Steve Speaks
Yeah, so, my stepbrother said I had to tell you what was going on with me. You remember that evening I had with the two of them? That was something. Really something else. I hadn't expecting that to happen. To be fucked by my Mark was one thing, but when Trevor got behind me and slid his huge dick in slower than I ever thought possible? That was new ground. And it was awesome. I mean out of this world. I never once imagined that being fucked by a guy could feel thatgood. Don't get me wrong. When Mark does me it's great, it's like this thing the cements us together, guy to guy. But Trevor opened up a whole world of possibilities I didn't see coming.
So I guess I'm not as straight as I thought I was. But I bet you guessed that already, didn't you? Fuck.
Because I do like sex with women. I really do. With Susan it was always amazing. Really hot. And she gives as good as she gets. We have the best time and I totally love her. I wanted to marry her, for fuck's sake. But this? This really messed with my mind. Oh, it's not like I want to suddenly have a throuple with Mark and Trevor, like I'm in love with them or something. No way. But the feel of being...I don't know what the word is...taken, by Trevor? Fucked in that way? So deep, so intense, so full-on? That made me pause. You know why? Because I wanted more of it. And not from them, but from guys in general. I wanted guys in a way I never imagined wanting them. And that, since I was almost twenty-one and presumed I was straight, was messing with my head.
And to repeat, I knew that I still was into women, into Susan. I wasn't fooling myself or anything. But I guess realizing I was totally bi was something I hadn't ever thought possible. I mean, this thing with Mark just felt...brotherly, I guess, if that's not too pervy. Like it was beyond sexuality and just about being close. But I guess it wasn't just that, was it?
So when I woke up the morning after the three of us fucked, I lay in their bed. Mark was beside me, with Trevor all wrapped around him. Mark's dick was hard as iron and squished into my thigh. I turned and my cock – equally hard – connected with his. I stroked us just like we did in the closet at the pub, and Mark opened his eyes and just looked at me. I stroked us to a short, sharp explosion and we spewed cum all over the bed and my hand. It was then that I realized that Trevor was fucking him. I hadn't even noticed. I watched them until Trevor came just as explosively and fast. The three of us just lay there. It's like we had been stunned.
It was great and all, but I knew I had to leave. I knew that I needed to reckon with Susan about what I had realized by spending the night with these two. I gave Mark my hand to clean off – which I know he loves – and pulled myself out of the bed. I saluted as if I was in the navy and went to the shower and cleaned myself off. I had been able to be there the previous night because Susan was at her sister's place in O and wouldn't be back until the afternoon, so I had plenty of time.
Yeah, so I hadn't told Susan what I was doing. She thought I stayed home with the cat and watched a movie. I just couldn't tell her. I was afraid she would freak. And you know what? I think she would have been right to. I realized I missed her because she was the person I told everything to. All my worries and uncertainties. So the person I most wanted to talk to was the very person I didn't think I could.
When I got home and fed the cat, I sat on the sofa, wondering what to do. I sat there all morning, and into the afternoon. I watched TV, I tried to read a book for a course, I fretted and squirmed and when Susan finally came in the door, I was totally beside myself. You probably think I'm this chill dude which, mostly, I am. But not in that moment? No way.
Susan knew right away that something was up. She's like Trevor. She doesn't miss a thing. Is there some course that people take to be all-knowing partners or some damn thing?
She sat down beside me on the sofa and took my hand. “What's up, Steve?”
I swallowed, not sure where to begin. I finally said, “I went to Mark and Trevor's last night...”
“Oh yeah, how are they?” She seemed not to get there was more.
“Um, fine, I guess. The thing is, Susan,” and I took a deep breath, “I totally had sex with them. Both of them. Like, full participation.”
She just looked at me a second as if I was speaking another language. Then she swallowed and said, “So...you had sex with both of them? Like, willingly?”
“Yeah. Willingly. And I liked it. A lot. I guess I have to accept that I'm totally bi. It doesn't change how I feel about you, about wanting to fuck you. And I'm in love with you. But I guess I'm into dudes way more than I thought possible.”
