“What do you think you’re doing?” I whispered. I was sure I didn’t sound angry – just curious – but that was enough to make him stop.
“What are we going to do, Jo?” To my dissatisfaction, he moved away from me, but didn’t climb out of my bed, so there was that, at least. He’d ask me the same question over the years, and I didn’t know what to tell him until I did. Until I figured out how and why it could work for us, in the end.
“Do you want me to blow you?”
It was the wrong question but I only realized that when he huffed and made a move to get away from me. I caught his arm and pulled him close to me.
“Don’t go,” I said. My voice was rough and unused, especially because I didn’t often say what I wanted.
“I really don’t understand,” Adrian murmured. He didn’t fight my grip, and it could be only because he was drunk, but I couldn’t be sure.
“What?” It was a chance for us to talk and try to make sense of the mess between us.
“You are pretty,” he said, not as a compliment to me, but as a statement he needed to tell himself. “But other guys are prettier.”
“Do you want to get on your knees for them?” A pang of jealousy slashed through my chest. I would always be jealous, I realized that moment.
“No. That’s the thing, the mystery,” he said. We were in total darkness, but I could picture him waving his arm. “You’re pulling me to you. Why?”
“I’m not doing that.”
“Stupid,” he accused me. “You know what I mean. I want you, but I can’t have you.”
“You’ve been using my mouth for weeks now. What are you talking about?”
“I want to fuck you,” he said bluntly. “But I can’t trust myself that I’d do it the right way.”
“What way is that?”
“Will you lie there, like a frozen fish, while I fuck you?” he asked.
I wasn’t sure I could manage that gargantuan amount of self-control. But I couldn’t see myself moaning like a bitch in heat, either.
“We won’t know until we try it, right?”
My question took him by surprise. “Do you want that? Do you want me to fuck you?”
“You could check your theory about not getting hard for chicks because you think you’re into me.”
“I don’t think. I am.”
How should I play this? I felt so anxious. What if he fucked me and then was finally satisfied and didn’t want me anymore? What if my refusal pushed him away for good? So many questions, and not enough answers.
“It’s not a big deal, right?” My voice trembled as I said that. I couldn’t be clingy, and I couldn’t be open about wanting it. Wanting him to penetrate me so we’d see if what we had, this strange thing happening between was, would offer us more than what we could see in the moment, narrow-sighted as we were.
“Not a big deal,” he scoffed. “Do you hear yourself, Jo? You sound like you’d better have a root canal.”
So he worried that I was afraid of the pain. All the porn I’d watched on the down low told me that it was possible and most likely pleasurable. Sure, it was the question of doing it right and taking the necessary precautions.
At least, I had to show him that I could go through with it. For his sake, though I didn’t intent to say that part out loud.
“Do you have a condom?” My voice was calmer now, thanks for my prior experience with not showing emotion.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah.”
“Then how about you name your price. What do you want?”
You. I’d always want you. But I couldn’t say that. For me, at that time, he was just a boy who didn’t know if he liked me enough to stop hating me.
“You start talking to me again,” I said.
“I’m talking to you right now.”
“In public, I mean. Don’t act like you don’t know me.”
“People know we’re brothers. I don’t think many remember that we’re actually stepbrothers. Though our last names are different and all.”
So he was cautious about what people might think. That was wise of him.
“Adrian, I’m not asking you to kiss me in public.”
A soft grunt from him let me know that I said something strange. I didn’t know how to interpret that. My Adrian dictionary was filling up, but I still had much to explore.
“You’d faint on the spot if I did that. You little good Christian, you.” He was teasing me, but there was bitterness in his voice.
I might but not for the reason he inferred with his little jab at my faith.
We lay in silence for a while. I thought he must’ve fallen asleep, our conversation about penetrative sex already forgotten. But Adrian surprised me by throwing himself over me, not aggressively, but with the strength of someone who needed to be saved.
It was an odd transition from our earlier back and forth. In the dark, he found my face, and I found his lips. We ended up kissing in a frenzy. The taste of his mouth that night would often come back to haunt me because it was the first time we were reasonably honest to each other.
His breath on my face was hot. He smelled and tasted of booze, but I didn’t mind it. With frantic moves, he took off his t-shirt and pressed his naked skin against mine. I wrapped him in my arms, wanting to absorb him through my pores. That was the kind of miracle I could pray for every day.
