Cocklust

It took me a while to put my feelings into words, but once I did, they seemed to come tumbling out.  I told Chad all about what had happened.  At first I thought it might be TMI— especially when I went into detail around my jacking off— but he never seemed to flinch.  He seemed to genuinely care about what I had to say, and what I thought we should do.  He seemed to go out of his way to make me feel like I could tell him the truth, as if the subject matter was nothing to be scared of.

By the time I finished talking, the cum on our bodies had mostly dried up.  So had our sheets, for that matter.  We were both still naked, with our arms and legs still wrapped around each other, and our faces still within inches of each other.  I felt a pang of guilt for having kept Chad awake, since I knew he’d need to be up early that morning.  But he insisted it was fine.

He definitely didn’t react the way I’d expected.  “That’s a lot to digest,” he said.  “I mean... some of it I wouldn’t worry about.  Like the part about rubbing one out.  When I said we should be cool with that, I meant it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure I’m sure.  I mean, we all do it.  It doesn’t hurt anybody, and it feels good.”

“I-I guess....”

“I think the bigger issue is you getting hit on at work.”

“Well... I could always quit my job if you want—”

“Is that seriously the first thing you think about?  How I’d feel about it?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Shouldn’t you be asking that of yourself?”

I licked my lips.  “Y-you mean you’re not mad?”

“Not at you.”

”What does that mean?”

“Listen,” he said, “if you want me to kick someone’s ass, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.  I’ll never let anybody fuck with my man.”

“Well thank you—”

“But don’t get nervous on my account.  What matters is how you feel about it.  Not me.”

“I-I mean I guess if you put it that way—”

“Besides,” he said, “I mean, I kind of get where those other guys are coming from.  Considering I like to hit on you too.”

“Oh come on.”

“What?  It’s true.”  He put his hand on my crotch.  “I craved this cock from the second I laid eyes on it.  Come on: that first night at the frat house, when they made us strip down—”

“I remember—”

“And then you surprised me when everyone else was asleep—”

“I didn’t do that on purpose.  You surprised me too.”

“Even so,” he said, “your dick unlocked parts of me that I didn’t even know were there.”  He let off a deep sigh, apparently savoring the memories, then pressed his body against mine.  “Anyway, the point is... now that you’re mine, what do I have to feel jealous about?”

I shrugged.  I had to admit he had a point.  “I guess,” I said, “as long as we keep it that way.”

“Well yeah.  But Ryan and Marcos do a lot crazier shit than we do.  So if they can make things work, we can too.”

I nodded.  It was true Ryan and Marcos seemed fine, even with their open relationship.  I thought back our sex party, when Chad and I had just banged each other, while Ryan and Marcos had also done stuff with Hunter and Drew.  I gave those guys props for their candidness: they seemed to give no bones about what they wanted in bed.  Not to say we needed to imitate them, but still....

“By the way,” Chad said, “they want to meet up when we’re in town.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ryan and Marcos.  If we’re gonna go see my dad, we should connect with them too.”

“Oh.  Right.”  I’d almost forgotten about that.  “Are you sure that’s okay?”

“Of course.  Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I mean... it sounds like your dad’s still dealing with a lot.  So if we just dedicated our time to him—”

“I wish we could,” Chad replied.  “Pam says he still gets tired really easy.  She says we should plan on spending an hour with him, maybe two or three if he’s having a good day.  Any more than that is too much.”

“Shit.  I’m sorry.”

“It is what it is.  The nature of brain injuries I guess.”

“Do you think he’ll be okay with me being there?  I mean... if he gets overwhelmed, I don’t want things to be weird—”

“Listen.  When I said I was done hiding this shit, I meant it.  Anyone who still has a problem with my gay ass can kiss it.”

“Well....”  I put my hands on his butt cheeks.  “Maybe I can play with your gay ass regardless.  Except I want to do a lot more than kiss it.”

Chad snorted.  “Fine by me,” he said.  He pulled me in closer and gave me a peck on the forehead.  “We’ll just take this shit as it comes.”

“Okay,” I replied.  Then I put my head on his chest, and the two of us laid there with our bodies tangled together.

We must’ve fallen asleep not long after.  The next thing I remember was early the next morning: I vaguely recall Chad getting out of bed, though I was still pretty out of it.  I didn’t fully wake up till hours later, long after Chad had headed off to work.

I felt a pang of loneliness lying there by myself, though I told myself not to worry about it.  I spent the next few minutes staring up at the ceiling.  I told myself how lucky I was to have Chad as my boyfriend, though I knew I couldn’t take him for granted.

I eventually got on my iPad and started browsing gay websites.  Vitruvian Men had a bunch of posts about what Chad and I had discussed.  They doled out advice on sex and relationships in all their different forms.  They kept preaching sex-positivity, which was a term I’d heard but had never known much about.  Basically they saw sex as a natural and life-affirming experience, something to celebrate and appreciate, in which everyone should feel free to do what they like.  It was an awesome idea, though I knew it could be more easily said than done.

