Kane

We were now 'almost tanking it' down the A303 to use Kane's words, damning with faint praise as they did. They concealed none of his real disappointment that l was reining in the Range Rover's 3 litres quite unfairly. The reality was that l was in fact doing about 10 [mph] above the limit, which is about as high as I am normally prepared to go, having made several contributions in the past to the running costs of Her Majesty's Magistrate Courts. This cut no ice with him and failed to stop Kane's exhortations to 'give it some welly'!

He'd been fascinated by the sat-nav, predictably so, l suppose. The traffic through central London had been horrendous up until just past the Heathrow junction and that first part of the journey had taken almost twice as long as I'd expected. Chatty up to that point, he'd become very quiet once the signs for the airport had started to appear regularly, and, when I asked why, he told me that his grandfather had taken him to the airport to say goodbye to his mother when she left for Africa at his father's behest. It had turned out to be the last time he'd ever seen her. A month or two later, his grandfather was no more, his beloved Nan was in a home and his father was gleefully claiming increased Income Support whilst maintaining he had no knowledge of where Kane's mother could be found. And a seven year old kid's life was now upside down, suddenly finding himself being brutalised by an alcoholic, abusive adult that he should have been able to trust.

But now, as we approached the concrete delights of the Thruxton by-pass, he'd turned restless, shifting about in his seat incessantly, grabbing the sides of his pants at the knees and attempting to pull them down a little.

'What's up with you? Your trouser-snake getting restless? Or small bladder and you just need a wee? I can stop ....'

I glanced down at his lap. Judging by its shape, his trouser-snake was indeed restless, having snaked a good way down his left thigh. And with the tight legs of his jeans, quite noticeably so too!

'Ha ha! Looks uncomfortable, Big Boy!' I teased.

'Ha ha! You can laugh! There weren't no underwear in them clothes you gave me and whenever there's a bump in the road, he rubs against the seams!!'

'Oh, that's what it is, is it? Nothing to do with bumps against your hand, of course! And by 'bumps', l mean 'rubs'. 

I was laying the ironic tone of voice on thickly.

He sniggered. 

'Ha ha!! Well, it is true he ain't seen much action recently! My last lot of punters weren't nothing for him to get excited about!'

I heard the sound of a zip being undone. Then out of the corner of my eye, movements that indicated he'd popped the button at his waist and turned down the right and left flaps of his trousers.

'That feels much better!'

'Kane? What're you doing now?'

'Just getting comfortable! Hee hee!'

I checked the rearview mirror, my wing mirror and on his side too. Nothing close. I stole a glance across at his lap, eagerly I'll admit, and he had taken his dick out and it was draped over his right thigh!! For now!

'Kane! You are a baaaaaad boy!'

'And, you forgot to mention, I'm a horny boy! Real horny!' He started stroking himself, laughing.

'Kane!!!'

I looked in the rearview mirror and, as there was nobody close enough to rear-end us, I hit the brakes. Hard. He jerked forward against the seatbelt.

'Shit! You bastard! Do that again ... actually, no, do that again and again ... and I'll aim trouser-snakey at you! Some of my customers pay good money for that by the way!'

I laughed out loud. Eyes back on the road though.

'Ok. Ok. You win. I surrender! Let's go buy you some reinforced undies to keep Kane's Cobra from spitting all over the dashboard!'

'Dashboard! I'm insulted now!!! I bet I could hit the windscreen!'

'Don't you dare! I'm not cleaning up after you!'

I hit the indicator for the exit, still laughing. 

'Salisbury, here we come! Let King Cobra calm down and see if you can keep your hand busy finding a shopping centre on the Sat-Nav instead!'

I needn't have worried. Within barely a minute, Kane had found the 'Old George Mall' which had parking, he announced smugly. It was then, as he tucked himself back in, that I made my 'Mistake of the Day'!

'Young Kane goes shopping with Old Ben at the Old George', I joked. 

For the rest of the afternoon, he took the piss! Seats reserved for OAPs were pointed out to me. Assistants were asked in the sweetest, most innocent of voices if there happened to be a discount for pensioners. He had me in hysterics when he said he wanted to complain to Debenhams because they didn't provide mobility scooters for shoppers like me and then threatened to mug an 80 year old to give me hers!!

First stop was Sports Direct as his trainers were falling apart but it was absolutely packed so we left it for the time being and headed off to the men's department of Debenhams. I have to say l was good though when it came to his buying his underwear. I would have loved to help him choose but instead I sat and waited and imagined at a distance. Prayed too maybe ... 'white briefs, please god, white briefs!'. 

l certainly didn't hold back when we bought jeans, casual shirts, tshirts and a decent coat ... 'you'll need a thick one for going on a cliff walk!'. At first, he baulked at the amounts but I ignored him, carried blithely on and eventually he just stopped protesting.

We went for food in a fairly run of the mill pizzeria that turned out to be a lucky choice as it suddenly became very popular about 5 mins after we got a table. People coming in on their lunch breaks l suppose. We demolished the first course and it was as I came back from the bathroom that l realised more the reality of being Kane. He looked almost as miserable as when he'd been talking about his Mum. At first, l couldn't see what the reason for the slumped resignation might be. But then it dawned on me. What does everybody do now when left alone at a table in a restaurant? Reach for their mobile! But instead of being able to do like the other half dozen solitary diners and check on Facebook and Instagram and whatever, Kane couldn't. He had no alternative other than to look at them tapping and scrolling away merrily or to stare at the shop directly ahead of him. The Carphone Warehouse. Nothing could possibly scream 'You're nothing!' more loudly to someone his age! He looked as miserable as miserable can be and the decision was taken there and then for me. But l had to get rid of him for a bit first!

The pizzas followed the bruschetta. Dessert was declined in my case alone in favour of a coffee but when our meal was finished, I told him go pick himself out some trainers and l'd meet him there in half an hour as l needed to pop into the Bank next door. 'And I need another quick pee here!', l added, knowing full well it would reignite the running joke of the day about pensioners and dodgy bladders. Anything to make him less suspicious of me leaving him alone. It allowed me, unseen, to observe him and check he was headed away from me. I watched with relief as he deliberately turned his back on the Carphone Warehouse and marched back down in the other direction towards the busy sports shop where we'd looked at trainers previously.

Twenty minutes later, l left the Carphone Warehouse with the same type of phone as I had, just the more recent version. I'd also bought a PAYG Sim card and a cheap phone cover as a stop gap too! I'd seen his soft, dark eyes had almost popped out on stalks at breakfast when he saw mine had a stylus ... two gadgets in one! He'd fallen in love there and then! I shoved my purchases in one of the clothes bags and went off to track him down, happy with my plotting.