Life Isn't A Fairytale

Josh gets up with his thick smooth chest clearly showing off “It’s fine, you looked peaceful there and I didn’t really want to disturb you”. I get up clearly showing off a bulge in my pants, I blush for a moment and look away from Josh who is standing there laughing. “If I had a problem with you tenting in your sleep shorts, I would’ve said so and clearly it doesn’t bother me”.

I laugh and shake my head “I know that but still feels embarrassing” I say as I follow Josh up the hallway of his apartment and into the spare room, we say goodnight and I hit the bed which is so much better than mine that I’ve had for so long. I lay there and think about whether I should text Liam but in the end, I realise that it’s not going to get us anywhere in the short term.

The thoughts of the day have somewhat drifted away as I put my head up against the pillow and close my eyes, the events of the day and past few days put me into a deep sleep that my mind can’t even get anxious or worry about things. My normal alarm buzzes at 6am and I slowly get out of bed and walk out to Josh’s hallway where to my surprise he’s up and awake walking down the hallway.

“Sorry didn’t mean to wake you” Josh says sweaty, clearly looking like he’s just been for a workout of some description which has produced more sweat than I’ve ever seen on a chest before. I head down into Josh’s kitchen and look for something for breakfast. I fix myself some toast and sit at his breakfast bar and tuck into it whilst he organises his things for the day.

My phone sits next to me, deep inside I sit there hoping for a message from Liam but it’s all quiet so I sit there and eat the toast, still just in my sleep shorts as Josh potters around his place going through his usual morning routine. I still keep sitting there until I feel Josh’s hands on my shoulders “They’ll call when they are ready” he says to me as I sit there noticeably glancing towards my phone every two seconds just hoping that something would come up on the screen.

“I know that, but through everything I would’ve thought that I would’ve heard something at the very least”. I sit there silently mulling things over as Josh finishes putting on his designer suit as he gets ready for work. I can’t help but glance at how hot he looks in his suit even though I’d prefer him with just his shorts on.

I finish my breakfast “I’ll go have a shower and head off soon after so I you’re not late for work” I get up and Josh stops me “Take your time, I trust you completely not to steal anything from in here and this can be yours too”. He stops and grabs a key out of a drawer and gives it to me “Wh…” he stops me before I can even get out a coherent sentence.

“You need somewhere to stay because if things aren’t going to be good with your dad then you can’t just sleep in your car then, really can you?” Josh’s dominant figure next to me isn’t something that I really want to mess with so I just nod and think about what he had to say. “I guess not hey” I respond as he looks over my shoulder and pats my back. I finish eating my breakfast as Josh grabs his car keys and heads off to work.

I sit there for a minute still stupidly waiting for the phone to go off, I eventually get up and go have a shower I wander through Josh’s bedroom to use his ensuite. I stand there and let the water fall over my shoulders with my eyes closed, my mind racing faster than it should and I feel the tension building up until I want to explode. I stand there feeling like all this is my fault, between Dad being cranky at me because I feel like I’ve caused this situation, Liam with me not being as helpful as I can and then just me feeling like I’ve failed to cope with Mum leaving.

I sink to Josh’s shower floor and start to cry; I know deep inside that I haven’t done anything wrong but I’ve been trying to keep everything together for so long that I’ve just cracked. My life since Mum got sick was all about keeping things going for her and Dad until the end and then afterwards but it’s been like putting a band-aid on top of a crack in a building, something that just masks what is really going on.

The last few months have felt like being on auto-pilot but as the last few weeks have continued it feels like the plane is headed straight into the side of Mount Everest. Inside my head I thought I could be the person everyone wanted to be and that I could make everyone happy but all of a sudden, it’s just hit me that I’m never going to be able to please everybody.

I know that Liam is never going to be Dad’s favourite person ever and I need to know that Liam isn’t always going to have baggage and the two things will always be fraught with a sense of tension. The situation with Liam as Josh has told me repeatedly is something that I need to let him figure out for himself but with him basically being my brother and then somebody that I love, I don’t want him to get hurt and just worry about his past connections.

Meanwhile, with Dad it’s a completely different story, he has always had a very basic and old-fashioned view of the world and although he’s not a dinosaur as you would see calling up talkback radio, he just thinks the world was a simpler place when he was my age. There’s no doubt that he is a caring and kind person to everybody but out of he and Mum, she was always the more progressive. Things would always be easier to talk to Mum about because she would listen and help me through every situation to the best of her ability but ultimately leaving it up to me.

Eventually, I shake off the emotion and get out of the shower, I grab the towel and dry myself off wiping my face to freshen it up. I look around Josh’s ensuite and look at the myriad of body care products and borrow some face cream just to put one. As I do that my mind races into realising that spending time with Josh isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world. He’s really caring, friendly and somebody that I can talk to about anything really because the connection we built is really nice; Plus being one of the hottest guys I’ve ever set my eyes on is no doubt a positive as well.

I wander through Josh’s bedroom, leaving my towel in the bathroom. As I do that, I can’t help but think about Josh and the amount of times he’s been naked in his bedroom, at that point I can’t help but notice that I’m getting harder and harder. I stand in the room for a moment and realise that this could be the only opportunity I have to take a sneak peek around Josh’s room and see what he is hiding from public view. I start to wander out of his room when the curiosity of what is at least in his underwear drawer which is an eye-opener given that there is a mix of briefs, boxers and even a jockstrap that looks like it’s never been worn.