They also had a whole section devoted to masturbation.  I’d glanced at that section before, but it seemed completely different this time.  Now that Chad had given me his blessing to jack off— not to mention admitting he’d been doing it too— I felt surprisingly liberated.  It was kind of like when I’d first acknowledged I liked dudes, and the way it had released urges I’d kept suppressing before.  It was also a bit like when I’d publicly come out, in that I could be open and honest about what I really liked.

Now I felt like I could unabashedly lie there in bed, playing with my cock for as long as I wanted.  I had nothing to hide, with no shame or guilt or anything.  I wasn’t doing this to show off, like at the Kap Eps’ circle jerk.  Nor was I doing it out of necessity, like when Chad and I were apart.  I was doing it because it felt good.  Because I wanted to.  Because I enjoyed beating my meat.  The same way Chad loved beating his.

I kept exploring the site with one hand while I stroked myself with the other.  There seemed to be a lot of other guys out there like us.  Some were basically exhibitionists: they shared pictures of themselves jacking off, or they posted real-time updates of what they were doing.  Others just compared notes on how to heighten the pleasure.  Quite a few were organizing circle jerks: they had a running list of bate parties in different cities, where anyone was invited to come beat off as a group.  Still others told stories of experiences they’d had, or they posted links to their favorite wank material, or they started new conversations of their own.  The site was like a full-blown community, with guys from all walks of life and all parts of the world, who were just bound by their love of masturbation.

I gooned for quite a while, then decided it was time to bust my nut.  I looked up some of my favorite porn sites, and I found a clip of Logan that seemed to hit the spot.  I thought of how much I’d watched his stuff in the past.  After all, Logan had been in the first gay porn I’d ever watched, not to mention some of the videos Chad and I had enjoyed together.  Yet it had been so long that the sight of this man was a real blast from the past.  Like a pornographic nostalgia.

I reached for our lube, and I found our bottle was lighter than I’d expected.  Apparently Chad had also been helping himself more than I thought— not that I necessarily blamed him.  I poured a few drops on my hand, then lathered them on my shaft.  It felt unusually good, and it reminded me of those moments when we were about to fuck.  My blood was surging through my body, and my nerves were tingling with excitement.

I assumed the position, with my iPad beside me and my right hand gripping my cock.  I queued up the video, skipping past the setup so I could just watch the fun stuff, and then I hit play.

Logan was vigorously bashing his bishop, and he was sighing and moaning as he did it.  He seemed to be having a hell of a time: his toes were curling, his hips were swiveling back and forth, his chest was heaving, and his head was rolling from side to side.

I was doing a lot of the same stuff myself.  My hand was sliding up and down my shaft, and my neurons were firing as my balls started boiling.  Waves of pleasure were coursing through my body.  I felt my orgasm starting to build, till I eventually passed the point of no return.

Logan got off before I did.  He just gasped the words “oh fuck,” then shot a bunch of white globs on his chest.

I watched him cum right as my muscles were starting to seize up.  Then I hit a great climax of my own.  I clenched my cock muscles, trying to prolong the sensation.  But I only lasted a second or two before my juices burst out of me and splashed across my abs.

Onscreen, Logan was still coming down from his high.  “Fuuuuck,” he said as he finished his stroking.  Then he let his body sink into his bed.

I milked my cock for a little bit longer.  By the time I stopped, my hand was covered in jizz, so it made slurpy sounds as it moved.  I tried to gauge whether I’d shot on the pillows or sheets; but as far as I could tell, all my cum had landed on my torso.

I just laid there at first, enjoying my afterglow.  I felt unusually satisfied, as if I was finally comfortable in my own skin.  My homosexual, Chad-loving, masturbating skin.  I figured if this was how sex positivity worked, then I was all for it.

Eventually I rolled out of bed.  I mused that if Chad and I were going to be transparent, with no secrets between us, then I should tell him about this.  So I sent him a quick text.

He responded back within seconds.  Dude, he wrote, my co-workers are sitting just a few feet away.

I felt a pang of guilt.  As much as I loved our new sexual openness, I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  I definitely didn’t want to cause problems at Chad’s work.  Maybe I should censor myself after all, I thought, at least in front of mixed company....

Anyway, said his follow-up text, I wish I could’ve been there.  Then he added an emoji of him licking his lips.

I felt my muscles relax.  Me too, I replied.

Chad paused for a second, then sent another text: Maybe after I’m done at the office, I should come by the bar.

I frowned.  Was he offering to have sex at my work?  The idea did turn me on— and it was hardly the first time it had crossed my mind— but I knew it would be risky.  Still, I did want to spend more time together, even if we kept things relatively tame.  It definitely gave me something to look forward to.  I took a deep breath, then typed out a response: Baby, you can cum over there whenever you want.

I kept expecting my horniness to die down, but it didn’t.  Eventually I got up to take a shower, and as I walked, I felt some residual lube between my butt cheeks.  It reminded me that Chad’s load from that night was still deep inside me— which was where I planned to keep it.  And that thought was enough to keep me hard for quite a while.

