The Evolution of Friendship: A Love Story

It was a typical Saturday night. We were close to six weeks into our crazy fall together. We went to one of the usual spots that we liked. We drank, did coke, danced and flirted and had an overall great time. There were two girls from out of town that took a liking to us. Well, mainly they took a liking to Axel. In these cases, there was always the girl who won out and got him and then the consolation prize for the other was me. Axel got busy with his girl on the dance floor. Grabbing,, groping, grinding, making out - you know all that sexy stuff that gets you all wound up. I sat with her friend and talked and bought her drinks and gave her bumps. She had no interest in me, which was fine. It was difficult when they wanted something from me.

Fortunately, I just had to be polite and keep the conversation going. We talked about clothes a lot, which seemed to pass the time for both of us. When the club closed and the lights came up, Axel and his girl had a little last minute fun. Her friend was done and ready to go. Axel didn't seem to mind when she said she had to go. In fact, this was how we ended every night. Axel never took a girl home when we were out together. There were a few occasions when we weren't and I think he took advantage of that, but when we were together, we always left together. For some reason, I really noticed this that night.

While we were driving home, I decided to ask him why he never hooked up while we were out. I was drunk enough to have my guard down and didn't worry about asking. He was drunk enough to answer.

“Sooooo, Axelllllll, why don’t you ever hook up when we go out? Girls are all over you all the time. Don’t you want to take them home and fuck them?”

“Dude, we went there together, we leave there together. We're buds. We don't split up. I can get pussy anytime I want, but when we're out together, we stick together.”

Then he turned and gave me a snarky look.

“Why don’t you ever hook up when we’re out, Jaaaaaasssssson?”

“Uh...same reason.”

We always did this thing when we were drunk - extending certain letters of our names or some other words when we were driving home. I domn’t know why we did it, but I thought it was cute.

I know how he meant his response, just as two dudes being loyal to one another. It felt completely different to me. It was all I could do not to cry. I felt chills. It was exactly what I wanted to hear even though it probably wasn't what he was thinking.

We chatted for the rest of the drive and then finally made it home. Once we got in the door, he suggested a movie while we smoked a bowl or two. I grabbed us two beers and we headed to our usual spot on the couch. He put on Titanic. I thought, really? The longest movie ever? We'll never make it though. Oh well, I knew it meant we'd be passed out and cuddling in no time. This time things went a slightly differently.

I was lying in his lap with my head facing the TV. He had his arm over my torso and his other arm on the back of the couch. Yes, I realize this is probably how couples watch movies together, but this is also how Axel and I did. We weren’t a couple though, just two bros who were really comfortable with one another.

I heard his breathing change and knew he was asleep. Normally I'd either watch the rest of the movie or fall asleep myself. This time I decided to just roll over and look up at him. I just looked at him for what seemed like hours (thanks to the pot). I kept thinking about how nice it would be to kiss him. I was finally feeling like my crush had gone well beyond something simple. I think I was falling for him. I was so lost in my fantasy that I didn't notice him wake up and look back down at me.

"What are you looking at, preppy boy?" he asked.

I was startled and embarrassed. I didn't know what to say. "Oh nothing. Really. Nothing."

"So I'm just nothing to you?" he shot back.

I sat up and looked back at him, now feeling bad. It must have shown in my face as he told me to calm down, he was only joking.

“Dude, it’s cool. I’m fucking with you.”

"Axel...I, um, I nnnneed to...Oh never mind." I got up to walk away.

"What? What is up man?"

"Nothing. I'm going to bed in your brother’s room."

I went up the stairs and headed to his brother's room trying not to cry. Axel didn't come after me right away. That made me feel even more stupid. I was thinking I was ruining everything. I almost told him I was gay and I knew that would end this whole thing. Maybe it should, since it wasn't what I wanted it to be anyway and I was silly for thinking otherwise. I went into his brother's room (a room I had never actually been in until that point) and closed the door and just fell to the floor and burst into tears.

Axel eventually made it upstairs. Between being stoned, drunk and tired and not sure what was going on, he took his time. At least that's what I figured. He came to the door of his brother's room. Instead of just busting in, he quietly knocked on the door.

"Jason, are you OK?" he said softly while he leaned into the door.

"No, I'm not," I whimpered back, "just leave me alone."

