Coming of Age

Scott was headed back to Pullman, he had barely made it off of Mercer Island and through south Bellevue – when his phone rang, it was Maureen. He ignored the call and focused on his driving. The phone rang again and he was going to let it go to voicemail again but looked at the caller ID, it was Eva so he answered the call.

Eva was always to the point “Scott, where are you?”

Scott – “In my truck heading east on 90 coming up to a place called ‘Eastgate’.”

Eva – “Would you get off the freeway? I sent the girls home with Mat and thought we could grab some coffee or a beer before you try to drive back home. Today was chaotic and we didn’t get to talk about you and AJ the way I would have liked.”

Scott – “I guess I can but only for a bit. I have a long drive ahead of me and it’s getting late. Any ideas where to meet?”

Eva – “When you exit take 150th, go over the freeway. Turn right at the light and there is a Toyota dealership, turn into the driveway just past the Dairy Queen and head back to a little diner called Lil’ Johns. Grab us a table and I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

Scott went in and found a small bar at the back with a few tables still open. There was one that sat away from everyone so he snagged that and let Eva know he was in the bar and she would not be able to miss him when she arrived. He ordered iced tea and some fries.

He was munching on the hot fries and drinking his iced tea when Eva sat next to him and kissed his cheek. Eva thought to herself – this man is stunning but I’m not here to get in his pants, settle down girl.

Eva – “Scott, thanks for staying, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I was all about getting information to protect AJ and I didn’t think about you and how you are potentially blowing up your life for something that is not a sure thing.”

Scott – “There is no reason to apologize. I was a rambling freaking idiot earlier today. I have been nothing short of a ‘nutter’ since the night I met AJ. I can’t explain it because I don’t know what the hell happened that night. All I know is from the moment I looked into those beautiful, big blue eyes I was a goner. I can’t wrap my head around it, but my heart is so damn taken I become this blubbering idiot when I see him. Today in the church he looked right through me, didn’t recognize me and I panicked. For fucks sake he just lost his wife and I’m perving on the man. Scott, you are doing it again…”

Eva – “You got it bad my friend and you are a friend – new as it may be. I’m certain you should not take that lack of recognition personally; AJ has been seeing/talking with Syd since her death. He was originally going to sing ‘There You’ll Be’ by Faith Hill but he changed his mind in the moment and I saw him nod his head at something/someone so my guess is he saw or heard Syd asking him to sing ‘The Dance’.

I get it, it’s hard to fathom but those two were so connected. AJ has similar interactions with his Gramps – there was a bunch of stuff that you’ll learn eventually, suffice it to say the discussions have helped him resolve some things. Anyway, I have come to accept that our boy is special and open that the contacts/interactions do happen.”

Scott – “Interesting but I get it, some people are just intuitive that way. Eva, thank you for calling. I know we don’t know each other that well but it is good to talk with someone that has been on both sides of this thing labeled bisexuality.

I realized that night I had been repressing a side of me I didn’t want to acknowledge. I have never been into sex for just the sex – there is always something emotional in it – I need to have some connection to be interested and I have always curbed my feelings when it comes to another guy.

AJ was different – the moment I saw him standing there holding that little one in his arms wearing the rattiest of ratty cut-up sweats and those eyes staring at me filled with dread, I melted and knew my heart was in trouble. He was a great looking guy but his eyes slain me – deep sapphire with so much emotion and movement, just like water and that nagging voice whispering in my ear – ‘please help him through this…’ kept repeating in my head.

I was there to take him to his dying wife and I was perving on him. I felt like such an asshole; I knew I had to help him, that damn voice in my head was so persistent. Every time I was going to run away, it was back – ‘hang in there, it will be worth it in the end’. I was convinced I was losing my mind but that voice kept telling me what I needed to hear to stay there and be near him.”

Eva smiled at him and nodded – “Have you ever had something like that happen in the past?”