I quickly close the drawer and go and change into my clothes for the day so I can head to uni, my mind isn’t where it should be at the moment but heading to uni will at least be a distraction from everything. I manage to get through the day without my mind going to all different places. I get in my car and see that I’ve got a couple of text messages on my phone. I read through the one from Josh telling me that he has training tonight, which I know seeing as I know the Rugby teams schedule more or less off by heart.

There’s also a text from Dad just checking in and telling me that he’ll be at the Church Group tonight and that he hopes I had a good day today and that I am ok. I text back to him that I’m good and that I’ll see him tomorrow because seeing his text has made me feel better about where things between him and I could possibly end up heading.

My hopes of hearing from Liam have faded and I decide to drive past his apartment when I head back to Josh’s apartment. As I drive past, I pull up out the front and look up on whether I should go in or not. I slowly decide to get out of the car and walk up to his apartment and knock on the door. There’s no answer so I decide to use my emergency key just to make sure nothing is going on, I slowly wander in and call out just in case he’s in bed. I wander through, it’s still a mess from when Chris’ thugs had messed it up and I can see that there is some order put back into the place but most of Liam’s important things are gone.

I sit down on one of his chairs and find a letter sitting on the table that is addressed to me, I slowly pick it up and start reading it.

“Hey Ben, The past week has made me think about a lot of things lately and about all the troubles that I have put you through.

Our friendship is the most important thing to me and has kept me on a path the best it could be. But, with everything else going on I need to keep you out of trouble and just try and keep myself out of trouble so I’ve decided to leave for a while. I wish I could’ve told you in person but you would’ve only talked me out of it. 

I won’t tell you where I’m going yet but once I’m settled I will talk to you again but just for now, we need to keep some distance because I don’t know what is going to happen.

You are the most special person in the world to me, and I know that this isn’t a final goodbye, but until we can chat again is just something I can’t say.

I will always love you as my best friend, a brother and as a boyfriend (And yes I used that word)

Love Liam”

I sit there and start crying, from since being 5, I’ve barely spent any time either not seeing or speaking to Liam on a daily basis because from that day he helped me walk into school, we’ve always been the best of friends despite our backgrounds. 

I stand there and look around to see what he took and what he left behind, I notice that all the pictures of us are gone as well as every present I’ve given him for Birthdays and Christmas. I wander through the rooms and remember all the moments we’ve had together here.

Eventually, I close the door behind me and wander away from Liam’s apartment, I sit in my car and pick up my phone where Dad has rung me twice. I decide to head home for a bit and get surprised when Dad’s car is in the drive-way. I wander in and he’s sitting at the table “Hey Dad, everything ok?” I say wandering in and sit at the table across from him as he looks pretty emotional.

“Liam came by to talk to me before” he says as I look across at him, surprised by what he had to say. I sit there and nod “What did he say?”, I ask him not sure whether or not he approved of Liam coming over to speak to Dad.

“He wanted me to give you this, he says giving me a box with something inside which as I open it, Dad stops me. “Not yet, he wanted you to open it later when you were alone”, I nod and sit there as Dad speaks almost on the brink of crying, “I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you, I thought you were being dragged into trouble by him again, but he told me everything you had done for him and how much you meant to him”. I slowly start to have tears in my eyes as Dad continues “Losing your mum was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to go through and I thought that I was in danger of losing you in the same way that I lost her… I’m sorry and should’ve trusted you as the impressive adult you’ve become.”

I let the tears flow because the words from Dad hit me in the heart, because I did question whether our relationship was ever going to be repaired but with this conversation I know that we will still always have a bond in our own special way, which is different to what I had with Mum but still nonetheless is special. I get up and give him a hug and tell him that I love him.

I head up to my room and sit on my bed and lay down for a while, just thinking about everything. I look across at the box that Dad gave me from Liam, I pick it up and decide to open it and look inside. When I open it, I immediately start crying again because there’s two notes in it, one from Liam but also one very special message from Mum.

I lift up the card and see an Everton jersey in the box which is printed with Ben 24 on the back. I read mum’s card

“Benjamin,

I’m so proud of you to get through university showing the attitudes of such a kind, considerate and successful young man. I am always proud to tell everyone about your achievements both at university and the work that you have done. I can’t wait for you to be there with you for every step of your life. 

When you unwrap the present, there is something also very special inside that Liam asked if we could add into the gift because he wanted to show how special you have been to him.

Love Mum”

I slowly lift up the jersey and inside there’s a framed photo inside of the three of us when we went to Goodison Park which happened to be not long before Mum got sick. I hold that photo and look inside that there is also another jersey in there except this one is signed by all the squad that Mum wanted framed.

I sit there with both a smile on my face and tears streaming down my face, I realise that this was meant to be my graduation present at the end of the year which hits me that Mum won’t be there for. As I sit there looking at everything, Dad wanders in to tell me that he’ll stay home tonight instead of going to the church group just to make sure that I’m ok. I smile and tell him that he should go, because I know he needs to be out with his friends because any sort of reclusiveness that he re-develops will not be good for him.

I wander over and give him a big hug and ask if it would be alright if I spent time at Josh’s again tonight, of course I don’t give him the full details about Josh, just that he’s a friend and that we’re working on a uni project together.