She was silent and it was killing me. I could see there was a whole lot going on in her head. She finally let go of my hand which felt agonizing. “So what does this mean, Steve? About us? Anything? I don't see why it has to.”
She was right, of course. It didn't have to mean anything about us. But it did. That was the fucking hard part. I said, “Yeah, so that's true and all. But what I realized when I was with them – and I won't bore you with the details – was,” and this was the hard part, the part I was scared to think much less say, “I kind of want to explore more. With guys. I mean I never have before except with Mark. But when Trevor was there all naked and involved...I suddenly saw a world I didn't know was there that I wanted to know more about. Guys. In general.”
I had said it all in a rush because I wanted to get it out in the open. But I knew I was taking a huge risk. She didn't say a word for a minute. I looked at my hands, the same ones that had been all over Mark and Trevor a few hours before. Fuck life sucks sometimes.
She finally said, “In general. Guys. You want to fuck guys. Exclusively?”
That was a good question. So what was the answer? How could I explain this to her? I felt myself trying not to cry. I don't cry. Like, ever. But just then, I wanted to. I wanted to put my head on her shoulder and bawl my eyes out. Because I knew what the answer was. I looked at her, trying to hold myself together and said, real quiet, “Yes. For now. I want to find out what it's like to be with guys.”
She looked angry, which I totally got. She said, “But Mark...”
I cut her off. “No. That's different. That was just the beginning, I realize. Susan...I'm looking at guys in a whole new way. And not just looking. I want to be with them, have sex with them...maybe more...” I realized what I was saying as I said the words. It was the more part. What would it be like to fall in love with a guy? I had never experienced that before. But I could see she was in a lot of pain so I said, “And it's not like I stopped loving you or stopped being attracted to you, but this thing with guys just feels more important to me right now. I know that sounds like I'm saying I don't love you, but it's not true. But I think I need to do this or I won't be happy. I'll be hanging around Trevor and Mark's place looking for something they can't offer me. And you wouldn't be happy with me.”
I stopped because I could tell by the look on her face that she was pissed and had decided something for herself. Fair enough. She got off the sofa and stood there, clenching her hands, her face red and blotchy. “Fuck you, Steve. Just fuck you. Get the hell out of here. I can't look at you right now.”
I managed to say, “I...”
But she wouldn't let me. “Fucking get out. Get your clothes and your stupid ass out of this place.”
So that was it. I had no idea where I would go. I called Mark and they let me crash on their sofa for a few days. No sex, by the way. Just sleep. They were sweet to me and helped me figure out what to do. I called the university and asked for a deferment. I called Mark's cousin Josh in Vancouver and asked him if I could crash at his place for a few days while I looked for somewhere to live there and then I bought a plane ticket.
Why Vancouver? I guess I wanted to get as far away as I could from Susan. I wanted to feel that if I was going to explore this part of myself, I needed her to be nowhere near me.
One thing you should know about me that is different than Mark is once I decide something, I don't hesitate. I just do it. I ask questions later. So in the space of a week, I found myself standing at Josh's apartment door in North Vancouver, knocking. Like I said, I move fast.
I hadn't seen Josh in a year, not since the previous Christmas when he came through Ontario and he and Mark and I had had a nice dinner at our parents' place. Cool dude. He's like thirty and works in tech doing some damn thing with programming. That's the extent of my knowledge of his job. But I've always liked him. He was so cool when Mark came out, totally un-fussed. Their whole family was cool about it. Not all families are.
When Josh opened the door, I was reminded how much he looked like Mark and his mom. Same brown eyes, same wavy brown hair. Except he has a bit of his father so he's taller and slimmer and has more facial hair which he obviously curates into a cool scruff that, now that I was letting myself admire guys, was really sexy. That kind of thought I was still getting used to.
I had sat, for instance, on the plane to Vancouver and there was this dude a few rows up on the other side of the aisle who I couldn't help but check out. At first I was just looking at him, but after a while, I realized I was really looking at him, admiring his sinewy arms, his strong jaw and I was startled. I was startled that I felt like I wanted him, I wanted to get in his pants. What the fuck? I was not used to it. I guess I had been repressing something. I'm sure you'd figured this out by now, but I'm a bit slow about these things, apparently.
