Dirt road main street

I looked at my cell, “Morning, Uncle.”

“Good morning, Son.”

“Well, you called me, Uncle,” I said when he didn’t start talking.

“Tell me Ben is with you. Not one word has been said round here.”

“Yes, Uncle. Ben is doing very well.”

“Ryan?”

“Are you gonna start with me, Uncle?”

“Ryan? Ben’s Daddy. Do you think Ben might call or something?”

“If he hasn’t done it on his own by now, then I won’t say a thing. You are the one who told me to take him away.”

“Yes, I did. And, yes you did. Good talking to you, boy.”

“And you, Old man.” I had to smile.

As the middle of November rolled around Ben and I still hadn’t. We did sleep in the same bed, woke up curled into the other, but we hadn’t. I’m sure he jacked-off as much as I did, tried to hide from the other so he, or I, didn’t feel bad. I did feel bad.

My family was gone and the gatherings Rob and I used to have, were gone as well. I thought about what holidays for Ben were like, the three of them sitting around a Thanksgiving Table must have been sad. I starting inviting people. I mean I have a chief’s kitchen, with all the leaves I can seat twenty at the table.

So… I am not a chief, couldn’t fill the table, but we had twelve. Parker and his wife, his sister, Cassidy, along with their Mom and Dad. Sugar and the girl at the moment; I often wondered what they saw in him and what he could do. Go figure. Ben took great pride in helping; set the table, did silver wear, and complimented me.

He was becoming so… much more comfortable around me; the way he’d touch me in front of others. He held nothing back. I looked at the table he’d set; thirteen. We should have just had a rider-less horse. I knew what he was trying to do and walked out picking up the setting to my right and left that spot with nothing.

We shared a look. I knew what he was trying to do and he did as well. I left him to answer the door, do the greetings; It's a special thing. I mean I started this morning; if you plan big shit like this, it just happens almost by its self if you plan. I had been drinking most of the afternoon but wasn’t smashed yet.

A sting to my ass and he was going to do it again. “That, fuckin, hurt.”

“Are you buying my grades???” And his voice was a little too loud. How could he think that???

I snatched his arm pulling him outside. “Don’t, you, fuckin, dare,” I said, pulling him to the deck.

“Really? You invite some of my teachers?”

“If you get an A; that’s on you; you stupid fuckin Farmb.” And I reeled it in.

“I would never do that, Benny. I told you that you would affect lives. Don’t think you can skate, you will have to work for every grade, maybe even harder.” And I gave him a quick kiss.

I could have fuckin smacked him; then I thought. “Ben. Prof H, loves books and I have a collection; he has no one. Miss Lawless. She has been alone for a while; raises dogs and lives on the Island I told you we could drive to.” And still, I could have slapped him.

“Ben? This is where I live, my name is on a building at the university you go to. It’s not all about you.”

“You are so… gonna get it one of these days.” And I got his smile as he made a feeble attempt at slugging me in the stomach.

I gave the honor of carving the bird to my Godfather. All in all, it was an eclectic group. My sexual orientation is not something I ever threw out there but most at dinner understood about Ben. As we ate, talked, and laughed, Ben would look at me.

“Poor us some Brandy, Chancellor,” Cass said leaning on the bar showing her cleavage.

I did and she took my arm leading us to the backyard. “WELL?” And I acted dumb.

“WELL, what?” I wasn’t going to make it easy for her.

“Is he why you had Thanksgiving, this year?”

“You just want to know if he has a big dick. You’re such a size whore.” And I expected the slug to my arm.

“I’ve sized him up. A girl can tell. So he’s hung?”

“Yes, Cass. He is hung as well as I am. Happy? I miss you, little sister.”

“Don’t you dare go getting all weepy on me, you big old quire. I miss you too. SO?”

I pulled her close. “I love you, Cass. We haven’t if that’s what you’re talking about?”

“If you don’t, I will.” She said like, she was serious.

I thought about what she said. Maybe? Ben had never been with a girl or a boy. Maybe? “You are such a slut.” And I pulled her closer.

I had pies up the ass and poured drinks with a heavy hand. I’d never really thought about it with Rob, but being friends with the U staff. Miss Lawless, was a short, big, woman. She did nothing to improve her looks; stringy uncombed hair, no makeup, she didn’t fuckin care.

It’s funny in a way. With all her quirks, she did have a beauty about her. Ben did well; he did really well. Prof H? He is a nerd, to the max. We talked about books I’d never read, a value I cared nothing about, and he was the last to leave. I put the shit in that needed to go in the fridge, threw plastic over stuff that needed it, and got in the tub.

Ben got in next to me and I handed him the joint I’d had too many hits off of. “I think; Cass was cuming on to me?”

I really do love him. It started as a smile, then a giggle, then a full out laugh. “Ben, Ben, Ben?”

I straddled him, I was going to kiss him. “Don’t tease me.” He said.

Just when I thought I could, I realized, I couldn’t. Ben? I had taken pictures down making room for new ones and realized I needed to paint because you could see.

It was close to Christmas when Ben brought in his tablet to show me. The first quarter grades were posted. Ben was all I knew he was and more. He nailed it. It was no surprise to me, the grades, the way he really didn’t need to study, and the books he read in the library.

