I needed to take some of the control back or else I risked making a fool of myself. What I truly wanted to do was to yell at him that I desired him so fiercely that my heart stung the inside of my chest, and that I couldn’t stand the thought of him with someone else, let alone see him having sex with a girl. The only soothing thing in the whole ordeal I was going through remained the idea that he wouldn’t sleep with another guy to spite me or just because he felt like it. Girls bothered me, yes, but as much as real competition. A man would change everything. I wouldn’t know how to compete with that.
“If you’re so sure I want to suck your dick,” I said, “maybe you should start with blowing me first.”
He stared at me in disbelief; from the corner of my eye, I could spy on his actions. “You really want to make this difficult. I see.”
I wasn’t ready for what happened next. He attacked me, dropping my seat and climbing on top of me. Agile as he was, he had me pinned under him in seconds. I pretended to struggle but not so much because I wanted to see what his intentions were.
Without ceremony, he plopped his cock on my face and laughed. Oh, Adrian, you were only making all my fantasies come true, even back then, by simply being you. I didn’t want to see you vulnerable and broken over me; this version of you, arrogant and mean, turned me helpless and at your mercy. But, in the end I’d be a hypocrite not to admit that all versions of you do that to me.
“How should we do this?” Adrian asked, without hiding his triumph at having me in that humiliating position. Slowly, he rubbed his cock all over my face, leaving wet trails everywhere. I knew his precum was getting in my hair, too, and I enjoyed having such minuscule parts of him cling to parts of me.
He seemed to ponder over how to take advantage of his newly found power. “Open your mouth,” he ordered. “Fuck, I’m going to fill your mouth with my balls, Jo.”
Frankly, I was expecting more insults given how determined Adrian seemed to be to put me in my place.
The last thing I wanted is for him to stop, so I chose to play along and give him satisfaction. I opened as wide as I could, and he parked his balls inside my mouth, as much as that was possible, anyway.
A soft sigh left his lips, and I cherished the moment. Whenever I made him happy, I was over the moon. Of course, I didn’t let it show because I worried about how dull and uninterested I will end up being for him if I ended up just like everyone else. Adrian was a guy who hooked up left and right, which meant that people were dispensable in his eyes, which was the opposite of what I wanted to become for him.
“Ball licker,” Adrian said, snickering like a naughty schoolboy.
I was a ball licker. Now that I could taste the salt of his skin, especially there, I intended to make a meal out of it. Making sure that my teeth didn’t get in contact with the soft candy in my mouth, I began moving my tongue slowly. I could tell he was going crazy over it, because he was jerking his cock off in short, punishing moves.
“I should know better than try to make you talk,” he grunted. “You’re much better with your mouth full. I’ll teach you to be nice and obedient, brother. It’s the only way I can keep you.”
So there was a way for him to keep me. Then I intended to keep my mouth busy with his cock, balls, and anything else he wanted so I never spoke another word in my life.
“Dammit,” he whispered, annoyed as he seemed with his own inability to last.
Adrian changed position at the last moment, leaving my mouth open and empty. But not for long, because he managed to push his cock in and give me his load with the risk of suffocating me. I liked that he was reckless enough to do something like that, disregard my wellbeing for the sake of his pleasure. Because in times like that, I could show him, without words, just how much I needed and wanted him.
I made all kinds of sounds while he came messily in my mouth and throat. Because of the weird position, it went the other way, through my nose. Do you know how people who’d ever risked drowning experience the smell of seaweed at the back of their nose for months after? It happened to me, too, but with Adrian’s cum. Despite the discomfort and horrible sensation, I was the happiest I could ever be.
Once he was done with me, Adrian laughed and wiped his cock on my hair before moving away. He left me there, heaving and protesting at having been used so roughly, and started driving.
I grunted again when he slapped his hand over the tent I was pitching. He squeezed my hard-on and balled his hand into a fist.
“Fucking hypocrite,” he said, as if talking to himself.
He was right, of course. But it was the only way we could be like that back then.
I didn’t hear another word from him for the rest of our drive. But he only moved his hand from my cock when he needed it for driving. All those interruptions gave me breathers I didn’t want. It was such sweet torture to have his hand there but without jerking me off or doing anything to bring me relief.
***
We developed a status quo for ourselves. I got used to being used, and especially got good at neglecting my own sexual needs. Adrian wanted me to blow him all the time. We had our exams coming, so we didn’t leave our room much except to go to classes, the cafeteria, and do the little shopping we needed to do. I even abandoned my part-time so I could focus on my grades. My scholarship came in handy, and I was used to live on little money.
It helped that Adrian took it upon himself to feed me and bring me things I needed but never named out loud. My self-imposed vow of silence didn’t bother him. Actually, it looked like it suited him just fine.