"Dude, you know I'm not going to do that,” his voice sounded like it was right behind me. He had knelt down on the floor to be closer to me. “You're my best bud. I love you man, I don't want you upset or whatever you are. Come on, let me in or come out. Let's talk it out." His voice sounded genuine and sincere. It also sounded sexy. Oh, his voice was so sexy to me.

"Plus, you're killing my buzz, dude. We're gonna have to smoke up again to get back to our happy place. You know, where we end up every night."

Ugh. He said he loved me, but I knew that was 'bro' talk, not real love. I was hearing a friend who wanted to be there for me. I wanted a boyfriend to hold me. I didn't know what to do. "Give me a minute," I offered, "I'll meet you in our room."

"Our room? OK dude, whatever." Shit. Did I just say 'our room'? I am totally making a mess of this night – and possibly our friendship.

***

After a few minutes, I stood up and tried to wipe my face dry and just sighed deeply. I need to face this. I need to face him. It's time for me to be honest with him. It took me easily 10 more minutes to finally open the door. He clearly knew this was the end of the night. All the lights were off, except the small lamp he had on in his room.

“Gina dreams of get...running away, when mmmm la ba da...night, Tommy whispers BABY, it's day...okay...somedayyyyy....”

I could hear him softly singing along to the music he was playing. Bon Jovi. He loved their new album and loved to listen to it. He always got the words wrong and would mumble his way through it. It was adorable. I walked up to the door of his room and peeked in.

"Hey," I said shyly, "what's up?"

"Nothing dude. Come in. Get in bed. Talk to me."

He was so reassuring. So comforting. He was also down to his boxers. This was not going to be easy on any level.

The damned room was so small. I don't know why he insisted on staying in there since he could have any room he wanted. I had to climb over him to get to my spot in bed. I didn't take any of my clothes off.

"You gonna sleep in your clothes?"

"Yes. Deal with it."

"Whatever preppy boy." That was his pet name for me. I loved when he called me that.

I just laid down flat on my back, crossed my arms over my chest and stared straight up to the ceiling – kind of like a corpse, which is what I felt like. He turned on his side to face me and propped his head on his hand. He just stared at me while I avoided looking at him.

"DUDE!" he barked, "What the fuck is up? Why are you acting so crazy? Did we end up with some bad weed?"

I had to answer him at some point; he wasn't going to let this go. As I thought about it, I had been a little melodramatic.

"Tell me whatever it is you need to tell me. Nothing is going to change. Please, just trust me." There really was no reason for me not to trust him.

I took a deep breath and just said it. "I'm gay."

He rolled over onto his back and started to laugh. I was mortified. Was he making fun of me?

"What the fuck?! Why are you laughing!?"

"I'm sorry preppy dude. I don't mean anything by it. I'm just laughing at what a big deal you made out of telling me that."

"It isn't a big deal?"

"No. It isn't. It explains a lot of things too. It's cool. We're cool. Like I said, nothing changes. See? No reason for dramatics."

"You're not pissed? Uncomfortable? Weirded out? I was just staring at you with my head in your lap. Isn’t that too gay or something?"

"Come on man! Give me some credit. Have you ever heard me make jokes about gay people? Have I ever pushed you away? Made you feel uncomfortable?"

"No, but..."

"But what? I promise you, we're cool. Now let's go back to where we were when we started this night – drunk and high."

"It's like 4 am."

"Do you have something to do tomorrow?"

"No. I mean do we ever have something to do?"

"Fuck no, now, we get fucked up and sleep in. You owe me a major fucking breakfast for this."

"OK. I'll get beers, you pack the bowl."

***

It was about 2:00 in the afternoon. I woke up and turned to see Axel still asleep. I watched him for a little while, like I do almost every time we wake up together. I loved to just look at him, watch him breathe. Daydream about him. Anyway, I climbed out of bed, careful not to wake him up and went downstairs to set about making him an amazing breakfast.

I found two strip steaks in the freezer to make along with some eggs, hash browns, pancakes and sausage. Axel could eat. His metabolism was like that of a mouse. He didn't gain an ounce. I also made some spicy, strong bloody marys. Once I started cooking, the smell must have woken him up and he made his way downstairs. He stood at the door to the kitchen and signaled his approval.

