Coming of Age

Raw Grief

The rest of his siblings and their spouses circled around AJ and cried with him. They could feel the light had gone out of their baby brother. He was always the happy go lucky, found the joy in even the smallest thing but he also felt loss harder than the rest. When you love large you hurt large and despite being their pain in the ass, they were family and they would make certain that he did not break into a million pieces. None of them were sure that was not happening right now and if it did, they would put him back together. They stood there holding him until Caleb and Conor began to cry and could not be soothed by their Grands.

AJ felt that familiar warmth flow through his body, she was here the feeling was not the same as before. Her voice brushed his ear – ‘Taz Baby I need you to remember our conversation and BELIEVE that ware with you always. The boys need you to be strong, I need you to be strong but most of all you need you to be strong. You will miss your next forever love if you don’t.’

AJ immediately pulled himself together, he would be strong for Syd and the boys but there was only one love in AJ’s life and she had passed. He wiped his face of tears and made his way to the boys as soon as they were in his arms they stopped crying and were fast asleep. Eva and Gina offered to take the boys and AJ handed them off to them. As soon as the transfer happened the boys were crying again. AJ took them back and they settled again.

Nanny – “Skeeter, you need to hold them for a time, they need their father’s strength and heart right now. They can tell you are struggling and this is their way of helping you grieve. Hold on to those boys, Syd and the boys will get you through this mess. Come with me for a few minutes please.”

Nanny and AJ with the boys in tow went into the office and closed the door. The rest of the family followed them with their eyes and shared questioning glances.

Nanny – “Skeeter, I was watching you out there. Did you feel a warmth cover your body when the boys were crying?”

AJ – “Yes.”

Nanny – “That warmth you are feeling right now is Syd’s love. She is with you now and will always be close by. The love you shared will never die. If you hold on to it, she will guide you to a happier future, I know you don’t see a path there right now but there is one lean on us, lean on the boys and most of all lean on God and Syd – she is here with you.”

AJ – “Nanny, how do you know about the warm waves I feel when I get way down?”

Nanny – “Kiddo, I lost your grandpa before you were born. I was lost, overwhelmed and didn’t see where life could get back to normal. I had vivid dreams, warm feelings wash over me and felt his hand on my shoulder in the darkest hours. I felt his hands when I watched you break down. He was encouraging me to step in and talk to you. I know its hard to believe but if you remain open, you will feel, see and hear Syd until you meet again. I’m sure if you are open, she will guide you to your next love. You are too young to be alone and I know in my heart she will help you find the right person to be with you and the boys. Trust your heart not your head and you will get through this thing we call life.”

AJ had settled down a lot but the despair was not far from spilling out. He knew in his gut that Nanny was right but he had to grieve and deal with the loss. Thinking about who’s next is the furthest thing from his mind.  Nanny took Conor and he remained asleep on her shoulder. It was clear that their moods / behaviors were going to be impacted by his and the calmer he was able to remain the better.

AJ – “Thank you Nanny. I’m not ready to look forward I need to deal with the here and now. The future is just not on my radar – one day at a time.”

Gran stepped forward and pulled the family into the kitchen away from the office door.

Gran – “I see your questioning eyes, so let me share a few thoughts from one who has lost a spouse before their kids were grown. If Syd is like my Elliot, she is helping guide him in this tragedy. These two kids were meant to be together, we collectively fought them on that but can anyone here actually think they weren’t meant for each other? I didn’t think so.

My Elliot is with me whenever I have a need, when I’m down, when I scared and when I’m overwrought. He came to me as I prepared to bury him. He flooded me with a warmth, a calmness and in general wonderful feeling of being loved. My guess is Lindal has a similar connection to her Jonathan and is talking to AJ about it.

I see the skepticism on some of your faces but mark my words that is what is going on and when you have the misfortune of losing your spouse we will talk then.”

Evelyn – “Aoife is right, I should have seen it. Dad talked to me about this when mom died and I saw it with AJ early on. He would talk to my mom and Jon’s dad like they were in the room with him when he was little and then again when he was in his early teens. I’m also convinced that My dad Aaron talked to AJ after he and Syd were married without us because he said to me – Daideo told me to lighten up on you, it was his decision, it was wrong and it had cause Evie to swear at him with hurt and disdain in her voice. No one knew that happened the week before he died. It was the one and only time I ever cursed at my father. I’m going with Aoife as AJ has had several very abrupt changes in his demeanor.”

Gina mumbled to no one in particular and caught herself before she finished her thoughts – ‘that’s why he was able to…’

Jon – “what was that my dear?”

Gina – “nothing Pops I just remember something I needed to do.”

