I don’t know why I hugged him… but his misery almost mirrored my own. I suddenly didn’t feel so alone. The hug was warm, and against the cold rain it felt especially good. I could feel him pulling out of the hug but I didn’t want to let him go, I just didn’t… but I did. I was caught off guard. I didn’t see it coming with my eyes still closed, but I could feel it, his lips against mine. They were soft and full and tasted of peppermint. Just as suddenly I was pushed away and my eyes sprang open. I looked at him and he looked like he might fall to pieces. I couldn’t get the words out to say it was ok, so I walked towards him, but he retreated saying ‘stay away from me’ until he fell over a down branch. Falling back and hitting his head he just looked so small. A guy I had lost many fights to and who I considered physically my rival. I ran over to him and looked down, he looked miserable. I knelled down next to him and looked into his eyes. This time I kissed him. Grabbed the back of his head and pulling him forward.

          I could tell from the look in his eyes that I caught him by surprise. Hell I had just surprised myself. I closed my eyes; I don’t wanna be alone anymore, and in the last hour and a half with Mike I had opened up more than I had in years, and had had someone open up to me more than anyone ever has. As scared as I was, I didn’t want to lose that. So I did the only thing that came to mind. I kissed him.

          He reached up and grabbed me by the back of my head and slowly pulled me down to the ground on top of him. I broke our kiss and just lay there with my head on his chest and his arms wrapped around me. We just laid there, listening to the sounds of each other’s breathing and me listening to his heartbeat, as the rain fell down upon us.

          “What are we doing?” It was a half whisper.

          He began to laugh, a deep quite laugh.

          “How can something that feels this good be so wrong?”

          I sighed. I knew what he meant. We were both Christian boys, Christian southern boys. We were told that what we were doing right now was an abomination and would end us in hell. We had both tried to burry these feelings for so long, but now that we were experiencing them… I don’t think I could ever hide them again.

          “What do we do now?” I asked my voice cracking.

          “You kiss me again and then we get out of the rain before we both catch pneumonia.”

          “And then what?.... Do we act like this never happened?... Go back to hating each other? Cause I don’t think I can do that. I mean I think… I hated you so much because I’ve wanted this with you for sooo long that it hurts.” I was crying again. When did I become so emotional? I think I was just overwhelmed.

          “Well… I guess you’ll come back to my house for the night at least… and dry off and eat… and we can figure this out. But… I don’t think I could go without at least being close to you. I’ve always had a feeling in my stomach every time I was around you, and now I know what it is. And we have the rest of the week to figure it all out since we don’t have school.”

          We got up and got back into his car, after I gave him a short, but deep kiss. He pressed his forehead to mine and we just looked at each other and then smiled.

          “We’re gonna be ok.” He said it with such confidence that I believed it.

          What we didn’t know at the time was that out on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere we were being watched and it would be weeks before we realized how bad this was.

          We drove for a long time. Out of the rural farm area, past the commercial farm area, threw downtown, and past our high school. I dozed off at this point, watching the buildings pass by with his warm hand holding mine out of the view of the rest of the world. The rain was soothing, I was so tired. I had gone from hating, to having feelings for this guy. The same guy had seen my mother being paid by a man, and then paying for drugs. The same guy who had seen the squalor I lived in every day. The same guy who had opened up to me and given me my first kiss. The same guy who I just laid everything on the line for and who laid everything on the line for me. If we were found out, it would cost us everything. I had to sleep, to rest. Just in case this wasn’t real… or a sick joke… I could feel him rubbing my hand with his thumb as I let go of my last waking thoughts.

          “Hey wake up sleepy head.” 

          I barley registered this. I could feel a tug at my shoulder. 


          I woke up with a start not realizing where I was, afraid one of my mom’s men was trying to fuck with me again. I looked over and saw him. Looking at me with a confused and worried expression on his face. –sigh-

          “So I guess this isn’t a dream.”

          “Humph, nope, no dream. We just ruined our lives.” He said the last part with a goofy grin. I could already tell this was his grin to hide his uncertainty and fear. The grin that would accompany his sarcastic comments laced with truth. It’s a grin I would have to find a way around because it made me worry and I didn’t wanna worry.

          “Just tell me now if I’m gonna get out of this car and get my ass kicked.” I swallowed hard and looked down at our hands still together. I felt his free hand turn my head as he gently laid a kiss on my lips. And I melted into it. Too tired to fight it, to desperate to not accept it.

          “Let’s go inside. I’m freezing.”

          He let go of my hand and got out of the car and disappeared into the darkness. My door opened and I slid out. I let my eyes adjust. I was standing in a huge 5 car garage. His Audi Iron Man was one of two cars there currently. The other was a freaking Shelby! My jaw went slack as I saw my dream car sitting just a few feet away from me. He took my hand and led me up a small set of 5 stairs and through a grey door. I was confronted by very bright lights and the faint smell of food. I stopped walking and took my hand from his to shield my eyes. He asked if I was ok and I told him to give me a minute so that my eyes could adjust. I slowly opened them and found myself standing in a kitchen the size of the living room, kitchen and maybe a bathroom at my house. I felt so inferior at that moment, I felt like I didn’t belong.

          I followed him around the corner and up a set of black wooden stairs catching the huge living room out of the corner of my eye to the right. The stairs led up to the second floor then we walked about 5 feet to another set of stairs but these were white. He led me to a door in the ceiling which opened into his room. It was brilliant; about the size of my mother’s master bedroom at home and my room. It had a big queen size bed that was sunken into the floor. He had a heavy wooden desk, a large wooden wardrobe, a sturdy wooden dresser. The wood was all black to compliment the more modern stainless steel and sharp black of the numerous stands and shelves in his room. Standing upon a glass and stainless steel TV stand was a huge 60inch television complete with a Wii and an Xbox as well as a classic PlayStation which the presence of confused me, but so did me being in this house. The room was painted a light grey with grey wooden floors. He had a walk in closet that both of us could lie down in, and an on suite bathroom with jetted tub and separate walk in shower. My bathroom, my mother and I shared, the shower and tub were one and often times the hot water didn’t work.

          As I stood in his room in awe he walked over to the back door I didn’t notice and opened it. I was confused, why would he have a back door off of what I learned was a fully converted attic. He then walked out the door and closed it behind him. I was confused and more than a little worried. I walked to the door and opened it slowly to find him on a deck playing with a very excited boxer. He looked up from the dog and my eyes caught his and I saw fear but happiness in his eyes.

          “This is Aisis. Aisis go say hello to Dean.” Before I knew it this very large boxer was upon me, wagging its little no tail and sniffing me, jumping up and knocking me down. She finally must have approved of me because she gave me a big lick across the face and went and laid on here large dog bed. Nick sat down in a very large and very comfortable looking outdoor recliner. “Come here.” I stood up and walked over to him and was quickly pulled down on the chair with him. Both of us sharing the space left no room between us as he turned slightly and leaned into me, I responded out of reflex by snaking my arm around his shoulders and turning to accommodate his weight. We sat together, saying nothing, enjoying the view of his lush back yard and enjoying the moment. I felt when he fell asleep more than anything. I felt all the tension melt out of his body and the turning of his head to rest partially on my chest and shoulder. I reclined the chair and settled in. I got the blanket that was folded right next to the chair and draped it over us. I leaned my head down and rested it on his before I felt another wave of exhaustion overtake me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this… content and at ease in my life. I didn’t want this moment to end. That was starting to be a constant feeling with him. And it scared me.



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