He decided not to talk to me at all after I insulted him. At first, I thought he was only trying to play with me, torture me, but eventually I realized that he was really upset. My apologies, come too late, fell on deaf ears. His pursed lips and tense silence were the only answers I got for my insistence. In the end, I had to give up.
Our parents welcomed us just as you’d imagine: his mom, happy to have us over for a short time, my dad with a strong handshake and not much else. Although we continued not to speak to each other, I don’t believe either his mom or my dad noticed anything. They were too caught up in the celebrations and all. It came as a shock to me to see that they had other people over. We never had people over, not even on Thanskgiving. My father, for all of his involvement with the church, wasn’t exactly a community man. But now, our house was in an uproar, with guests all over the place, some, people I knew from being townsfolk, others, strangers, and most likely Madeline’s friends or acquaintances. I don’t remember anything about family members being mentioned, except maybe a distant cousin. The only thing I was grateful about at the time was that none of these guests intended to spend the night under our roof, having secured hotel rooms in the larger town nearby.
Dinner arrangements had me sitting by Adrian’s side. His mom most likely thought that we must be getting along great now; she insisted on thanking me again for setting her son straight. Not exactly her words, but their meaning was clear. Obviously, I had no intention to set Adrian straight at all.
But he ignored me. He endured through the Thanksgiving dinner as if it were torture. I stared at his hands since I didn’t have the guts to stare at his face. His moves were snappy and angry. I had no idea what to do. My half-hearted apologies hadn’t been enough, and it would be much later that I understood that he’d only want the most and best of me, not crumbs.
After dinner, my dad organized a little session of singing hymns so we could all be good Christians, but Adrian ditched the party so he could fuck off somewhere else. Although I wanted to follow him, I couldn’t do the same. His quick leaving only reminded me that he had so many friends in town, unlike me.
Where was he going? Would he hang out with the same losers like before? I was getting mad, too, because he’d been the one to drag me here when all I wanted had been to be left alone. And now he was leaving me? I didn’t want that. I wouldn’t have that. Though I had no idea how to channel my anger, I wanted to do something, preferably something that would hurt him for doing that to me.
I went to sleep without looking for him, although it burned my soul like a thousand hells to know where he was and what he was doing. In the dark, in my old room, which my father had thought of taking over by filling it half-way with his crap, I built up scenarios, all of them involving him with some girl or even more than one. To think that he’d allow others to touch him the way that should have been reserved to me alone filled me with dread and fury, none I could control.
In the end, I fell asleep only to wake up every other hour and listen to the sounds of the house as if I could sense him, hear his breathing through the walls, and know that he was near and didn’t leave me there, by myself, completely.
***
The first time I saw him was when Sunday, when we had to go back to school. No one, not even his mom seemed troubled that he hadn’t slept in his room at my father’s house at least once during our break. Apparently, Madeline was used to his sleeping at friends’ houses, and my dad seemingly had decided that he had no business monitoring Adrian’s moves. However, he did force me to volunteer with the local group and get busy with charitable work. I’d never been crazy about visiting old people’s homes and helping them with chores, but this time, I welcomed the distraction because I didn’t have to think of Adrian at all. I even showed a level of enthusiasm that made the people in my town believe that I matured a great deal in less than a college semester.
Since I’d come home in his car, a dilemma was rearing its head. Was I supposed to find a way to get back to campus on my own, or would he accept me as his passenger once more? It was difficult to say which of the two would be more torturous.
The first thing I noticed was how thoroughly fucked he looked. There was that glassy look in his eyes that told me everything I needed to know about where his dick had been. My anger had simmered down into a slab of concrete in my chest by then. Although I’d fantasized over the last few nights about punching him in the face, that was gone now.
“Let’s go,” he said, his luggage in the door, when he saw me coming down the stairs.
A childish need to dig my heels in appeared out of nowhere. “We’re not going back together,” I said curtly. Although I had no alternative, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of begging for a ride.
“Come, or I’ll tell your devout father you’re a faggot,” he snapped at me.
I believe that was the first time I heard that slur in his mouth, and it shocked me. It was said with that bitter, ugly edge that takes all the lightness of sexual play out of it.
“Not one above blackmail, are you, dear brother?” I was seething, and strangely so, it gave him satisfaction.
He was grinning now, leaning against the door.
“Did you fuck well?” I whispered at him, walking over only to stop inches away.
“Yeah. Yes, I did,” he confirmed. “Are you jealous? You don’t even have the guts to tell your family you like me, Jo.”
“Fuck off. I don’t like you. I fucking hate your guts. In case I wasn’t clear before.”
“When did you do that?” He leaned forward until our eyes couldn’t see anything else. It was hard to recall I was mad at him while losing myself in the great expanse of his green eyes. “Tell me, Jo.” His voice dropped low, making my earlier fury turn into unbearable longing. “When you were busy sucking my dick? Or licking my ass?”
“Are you boys ready to leave?”
His mom’s interruption came at the right time. A moment later, and she would’ve caught us kissing. Or just me kissing him, because I didn’t know if he’d ever let me kiss him again.
“Jo is such a lazy ass,” Adrian said, pulling back and letting me the only one looking like a fool. “I had no idea I’d had to wait for him to get ready.”
“I’ll be ready,” I said, controlling my voice with great difficulty. “Just give me five minutes.”
“Take your time, Jo. Adrian can wait,” Madeline said. “And don’t take him too seriously. He’s a big joker. Where would he be without you?”