AJ hugged Nanny and they headed back out to the rest of the family. They had been gone for 30 or so minutes and AJ was in a much better place. Everyone saw it and Eva commented – “Nanny, the AJ whisperer.” Eva gave AJ a big hug, she was much more of a big sister than an aunt to Syd and subsequently AJ. She was Syd’s ‘Gina’ and she was determined to be there for AJ and the boys.  AJ handed Caleb to Evelyn and he remained calm and asleep

AJ – “Between Nanny and Syd I get it, their moods and behavior are tied to me right now. I need everyone to realize I’m struggling to deal with the loss and it is not easy to think about the fact that I am a widowed, single dad of identical twins and only 20 years old. My life right now is kind of a shit show and I need your help or I’m going to go bat shit crazy.”

There was a knock at the door. Max was nearest the door, so he answered it, Trav was standing there, Max knew him well as he had hung out with AJ, Syd and the family a great deal. He seemed more like a brother to AJ than his brother JT did most of the time.

Max – “AJ, your boyfriend is here.”

AJ – “Max you know you’re the only guy for me wise ass. Who is it?”

Trav pinched Max’s ass as he walked by – “Max nice ass as always. Honey, it’s me how quickly they forget about their secret boyfriend. I am here to kidnap you, the boys and your parents but it looks like it is the entire O’Brien clan.”

AJ – “What are you blabbering about?”

Trav – “God you really are a pain in the ass, my sweet. Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, the famdamily; I am here to escort you to a candlelight vigil for Sydney down along the river. It was AJ and Sydney’s ‘special’ spot and our houses felt it was necessary to gather and pay our respects. We would be honored if you would join us.”

AJ – “UGGGHHHH, I…”

Gina – “Trav, what AJ is trying to say so eloquently is we would be honored to join you all for a celebration of Syd’s life, wouldn’t we baby boy?”

AJ – “God, I hate you right now and I really wasn’t. I don’t want to get up in front of everyone and thank them for turning out. For fucks sake she has been gone less than 24 hours, you saw me earlier I’m a nutter.”

Gina – “Trav, we will be getting the kiddos ready, so give us a couple of minutes. Mama, where are the boys’ clothes and a blanket in the event it gets chilly.”

AJ – “Fuck me you are still a pain in my ass.” Gina blew him a big kiss and winked at him. She was determined to keep him moving so he would not wallow in the loss. There would be plenty of time for that later, tonight was to be about the amazing woman – Sydney Marie O’Brien.

AJ – I’ll throw some things into a backpack. Here are some clothes for the boys, would you get them dressed and in the stroller? Nieces / Nephews, I’m sorry for the foul language, I am just wound a bit tight right now as you can tell.”

Mandi – “Big brother, what do you mean wound tight right now. You are always a Tasmanian Devil and you know it too as it is tattooed on your abdomen. We hear worse at home so no harm no foul. Mom don’t even pretend you don’t swear. We love you and will definitely cut you some slack.”

AJ grabbed the boy’s backpack and added warmed-up bottles, two blankets and some additional wipes to the ‘baby go bag’. When he had finished the boys were strapped into the running stroller and everyone was ready to go. AJ had also slipped a family photo in the bag – Syd, Conor, Caleb and AJ all looked happy and content in that photo. It was a larger version of the one he had been carrying all day.

Trav wrapped his arm around AJ and together they pushed the stroller forward and talked to AJ so only he could hear – “I hope you know this but I’m going to say it anyway, WHATEVER you need I’m here for you and I’ll probably annoy you with all my antics but know it comes from a place of deep love and respect.” Trav kissed his cheek and said loudly – “Honey, let’s head out.”

The group headed down to the ‘river’ more of stream that ran through Pullman. Syd and AJ spent a lot of time at spring street park. There were trees lining the Palouse River which would give them privacy to share intimate moments together and seem as though they were alone in the world.

As they turned onto Monroe off Colorado, they saw AJ’s brothers standing at the end of Linden and then the next street down Syd’s sisters waiting on Campus Street. AJ paused and felt an overwhelming nausea come over him. Evelyn stepped forward and squeezed his waist and said quietly – “we are all here for you my boy, trust that we will catch you if you need us to.” She squeezed again. AJ then noticed that there were police officers blocking traffic at both Campus and Oak so the students could use the streets. He stopped dead in his tracks and threw up.

AJ – “I can’t do this, I just can’t.”

The boys started to fuss but he was frozen in that spot. AJ heard a noise behind him and realized that there were fraternity and sorority sisters from other houses on Greek Row falling in behind them.

Trav – “Skeeter if you really can’t do this, I will take you home but all of these people are here to support you and the boys. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Just tell me what YOU want to do for Syd.”

AJ had tears flowing down his face and was struggling to talk – “I know I should go but I don’t know that I can make it and I certainly know I can’t do it on my own.”

Trav – “You are not alone; your family is here. Look around you, you have a whole community that is here to support you and the boys. If you want to be there, I will carry you if needs, be.”

Max stepped in and put his arm under and around AJs shoulders – “You will kick yourself in the future if you don’t go. Trav and I will get you there, lean on us Skeeter we will be your legs tonight.”