Scott thought about it for a minute or two before answering – “It was similar but different. The day my mom died – what felt like a hand brushed my cheek and a whisper in my ear – ‘I’m better now.’ It sounded like my mom before she got sick – full of life and without pain.

The night of Syd’s death was surreal, the voice was not at all familiar but was very persistent and started in my head before I even took the call. As that night progressed my heart was getting pulled into his orbit. That’s not right either it wasn’t only pulled, it was pushed. That voice kept coming back to my head – ‘don’t run’, ‘you deserve to be happy’, ‘your love could be epic’.

Today in the church when he looked through me and I panicked, that voice was back – ‘give him time’, ‘don’t run’, ‘he’s so worth it’. I know the voice is female but beyond that, I have never heard it before.”

Eva was convinced it was Syd trying to take care of her love. She grabbed her phone and asked Scott to give her a minute. She found a voice mail from Syd and hit play, put the phone to Scott’s ear so he could listen and the recognition that hit his face said all she needed to know. “It was/is her.”

Scott found his voice – “I don’t know if I’m being stupid or not but that is the voice I have been hearing. She can be very persuasive, a bit persistent and a little overbearing.

As a result of everything that is going on I’m seeing Maureen, my fiancé with a clear head and eyes wide open. My family has always said she is a bitch but I defended her, she’s an only child and has not had the love and support we have.

Over the last two weeks, I am seeing the real her, so self-centered, self-absorbed and downright mean. She has been awful as of late – she threw a fit and would not attend the candlelight vigil with me and my dad. Her reaction was – ‘You want to go pay tribute to some dumb sorority girl; I’m not going.’ I didn’t go because I didn’t want to cause yet another fight and given, that I was going to be here today I let it go as I was not up for two huge fights, so I stayed with her and picked out place settings for our reception.

All the intense feelings I am having for AJ has opened my eyes to her and the feelings I have ignored/repressed for as long as I can remember. I know that what I feel for Maureen is not true love so regardless of where any of this goes, I decided to call off the wedding. I can’t marry her when I don’t think I even like her and I’m pretty sure I have stuck it out this long because she was there for me when my mom died.

I know I need to get my life sorted before I approach AJ, I can’t just roll into this with him and then realize I’m not truly open to a gay relationship. I know he classifies himself as ‘confused’ based on a conversation we had with his buddies in Pullman but that doesn’t mean he is open to a gay relationship either. It’s one thing to mess around sexually but are either of us able to commit to an actual relationship.

I do know two things about sex, 1. I enjoy sex with women and 2. I want to have sex with a man at least twice – once to decide if I like it or not and a second time to confirm my thoughts.

I’m rambling again - the feelings I have for AJ are not about the actual act of sex. I know it has only been a couple of weeks so this all sounds stupid. When I think about AJ or God forbid see him – it feels like I’m home. I get this warm feeling starting in my chest and flowing out to every part of my body. Just thinking about him is bad enough but when I’m near him, I get tongue-tied and overwhelmed – it feels like I’m wrapped in a warm blanket and I would be content to stay there forever.

It's like when I was a kid on Christmas Eve, I can’t sleep, I want to have morning come but I don’t because I love the feeling of anticipation, unbridled joy and belief in something beyond myself. Fuck I sound like a Hallmark card. I’m doing it again – there is just so much in my head and heart that I’m having so much trouble organizing my thoughts.”

Eva squeezed his arm – “Scott first of all you are opening yourself up to new possibilities and things that some people don’t accept, so give yourself a break and take it moment by moment.

As far as ‘love’ goes there is no right way that is guaranteed. The only thing I can do is give you different perspectives on how love can work – 1. I knew my ex-husband for 6 years before we got married. We went through all the phases, friends, dating, engagement, marriage, pregnancy and then divorce and 2. AJ met Syd the Friday before school started, the following Friday, he told her he loved her, was going to marry her and have babies with her that night. She told him she loved him the next night, they dated, became best friends, got pregnant, got married, dealt with cancer and he lost her to a tragic accident – death in my opinion was the only thing that would come between them.