At the same time, I realized I wanted to tell Susan about it. How fucked up is that? Again, she's the last person on the planet who would want to hear about the ways I was lusting after some dude. I missed her. Maybe that's why I repressed it. I had these relationships with women – like Susan – and I guess I somehow felt if I let myself really look at guys I was being disloyal, or something. Maybe if my first sexual experience had been with a guy, things would have been different.
When the guy turned at one point and caught me checking him out, he gave me a sly smile and raised his eyebrows, as if to ask me what was coming next. I kind of freaked and looked at my phone and I couldn't look at him again for the rest of the flight. In the airport, he walked by me and gave me one more look, as if to really check if I was interested or not. But I just couldn't. Not yet. It was like I had a new skin and had to learn to live in it before I could actually go out in the world as myself. For the first time I realized how young and inexperienced I really was. What did I know? It almost annoyed me that my stepbrother seemed to have it all figured out.
Josh gave me a big smile when he opened the door and said, “Steve, buddy! I'm so glad to see you.”
He pulled me in for a nice hug and I almost started to cry again. When he stepped back he saw that things were not all sunshine and rose for me. “Hey, man. What's up?”
I sighed and said, “I didn't tell you the whole story of why I'm here. Get me a beer.”
He planted me on the sofa and got us some beer. His place was really nice. Big windows overlooking Burrard Inlet, nice modern furniture, real art. My step-cousin was doing well for himself.
He handed me the beer and sat down. He clinked glasses and I took a big swig. He sat back, just looking at me, waiting. I finally put the bottle down and said, “So I told you Susan and I broke up right?”
He nodded and sipped his beer, looking at me over the top of his bottle.
I continued, feeling stupid. “Well actually, she threw me out.”
He looked puzzled and said, “Threw you out why...?”
Yeah, of course he would need to know that. I said, “Because I slept with someone.” He had no idea how complicated thatstatement was. I didn't feel ready to tell him the whole story. Not yet.
“What the fuck, dude? Susan is awesome. Why would you mess that up?”
I picked up my beer so I had something to hold. “Because...the person I slept with is a guy.”
He raised his eyebrows, then said, “Right. A bit of a surprise there, Steve. But no big deal. So you're bi. So am I.”
I looked at him, kind of stunned. “You are?”
Josh grinned at me and said, “Yeah. Not many people in the family know. Only Mark and my parents. But it's cool. You're in good company.” He took another sip of beer, looking at me thoughtfully. Then he said, “So you hooked up with a guy...so you and Susan aren't open, I assume, otherwise this would be no big deal, right?”
I was still processing the fact that Josh was bi. Interesting. But the conversation was going faster than I wanted. But I pressed on, wincing inside. “Yeah. No big deal.”
He looked confused again. He said, “What aren't you telling me?”
I had no idea Josh was so perceptive. I was getting sick of perceptive guys. We're supposed to be dense and insensitive, aren't we? In any case, I said, “Ok. This part is going to fuck you up. So Mark...he and I...kinda started hooking up a few months ago. It was way fun but fucked up, I know. And eventually Trevor suggested we have a threeway. The thing is, Josh, Susan was actually cool with Mark and I getting together, believe it or not. But with Trevor? She couldn't deal. I know, I know, you'd expect it to be the other way around, but I think if it was just Mark it was less threatening, or something. Like it didn't mean anything. But you know what? She was wrong. Because I realize I wanted to try having sex with guys. I just didn't let myself.”
I had said a lot and Josh looked kind of stunned. He gulped his beer and shook his head and looked out the window. For a second, I thought he was going to throw me out. I felt like a freak. He got up and went to a little desk in the corner of the room and pulled out what I realized was a little pipe and filled it from a pouch. He was going to get us stoned. I wasn't sure that was a good idea, but what the fuck? Why not?
Once he lit it, he took a big drag and handed it to me. I puffed a few times, then he did it again. He put the pipe down on the glass coffee table and said, “Ok, now I can think. So you boned your step-brother and Trevor and the only problem Susan had was the fact that Trevor was part of it? Like you sucked his cock, or something? He fucked you? Is that why she was pissed?”
