Kane

The next week or so was strange. I didn't want his revelation to become the only topic of conversation between us but then again l didn't want it to be the elephant in the room either. Most times, if the conversation went in that direction, l let it but l always tried to ensure that tangents cropped up regularly so the topic could veer off onto something else if it looked like it was getting too heavy or upsetting for him.

If I'm honest, Kane did exactly the same with me as, little by little, we tackled clearing out Michael's possessions. He'd try to switch the subject to his swimming lessons or the car or Missy if he could see I was getting upset sorting out books in the lounge or especially, clothes in the main bedroom. When I walked in to find Michael's underwear drawers already emptied and realised therefore that l didn't have to pick up Michael's boxers, jockstraps, speedos, that l didn't have to contend with bagging up all these intensely intimate items of his, well the relief was massive. I've no idea how he got rid of them and don't want to either.

Initially, the practical side of me had felt that l wanted Kane to pick anything he liked from Michael's shirts, jeans, etc. Then, I thought that in fact, seeing him wearing something that had been Michael's would be too painful a reminder and that if there was something he did fancy, l could just buy him his own anyway! I had the money to. Grief and indecision go hand in hand! Finally, l came round to the idea that actually Kane wearing Michael's belt or jacket should serve to bring back memories of happy times rather than be reminders that he was gone. In the end, he kept a couple of belts, another pair of jeans and a seriously nice dark red jacket. The rest went to the clothes bank. I insisted that we keep a dinner suit and formal shirt too, 'just in case', even though Kane looked at me as if I'd gone utterly barking!

'You ain't never gonna see me wear that!'

Eyes wide and eyebrows up near the ceiling.

'I ain't no fancy penguin! That's for all you white boys!'

Then he giggled like he'd been inhaling laughing gas! He was so captivating, even with clothes on.

My elephant was the one room I hadn't stepped into at all in the weeks since we'd arrived in Cornwall. Michael's study, opposite our bedroom. Hadn't even put a hand on the door handle. In the same way l had my studio to retreat to, he'd had his study. On the rare occasions we had a barney, l knew a closed door meant he was still wound up and didn't want to make up yet! Otherwise, the damn door remained open even when he was chewing the ear off a lawyer or builder or negotiating with this bank or that finance.

In the end, it was his lawyer, our lawyer, who forced the issue when she called to ask for documents that Michael had told her were in an envelope in his safe.

'What is it in the envelope?'

'Ben, he didn't tell me. I won't know until you get it.'

'Anna, I don't know the combination! I really don't! I just don't!!'

'Ben, I'm sorry, I know this is painful. I can only imagine how. But Michael said if l hadn't heard from you in a month after ... , l should ring you and if you still said you didn't know the combination to tell you it was a date and just to guess!'

I actually felt angry then. That he knew so damn well how I would wriggle and try to find the nearest excuse. I slammed down the phone and promptly burst into tears.
Kane had his hands in the sink as he was washing up the pans and had had no choice but to overhear, since l'd stayed in the kitchen. He stopped, dried his hands and said:

'It could do with a soak, that one!'

He gave me a huge hug, went and took me aback somewhat by pouring me a large gin and handing it to me:

'It's a good job you're not a tranny, 'coz your mascara would've run!'

I laughed.

'Thanks for the gin, you transphobic bastard!'

'Drink up and shut up!'

As soon as I'd had a mouthful, he gave me a kiss on the forehead, walked over and calmly opened the door to Michael's study.

'If the lawyer phoned, it's gotta be important! Do it now, otherwise it's just gonna get worse, Ben!'

He stood at the door while my feet somehow took me over to where he was. The room exactly as Michael had left it. Tidy only because, realistic as ever, he'd wound down things on the business front ever since the consultant had delivered the prognosis. I honestly couldn't understand what documents Anna would need as we'd supposedly sorted out all the legal stuff with her so the companies could run themselves basically with minimal input from me.

He stayed at the door watching me at an angle purposely so he couldn't see as I sat on the floor and punched in the combination. Zero, two, one, one. The date of our first date. I'd known it would be that even before poor Anna had said it would be a date. It couldn't be anything other. We'd used it on all major bank accounts and credit cards since it was a date known only to us. The heavy safe door swung open and the very first thing l saw, in front of a couple of box files and jewellery boxes was an envelope with my name on it. In his handwriting.

'It's Michael's scrawl! I'd know it anywhere!' I said, looking up at Kane.

'You need to open it.'

'I know. I know! Get my drink while I sit up., eh? Floor's not great for this sort of thing!'

By the time l was up and parked in Michael's chair, my drink was on the desk and Kane was back, leaning against the door jam again.

'Go on! You owe it him!'

I took the silver paper knife I'd given him one Christmas and slit the envelope open neatly. He'd used the thick, expensive stationery, 'the good stuff' as he called it, the one 'for clients, not for the bank!'

I looked up at Kane, more to say 'I'm doing it!' than for reassurance, l think, but he was gone, somehow sensing I was going to see it through now and that l needed privacy. I unfolded the single sheet of heavy cream paper ...

Ben, I'm sorry. For leaving you alone. For catching this stupid cancer. For not beating it. But however much l love you, however much l don't want to leave you, my life is about to end. Our life together is about to finish. There's nothing you or l can do to stop that. But your life isn't over. Your life will carry on and that makes me so happy. But I want, more than anything right now, for your life after me to be as happy as my life has been with you. I pray you meet someone else to love you, annoy you, make you laugh. I don't want you to pass up on that because of me, so, regardless of when that chance comes along, l want you just to go for it! (Maybe not on the way back from the funeral though!). Otherwise, l will haunt you!
I love you.

Michael
XX