I guess what I’m trying to tell you is this – Search your heart, know what you want out of life and then don’t worry about what others think about it, it is your life and you need to be happy. If that is; as a straight man, a bisexual man, a gay man or any other sexuality that makes you happy and content go for it and be your authentic self. Don’t worry about labels focus on what is in your heart – don’t let anyone dissuade you from finding an epic love.”

Scott was just looking at Eva for a moment – “I have to ask you this – why are you talking to me about all this? You are Syd’s aunt; AJ’s friend and you have known me less than a nanosecond?”

Eva smiled at Scott – “That’s easy, you are a good guy, that stuck with someone that is more like my brother in his time of need. Know you aren’t the only one being prodded by Syd, she has made it clear to me that I need to help AJ deal with all of this, she pushed me here tonight to be your sounding board. So, enough about all this, tell me about you and your family.”

Scott smiled and squeezed Eva’s hand – “Deal as long as you tell me about yours when I’m done. Good.

Well, I turned 25 in March, I’m the youngest of 3 and up until recently I would have said I was a straight man. I would have to agree with AJ’s assessment of himself, ‘confused’ is a better description, shit that’s not right. I am bi-sexual, it isn’t a question anymore, I know in my gut I am bi-sexual. God that felt great saying it out loud.

Anyway, I graduated from WSU a couple of years ago and was going to go to Law School but put that on hold and joined the force in Pullman to be near my dad, I didn’t want him to be alone after my mom died. Man was he pissed about my decision. I do my best to stay fit but also love my beer, pizza, burgers and fries.

Melissa is the oldest, she is 32 and a lawyer here in Bellevue. She is married to a wonderful guy, Grant who I think is 33 and some sort of financial guy and they have 2 kids Caitlyn, 6 and Stephen, 8 months.

Teddy is next, he is 29, a finance guy and married to the best person I know Rebecca 30, she has to be to put up with that dude, she is in marketing. They have 2 little ones too JonJon who is 5 and TJ who is 6 months old.

My dad’s name is Jonathan he is 56 and recently lost my mom after 30 years of marriage to cancer. He is the police chief in Pullman and a great guy, he lives to take care of his family even though we are all adults.

He knows something is up as he keeps asking me if I’m all right, so I will be sitting down with him this week and talking all of this out. He is a great sounding board and never judges me. I’m sure he will be relieved when I tell him I am not marrying Maureen, he never really liked her. I’m sure I will be throwing him for a loop when I tell him I think I’m falling for someone I’ve known for all of 2 weeks and when he finds out it is AJ, I’m not sure how he is going to react.

Before I start rambling again, I’m going to stop and let you talk for a bit.”

Eva squeezed Scott’s arm – “You are adorable. If I were 10 years younger, I would be all over you. Sorry I digress.

I’m the youngest of 2. Syd’s dad is my brother and is 18 years older than me. My mom and dad didn’t think they could have more children and then here I was. I have 2 wonderful kiddos – Carrie 8 who is madly in love with AJ, so watch out for her she might have something to say about you two. Maddie is 6, adores AJ and both are devastated that Syd is gone, I found them in bed together the morning I went to tell them Syd had been killed in an accident. Carrie and Maddie were crying and rocking together, Carrie was telling her that Aunt Syd was in a better place so I know if you are open to it, you can communicate with those that are gone.

I’m divorced from their father as I just told you, we did it by the book. I’m with Matilda ‘Mat’ Sullivan – she completes me in a way that others have not. I think she will be moving in shortly – we have taken it slow in that regard because of the girls but I think it is right.

I live in Bellevue and work in Marketing and raise funds for a family trust that supports medical needs around the globe. I could do that full time but I want some separation from all that is attached to the money that comes from the family. I need to know I can cope on my own.”