One thing about Josh is he can be just as blunt as I can. But I nodded. “Yeah. That's about it.”
He shook his head and took another puff. My head was starting to swim a bit. He looked at me with something like pity. “Steve, man, that's so fucked up. Not the getting it on with Mark part even thought that's kind of unexpected, but the weird double standard Susan has. You can suck off your step-brother, but not some other guy? What the fuck is the difference?”
He had a good point. “I don't know...I hadn't thought about it that way.”
“Dude, she's not making any sense. And frankly, I can more see her tossing you out because you fucked Mark not Trevor. What's her deal?”
Again, it was a good point. I didn't have anything to say.
It was quiet for a moment and Josh just looked at me, an annoyed expression on his face. He got up and got us some more beer. When he sat down he surprised me. “So tell me...what's it like to fuck Mark?”
I wasn't sure what to say, but I said, “Uh...like fucking a dude? I assume you've fucked a few?”
He laughed and said, “Yeah, my last partner was a guy. A real shit, but we had great sex. No, I mean, what's he like in the sack, so to speak. I'm asking, because I've always had a little crush on him.”
I raised my eyebrows really high. I said, “So you have actual incestuous fantasies about your cousin, but I'm the one who's all worried about fucking my step-brother who I'm not related to at all? What the hell?” I looked out the big window at the sky which was getting darker as the afternoon waned.
I looked back at Josh and he shook his head. “Yeah, well, that doesn't matter. Just fantasies. We all have them. What matters is you came across the country to get away from a really weird situation.”
He reached over and grabbed my shoulder in that guy sort of way, expressing sympathy and all that. And it felt really nice. “Thanks, Josh. It's good to have someone on the outside be on my side.”
He grinned and said, “Tell you what. Let's go out for a nice dinner – my treat – and get a bit drunk. Maybe you can forget your troubled for a while. What do you say?”
That sounded really good to me. “You're on!”
So we went to this little Italian place near his house and ate pasta and a whole lot of red wine. Josh is a brainy guy and talked a lot about tech stuff which I know almost nothing about. But he also asked me about my plans for university now that I had deferred my degree, which was meant to be Sociology.
“Josh, I have no idea what to do. I think I'm going to just work for a while and see what happens. Maybe I'll get inspired.”
He shook his head and ate some gelato that had just arrived at the table. “Yeah, I get it. My degree's in English, if you can believe it. Nothing to do with my job, right? Don't sweat it.”
I was reminded that he was ten years my senior and it showed. And I realized I found his experience of life reassuring. It's hard these days for someone my age to find a mentor and in that moment, Josh was being one. So I realized I had time, and eventually I would figure things out. For about the tenth time I said, “Thanks, Josh...”
He cut me off. “Dude! Stop thanking me! You're family. I want to help.”
So I shut up and we finished our gelato and left, walking through a damp night. I was tired from everything that had happened in the last few days, and when we got to his place, he put me in the spare room and I was asleep in no time.
I woke up a few hours later, my throat dry and having to pee like a fucking racehorse. I walked to the bathroom and stood, watching a seemingly endless stream. I left the bathroom and realized I was naked, but decided it didn't matter since I assumed Josh was asleep, but then when I glanced into the living room, there was a pale blue light and I could see the top of his head over the back of the sofa.
I assumed he knew I was up so I stepped closer and said, “Still up?” I could see a laptop on the coffee table.
He turned and I could just see his face in the dim light, but I could also see on the screen a guy fucking another guy from behind who was fucking a woman at the same time. That got my interest. He laughed and said, “You caught me. I couldn't sleep and I find that a little me time tends to help. Wanna join?”
I suddenly felt bashful and embarrassed. Getting it on with Mark was one thing. Being fucked by Trevor was another. But this? With Josh? Jerking off together? The whole bi thing was still blowing my circuits. But then I thought that maybe he just wanted someone to rub one out with, nothing more. He must have clocked that my head was full of stuff and he said, “Come on...just a quick one. No one gets hurt.”