I was still sporting a boner when I clocked into work.  I was tempted to not even hide it, since it did seem to fit with Thaxter’s mantra.  I’d heard his soapbox many times about how the bar was a safe space, and that it was okay for us to acknowledge our desires, and so on and so forth.  But all ideology aside, I knew I’d be on my feet for hours, so I slipped my dick behind my belt.  Since I’d be working topless, I also tied my shirt across my waist— just to disguise my boner some more.

Ironically I spent a lot of my shift just talking to Thaxter, as I showed him some of the marketing tricks I’d learned.  I’d done the math on everything on the menu, looking at how much we sold and how much it cost to make, and I’d cross-referenced that against the shows we put on.  I’d also pulled up data from the National Equality Council, which showed how gay guys bought all kinds of drinks like beer, wine, vodka, and tequila— though we were very discerning about it— whereas lesbians bought a lot less and stuck mostly with wine.  I used all of that to make recommendations on how to draw in more business.

Thaxter didn’t seem impressed.  “You make it sound like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I didn’t say that—”

“I’ve never once had to do analysis like that.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “all your experience is awesome.  It’s just... how do you decide what goes on the menu?  Or what price you’re going to charge?”

“I like to think I have a feel for those things.  I don’t want this place to get corporate.”

I snorted and looked at our bulletin board.  It advertised a bunch of events around town, from a gay swingers’ party to Flynn Taylor’s upcoming strip show.  “Personally,” I said, “I don’t see this place getting corporate anytime soon.”

“All right—”

“The last time I gave you advice like this, you made money, remember?  Without having to sell out.  You even said yourself, times have changed... so you don’t want to fall behind.”

Thaxter didn’t answer.  He just chewed his lip.

I was about to say something else when I saw Chad in the distance.  He’d apparently just gotten off work.  I watched as he walked across the floor and sat next to Jean-Jacques. 

Chad waved when he saw me.  “Hey baby,” he said, then pulled a card from his pocket.  “Check this out.”

“What’s up?” I asked as I stepped away from Thaxter.

“Seth and Claire just sent their save-the-date.”

“Like for their wedding?”

“Yeah, it sounds like half of Washington is invited.  Though I’m guessing that was probably Claire’s doing.”  He slid the card across the bar.  “Before you ask, you’re invited too.”

I nodded.  The idea did sound cool, though it also sounded ritzy and expensive, which I wasn’t sure I could afford.  Still, I didn’t want to say anything right then.  I didn’t begrudge Chad’s family’s money, far from it; it was just that he seemed to forget how small my bank account was.

Jean-Jacques chose that moment to butt in.  “Wait,” he said.  “You two boys are together?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “This is Chad.  Chad, meet—”

“Jean-Jacques,” he said as he shook Chad’s hand.

Chad nodded.  “How’re you doing?”

“Not as good as you, apparently, if you get to play with all this.”  He pointed to my bare chest.

Here we go, I thought.  I’d gotten used to hearing lines like that, so they didn’t faze me anymore.  But it was Chad’s first time seeing that side of my job, at least firsthand.

“I do get to play with that,” Chad said.  “Just wait till later tonight....”

Oh jeez, was what I wanted to say.

“You know,” Jean-Jacques said, “I’d love to photograph you two.  I’m sure you’d make for really good models.”

“Ha!” Thaxter said as he walked up behind me.  “Scott, enjoy that while it lasts.”

“Say what?”

“Believe it or not, I used to be the same age as you.  I remember what it was like.”

“I mean—”

“All I cared about was looking good and getting laid... and it seemed so easy back then.  But you’ve heard women complain about getting older?  Try being a gay guy over forty.  That’s like eighty in gay years.”

Jean-Jacques pointed to the ring on Thaxter’s finger.  “It looks like you’ve been successful enough.”

“How so?”

“In terms of finding a man.  Isn’t that where the ring came from?”

”It is, but I was one of the lucky ones.  I’ve been with Bruce since 1978.  Now that we’re in our sixties... if we were single, we’d be over a hundred in gay years.  And a lot of our friends are just shit out of luck.  You know how many people look at us like we belong in a nursing home?”

I frowned.  I’d assumed that all of us bartenders got hit on.  I had no idea that Thaxter got such completely different treatment.  Granted, he didn’t spend all that much time behind the bar, being the owner and all, and he obviously didn’t work shirtless.  Even so....

“Don’t get me wrong,” Thaxter said.  “Getting older has its perks.  And it sure as hell beats the alternative.  I’m just saying, your bodies won’t stay in that shape forever.”

Chad looked like he had something to say, but he bit his lip.  He did seem a little frisky— I couldn’t help noticing the twinkle in his eyes— and I would’ve loved to have taken him aside.  But at that particular moment, it clearly wasn’t the time.  Besides, I had customers waiting, who I needed to attend to.