Scott smiled and asked Eva – “So how did your family react to Mat? It seems like a big departure from your original track?”

Eva chuckled – “Well, mom and Charlene were great; Elliot came around eventually, but he was first convinced that I was trying to get attention. Syd and AJ were awesome and I found out that Syd was bisexual and had two girlfriends. She spent a couple of weekends a year with them naked and having sex at our family vacation home in Montana. Yeah, who would have known? AJ knew all about it and was ok with it. Syd was always pushing AJ to have his naked weekend with Travis and Jeremiah from the house but something was/is holding him back.

So, to his comment about being ‘confused’, I don’t buy it. Like you, he knows he’s bisexual and something is holding him back. Syd confided in me that there is something in AJ’s past that hurt him deeply and is preventing him from truly being himself. What is that look for, Scott?”

Scott shook his head and laughed – “You don’t miss much, do you? I was putting two and two together now that I have that nugget. Trav called AJ honey and was ribbing me about having a thing for AJ. Jer was giving me a bit of a cold shoulder and playing like he wasn’t interested until Brent and Steve called them both out on wanting to get into AJ’s pants since the first day, they met him. Ok, so what gives?”

Eva raised her hands in mock surrender – “Ok popo, Jer is engaged to Cynthia and Trav is engaged to Julia. Those are the girls that Syd spent a couple of weekends a year being naked and having sex with. My guess is the girls have been encouraging their fiancés/husband to hook up for their naked weekends. Syd was convinced this would be the summer that AJ agreed to ‘naked weekend’ but she was still concerned about something.”

Scott gave Eva’s elbow a shove – “You are horrible, ‘popo’ what are you 12? You and Chase should get together and talk about boys, braid each other’s hair and share barbs you can use.”

Eva snorted – “Oh shit I snorted. Chase is fabulous and cares a great deal about AJ. He pretends he wants to do AJ but I don’t buy it. I think Chase would be completely lost if their relationship went south and that is a possibility when you throw sex into the mix. That young man is AJ’s son, brother, best friend and confidant all rolled into one person. Trav is AJ’s best friend and brother but I can see the two of them having sex and being perfectly fine after, Chase is a different person so tread carefully there my friend.”

Scott was dumbstruck that Eva would think he was bashing Chase – “Eva, I didn’t mean anything by the comment other than you two use the same language. I absolutely love Chase; he takes the brunt of their circle of friends' ribbing but is just this force of nature like AJ. He brightens a room when he’s in it, appears to be fiercely loyal and honestly someone I want to know even if AJ and I don’t go anywhere. No, no, no - get your mind out of the gutter, not in that way. Sheesh, I have never been around more sexual people in my life.”

Eva winked at Scott – “The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. He is adorable and objectively a fine piece of YOUNG man-flesh."

Scott gaped at Eva – “You dirty old lady. First me and now Chase. Is Mat of legal age?”

Eva smacked Scott’s arm – “First of all you both are past the age of consent and Mat is a year older than me. As far as a dirty old lady – I may be a dirty lady but I’m only 10 years older than you, you little shit.

Ok, so Scott – I know you have some things to work out, first and foremost Maureen. Before we go further, I need to know is this something that is just a passing attraction or could it be the real deal? I really like you as a person but I won’t let you screw with AJ.”

Scott smiled making Eva swoon a bit – “Eva, I would love to say that I’m going to be AJ’s next epic love but I can’t know that. I’m scared, this is all new to me and it’s been 2 weeks. My heart is all in, my head is wrapped around me being bi-sexual but my gut is doing somersaults and just plain scared. I need to get those lined up before I can truly answer that question.

My biggest fear here is I get everything lined up and know AJ is my epic love. I then pour my heart out to AJ and he laughs in my face.”

Eva – “Shit it’s good to see such a good-looking stud feel insecure. It does those of us mere mortals good seeing even your type, panic. AhhAhh, let me finish. You are going to have to work for it, pretty boy. AJ has just lost the person he was going to be with for the rest of his life, he has something holding him back from accepting his bi-side and he has the boys to think about. .

