I blacked out, almost fainted but I did not cry today. Whenever I cried, Richard used to come by and console me and make love to me. Then there was nobody to console me, so did not cry. I asked his friend to call Isabell and Darren and they were on the next flight to Edmonton. There was no point waiting in the hospital since they had to do all paper work etc. so they will call me in afternoon to finish all the formality. Isabell and Darren arrived in afternoon. I was home accompanied by his friend and his family. He called everyone that had to know about the tragedy, my office and my home and even Richard's sister. My parents and Richard's sister along with his parents were on the flight to Canada. I was in state of shock and had nothing to eat or drink since I got the news. Isabell was a strong support for me. She wanted me to cry and I could not cry. I just kept blabbering that Richard is in Ft MacMurray and will be back in evening. Isabell and Darren helped me complete all the paper work. Our families arrived. My parents were in despair seeing my condition so were Richard' sister and mother. His mother never left my side since she arrived. I saw his father in person for the first time. He was speechless since he arrived. People were trying to make me cry. A doctor friend sedated me for 3 nights but had told very firmly that I had to cry to keep my brain from shock. Apart from the tragedy, people had another task to make me cry.

Since I was Richard's next of kin, upon his death registration, his will etc was handed to me. He had written a long 3 pages letter in my name along with the will. Anyways it was his wish to be cremated and his ashes sprinkled in the Ganges in India. I never knew he respected my religion so much (I am a practicing Hindu) I was asked my wish and I wanted Richard home. The authorities agreed and Richard's body was brought home. I was blabbering to people to make him sleep in the bedroom while I prepare his breakfast. Isabell was slapping me hard to make me cry but when she told me Richard is taken to be burned and he is dead and they lifted his body for the last time from our house, my dreams got shattered. Realization dawned upon me that I was left on my own, all alone, with Richard gone, no one to love me, take care of me and I yelled on top of my voice and broke down. I cried and cried asking to keep him down and leave us alone. I was yelling at his father for cursing me and taking my life away. His father stood there like a lifeless statue. We finished all the required rituals. Friends and other people dispersed leaving us family members to mourn in peace. It took me 2 months to finish all required legal paper work. My parents wanted to stay with me but surprisingly Richard's parents decided to stay with me. One day his father walked up to me and guided me to my prayer room. He had tears in his eyes and told me to forgive him and he asked me to go with him to Hobart. I hugged and cried. I told him I will think about it but right now I wanted to seek peace in Himalayas. I went to India in spring of 2010 and the irony of my life was I was immersing his ashes in Ganges on the day we had decided to marry. I went back to Canada. I had finished every other legal work like transferring the house, his life insurance etc. That house just haunted me but it was our dream house. I remembered his letter that he had written for me along with his will. I got that letter out and started reading it. The more I read the more I fell in love with Richard all over again. He eventually had spent money to freeze his sperms. I recalled our funny talk about this and he had actually done it. He also knew about my talk with his father and his father cursing me etc. I immediately picked up the phone called his father that I will be coming to Hobart to spend some time with them. I left my job, made arrangement for our house to be taken care of. We had enough saving to survive for a while. I left everything behind me, Edmonton, our dream house, our friends, our memories, everything. I just took with me my love for Richard and my pain of not being with him any more, to go and stay with his family for few months. I stayed with my family for some time in the US. It's been 2.5 years since Richard left me physically but his aura is around me all the time. I feel his presence with me all the time. Isabell and Darren helped me a lot to integrate back to normalcy. My parents and his family have visited me once within last year. My previous engineering firm re hired me. I still live in Edmonton, same house that I and Richard had bought to gather as our dream house. I finished the fence as he wanted to. I don't know if I will be able to move on with my life, falling in love again is not a possibility any more. I have been advised by my close friends to find a partner but my submission to Richard is not allowing me. Richard was my life, my soul and now without him I am a living dead. The only hope is the sperms he froze. I want a baby with will carry his genes. I am actively thinking about surrogate mother. In the mean time, a long time friend of Richard who was studying with us and played soccer with him, came home. He too is a gay and when he heard about the whole incident, he bowed in front of me, took my hand in his hand and promised me that he will never be able to take place of Richard in my heart but he wanted me to consider having him as my partner. While he said that I felt Richard holding me firm by the waist, kissing my neck and chewing my ear lobes and then those whispers, go ahead sweetheart you deserve the best. I turned around to see nobody there but in the back drop was Richard's picture and I could feel that killer smile on his face... Richard I love you and going further will be adjustment of life. Love was born with you and died with you Richard. I always pray that God unite me and Richard in our next birth and the every birth after that.

With Richard's death, I had lost hope of living. Friends and family stood with me but they cannot live my life. I was in despair when Richard's friend, Joey, came by and comforted me for 6 months before making this proposal. I felt Richard's approval in this relation. Joey moved in with me and everyone including families is happy that I started getting back to normalcy. Joey is very understanding and he does not take offend in me talking about Richard at time when we are together. I make it a point not to open closed chapter of my life. Joey has never touched me since he moved in. In public we behave as couple but in private I am not used to any other sexual touch than Richard's. Joey used to sleep in the guest room or sometimes on the couch. After couple months I felt bad about it that he so understands and does not insist sleeping with me even after accepting him as my partner. One day I casually hugged Joey and told him he can move in bedroom. Joey just smiled back and kissed me thanks for accepting him. That night Joey touched me so erotically that I winced and woke up. Richard is back.......

This is my true life story. I lost Richard but got him back in form of Joey. Richard holds that special silent corner in my heart that nobody, not even Joey can take it and Joey is aware of it. He is very understanding and loves me dearly. Eventually, I am going to edit the mature content of this story and send it to various publications to print it. All I am trying to say love is actually blind. Love does not see whether the person is a male or a female, a gay or a straight. Love connects souls vice bodies. Of course love is expressed through sex but then since love is pure that sex is pure as well. So what that I could not bear a baby for Richard and I will not be able to bear one for Joey too, but then there are so many straight couples who cannot conceive and have to seek medical help? Still my love for Richard and Joey is called unnatural and against the will of God. Why will God harm me when he created me? I want to tell those who say that gay relations are not stable to realize that I lived my life with Richard nearly 7-8 years and now with Joey for another 1.5 years and never did us feel unstable.




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