“I’m doing good, Mamma.” He said, and I’m not one to eavesdrop. But.

“Don’t cry. I’m going to The University, here. I’m sorry for not calling sooner.” I should have moved on, but didn’t.

“Did you guys paint my room too, mamma?” And I could tell he was crying. How, fuckin, sad. Ben hadn’t hung himself but was dead in his father’s eyes.

I walked back into my bedroom and opened the drawers that were Robby’s. I’d never cleaned them out. It was long… overdue. Five fuckin years. Why hadn’t I done this? Greif; it’s an awful thing. I could still hear Ben on the phone with his Momma.

I was pissed on so… many levels, and sad on many more. I sat on the floor with all his drawer stuff around me and just cried. I was making room for Ben. I wanted this to be our room, as it had been ours with Robby. “He’s a good man; a real good man,” I heard as he walked in and saw me.

“I got to go, love you too.” And he sat next to me.

“You, crazy city boy. What are you doing?”

“Ryan.” And he pulled my crying eyes to his neck.

I hate fuckin crying. But they say, tears cleanse the soul. I pulled myself together, dried my eyes, and packed shit up. Ben watched. I smelled everything; still smelled like him after five years. Ben got up and I heard the truck start and he drove away. And I thought I was the one who took on baggage.

I packed up everything, clothes, shoes, along with the hundred pairs of underwear I bought him. I pinged Ben’s phone, sent a text; nothing. I walked to the bar grabbing a bottle of Scotch older than me then to the tub. I was really in the bag when he slid in next to me.

I wanted to tell him, needed him to know; but didn’t tell him how much I loved him. We did do the deed that night.

Now, I wasn’t a virgin. I knew Ben was. It had been so…long since I went down on a guy. I left the light on, tasted every part of him; every part. I took him in my mouth, chocked on him, and got him off quicker than I thought.

He gave me something I didn’t realize how much I needed. It had been five years and I didn’t close my eyes. Ben filled me. I kissed him as his hard shaft filled me, shook my head feeling what men feel, rode him with abandon. ‘Don’t close your eyes when I love you tonight.’

For those who don’t know; but want to. I can’t speak to how a woman feels, cum leaking from your fuck hole, dripping from what your lover planted. But for a man. Ben was a great lover. I was a wanting, lover. He had to see in my eyes as I rode his fuck pole, had to feel me squeeze his shaft as I came, the ecstasy as he filled me with children who will never be born.

I had really worked up a fuckin sweat, my legs were cramping, and my ass was on fire. Ben had his eyes closed shaking his head back and forth; I smiled looking down on him. He had stopped cuming but was flexing every few seconds; fuckin show off, I thought.

I fell asleep with him inside me; we didn’t talk. What can you really say after that? We separated somehow during the night, I was curled up to his back when I woke. “I love you, Benny,” I said in his ear. He didn’t move.

I’d dumped what he planted in me and was showering when he came in. “Thank you.” He said and his arms came around me.

“Thank you.” I returned moving his hands down.

So here we were. I didn’t know what he was doing as I sat down at my keyboard. It had been a while, I was working a lot and Ben was in school.

The keyboard is nice because you can pull so… many different sounds out. I sat naked hitting the keys like plucking strings. “It’s late in the evening; you’re wondering what clothes to wear. You’ll do what you do then spray your long blond hair.” Pause.

I thought about us and hit, next, on my playlist. “Goodbye to you my trusted friend. We’ve known each other since we were nine or ten.” Pause.

Next. “You packed in the morning, and I struggled as I looked out the window.” Next. Next. Next.

“My love; I’ll never find the words, my love.” This was for Ben. ‘I’ll never find the words.’ I didn’t feel him behind me.

He took my headphones off; “Come back to bed, Chancellor.” OK. Fuck me into the next century.

I have no idea how long I explored his body? Time meant nothing. I don’t want to say it, but I had something to prove. “Sweet dreams, Rob.” I thought.

Ben was, I mean. Ben was ready when I stabbed him. It was one, long, push. And I was in. I came; just like that. Talk about, your hair, fuckin, trigger? But I pushed on.

I gave Ben more than I thought I had in me. I looked down on him with his legs over my shoulders, sweat from me dripping on him; and came for the second time. Fuck me.

Now it had happened for both of us in a big way. Life.

Eight years later:

There he was, eight years after getting off the train with me. Eight years of studying, purple cord around his neck, he walked up to me. “I love you, Rye” And his arms went around my neck.

Yes, It, had been eight years of love like he said, and he said it a lot. I’d never said it, the thing that kept me awake at night, the, I love you. I did love him; he knew that, but I never said it. And that is on me.

This was his day; something I’d never achieve. “I love you, more,” I told him; finally.

There it was again. I saw his eyes moisten. I gave him something I had held back for way too long. If you know it; say it out loud.

When he’d tell me, daily, I love you, my response was always; how could you not? It made him smile. Now he had from me what I have no fuckin idea why I held from him for so… long.

His tears made my heart hurt, “That’s debatable.” And he didn’t let go of me for a long time. The End.

From your Author:

We, as men, seem to hold back on the shit that matters. Don’t. If it’s in your heart; let it out. What I write is a perfect example; one says it every day knowing the other does too, but never says it. How fucked up is that??? RJC.