Chad hung around as long as he could, and he seemed to hit it off with Jean-Jacques, but I could tell he was tired.  He was clearly operating on very little sleep, so I encouraged him to go home for a nap.  He didn’t really want to leave, and to be honest, I didn’t want him to either.  But I promised him we’d talk later.

I was pretty distracted after that.  I tried to keep a pokerface, but I’d been randy for so long that I knew I was risking blue balls.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Chad’s anatomy, and all the things I could do with it, not to mention what he could do with mine— and I could only hope he’d be up for some action.  My dick throbbed with anticipation as I counted the minutes till the end of my shift.

As soon as I clocked out, I raced back to the house.  I practically roared down the freeway; then, when I got to Chad’s neighborhood, I took the streets’ twists and turns as fast as I could.  Finally I pulled into the driveway and rushed through the door.  I took the stairs two at a time, then burst into Chad’s room.

Chad was apparently as ready as I was: he was lying under our blankets, but then he whipped them aside to reveal his pale naked body underneath.  “Fuck me,” was the only thing he said.

I didn’t need to be told twice.  “Hell yeah,” I said as I grappled with my clothes.  I yanked down my pants and my underwear, whipped off my shirt, and leaped into bed.  My lips collided with his, and we shared a wet sloppy kiss.

“Mm,” Chad mumbled as he swirled his tongue around mine.  He wrapped his arms and legs around me, and he pulled me tight.  Our hard cocks jousted together, but only for a second.  Before I could stop him, Chad reached down and guided my dick to his already-lubed hole.

I pulled my face back, and I looked into his eyes as I slid deep inside him.  He was tighter than usual— since I hadn’t fucked him for so long— but neither of us was complaining.  I gave him another kiss, then started my thrusts.

“Oh yeah,” Chad gasped.  “You feel so good....”

I swiveled my hips back and forth.  “You like that?”

“Fuck yeah,” he said.  “Those other guys can only imagine what they’re missing....”

“I don’t want those other guys.”

“I know,” he said as he clutched me tighter, and he let me pound away.  “Tell me how many dudes want this dick....”

“My dick is all yours.  You know that.”

“I do.”  Chad spread his legs wider, inviting me to go deeper.  “Tell me, baby....”

I blinked.  Chad was actually turned on at the thought of other guys wanting me— or, rather, them not being able to have me.  “I got two phone numbers tonight,” I said, “but I threw them away.”

Chad’s pole responded in kind.  He grabbed my ass and pulled me further inside him.  “Keep going....”

“I’ve probably waited on hundreds of guys—”

“Did they all want you to fuck them?”

“You’d have to ask them.”

“Did you tell them you’d be fucking me instead?”

“I think they already knew.”

“I want you to tell them,” Chad said.  “Turn them down and see how they react.  I bet they’d die to get some of this cock....”

“You mean like this?” I asked as I rammed into him especially hard.

“Oh yeah!” he yelled as his body shuddered with pleasure.  “Give it to me....”

I pistoned his ass faster and faster.  My dick tingled harder and harder.  We were clearly both getting close.  “You think that’s how they’d want it?”

Chad’s mouth hung open.  He looked at me and nodded, but he didn’t say a word.

“You know full well they’re not gonna get it.  This dick’s reserved just for you.  Along with the ass that comes with it— which you can ravage whenever you want.”

Those words seemed to send him over the edge.  His eyes rolled back in his head, and his whole body seized up.  “Oh fu-u-u-u-u-u-ck....”  Then he busted his nut onto both of our bodies.

“Yeah baby,” I said, “enjoy that dick inside you.”

“Fuck yeah,” he gasped as his muscles relaxed.  Then he grabbed my face and kissed me hard.

I could’ve lasted a little bit longer, but I decided not to.  I knew he wanted my load, so I was determined to give it to him.  I kept my lips locked with his, and I smelled his warm breath as it filled up my lungs.  Finally I clutched his body as the pleasure overtook me.  Then I let out one last yelp as my cum filled his ass.

“Yeah baby,” he said when he broke off our kiss.  I rested my head against his, and he ran his fingers through my hair.

I just laid there for a second, with my dick still inside him, while I tried to catch my breath.  His skin felt so warm and reassuring against mine.  Then I said: “You know I mean that shit, right?”

“Mean what?”

“About not wanting those other guys.  I mean... I never invite that stuff.  And I wouldn’t want you to think you have anything to worry about.”

“I know that,” he replied, and he pulled me in for another kiss.  “That’s why it gets me so hot.”

We ended up doing the same thing the next day, and the day after that.  Before we knew it, we’d gotten into a routine.  There was still no perfect time for sex, with our schedules and all, so it wasn’t unusual for us to still jack off on our own.  But a lot of the time we did manage to fuck.  It usually meant waking each other up, often at random times, which was actually pretty hot.   Sometimes Chad would get me up in the mornings, but most of the time I’d play with him late at night.