There are moments in life when everything else goes away, the entire world with all the people in it. It was like that for us. His lips were hot on mine. I had my hands in his hair, and I was pulling him to me, not wanting to let him breathe, because he was mine, and I wanted him so much it hurt, just like it hurt knowing that I couldn’t keep him.
He snuck his hands underneath my ass and held me tightly. I no longer minded that his fingers were dry and relentless anymore. He could break me in half, and I wouldn’t feel a thing; that’s what I thought.
His moves were firm but not so rough as he turned me until I was lying on my belly. He moved along my back, leaving a trail of kisses. When he pressed his mouth above my crack, I jolted. He mistook my surprise for panic.
“Easy,” he whispered. “I’m not gonna hurt you, Jo.”
“It’s alright,” I mumbled. “Just… don’t put your mouth there.”
“Why? Don’t tell me you didn’t take a shower tonight.”
He knew my routine, so he was well aware of my being a stickler for cleanliness. Close to holiness and all that.
“I did. But maybe it’s too much for you?” I asked because I had to.
“You licked my ass,” he reminded me.
And I’d do it again, even without him asking me to do it.
I didn’t protest anymore. He moved his mouth slowly over my ass cheeks, grabbing them with his hands, making me aware of what was going to happen. My senses sharpened to take it all in. My eyes were wet, but my throat was dry.
“Have you done this before?” I asked.
“Only with chicks,” he said.
“Does pussy taste better than ass?”
“Let’s see,” he replied. “I haven’t tasted yours to be able to tell.”
I get why people talk about being in love in such grandiose terms, like having wings, or walking on cloud nine. It’s all real, and I can vouch for it. Still, I worried, because to him, I was a curiosity, that thing that didn’t fit with the rest of his world. What he was doing now could go wrong for me. Once satisfied, he’d end up forgetting about me, while I would never be able to do that.
The die was cast, however. Backing down was no longer an option, and I needed to brace myself for what would happen later.
Later. Because right now I was in heaven, as his tongue inched closer to my asshole. I must’ve made some pretty weird sounds because he stopped and giggled.
“Are you going to come from a tongue in your ass, Jo? Damn, you really need to jerk off more often.”
“Shut up and lick my ass.”
“Wow, okay, tough guy.”
I was the opposite of tough that moment. Every move he made, every lick he gave me, turned me into a puddle. And his tongue, damn, his tongue, it was doing such things to me that there was no escape for me. I moaned and trembled underneath his touch. He helped me on all fours and grabbed my cock from underneath. With one hand, he started slapping my ass, while the other was busy jerking me off.
And, in the meantime, he rimmed me like there was no tomorrow. I know there are biological explanations for the asshole to be this sensitive, but I was too consumed by it to chalk it all up to a body function and reaction.
“You taste so nice, Jo,” he repeated in the short breaks he took from rimming me. “I can barely wait to sink my dick inside you. Fuck, I’m going to fuck you so deep.”
It had to be only my imagination, but I could picture my asshole opening to take him as much as he wanted. For someone with so little sexual experience as I had, I was pretty stoked about getting fucked.
The mechanics of it didn’t matter. What mattered was that we were together, and he was the one doing those things to me. The time to protect myself was up. Whatever punishment lay in store for me later, I couldn’t be bothered to think about it.
The first climax that night hit me hard. It felt as if I was shooting but not from my cock or my balls, but somewhere much deeper. Adrian felt it and kept tonguing me hard, adding so much pleasure on top of it all that I worried I might pass out.
It didn’t happen. I just moaned and cursed and said some things I never recalled later. They seemed to please Adrian, so whatever flew out of my mouth had to be something he’d expected.
“Good,” he said, slapping my ass again. It stung, which meant that he must’ve turned it red earlier while spanking and jerking me off. Funny how pleasure and pain can go so well together when you’re with the right person. “Now that I got you off, and we established that your ass tastes great, you need to put out.”
I fell on my back after he turned me, aware of how wet the sheets were. I must’ve come all over them. He pushed my knees up and rubbed his fingers against my hole.
“I never fuck chicks without a condom,” he whispered. “But I want to fuck you raw.”
“Isn’t it dirty?” I asked before anything else crossed my mind.
“Sex is dirty only when it’s good,” he said with a chuckle. “I want your ass, brother.”
I hesitated. It suddenly felt too intimate to ask him to go ahead, so I heard him getting up and fumbling in the dark. The sound of packaging foil getting torn let me know he wasn’t going to do me raw. He knew better. All the sex I’d ever had until then had been with him, with the only exception being that time when that chick sucked me off because Adrian wanted to prove something to me.