So I walked over, feeling stupid, and sat down beside him. He was naked as well and his cock was, obviously, hard as rock. And big. Maybe not Trevor big, but very impressive. He handed me a bottle of lube and without a word turned back to the screen where the three were still going at it. It was one of those European bi scenes where the lights are way bright and each of the people was gorgeous. The guy fucking the guy was blonde and built. The guy he was fucking was slimmer and dark and the woman was a little skinny with enormous tits. Kind of ridiculous. I hate that shit. I like more natural scenes with real-looking people. But you know what? Once my cock came to attention, I realized I was way more interested in Josh than what was on the screen. I kept looked over at his dick and the way he was stroking himself. I could feel the heat of his body beside me which made me even more excited.
He glanced at me at one point and gave me a big grin. “Nice cock, Steve...” And he reached over and put his fist around it. I gasped, not expecting it but it's not like I would stop him, right?
He stroked me for a while at the same time as he kept his own hand busy on himself. Then I started to feel awkward, so I leaned closer so our shoulders were in contact and grabbed his dick. “Do you mind...?”
Josh laughed and said, “Fuck no!” And he slid a little closer to me so our bodies were in contact from shoulder to hip. We stroked each other and eventually, our heads were leaning against each other. I could feel his breath on my shoulder. I suddenly felt his lips on my forehead and he started to kiss my face, then I turned my head and kissed him back, our lips going all slurpy and wet, our mouths opening to each other's tongues.
I started to feel unleashed and whatever hesitations I had disappeared. I got up and sat in his lap, stroking my cock but not sure what to do. He looked up at me and smiled. I could feel his dick underneath my balls, all hot and throbbing. I said, feeling daring, “You want to fuck me?”
Raising his eyebrows he said, “You sure?”
Even though I wasn't completely sure if it was a good idea, I said, “Yeah. I'm sure. I like being fucked, Josh. I'm really getting to like it.”
He laughed and pushed me off him. He stood up and took my hand and we went into his bedroom where he pulled me on the bed. He took my face in his hands and kissed me a few times, almost experimentally, just to see what I tasted like or something. I took hold of his cock and stroked, enjoying the girth of him, the length of him, so different than Trevor or Mark. Then he said, “Get up there...on your knees.”
He pointed to the head of the bed. I was getting excited, although I was still feeling like this was crazy, but I decided I didn't care. This was the point of my being in Vancouver after all. To get to know what guy sex was all about. And this was clearly about guys and their cocks because Josh got up behind me and started to push his cock with little thrusts into my ass. I could feel he had lubed himself up because his hands on my back were all sticky.
He pushed a little harder and he passed through my tight ring and I made some noise. He stopped and said, “You ok?”
“Fuck, yeah, Josh! Don't stop.”
With a chuckle, he pushed a little harder and said, “You're a fast learner, I guess. Or Mark is a very good teacher.”
It was my turn to laugh and I said, “Both, I think. And Trevor, too. He's got the biggest cock I've ever seen. Fuck it was intense. Almost this intense.”
I turned and Josh sort of kissed me, and began to jam himself into me. He didn't use too much force, but just enough. I was leaning against the wall but then used one of my hands to jerk myself off while feeling all that hard flesh in my ass, in my body. Each time he pushed into me, my body flexed forward and had to almost yelp it was so intense. I was riding the line between amazing pleasure and the beginnings of something painful, but it never quite crossed the line.
He fucked me hard, and then harder, the force of him like a crazy rhythm and I pumped my cock in time, and after a while, his body made this slapping noise against my ass. I could smell our bodies being sweaty. But then he pulled out and said, “Get on your back.”
I liked the take-charge tone of his voice, so I flipped over and lay down looking up at him. He laughed, and put my legs over his shoulders and pushed back so he was essentially fucking me from above, my cock almost pointing down. I kept up the motion of my fist on my dick and he resumed reaming me. That's not a euphemism. It really felt like he was widening my hole his cock was so thick. He started to get his hips working and each time he fucked, my whole body was pressed into the bed.
I could feel the intensity increasing and suddenly it felt like I was sliding down a long slippery slope and my body was taken over by an explosion and a long stream of cum erupted from me, streaming down my chest, on my neck, splattering on my face. He laughed and groaned at the same time and with a few titanic fucks that almost hurt my back, I could tell he was giving me a load.