Chad always asked for an updated breakdown of guys who’d hit on me.  I knew most of those guys weren’t sincere; they just wanted dick wherever they could get it.  I also hadn’t forgotten what Thaxter had said, about how this attention wouldn’t last.  Even so, the more would-be suitors I reported, the hornier Chad got.  He especially loved hearing I’d turned them down flat, or told them to get lost, or whatever.

I was actually tempted to embellish a little, and maybe excite him even more.  But I decided against it.  I hadn’t forgotten our promises to be open and honest with each other.  Besides, Chad would’ve seen right through any exaggerations.  By now, he was spending a fair amount of time at the bar, so he’d fielded plenty of pickup lines of his own, and he knew how they usually panned out.

This had been going on for about two weeks when we went to see his dad.  We’d set aside a whole day for that visit, knowing how unpredictable he could be; and we drove up to L.A. first thing in the morning.

Chad’s aunt Pam wanted us to meet her at her office.  We immediately got the sense that something was up.  The place was in Santa Monica, really close to the beach, but it was an imposing-looking building with no-nonsense security.  We’d called ahead and everything, yet when we got there, the guard still stared down his nose at us.  “You’re here to see Doctor Collins?”

“Pam Collins, that’s right.”

I frowned and looked at Chad.  I hadn’t forgotten how the people in D.C. had always called him “Mister Collins” while his dad was “Captain Collins”.  This so-called “Doctor Collins” sounded like she was cut from the same cloth.

Sure enough, when Pam made her appearance, I saw she was a real no-nonsense woman.  She was kind of stocky, in a grey suit and sensible shoes, with her salt-and-pepper hair pulled tight in a bun.  “Hi,” she said.  “Let’s go get some coffee.”

“Uh, okay....”

“I need to prepare you for something,” she said.  “I don’t want you to be surprised.”

Chad and I exchanged glances.  Pam didn’t bat an eye; she just strode outside and headed for a Starbucks, while Chad and I trailed behind her.

By now the two of us knew each other’s coffee orders by heart.  Chad ordered exactly what I wanted without me having to tell him.  Pam got her coffee black— which didn’t surprise me— and we took a seat outside.

“So what’d you want to tell us?”

“Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but....”  She lowered her voice and leaned forward.  “Your father wants to file for divorce.”

I felt a pang of disappointment.  I wasn’t surprised, though I did worry about what this meant for Chad.  I looked in his eyes, but he didn’t look back.  “Shit,” was the only thing he said.

“He’s been talking about it for a while now,” Pam said.  “At first I didn’t think much of it.  You know how he’ll say wild things and then completely forget them.  But he’s kept bringing this up... which tells me he means it.”

I inched closer to Chad.  I wanted to put my arms around him, but I wasn’t sure how Pam might react.  So I kept it discreet: I reached under the table and put my hand on his leg.

“I-I mean, I guess I don’t blame him,” Chad was saying.  “I don’t even remember the last time Mom came to see him—”

“Well yes.  They’ve been on the rocks for years.  Except now it’s more complicated.  Legally he still can’t make his own decisions.”  Pam sipped her coffee.  “If they’d divorced before he’d been hurt, it would’ve been less messy.  We wouldn’t have had to deal with things like power of attorney.  But better late than never....”

“Aw hell....”

“Now listen.  I don’t want to make this any harder than it needs to be.  Not on you, not on the family, most definitely not on your father.”  She sighed.  “But we’ll need to start making tough decisions.  Sorting out their finances will probably be a nightmare, especially if they have to sell things like the house.”

Chad gritted his teeth.  “How much have you talked to Mom about this?”

“I haven’t,” she said.  “I’ve been trying to find the right time.  But I think Patrick knows.  He seemed to pick up on it the last time he was here.”

“You know it’s really fucked up to be telling me like this—”

“There’s no easier way,” Pam replied.  “Like I said... I want you to be prepared when you see him.”

Chad looked at me, then looked back at Pam.  “I gotta ask... did this have anything to do with me coming out?”

My heart sank at the sound of those words.  I wanted to respond, but before I could, Pam cut me off.  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said.

“Well... I know it caused friction between them.  They didn’t seem to know what to do.  Especially when I said I wanted them to meet Scott....”

My ears seemed to perk up right then.  I knew Chad had talked to his parents that Thanksgiving, right around the time his dad decided to leave for the Middle East.  But I’d never heard this particular side of the story.

“You’re not the first one to have that discussion with him,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

Pam licked her lips.  “Do you not remember Gladys?”

“Gladys... you mean your old friend?”

“If that’s what you want to call her.”  Pam set down her coffee cup and looked right in Chad’s eyes.  “You’re not the only gay in this family.”

Chad did a double take.  “Holy shit—”

“That’s right.”

“Gladys was your girlfriend?”

“She still is.”

“Wait a minute.  Did Dad know this whole time?”

“How could he not?” she asked.  “I’m as close to a stereotype as it gets.  I own more steel-toed boots than he does.”