He was in a strange frenzy, and it was quite the spectacle for me to see an artist at work. While his part of the room became a mess, his desk was neat. And he was sketching and working furiously, but always religiously put his work back once he was finished for the day.
That was when he stood from his chair, came to me and whipped out his cock. I knew the drill. I opened wide, whether I finished studying or not – I learned to be extremely efficient so I could be ready for him whenever he wanted me.
No words were exchanged between us, as I said. He held my head while fucking my mouth and my throat, and I got amazingly good at giving head. During those many blowjobs, I learned what he enjoyed the most. I knew how much tongue to use, when to pretend to be choking, when to remain silent, and when to protest.
And Adrien gave me every load he got in his balls during that time. I was happy in the oddest way a guy like me could be. Since he seemed absorbed by his work – his art – he wasn’t in the mood for conversation, which worked just fine for me. That meant that he didn’t mention anything about how important it was that I came out to my father, eventually.
I couldn’t understand his worries for the future. What Adrian did by pressing me to tell was to make sure that he didn’t end up with a guy deep in the closet for life. It’s true that I needed to be clawed out into the real world from there, because I saw no point in living the comfortable space I was carving for myself through secret blowjobs.
Don’t imagine that I never jerked off. But I was so busy that it only happened late at night when Adrian was asleep. It was a short, but satisfying affair, because it was enough to recall the taste of his cock and I was done for. The postponing, the refusal of my own pleasure, they were enough to give me my version of satisfaction.
Weeks went by like this. I liked this routine, but I should’ve known Adrian wouldn’t be content with it.
Adrian is a great artist. Now that his works hang at expositions with hefty price tags attached, it seems like a dishonest thing to say that I knew back then just how great he was. But even his sketches have left me thinking. His paintings have always left me breathless. He draws and paints men, the kind of men that you’d fall in love at first sight the moment they walk into the same room you’re in.
The exhaustion of our finals was settling in. He was out, drinking with his friends, while I remained stuck indoors, waiting for him. I could go out, too; I could drink, and I could pretend to have friends, but I had no energy left. This passion I was cultivating for him left me with little else to spare for the outside world beyond my studies and other obligations.
But his absence that evening felt like a betrayal. I could see now the stupidity of my ways, where my stubbornness took me. Since we never talked, there was nothing but a tacit understanding between us. But were we understanding the same thing?
He staggered inside after midnight, smelling of booze and cigarettes. Under my blanket, I carefully examined whatever information I could glean. At least, he didn’t smell like he’d had sex. I knew the smell of his sweat; it was different when he got laid.
“Jo?” I heard his groggy whisper. It was so strange to hear his voice after so much time spent in silence around him.
“Yes,” I replied, my heart in my throat.
He laughed. I could tell he was rolling on his bed, still dressed, since I hadn’t heard him undressing.
“I couldn’t get it up tonight,” he confessed. “I had this chick all over me, and my dick stayed limp like a noodle.”
“Maybe you weren’t into her,” I said lamely.
“Maybe I’m only into you,” he replied.
His voice was unnaturally harsh.
“I’m going to sleep in your bed tonight.” His decision was abrupt, but I wouldn’t have minded it even if it had been deliberate and taken under more sober circumstances.
He snuck behind me and took me in his arms. That had to be the most tender thing he’d ever done to me. That I wasn’t ready for. I wanted him to be angry and use me and put our relationship on that strange inverted pedestal I needed for things to work. Whether I was the one using him and putting him down or the other way around… who was I lying to? I liked him to be the one on top since he decided things would have to work that way.
“You’re to blame,” Adrian mumbled behind me, resting his cheek against my shoulder blade. “Me, not getting it up and all.”
“It happened before,” I said, not beyond teasing him. “Have you considered an early onset of erectile dysfunction?”
“Fuck off,” he grunted. “You’re a dysfunction.”
That hit a little too close to home to be honest. In his life, I was that thing that didn’t quite fit. More than that, I was the thing that wasn’t normal. Adrian had so casually confessed to me that he’d sucked off guys before. For all his posturing when we first met, he had most likely supposed I’d be this quick, easy fun. Fuck and forget, that sort of thing.
Only I was stuck in his life like a pebble in a shoe, and I didn’t want to get unstuck. He also didn’t seem that ready to let go of me, something I didn’t understand. It was the same thing that made me worry he’d get fed up with me, eventually. He was normal, and I was not.
Our future selves, our evolution would prove that I had no idea what I was talking about. Like two rocks in constant friction, we’d cause sparks to fly and get burned in the process.
At that time, I wasn’t even starting to understand Adrian and his complexities. Or maybe I didn’t understand that his needs were simple, and I lacked what was needed to see him and his desires for what they were.
I felt him moving behind me, and I didn’t understand what he was doing until he pushed my shorts down. His fingers were hot and dry, searching for a destination along my crack.
tbc
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