He was all over me again, and I took him in my arms.
“Let me use some lube on your ass,” he murmured in my ear.
As I thought. He knew better. And I planned on following his every move so I’d know, too, what to do, when my turn came. If it ever came, I told myself back then, not knowing how long we’d keep this up, loving and hurting each other because of being too young and stupid.
Have you ever felt truly naked? I’m not talking about the physical sensation. I’m talking about that feeling of being completely stripped of yourself so you can be someone another wants you to be. Yet, at the same time, that’s you, that’s the real you. And you know you’ll never be more real than you were in that moment.
Anyway, that’s how I felt.
It was the strangest sensation at first. The way he tried to push in, even though I could tell he was being extra careful, made me gasp and choke. I knew the size of his cock, its girth, the way the head tended to swell when he was aroused, yet it felt like a foreign object trying to pass through an impossibly tight opening.
“Wait,” I whispered. Sweat was turning cold on my back. For all my earlier bravery, it was obvious I wasn’t that prepared to take him.
“Okay,” he whispered back. He pressed himself against my back, holding me and lending me his warmth.
He didn’t pull back and that helped because I started getting used to the sensation.
“Have you ever done this with a guy?” I asked, desperate to fill the silence. I would learn later to know Adrian and his thoughts even when he wasn’t talking.
“No. Don’t be so insecure,” he scolded me. “I sucked off a few dudes, but it was never serious.”
As opposed to what he was doing to me right now? Oh, yes, my heart did have wings, even if my asshole wasn’t yet ready to take Adrian’s cock.
“But I had anal with chicks,” he added, just to ruin it a smidge. “Your ass is much tighter, though. You’re hard everywhere,” he said as an afterthought, letting his hands roam over my arms and stopping at my hips. “You’re different from others I’ve fucked.”
That was good. Hopefully, that meant different in a good way.
“I’ll try again,” he whispered in my ear.
It helped that he was doing other things to me, because I was starting to get the hang of it, while enjoying the pleasurable sensations he triggered in me with his hands and lips.
I won’t romanticize my first time with Adrian. My ass would hurt after for several day whenever I tried to sit, but my pain would be my victory.
It took a while for him to be inside me. But once he was there, new sensations started to appear. I could tell my ass was still uncomfortable for having something in there, but at least the pain had faded to a degree.
“Your ass feels so good on my cock, Jo,” Adrian said, caressing my ear with his lips. I sensed his apologetic tone. This first time would be better from him than for me – it was what he was trying to tell me without words.
He huffed softly as he adjusted his angle. His breath on my cheek blew rhythmically as he began to move at a pace. Each slight relief was followed by a new thrust, and I found myself moaning in surprise when the first hint of pleasure hit.
That was wondrous. I can’t compare it to other types of sex; it is unique – the kind of thing that takes over your brain, drowning it in happiness hormones.
I’d thought before that I wouldn’t moan like a bitch in heat when Adrian fucked me. But I was doing that, and it pleased him because he put a hand close to my lips, not to make me shut up, but as if he wanted to check that those sounds were coming out of me.
I mentioned earlier that I wouldn’t romanticize my first time. But it was amazing, and I won’t lie about it. Adrian held me by the shoulders and fucked me with everything he had. I could tell he was surprised, as well.
“Fuck, Jo, you feel so good,” he kept praising me. By that, he meant to say that I was the one making him feel good.
So I took my victory. I relished it as he drove his cock into me, over and over. What before had felt like a foreign object trying to find a breach into my body was now as good as a part of me. I had his cock, and I had him.
And he gave me another different type of pleasure for the first time again. The orgasm that hit me seemed to come out of nowhere and also from everywhere, every piece of my physical body, at the same time.
“Are you coming, Jo?” Adrian asked.
“Fuck yes,” I whispered, without hiding my shock about it happening, my cock spurting without being touched.
“Fucking yes,” Adrian grunted and slammed inside me without the care from before.
It was good. I was ready for it now. He was coming, too, but I could only tell by how his body became taut and tense, and his moves shortened.
And then there were the sounds. The way he mumbled praises, raining them over my back and bent head – it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before.
When his body stopped writhing in the throes of climax, Adrian didn’t pull out and didn’t let go. He just held me in his arms, and we stayed like that for a while, our raspy breathing the only sound in our dorm room.
tbc
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