Kane

We were in the hot tub on the terrace in front of the main bedroom, looking out over the garden as it sloped off down to the cliff edge, with the town and sea past that. Not that either of us were really able to appreciate that much of the view over the side of the tub to be frank! Although Cornwall might be called the English Riviera, in April you keep just your head above the water if you're outside, skinny-dipping, in a hot tub in the evenings. Occasionally, a torso would pop up to get a better view of the beautiful sunset over the port but that was it! However at ease we might now feel being starkers in front of each other, there was just too great a risk of goose-pimples being larger than nipples otherwise!

I'd got my own back for the OAP jokes I'd been subjected to in Salisbury. When I'd come back from the toilet, the oven had just started beeping away insistantly and put poor Kane into a bit of a panic. I had kept a straight face when he queried this, saying:

 'I never saw you switch it on or put food in it?'

My response was that it was automatic like with the garage door.

'As soon as the door senses the car arriving, it opens up! The oven is the same and put food in and started cooking when it sensed I was on the way!'

He'd looked at me and then the oven. He'd examined the oven, not really believing me. But, the damn thing was on and it was true that he'd seen  the garage sense the car arriving so that was definitely possible but this?

'Seriously? How'd the dish get in though?'

'Through the hatch in the back from the pantry!'

He chased me around the breakfast bar twice when he came back from checking the pantry to find me doubled-up with laughter!

'My revenge for the pensioner jokes! I messaged the housekeeper to pop round and put it on! I got you good though ... admit it!'

'You're a mean bastard to wind up a poor homeless lad who wouldn't know any different!'

'Ok. Ok. The app on the phone can switch on the oven, dishwasher and washing machine ... and the heating ... but obviously someone still needs to put stuff in for them to wash or cook!'

He looked at me, head to one side as if thinking hard: 

'Mmm, l suppose you could slip and drown in the swimming pool??'

I laughed. 'Not on an empty stomach! Let's eat first!'

And so, after gorging ourselves royally on an all-in-one-pot casserole and an emergency salad, we were now chatting away in the hot tub and aiming for the wrinkled old prune look in my case. He'd fairly interrogated me on how Michael had pursued me when I came to work for him twenty five odd years ago and how my family had basically disowned me when l came out as gay. We'd also laughed until we cried at his stories about some of his punters not being able to deliver the goods or almost being caught at the crucial moment!!

When he announced he was getting out for a pee and leapt out over the side, I got out too, although without the same display of athleticism, saying l also needed the toilet. I didn't. I just wanted to refill my glass without his seeing. But instead I got a sharp slap on the butt as he came back quicker than expected and caught me red-handed pouring myself a rather large second gin.

'I told you before it was ok! I'd even've got it for you! So long as you don't ask me to pour whisky ... l can't take the smell! I don't mind you drinking ... you don't drink so much and even if you did get totally pissed, I don't reckon that you'd do what he used to!'

The habitual smile was gone, instead his face betrayed an agitation that he was only just mastering. I looked at him wondering where the hell that had come from and knew there was more he wanted to, maybe even needed to say but, not knowing how to get him open up further, I just looked at him expectantly.

But he just sighed. 'Let's go to bed! I know it's early but I'm knackered. I wanna fall asleep in front of a movie.'

'Ok, if you want. I just got to put the cover on the hot-tub first or we'll see next door's cat floating in there tomorrow morning! Can you lock the front door?'

I went back to the terrace, my mind whirring and soon had the cover replaced and the door to the terrace locked safely in record time. Leaving all thoughts of my gin behind, l walked slowly to the end bedroom, wracking my brains as to what he'd been referring to.

Kane was in the bed and lying on his side with his back to me, facing the window rather than the TV. He didn't seem to stir at all as l slipped under the covers, suddenly acutely aware again how naked we both were and how intimate climbing into the same bed was. Propped up on one elbow, l leant forward, and, as the one eye l could see was still closed, l kissed him goodnight lightly on his shoulder, conscious l was strangely pleased he was asleep and wouldn't see my sudden discomfort. Or perhaps also how attached to him l was becoming.

He rolled onto his back in that instant, eyes now wide and white and staring, scaring me a little if the truth be told. He stared straight up at the ceiling and then his head turned slowly and eyes bored into me.

'He raped me, Ben.'

The words sliced into me.

'He raped his own kid. Again and again and again and again.'

It was like I'd been picked up and slammed bodily into a wall of ice. Again and again and again. My skin turned to goose pimples and l froze.

Silence. 

The same awful silence that followed the consultant's words to Michael and me.
God only knows how long it lasted. It seemed like we were staring at each other for ages but it can't have been. God only knows either how I had, eventually, had the presence of mind to reach out and grab his right hand, for that broke the dam and released the tears. He folded into me and cried like I've never heard, and never again want to hear, a human being cry. I held him tight against my chest, squeezing the child to me in a feeble attempt to provide a minuscule grain of comfort. My arm hurt and still I held him, forcing the rage l felt back inside where l could slam the lid down on it and keep it concealed from him.

It took time but eventually the shuddering lessened and his hands wiped tears from his face. I passed him a box of Kleenex and he blew his nose. I quickly wiped my eyes on the pillow without him seeing.

'I'm so-so-sorry!' He could barely get the words out.

'Shush with that! You don't have to be sorry. And you don't have to say anything ... if you don't want to, Kane.'

'I d-do want t-to. I've n-never told anyone before, n-never had anyone to listen.'

Any concern I might have felt at him knowing my attachment had been killed dead by the pain of his revelation.

'I'm here, I'm here. It's ok now. You're ok now. He can't hurt you anymore.'

'I know. I tell myself that every single day but I'm fed up of carrying this secret alone. I've tried to keep it locked up but l can't anymore.'

'You've broken the spell now! You've done it!' I smiled. I gave a little laugh. The same way you might congratulate someone who'd just broken a personal record in a race but didn't quite believe it! Trying to show confidence? Demonstrate a new chapter?

He smiled at me. Weakly.

'You've told someone! That's a big step. No, a fucking huge step!'

The smile broadened. But seconds later was gone.

'But do you believe me? That I didn't want that? I didn't! I shouldn't have been wanking like that. He was right.'

'Now look!' I looked at him dead in the eyes, 'Yes, l believe you. 100%. But get this straight?! Wanking has NOTHING to do with it! He was WRONG. 100% WRONG. NO man has the right to do that to ANYONE, least of all to a child! EVER!'

'But I was fingering my hole. He said that made it my fault, that I was asking for it! But I wasn't, I wasn't!' He started crying again, 'That I needed to be punished! That if l told, the punishment would be ten times as bad!'

'No, you didn't!! He was bad, not you! It was NOT your fault, Kane! Listen to me, not him!'

'He just lay on top of me and forced it in! It hurt SO bad. I tried to fight back but he was too heavy. He just laughed in my ear and went faster! And his breath!! Oh my god, the whisky ... I can smell it now! I was so scared! The other times, afterwards, l never used to show him l was scared but l was. I hid it inside!'

'It's over now.' I looked at him, as calmly as l could. 'Kane, you won!' I said matter of factly.

'What?'

'You've won. You've told. You're here. He's the one who's gone. He was the alcoholic. You'll never be! You've beaten him!'

'You think so?'

'I know so! And you can't argue with me! Respect for the elderly, remember!'

He grinned, tucked himself into my shoulder and fell silent. Enough had been said. It was only much later, when I was sure he was sleeping, that I allowed my tears to fall quietly.