“I just... I guess I never thought of you that way.  That’s just how you’ve always been—”

“Which is exactly what my brother said.”

“You mean—”

“Bill has never wanted to think of me like that.  The same way he hasn’t wanted to think of his child like that.”

Chad shook his head and blinked.  “I-I mean... when did you tell him?”

“Originally when I was fifteen.  I don’t think he took me seriously... or maybe he suppressed it.  I reminded him last fall.”

“Woah....”

“The point being, none of this is your fault.”  She looked straight into Chad’s eyes.  “The fact is, your parents just got married too young.  They got swept off their feet, and they didn’t know what they were doing.  If anything, you and your brother kept them together... and I mean that in a good way.  You made them feel like it was worth it.”

An awkward silence hung over our table.  Chad and I just stared at each other.  It felt like a whole new weight had just been dropped on our shoulders.  I knew this was going to put lots of strain on Chad, and I knew how he could lash out under stress.  I figured I’d probably catch the brunt of his anger, so I told myself I’d need to be prepared.  At the same time, there didn’t seem to be much I could do at that particular moment.

Eventually we left to see Chad’s father.  He was staying at a rehab place nearby, and he’d improved quite a bit from the last time I’d seen him.  He was sitting up in a wheelchair, and he was talking in full sentences.  But he clearly wasn’t at a hundred percent.

Chad gave him a hug and acted like everything was fine.  “Happy Birthday Dad,” he said.

“Thank you,” his father replied.

“Of course you remember Scott....”

I held out my hand.  “Hi Captain Collins.”  He looked at my hand, then to my surprise, he actually shook it.

“Thanks for coming,” he said.  He sounded a little rehearsed, as if Pam had been coaching him.  But I still appreciated those words.

“Well yeah,” Chad said.  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Your mother would.”

I saw a mix of emotions flutter across Chad’s face.  But to an untrained eye, he didn’t seem to flinch.  “She wanted to be here too,” he said.  “She’s sorry she couldn’t make it—”

“To hell with her.  I don’t want here her anyway.”

“Dad—”

“Are we having cake?”

“What?”

“Pam said there’d be cake.”

“I-I....”  Chad’s voice trailed off.  “Is that what you want?”

“Yes.  And a Scotch.”

Chad nodded.  “Well, I can’t get you a Scotch, but I’ll see about the cake.”

I kept my eyes on Chad as he talked to his father.  I was still amazed at his patience, his compassion, and his all-around devotion.  Honestly, I don’t know how he did it, especially under the circumstances.  I just know I wouldn’t have been able to act that way that myself.

Most of what they talked about was inconsequential.  Chad asked him about the weather, though in California it was pretty much the same every day.  Bill apparently did follow current events— at least to a point— so they chatted about that too.  But then Bill mentioned Iran and Saudi Arabia.  At that point, there was no more avoiding the elephants in the room.

“So,” Chad said, “what made you want to go over there?  The Middle East I mean....”

“National security,” Bill said without batting an eye.

“I know but... it’s not like there’s gonna be world peace overnight.  And there’s plenty of other people who can go instead of you.”

“So?”

Chad chewed his lip for a second.  Then he cleared his throat.  “Were you trying to get away from Mom?  Or me?”

I put my hand on his arm.  “Chad—”

“I don’t ever want to see her again,” Bill snapped.  “Linda’s a cunt.”

“Don’t talk about Mom like that.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“Dad....”

I looked over at Pam.  I was hoping to make this less awkward, but I also knew we couldn’t brush anything under the carpet.  Pam seemed to be trying to strike the same balance.

“Bill, you’ve got every right to be angry,” she said.  “But watch what you say to your kids.  This is hard on them too.”

Bill didn’t say anything.  He just sneered.

We stayed with him for an hour or so.  Bill didn’t go into detail about what was going on— he obviously wasn’t the type who went on about his feelings— but I could tell it was weighing on him.  We just tried to lighten the mood as best we could.

Eventually the staff came together, and we all sang “Happy Birthday.”  Bill did seem to humor us, at least in his own grumpy way.  But the main thing he wanted was his cake.

As soon as the festivities were over, Bill announced he was tired.  Pam gave us a knowing nod, since she’d warned us this would happen.  Even so, it was still kind of bittersweet to leave the old man.  We told him to take care of himself, and that we’d see him soon, and that we’d be thinking about him.  Then we headed back to the car.

I just remember driving away and watching the long rows of palm trees slide past us.  The sight was almost dreamlike— or maybe it was just the mood I was in.  Chad and I hardly said a word to each other.

We’d planned to have dinner with Ryan and Marcos, and we were tempted to cancel, but we decided to go through with it.  Marcos had suggested a beer place in Hollywood, which sounded good to me.  So we showed up early and started knocking back drinks.

“Do you think they’ll really sell the house?” Chad asked, almost out of the blue.

“I-I don’t know,” I said.  “I hope not.”

“And what does it mean for my tuition and shit?  I mean, I’m hoping they’d still pay for that, but God knows....”