"Fuck yes dude! It smells fucking awesome!"

I handed him his bloody mary and we toasted. "To my best bud," he said. "To MY best bud," I replied.

He sat at the kitchen table and seemed to be just watching me do my thing in the kitchen. He never did that before. I decided to put whatever thought was about to come to my head out and just focus on getting us fed. I served everything up and sat down with him. He dug right in. After about four huge bites, with his mouth still full, he exclaimed, "this is fucking awesome! It's gotta be your best breakfast yet!" That put a huge smile on my face. He smiled back and said, "Now that's the preppy dude I like to see."

This is exactly what I wanted. Me and Axel living all domestic-like. Maybe he'd go off to some job and I'd stay home and take care of things. Or we'd just be together and traveling or doing other fun stuff, not worrying about work. (Not like we needed to.)

I so desperately wanted to be Axel's boyfriend. Of course, I knew that wasn't going to be possible. As cool as our friends are, I don't see them being all about Axel and me as a couple. It's not exactly something we'd be able to share with anyone right now. Not here in hard core Republican Orange County, California. Maybe if we moved away to a more accepting place, but whatever, it was all fantasy. As if Axel was wanting to be with me anyway.

We went about our day from there. Before we left the house, a few lines got us going and then we dashed off to the country club his dad was a member of. They had a swanky indoor pool that basically no one used. We spent a lot of time there. We'd swim and play 'Marco Polo' and wrestle in the water. We did all of that on this day too. He was right, nothing really changed. He still played around with me like we always did. Like dudes.

Things continued on just as usual for a while. We didn't really talk about me being gay too much. Once in a while Axel would ask me if I thought a guy was hot or he'd ask about what experience I had. We talked about it no differently than two guys would talk about their conquests. We did everything we always did. Drank, did drugs, passed out, partied, the usual. Like Axel said, nothing changed. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to keep this up without something else happening.

***

As the weeks went by and we moved into the holidays, our friends were all coming home for Thanksgiving and then Christmas breaks. Our lives got wrapped up to some degree in reconnecting with everyone. We could never quite recreate the same energy of our high school years or the summer that followed. Some had gotten into relationships; others had become more focused on their studies. Axel and I both noticed the differences and had the same response. We had been left behind by the rest of the group since we didn't pursue college or anything else. A couple of our friends even shared their criticism with us, that we were wasting our lives being party boys. It stung a little, but ultimately, we knew we were fine and would eventually end up doing something 'adult'. In the meantime, it was worth us having some fun.

There were some times where Axel's dad was around and we had to deal with various family things for the holidays. Those were some of the times we spent apart, though there were definitely more of those times over the winter. Axel's dad took him and his brothers on a New Year's ski trip, which lasted a little more than a week. I missed him terribly during that time. However, I did use that time to explore beyond my little bubble and see what else was out there.

For a long time, I kind of just forgot about what I wanted and just enjoyed my time with Axel. I figured it wasn't worth pushing and it probably wasn't going to happen anyway. I stayed there every night for the most part. There were a few nights I stayed in my own place, but we both knew I didn’t like staying there. Axel and I also slept in the same bed - every night. He told me he liked when we talked at night and it was just more comfortable for us to sleep in the same bed. He was still stuck on staying in the smallest bedroom in the house.

Over the winter, Axel went on several dates with a girl he met at the club.

Axel was always making sure we spent as much time together as possible. We were really, so close to each other. Even when he was planning his dates, he made sure to be considerate of our time. The dates didn't amount to much. They went out, drank and then went to her place to fuck. He would cum and then immediately leave. That seemed odd to me - why didn’t he stay over? He always came home and climbed into bed. Sometimes he’d tell me how things went. Sometimes he would just ask me how I was doing. He seemed to really care about me, like much more so as time went on. Whatever was going on with this girl clearly wasn’t amounting to much. That seemed reassuring to me.

We made it through winter, a few more visits with friends from the group (though fewer of them were still keeping up our friendships), plenty more partying and whatever else. I was really very happy with everything. We also seemed to keep getting closer to one another. Even though Axel said nothing would change, something definitely was.

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate the comments I've gotten. It's not as full of sex as some of my other stories (there definitely will be sex), but I hope you're enjoying it anyway. As always, please comment or send me an email.