I had no intention to even consider that question. For days and nights now, he’d been cheating on me. I knew exactly where he’d be without me: normal, happy, all that jazz. Clearly, Madeline failed to see that her son was going through changes, and not of the nice kind.
***
I didn’t look at him at all. To think that only days ago, riding with him in his beat-up car had felt like such a great adventure. My heart had been filled with hope, and now I was back to my usual drab life, one to which he didn’t want to belong. But he was asking for the impossible. While I planned on cutting ties with home, I wasn’t ready to face my father. Adrian most likely thought I was a big coward, but the situation was much more complicated. If it had only been about the beating that I’d definitely get for being, as Adrian had put it, a faggot, I wouldn’t have minded much. The hang-ups weren’t only external; a lot had to deal with my own feelings about it. Like when I was supposed to pray with the others, but no one could suspect what I was thinking, I needed to keep this part of my life a secret. It appalled me and made him feel ill to my stomach even to consider that others would learn about me, about the real me.
Adrian was driving as if he wanted to qualify for the races. Normally, I would’ve told him to slow down, but the darkest part of me wished that we’d go down in flames. Together. An accident on the highway; nothing out of the ordinary; a tragedy like all the other many tragedies happening every day in our big country. No one would suspect the truth for a moment.
What truth? That Adrian looked like he wouldn’t mind killing us both. But I was lending him some of my most hopeless thoughts without admitting, or realizing, that he was so much different from me, and that was why I was so in love with him. A lot of things weren’t clear back in the day.
“Are you going to give me the silent treatment?” he asked, breaking the silence when I least expected it.
“Who did you fuck, Adrian?”
“None of your business. Are you pissed? Jealous?”
“Neither,” I lied.
Adrian stopped the car by the side of the road. He got out, leaving me to wonder what the hell he was up to. I eventually got out, too. For a while, I watched him pacing around aimlessly.
“We should go,” I said at one point.
“Don’t you have something you want to say to me?” he exploded.
“I already apologized for calling you names,” I reminded him. “Though it looks like you don’t mind insulting me.”
“Can’t you figure out what I want from you?”
“It doesn’t cross my mind.” I followed him with my eyes. He was so beautiful. My stepbrother. With his tall, strong body, his playful eyes now full of thunder, his long fingers that could undo me in a heartbeat.
“Make it cross your mind, or we’re not leaving.”
“You’ll grow tired, eventually,” I said.
He became more agitated. He came right in front of me and stared me in the eyes. “Tell you that you’re jealous. That you want to kick me in the nuts for fucking someone else.”
“If I do that, will you get back in the car?” I faked being bored with his theatrics.
His face darkened. “You’re one piece of work, Jo. Come on and say it. Say it like you mean it. Or else, you’ll have to suck my cock, here, in the middle of the road, so everyone can see what a pervert you are. Don’t worry. Even if they judge you, I won’t. I’ll just use your mouth as my cum dumpster.”
Adrian really knew what to say – when it came to sex, at least – to make me lose it. I grabbed the front of his shirt. “Do you want me to taste your girl’s pussy from your cock? Is this humiliation what you have in store for me?”
He relaxed once I snapped at him. “Get in the car. And don’t be so fucking stupid. I never fuck without a condom.”
Adrian moved quickly now, so I had to hurry after him. Once we were inside, he unzipped his jeans and pulled his dick out. Staring at nothing in particular through the windshield, he spoke in a lazy, measured tone.
“Here is what’s going to happen. You like living in the dark because you think you’re a sinner or some crazy shit like that. Fuck, whatever, I don’t care. All I know is that I want you to suck my dick or I’ll go nuts. One day, I’m going to fuck you, too. I’m going to fuck your ass and maybe all that stupid Christian guilt out of you. Whatever happens to you, I don’t care. But I’m going to get you out of my system, one way or another. Now get over here and start blowing me, since it’s the only good thing you know to do with your mouth.”
To say I was shocked by his little speech would be an understatement. I understood what truth was he hinting at regarding poor ol’ me, but I wasn’t ready to admit it.
“Suck your own dick.”
My knee-jerk reaction didn’t surprise him. On the contrary, it made him laugh. By now, he’d managed to get his cock hard, and I kept stealing glances at the thing, feeling my jeans getting tighter and my mouth dryer by the moment.
“You’re a nutjob, Jo. Thing is, I don’t usually go for complicated people. It’s too much of a headache, and we’re young, for fuck’s sake. But maybe it’s because you’re so fucked up that I can’t stop myself from wanting your mouth on my dick. It must all about knowing that you’re going against everything you’ve been taught only to put your lips on me and suck me dry. Gosh, you must be so messed up inside. You’d rain fire and brimstone over my head if you could, but, at the same time, you want to get on your knees and swallow my load.”
“You’re wrong.” He was wrong about the fire and brimstone part. Not the other one.
“Of course you’d say something like that. But I don’t care. All I want from you is to blow me. And to keep blowing me until I either get bored with your shitty attitude or I decide to fuck your ass. You need dick and cum in your life, Jo. I’ll give you plenty of both until you start thinking clearly.”
How elated was I upon hearing him talk like that? He wanted me. My twisted little heart understood as much.
Only that the threat he’d uttered hovered in the air between us. Until he got bored. I’d told him before that I couldn’t let that happen. Which forced me into a choice: should I blow him now and act all obedient, or should I flip him off to see how far his rage would take him?
tbc
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