“Well, we’ll find out soon enough.  Whatever happens... I mean, we’ll figure it out.”

“That’s easy for you to say.  I’m the one from the fucked-up family, remember?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond.  I did feel kind of guilty, since it was true my family had been mostly drama-free.  At the same time, I hated the thought of Chad dropping out of school, especially after all we’d been through.  “Listen,” I said, “we’re in this together.”

“Oh come on.”

“What?  It’s true.”

“You know you’re the only person who ever said that to me?”

“I mean it.”

“Uh-huh,” he said.  “You’d better.”  Then he chugged some more beer.

When we ordered our next round, we chatted a bit with the bartender.  He’d overheard us of course, so he told us he was a child of divorce himself.  Plus he said he was gay, which I hadn’t expected.  He also introduced us to a few of the others there, like another gay couple sitting nearby.

Before I knew it, Chad was telling these guys more than they probably wanted to know.  He unloaded all the shit that was bothering him, from his dad’s disapproval to his family’s refusal to acknowledge Pam’s girlfriend.  It seemed pretty cathartic for Chad to get that off his chest, even if the others didn’t know how to respond.

By the time Ryan and Marcos showed up, Chad had gotten pretty drunk.  But I couldn’t help reminding him what he’d said, about how Ryan and Marcos had made their relationship work.

“Wait, what?” Marcos asked.

“It’s true,” I replied.  “You guys are obviously doing something right.  You’ve been together a lot longer than we have.  When did you meet— like as freshmen?”

Ryan cleared his throat.  “High school actually.”

“Okay, that’s even longer than I thought—”

“It wasn’t easy though,” Ryan said, “at least in the beginning.  We met online, so we had to do the long-distance thing for ages.”

“Whatever you did, it apparently worked.”

“I guess.”

I turned to Chad.  “Remember what Thaxter said?” I asked.  “He’s been with his man since the seventies.  That’s longer than either of our parents.  In fact, they probably met around the age that you and I are now.  Not to mention Pam and her girlfriend—”

“So what’s your point?” he asked.

“I dunno... I guess if there’s a will, there’s a way.”

Chad fiddled with his coaster.  “Yeah, but my parents don’t have the will.  They’re both over it.”

I was silent at first.  I did feel weird talking this way in front of Ryan and Marcos.  I’d always thought of those guys as our fraternity brothers, albeit gay ones.  I was used to talking to them about classes and sports, but never relationships, at least not in a serious way.  Then again, they were the same dudes who’d helped Chad come out to his parents.  So I figured they were as qualified as anyone to give us advice.

“Well,” Marcos said, “if that’s how it is, it sounds like it might be for the best.”

Chad just rolled his eyes.  “Whatever,” he said.  “I just don’t want to turn out like them—”

“You don’t have to.”

“How so?”

“If your relationship’s built on trust—”

“Trust?” Chad asked.  “Now come on, if you guys fool around and stuff—”

“We do fool around,” Marcos said as he put an arm around Ryan.  “But it’s cool, cause we’ve got nothing to hide... at the end of the day, I know my boy’s gonna come home with me.”

“Hm,” Chad said.  “I’m not sure it’s that simple.”

“I’m not jealous,” Marcos said.  “I just want this dude to get what he likes.  Even if he gets it from somebody else.”

I’d never heard anyone talk like that before, so I didn’t say a word.  Part of me was impressed that Ryan and Marcos had that attitude with each other.  Granted, Chad and I had talked about sexual openness too, and he’d said something very similar about my masturbation habits.  Then again, it was one thing for Chad to be cool with me playing with myself; it was quite another for him to be cool with me playing with someone else.

“I’m not saying you need to be like us,” Marcos said.  “Just do whatever works for the two of you.  If that means being monogamous, more power to you.”

Chad and I looked at each other, but I don’t think either of us knew what to say.  At least not at that moment.

We ended up hanging out there for hours.  I actually didn’t drink that much, since I knew I’d need to drive, and Chad gradually sobered up himself.  The conversation seemed to hopscotch from one topic to another: a few times it got deep, but other times it was totally chill.

By the time we headed out, the sky had gone dark, and the lights of Hollywood Boulevard were shining around us.  Ryan and Marcos offered to let us spend the night, and we were tempted to say yes.  But we didn’t know what that might lead to, either sexually or otherwise.  Plus Chad had to work the next morning; so we gave our regrets but promised to hang out again soon.

It took Chad and me another few hours to drive back to San Diego.  When we finally got there, and we plopped into bed, that’s when Chad surrendered to his feelings.  “Oh fuck,” he said as he clutched me harder than ever before.

Before I could react, Chad’s lips were pressed hard against mine.  “Mm,” I mumbled; I wanted to say more, but at that point I couldn’t.  I just relished Chad’s warm breath against my cheek, and I savored the familiar taste of his tongue.  Our kiss got to be so deep and sensual that it made my whole body tingle.