Jeremiah and the other officers of AJ’s house took up the escort duties around AJ, Max and Trav and the brothers fell in behind AJ’s family. At Campus, Cynthia and the other officers joined the escort duties and the sisters fell in with AJ’s brothers. AJ faltered was struggling but Max and Trav held firm and would make sure he got there. Jeremiah and Cynthia got in front of AJ and asked him – “Skeet are you good or do we need to take you home?”

Trav spoke for AJ – “He will be fine, let’s keep moving.”

Trav and AJ both noticed the irritation on Jeremiah’s face. Trav pulled him to his side and whispered to him – “you need to stop being a prick and let go of our BS tonight for God’s sake. Get up there and lead this house or I swear to all that is good and holy I will kick your ass into next week.” Jer pulled his arm away from Trav and moved to the front of the group, joining Cyn and together they led the procession down to the park.

As they continued and made the turn on to Oak AJ realized that all of Greek row and much of the campus had joined the vigil. Amongst the crowd gathered on the journey were many academic advisors, professors, deans and the president of the college as well as the police chief. They all quietly participated in the solemn journey. The gathering ultimately turned-on College Ave and across Spring Street to the park and down to the river.

AJ was regaining his control but was still very much on the edge of falling completely apart. He forced his mind to focus on Conor, Caleb and Syd, he began to gain his strength and composure. He picked up Caleb who was still fussing and held him close and popped a bottle into his mouth. He did not notice the stage and sound system that had been installed in the park until Lane Rawlins, the President of WSU started to speak.

His speech was eloquent, loving and pointed. He made it clear this tragedy could have been avoided had the driver of the other vehicle not been intoxicated. The students of WSU had done the right things and ensured they had a sober driver at the wheel. They lost an exceptional student, friend, wife, mother and daughter in the early hours of this morning. He addressed Syd’s family – blood and Greek. I know you are suffering at this moment and that no words can dull the pain that you are in just know that you have a family of Cougars here that will do whatever we can to lift the burden just a bit. He invited AJ to the podium. Evelyn went to take Caleb but he was asleep on AJ’s shoulder and was his strength right now. AJ handed the bottle to her and whispered – “I need the support if I am to have a snowballs chance in hell of keeping it together.”

Lane – “The last time we talked was definitely under better circumstances but know I am here for you and your boys. If you are able the faculty and students would really appreciate a few words about your lovely wife Sydney Marie O’Brien.”

AJ stepped up to the podium and took a HUGE breath and Caleb took that moment to burp, which raised laughter in the audience as well as AJ.

AJ – “Well kiddo, you helped Daddy to relax with that one.” AJ looked to the heavens “Syd thanks for that timing, you saw me struggling and you made it clear that life does move on and I need to focus on our beautiful boys.” Tears were back at the corners of AJ’s hypnotizingly beautiful liquid sapphire blue eyes that looked like slow-moving water and when his emotions were high the movement became intense. Tonight, those closest to him knew he was on the edge as they were glistening from all his memories of his beautiful wife.

AJ continued – “I know those who knew Sydney are grieving hard and those that did not know her are grieving the loss of a person that they have come to know through a friend, colleague, the news or word of mouth. To all of you, I say ‘thank you for being here and offering up support at this time.’ Syd has been gone from this earth for sixteen and a half hours. It feels to me like an eternity and just a minute ago. I have been all over this town staying connected to my forever love and feeling her slip away at the same time. When she left last night with her friends to celebrate finishing their last project before finals start next week, they were on the highest of highs. I close my eyes and see her baby blues sparkling as she left the house telling me that I needed to put some clothes on as it wasn’t proper to be hanging out at the door with nothing on.”

Giggles and laughs could be heard throughout the crowd. One of AJs frat brothers yelled out – “and not kind to us mere mortals.”

AJ – “thanks Lance for the kind mocking. The next thing I remember is this obnoxiously loud banging at the front door and being pissed that Brett or Chase had stopped by drunk and were going to wake up the kids and the knocking did wake this little guy up. So, I head to the front door, before you ask Lance ‘yes’ with sweats on. I see the spinning lights of a police car through the window of the door and an officer standing at the door. My heart dropped as I opened it to see a member of the Pullman Police Department standing there. The next couple of hours were a blur but I had to focus on being strong for Syd.

I’m struggling right now to keep it together, the boys need me and I must keep Syd’s memory alive, but I am so angry that she died because someone could not be bothered to call a fucking cab. My kids will grow up not knowing their mom because some heartless idiot decided to get behind the wheel of a weapon and plow into my wife’s car. I’m so thankful the other girls were only injured as this could have been so much worse.

I was able to be there for Syd until her last breath which were fittingly ‘always and forever’. See we had this thing – one of us would say ‘I love you to the moon and back’ and the other would respond ‘always and forever’. When I finally had the courage to let her go be with Gramps and her Grand Father, I was going to say the whole phrase to her, but after I said, ‘I love you to the moon and back’ her eyes opened and she said, ‘always and forever’ and then she was gone.

I will close with this – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not drink or do drugs and get behind the wheel of a car. Call a cab, call a friend just don’t get behind the wheel. No one should ever go through this grief as the result of something so avoidable.”