrian, because of his people skills, wouldn’t be a starving artist.
He saw me, drawn to me as I was drawn to him, and his face lit up even more. With an energetic wave of the hand, he gestured at me to join them. I couldn’t dodge that anymore. So, pretending that I was normal and well-adjusted like any other human being, I smiled and walked over to Adrian’s table.
“This is my boyfriend,” he shouted at the others over the music, taking my hand.
His hand was dry, while mine was clammy. Still, he didn’t mind it. The others didn’t mind such an introduction, either. They welcomed me with the pleasant politeness strangers reserve for the people that come along with other people whom they actually know. Nothing out of the ordinary.
For them. For me, it was as if the entire world had turned on its head. Adrian pressed me into joining him on the plush seat and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. He continued to chat animatedly with the club owner and the others, while I remained silent.
No, not silent. That wouldn’t be the right word. I was speechless. Yes, that’s better. Speechless, because I was in awe of Adrian and couldn’t see anyone else. I kept watching him, listening to every word he was saying to the others without understanding anything.
I knew I was in love. It wasn’t a strike of lightning; it was more like a tidal wave, growing, larger and larger, larger than life, while inside my chest, my heart expanded way beyond my rib cage.
***
“I can’t believe you came,” Adrian jumped for joy, grabbing my hand and pulling me along the dark alley. I drank little, no matter how much free booze was on the menu, because I was already drunk on him.
“I thought I’d surprise you,” I said. “And I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”
“You do make me mad sometimes, Jo, but you should know by now that I don’t really mean it,” he said.
He continued to drag me after him, and I followed, laughter bubbling inside me. “Where are we going?”
I stared into the darkness, and a slight chill brushed by my face.
“I want to blow you,” Adrian said, pulling me close and giving me a kiss.
“Can’t it wait until we get home?”
“Really?” Adrian gave my cheek a painful pinch. “You need to be more adventurous, Jo.”
“But it’s dark,” I pointed out.
“That’s the idea. No one will see us.” He laughed, making me follow him.
I could hear the drip-drip noise from an AC unit leaking over a metal container not far from us. The wall behind me was damp, though it hadn’t been raining lately. I told myself I should only pay attention to Adrian, what he was doing to me as his hands roamed over my chest and his lips found mine.
There is such a thing as senseless violence. I can tell you that because I witnessed it firsthand. And it can happen so fast that time contracts to a single point, a single moment that changes your life forever.
At first, it all slowed down. I heard Adrian’s muffled cry of pain, and then something he said about his head. But I already felt that other presence, someone that must have followed us down that alley, led by fury and dark thoughts.
Fighting in the dark is the kind of thing that fuels nightmares. My hand found the back of Adrian’s head and when it came out wet, adrenaline exploded in my system. I didn’t even know what I was doing, fumbling in the dark, but while Adrian dropped on the ground, I was already at that fucker’s throat, squeezing the life out of him.
I found my footing fast, even though he was striking me, over the head, over the ears, his arms already flailing erratically.
Adrian’s moans of pain assured me he was still there.
“Jo, ambulance,” he mumbled. “Now.”
I let go for a moment, throwing our attacker to the ground and hurried to him to take his hand. I was already searching for my phone with my free hand, but my fingers were stiff and I couldn’t use them.
The blow over my head wasn’t that much of a surprise. More surprising was that I survived. Not only that.
I fell to one side. Now the fucker’s profile was visible against the streetlights in the distance. He was standing above Adrian with something in his hand.
Seconds expanded and contracted. His bad luck was that he didn’t make sure I was out before he tried to hurt Adrian again.
My Adrian. My boyfriend. The love of my life.
Later, they put the photos before my eyes as if that would change anything. I suppose they wanted me to show remorse, regret, whatever. What they didn’t understand was that I looked at those pictures with grim satisfaction. There was nothing left of his face for anyone who might’ve known him to recognize it.
tbc
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