Chad broke off the kiss, though he kept caressing my cheek with his mouth.  “I could never do without this shit....”

“You don’t have to....”

“You’d better be right,” he whispered.  “I don’t know how I’d make it without you.”

“Awww....”

“I’m serious.  When I said I didn’t want to be like my parents... I meant it.”

“Babe,” I said, “you’re nothing like them.  You’re the most— I don’t even know what the word is.”

“Trainwrecked?”

“Oh please.  You know that’s not what I was gonna say.”

“I bet you’ll try to tell me we’ll be like Thaxter someday.”

I ran my hands through Chad’s hair.  It was hard to imagine us someday being as old as Thaxter.  Not because I didn’t want to stay together; it was just weird thinking of us as old men.  “Well,” I said, “it’s what we make of it I guess.”

“Fuck, I hope so,” he said.  Then he kissed me again.

We made out for what seemed like a long time, while my hands explored Chad’s body.  Neither of us said a word, because we didn’t need to.  I knew how Chad felt about me, and I was determined not to let this man down.  He clearly needed me to be his rock, now more than ever.  And I was a hundred percent committed to him.

Eventually we rolled over in bed.  Chad pulled my clothes off till I was totally naked.  Then he got up and stripped down himself.  Finally he reached for our lube, poured a few drops on his fingers, and brought them down to my boyhole.

I barely breathed as I let him lube me up.  I knew what was coming of course, and I wasn’t about to resist.  I lifted my legs so he could got in position between them; then, a moment later, I felt his hard cock against my crack.  I relaxed all my muscles as he penetrated me.  Finally he slid in as far as he could go, I let out a loud sigh, and we started making love.

I gazed into Chad’s chestnut eyes as I savored the feeling of his manhood inside me.  His lips fluttered a little, and he let off a soft groan.  I was dying to suck his face some more, so I wrapped my arms around his back, and I pulled him into another embrace.  All the sensations seemed to blend together, from tastes to smells to sights to sounds, to the point that it was a full-body experience.  I flicked his lip with my mouth, then jousted with his tongue.  His powerful muscles kept heaving and quaking around me while his big thick dick plunged in and out of my ass.

We were in no hurry that night.  We knew we were sharing our most intimate parts, both literally and figuratively.  We didn’t exchange dirty talk that time; unlike our earlier fucks, we were in no mood to talk about other guys.  As far as I was concerned, I was all Chad’s, and he was all mine— and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I re-positioned myself so that Chad wouldn’t hit my prostate, so that we could both last longer.  Chad’s face was so close to mine that my eyes could barely focus.  Slowly but surely, beads of sweat appeared on his skin, and they greased up his body as it glided along mine.  I ran my fingers up and down his back, and I traced all its contours: all his vertebrae, all his ligaments, and everything else.  I had to do everything by feel, given the position I was in, but I knew that body even better than I knew my own.

Eventually I zeroed in on my favorite part of all, as I made my way to his ass.  First I toyed with his dimples; I would’ve loved to lick them right then, but I told myself there’d be time for that later.  Then I held his butt cheeks, which were still gyrating back and forth, and I pulled them toward me.  His penis kept ramming deep into me, over and over and over, and I responded in kind.  I moved my body in perfect synchronization with his, and I spread my legs as wide open as I could.

Finally I slid my hand in his butt crack, and I caressed the flesh inside.  His taint was as hard as a rock, but his pucker was as tender as ever.  I teased his boyhole, dabbing at it lightly, then circling my fingertips around it.

Chad’s breaths got deeper and deeper, and his rhythm got faster and faster.  I could tell he was getting close.  I responded in kind, and I entered his hole as he kept pounding mine.

“Yeah,” he said.  “Holy fuck, I love you....”  Then his face contorted as I plunged my fingers deeper inside him.  The next thing I knew, I felt him pump my ass full of cum.

“Oh baby,” I said, “I love you too.”

Before I could say another word, Chad pulled out of me, and my fingers popped out of his hole.  I was about to ask what he was doing, since I didn’t want him to stop.  But before I could, he took my dick in his mouth and started sucking me off.

“Holy shit,” was the only thing I could say.

Chad’s technique was as awesome as ever.  He knew just how to drive my body insane: he went at just the right speed, with just the right amount of suction.  Not to mention how he ran his tongue up and down my shaft, and went in spirals around my tip.  Waves of pleasure rolled through me, and they kept building and building till they finally crested—

“Oh God!” I yelped as I went over the edge.  Chad clamped his mouth down, and I promptly unloaded down his throat.

“Mm,” he mumbled as he drank up my juices.

“Fuck,” I finally said.  As my orgasm died down, I let my body sink into the bed.

Chad gave my dick a big cummy kiss.  Then he moved to his side of the bed, and he curled up beside me.  “How many years do you think we can keep this shit up?”

I nuzzled his earlobe.  “Hopefully a lot....”

“I was hoping that’d be your answer.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

He put his arms back around me.  “I don’t know,” he replied.

To be continued....