I will finish with when you win him over be prepared for what hits you – he is passionate, loving, kind, committed and when he is in, he is all in. You will always know your loved and that’s why I said if you screw with him, you will have to deal with me. Now you may rebut, my rebuttal of you the rebuttal of your stupid comments. I think that is where we are.”

Scott blew out some air – “Damn you are like the She-Devil AJ has tattooed on his lower abdomen and quite honestly you are pissing me off just a bit.

First and foremost, I’m not a good-looking pretty boy and if I pursue something with AJ, those boys will be right there at the forefront of everything I do. I have done a shit job of conveying how much I’m struggling with this situation –

• Through this conversation I know I’m in love with AJ – I don’t know how it happened so fast but all of the feelings inside of me are LOVE.
• I know what I have felt for Maureen pales in comparison to that and if I’m honest with myself, I never loved her.
• I am struggling with all of this because AJ is so vulnerable right now. I know he is attracted to me – I have seen it; I have felt it and his best friends have stated it.
• If it were just the two of us in this, I would get him in bed and see where it goes from there but I can’t do that because of Conor and Caleb.
• I need to get my shit in order and then I am going to woo/court AJ until he realizes he loves me just as much as I love him and that I am not going to hurt him or those boys.
• It took a dead woman to open my eyes to the shit show that was my life but they are open and I’m going to flip my world upside down for the chance at an epic love.
• If it all goes to shit at least I know I put my heart out there to have that epic love and I will thank Syd until the day I die for making me see that ok is not nearly good enough.

Eva wiped tears from her eyes – “There it is, the fire I expected from your Irish heritage. Man, you must be a tiger in bed.”

Scott chuckled and shook his head – “I’ve never had any complaints, but ‘tiger’ I don’t think so. In all honesty, I love sex but I don’t know that I have ever had mind-blowing, rock your world sex.”

The two friends talked about life, love, work, family and lost complete track of time. They realized they had a lot in common and were very similar people. When Eva’s phone rang, she looked at the time and thought holy crap we have been here for 4 ½ hours. She answered it and told Mat she was wrapping up and heading home.

Scott looked at his phone and realized it was too late to head home so he called his dad to tell him he was going to stay over and would be home tomorrow in time for his late shift. He asked his dad for some time that week to have dinner and a heart-to-heart talk. They set some time for Tuesday evening and JR asked him if he was ok. Scott assured him he was better than ever; a weight had been lifted during his conversation with Eva – Syd’s aunt.

He sent a text to Maureen – ‘Sorry for going radio silent. I got to drinking with someone I knew and lost track of time. I’ve had too much to drink so I’m going to crash at Teddy or Melissa’s tonight. Do you have time tomorrow for an early dinner?”

His phone started with the bubbles indicating Maureen was texting, then it stopped and nothing. His phone rang and he answered, holding the phone away from his ear. Maureen was on a tirade.

Eva told Mat she was sorry and let her know she needed to get the check taken care of so she could head home. She was staring at Scott who was making circles with his finger around his ear and she could hear yelling from the phone. She grabbed Scott’s phone –

“Maureen, this is Eva, Sydney O’Brien’s aunt. Scott and I met in Pullman a couple of weeks back when he was helping my family deal with the shock of our loss. He has been telling me how supportive you have been of the extra time he has spent with us. I wanted to thank you for sharing him with us, I’m sure it has been an inconvenience but we truly appreciate it.

It's late and Scott has had a couple of beers to drink. Given his position, my kids and fiancé have asked him to stay with us and head out early in the morning. Are you ok with him staying with my family and me?”

Maureen was speechless for a moment – “Eva yes, I think that would be best. Scott and I will catch up tomorrow afternoon for an early dinner. It has not been an inconvenience to have Scott help out, I hope someone would do that for me if I were in your situation. Thank you for the kind words. I would like to say good night to Scott if you please.”

