Life Isn't A Fairytale

I pick up the note and read it smiling:

“Hey, babe,

Sorry, I had to ruin everything we had for the moment, but soon enough the trouble will be 100% gone and we can be back together. I saw both of these in a shop and had to get them for you because it would be able to keep a little bit of me around just until we can get together again very soon. Every day we’re apart, breaks my heart because I love you Ben more than I could ever explain

XX Liam”.

I look inside the box and see a garden gnome painted to be in the mighty Everton colours and I just shake my head. I laugh because I remember one weekend where I had the house to myself, Liam and I were joking all about moving into our own place and how we would collect things and I made a joke of how when I was a kid that I thought Garden Gnomes would come and get me in the middle of the night. 

It’s little things like that, that make me remember why I adore Liam so much and just how cute of a person he is. I take the gnome out of the box and put it on my shelf before I notice there is something else in the box. I pick it up and find another smaller jewellery box sitting in the corner, I open it up and look at a bracelet that Liam has got me. It looks almost like the one that I got from Mum for my 18th birthday that I used to wear every day until it broke and I still keep the remnants of it.

I look at it and notice the inscription and that it reads the exact same as what the one Mum got for me all those years ago. I sit on my bed and think about how much I really miss Liam and that despite all the trouble he’s gotten into, how much I care about him. My phone starts buzzing and I rush to it having this outside hope that it’s Liam but I pick it up and see that it’s Josh calling me. I answer the phone “hey Josh”.

Josh responds “Hey Ben, You were gone before I got back from the gym and I was worried that something was up”. My mind races thinking about everything that happened the night before and what Josh said: “Yeah everything was alright, I just had to get home and get ready for an Online Uni class at 10”.

“Yeah of course…” I hear him say but get the feeling that he’s not exactly convinced by my excuse “Well as long as your alright and I’ll catch up with you soon mate because remember you owe me Round 2” I laugh “Yeah, we have to Round 2 soon” I say before hanging up.

I sit down and look at the letter from Liam and then think about what happened with Josh the night before, the sex was amazing and I mean it is always something special when some lets you be their first at anything but right now, I just wonder if Josh thought of it as us being potentially something more which is why it happened. 

Inside my head, I feel so conflicted because I was angry at Liam and questioned my feelings towards him but with the heartfelt gifts and the emotion he put in the letter, I see the guy that I fell in love with over the years.

Then we have Josh, who has been a rock for me over the past while which culminated in the fact that we fucked and just how emotional the connection is. I just wish I had somebody to talk it over with but there’s nobody that I can really talk to other than Dan, but with him being so close to Josh, I know that it’s probably not the best option right now.

The day just goes by as I catch up on some stuff around the house and catch up on TV, just trying to block out everything that is going on until I have to go to work tonight. The night at work is pretty uneventful nothing really happens and I just go straight home and to bed. The next few days are pretty uneventful as I want to just focus on getting some routine into things. One night after work, I sit in my car and grab my phone and I don’t know why I hit Liam’s number, not expecting anything but just having an urge I let the phone ring.

As the phone continues to ring, I’m about to hang up when I hear Liam’s voice answer “Well… look who finally got around to calling me”. I start getting defensive “You did say that you wanted space” my voice tense before Liam steps in.

“Calm down B… I was only kidding, ease up” he says down the phone “How are you really doing Ben?”. I feel the sincerity in his voice and can feel that he is genuinely concerned about me. I sit there and wonder whether I should be brutally honest about what I did with Josh.

“How do you think I feel? I mean I’ve been worried about you not seeing or hearing from you for a while and right now I just want to punch you so hard at the same time as I want to just be able to cuddle up to you”. I hear Liam mumbling to himself down the line “I just wanted to hear your voice and know that your safe because it’s been pretty hard to see you call us boyfriends but then not be able to talk to each other about things”.

Liam sighs down the phone-line “I know Ben… but I just had to make sure that everything was safe for you and your Dad that none of the trouble with Chris would come back”. I just nod as he continues to talk about everything he’s been doing. The conversation is back and forth for a bit before Liam puts me on the spot “Where did you get the money?”. I sit there playing dumb “what money are you talking about bro?”.

The ability to get direct with me is something that has always been Liam’s strong suit “Ben, I know you paid off Chris to get him off my back, so where the hell did you get six grand from to pay him”. I sigh deeply “I used my Australia money to pay him back”, telling Liam this would probably make him angry so I wait for the yelling down the line I’m about to get.

Instead, Liam’s tone is quite calm considering the situation “Why would you do that? I know how long you’ve been saving that money for and then to do this?”. I listen to Liam’s emotion, instead of being angry, he feels upset about the situation. “Was it really worth losing everything you’d saved years for to give it to a guy that doesn’t need the money like Chris?”.

I take a deep breath “Did Chris deserve or need the money? Of course, fucking not. Did I want to go through all of my savings for my trip to Australia on something like this, not at all”. My voice starts to crack through the tears that are forming “But would I enjoy going to Australia, knowing that there would be a chance you’d be in prison, beaten to an inch of your life or even worse, of course not”.

Before Liam can reply, I keep going “There is nobody other than Dad, that is as important to me as what you are because you are my boyfriend and I love you more than anything in the world and if it wasn’t for you, I probably would’ve had my whole world collapsing”. I hear Liam tearing up “B… Ben… I love you too but there are probably better people than me around who would be able to give you what you deserve”.

I sit there listening to Liam’s words and understand every part of what he says but come to the realisation that Liam is my one true love and although he’s not perfect, he is the person that makes me who I am. “You’re my boy Liam, ever since we met at school, you’ve been in every part of my life, you were the first person I ever had sex with, you were my first kiss and you were the first person I had ever said I love you too, and I still mean it today”.

Liam’s breathing and tears are coming down the line, I sit there “If you don’t want to come home… then let me come and see you ok?” I say not sure whether Liam is going to be happy with me asking him “No… not yet Ben, I’m not ready to see anybody alright, not until I’ve at least started to repay my debt to you”.

“You don’t have a debt to me, Liam, I didn’t do this because I wanted you to pay me back, I did this because I wanted us to have a life where you weren’t looking over your shoulder anymore and just want to actually start living a proper life with my boyfriend especially now that Dad knows”. I hear Liam gasp “W… what you told him?”.

“I didn’t tell him; he came to me one day when I was sitting outside talking up to Mum and he heard everything that I said and he sort of worked things out after you came to visit him and told him everything about how much I meant for you”. I have a small laugh “Plus now he feels bad about how he’s treated you in the past”.

I finish talking to Liam, urging him to come home because he’s always able to stay at our place or at least let me know where he is so I can come and visit him to make sure he’s ok. He says he’ll think about it but I don’t hold much hope that he’ll come home this week.

I drive home and wander into the living room as Dad is watching TV “Hi Ben, how are you?” he asks turning around “Everything ok” as he sees my face. I look at him “oh yeah, things are good, I actually talked to Liam on the phone”.

Dad looks at me “Is everything alright with him? Where is he?” he asks, clearly concerned about Liam. “Yeah, he says he's fine and he doesn’t sound scared or anything but he still won’t tell me where he is and I even inviting him to stay here if he wanted to come home but he said he’d think about it”. Dad nods “Of course it’s fine, I want him to be happy because he has always been apart of our family, and ultimately, knowing Liam is safe and happy makes me happy because you’re happy”. I smile and hug Dad tightly “I love you Dad”.

I head upstairs and sit down and think for a moment and decide that I need to make a call that I know won’t be easy but ultimately, I knew that I would have to do it eventually.