I realized I did hurt, so I pushed him off me so he fell on his back. I collapsed beside him and we just lay there trying to catch our breath. I looked down and his cock was wet and still hard, splotched with his cum, almost pulsing. I leaned down and licked it off, enjoying that big muscle. He pulled me up and we kissed, then he licked the cum off my face. He growled in my ear, “Fuck, Steve. I wish we had done this sooner. It would have made some of those family Christmases way more fun!”
I leaned back, grinning like an idiot. I agreed with him, but more, I was elated that this world was opening up, this world of sex with guys that I hadn't realized was there waiting for me. But I said, “Yeah, Josh, it would have.” I had a thought and then said, “You ever try anything with Mark?”
With a little laugh he said, “No way! When he came out I certainly fantasized, but I think I knew he wouldn't have gone along with it. We don't have that kind of relationship. Not like you two.”
That was nice to hear. Even though Mark and I had only known each other for a half dozen years or so, we did have that kind of relationship. Not just the sex part, which was new, but how close we were. How much we trusted each other. I realized I missed him.
We lay around for a while, just talking, all friendly and mellow. Since it was dawn, we got up and had a shower, still talking and soaped each other off. I heard about his life, how his parents were doing. It was great to catch up. He told me I could stay as long as I needed, since he had a spare room, but he also offered – no strings, just simple affection and regular fucks – to share his bed for as long as I was there.
After a day of hanging out and talking, we went out for dinner where we had a bunch of wine and some choice steaks then went back to his place. We didn't fuck again, but he sucked a huge load out of me. He said he wanted to try all the things with me, just to see what it was like. And I returned the favour, getting that big thick cock in my mouth and swallowing a load. His cum was thick and almost sweet. Very nice.
But we were tired and I was still a bit jet-lagged so we crashed in his big bed. He was sweet and cuddled me until we both passed out.
So I stayed for a few weeks until I found a job in a restaurant and a tiny shared room in a high rise downtown. Josh came with me to make sure I wasn't moving into some bed-bug ridden place inhabited by crack whores or some damn thing, but this place, even though it was small, passed his inspection. I was so anxious that I barely noticed the guy who I would be renting from, but when we were leaving the apartment, Josh whispered in my ear, “And you'll be living with that dude? Holy shit, I'm envious.”
I turned back just before the door closed and realized what Josh meant. Holy crap. More on that later.
But since I didn't own a thing, he took me shopping for a futon and a few things for the kitchen. What a sweet guy.
I moved in a week later and the night before I left, we had an epic fuck on his living room floor. Or rather, I fucked the hell out of him. I gave him back what he had been giving to me, and he loved it and let me suck a load out of him as a reward. Really fun.
With a promise to Josh to get together regularly, and not just to fuck, I moved into my new place and started me new job. I had been a waiter before when I was in high school, and then in K, and since I seem to be good at charming guys and girls, I did pretty well for myself, raking in a healthy flow of tips. I'll tell you about the restaurant later.
Then there was my new roommate. He's a whole other story. A longer, more complicated story. But the short version is, his name was Ilya and he was Russian and was training to be a doctor, just like Mark was going to be doing. He was a few years ahead of Mark, however. Like I said earlier, the thing about Ilya is he is drop dead gorgeous. I mean beyond gorgeous. He was supermodel of the fucking universe gorgeous. And I get the sense that he didn't really know it. He was blonde, but not too blonde with some nice curls and waves. His eyes were the colour of some deep lake: blue but sort of a bunch of other colours. He was about my height and slim, and you could tell he did something – yoga, running, whatever– because you could see he was strong, which nice shoulders, but not in any way bulky. And most of all, it was almost impossible to tell whether he was into dudes or girls or both or neither. He gave off no vibes of any kind.
In any case, when I moved in, he was at the hospital, so I didn't see him for a couple of days. There was evidence that he had been around, and I could tell he was in his room sleeping, but we didn't actually have a conversation – other than the one we had when he agreed to let me move in – until the weekend after.
I'll tell you about that in a while.