Eva was smiling and rolling her eyes – “Maureen, you are truly a gem and thank you again for sharing your wonderful man.”

Scott took the phone prepared for an all-out assault but was surprised with the conversation – he could tell Maureen was still pissed but all she said was ‘I’ll see you tomorrow and we can talk. Goodnight.’

That sealed the deal, there was no ‘I love you’ or any form of personal interaction, just a cold uncaring voice on the other end of the conversation. Scott thanked Eva and tried to leave money for his part of the bill but it was already paid for and she refused the money. Scott started to call Teddy for a place to crash for the night but Eva intervened telling him he was coming with her. Mat has the guest room ready and she knows you are coming.

There will be no awkward discussions about why you are here and why you didn’t let them know before you got here. You will follow me home but if we get separated here is my address on Killarney Way. She told Scott that their conversations would remain between them, she would not betray that confidence even to AJ. As they were walking to their vehicles Eva hugged Scott and told him that everything would work out as it should.

Scott followed Eva to a beautiful waterfront home on Killarney. As they pulled into the driveway, he was struck with all sorts of fear and doubt. How can I think I will fit into AJ’s world, I’m just a cop that is getting by – I am buying my home, putting some money aside but I don’t have anything to compete with this. He sat in his truck until there was a light tapping on the window.

Eva knew what was going on – “Scott, listen and hear me on this point if nothing else. AJ struggled with all of this when he found out Sydney was from old money. He didn’t know how much until this last week and he is wigging out again. His family does very well and he has not struggled in that regard but he was/is not used to all the trappings, expectations and frankly crap that comes with it all. That is why he and Elliot are always butting heads – Elliot was convinced AJ was after the money even though he had no idea. He was just head over heels in love with Sydney.”

Scott grinned at Eva – “What are you, psychic or a witch or something else supernatural?”

Eva opened the door – “nothing supernatural, just intuitive. I have gone through it recently as well; Mat didn’t know about the money either so I understand it better than you think.”

Mat was at the door waiting for them. She kissed Eva and hugged Scott. “So, this is the infamous ‘popo’. I heard everything about you from Chase – you are smitten with our kitten AJ. Scott – I didn’t mean anything negative by it. From all accounts, you are a great guy that ANYONE would be lucky to have.”

They all moved inside where Mat had a bottle of red wine open. Eva made a quick trip upstairs to make sure the girls knew she was home. Mat poured Scott a glass and handed it to him without asking – I know you are a beer drinker but try it I think it might make a convert out of you. If not, I’ll drink it for you.

Scott took a sip and smiled – “well it isn’t horrible. Kidding it’s pretty good. So back to Chase and the four musketeers. You need to dish on all that they said, it’s unnerving that I’m the topic of conversation with them given I’ve only been slightly engaged with them.”

Mat smiled at him – “Scott, you are cute but, on this point, you are either fishing for compliments or totally oblivious to how hot you are and how much those boys want you.

I think it is a bit of both though, am I right? Thought so. They have great ‘gaydar’ and it is pinging like hell on you and has pinged on AJ since they met him. They know AJ is bisexual. They saw him and Syd together but they know he is attracted to guys as well. Everyone in his circle knows there is something that is keeping him from exploring that side of his sexuality. They know you are crushing hard on him. Oh, shit, Chase was right on the money, it is not a crush at all, it’s love.

He was emphatic that you had fallen for AJ, hook, line and sinker. The others thought you just wanted in his pants like they do but Chase was right it is written all over your face. Well…”

Eva interrupted – “Mat, leave the newbie alone. He is struggling with all of this but knows what he wants and that happens to be one Aaron Jonathan O’Brien.”

Scott was blushing at this point – “Mat, Eva is right on the money. I don’t know how this happened so fast but I am head over heels for this man. I hate to admit it but the night I picked him up to take him to the hospital I fell in love with him at first sight.”