Fear of Love

Rowan found himself sitting, fidgeting, and swiveling back and forth in one of the two black and purple gaming chairs that made up half of the seating in the not-so-great, great room of Tony’s apartment. The silence was thick and tense with Tony sitting on the couch opposite Rowan and looking away. 

“Why did you let me come over if you’re not gonna talk to me?” Rowan asked, the tone in his voice unable to hide his sadness. 

Tony looked up at Rowan but remained quiet for a few more long seconds. “You think you owe me an explanation.” He said breaking the silence. “So, explain.”

The cold shortness in Tony’s voice delivered a blow to Rowan’s chest that threatened to stop his heart. He nodded his response and fought to brace himself. You’re not making this easy. He didn’t know where to begin. 

An apology would have to do. “I’m sorry I’ve been,” Rowan quieted, trying to get his words right. “wishy-washy.” He offered Tony a humble grin. 

Raising a single eyebrow, Tony’s head tilted to the side like a dog trying to comprehend an unusual sound. “Wishy-washy? That’s what you thought you owed me?” Tony asked incredulously. “I’m sorry I used you for emotional support, I’m sorry that I lead you on and then ghost you. How about I’m sorry I left you in the club or I’m sorry I’m such an asshole?” Guilt settled in almost immediately after Tony finished. 

“Those things too.” Rowan confessed, his eyes cast down at the floor. 

“Why?” Tony’s simple question caused Rowan to sink deeper into the leather chair. 

Rowan tried to steel himself, bolstering the emotional wherewithal to follow Amir’s advice. “I don’t know.” Rowan lied. “Well, I do, I just don’t know how to stop.” 

“You choose to stop Row.”

“It’s not as easy as you make it sound Tony. I’ve been so h…” Rowan panicked, his words cut off. “I don’t trust people. Myself included.” Rowan’s voice trembled. “My dad rejected me. He couldn’t have a gay son. The only boyfriend I’ve even had used to hit me. He put me in the hospital and my mom let him pick me up when I was discharged.” Salty tears started to run down his red cheeks. 

“Wait! What?” Tony sprung to his feet, “Your mom let the guy bring you home from the hospital that he put you in?” Unmasked anger ripped out with Tony’s question. 

Wet sobs overtook Rowan, “She didn’t know.” He said between the muffled sounds. 

Blow by blow, Rowan recounted the afternoon that Liam put him in the emergency room, the story he had told the responding officers that questioned him, and the same story he repeated to his mother. “Two broken ribs,” he lifted his shirt and ran his fingers over two barely noticeable lumps in his bottom ribs on his right side. “and four stitches in my left eyebrow.” Rowan looked at Tony. “I told them that I was jumped from behind, that I didn’t get a look at the guy who did it. I protected him. It wasn’t the first time he hurt me or the last.”

“Jesus Christ Rowan! I’m so sorry!” Tony’s rage had transformed into something softer no less unsettling for Rowan, pity. 

Knelt next to Rowan, Tony wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him as he cried. 

“When I was younger, my semen demon would catch me playing house with my sister’s dolls and scream at me. I haven’t had a father since I was fourteen and came out, I have a semen demon.” Rowan told him. “He walked out on me, all of us a few weeks later. I haven’t seen or talked to him since.” 

“Rowan?” Tony was lost for words. How could any parent do that to a kid?” He wondered. 

“I didn’t deserve a dad, I covered for the guy that beat me, and I lied to my mom for months. I’m not a good person Tony. I don’t deserve someone like you.” 

“Rowan!” Tony snapped, not out of anger, but out of a place of compassion. A new understanding of the boy in his arms was taking over. “You didn’t deserve those things. No one does!”

“Something in my mind clicks when I get close to someone, to you. Memories of Liam, my ex, or my semen demon take over and I shut down or I run.” Rowan admitted. “I hit this,” he sniffled to stop the liquid from soaking Tony’s shoulder. “I hit a roadblock.” 

Tony thought back to their last night at the club. How Rowan changed immediately when they started really getting into each other. Rowan seemed to just drop him for some other guy. Then the next morning, when Rowan rushed out of the apartment after they kissed. It was all starting to make sense to Tony. 

This boy, the boy that Tony’s heart had wanted for a while had baggage that explained the contrasting sweetness that could instantly become cold. Baggage that weighed on Tony’s own heart heavily. 

“How can I help you Row?” Tony asked genuinely. “How can I help you see that you deserve to be loved and taken care of?”

Surprised as much by the tenderness in his voice as he was by the words themselves, “I don’t know.” Rowan responded. “I don’t know that you can.” He leaned into Tony, allowing the comfort to wash over him. 

As much as Rowan didn’t think he deserved it, he often found himself feeling safe with Tony. Even tonight, with Tony’s strong arms still embracing him, he found himself fighting the instinctive need to run. He sucked in a deep breath, pushing against Tony’s hug. “Thank you.” Rowan forced out through the release of his steadying exhale. 

“For what?” Tony asked. “We’re friends Row. I’m here for you.”

“I haven’t been much of a friend.” Rowan confessed, his voice faltering once again before breaking back down into sobs. 

“Row, I care about you. Maybe more than I should, but that doesn’t matter. Thank you for your honesty, and for trusting me with your past.” Tony meant it, all of it. There was a vulnerability in Rowan tonight, that he had never seen. “What do you need from me?”

“This.” Rowan said truthfully. “Right now, just this.” He pulled back slightly and landed a soft kiss on the soft skin of Tony’s neck. “Just hold me please?”

And that’s what Tony did. He held Rowan in that awkward kneeling potion until his body ached. “Hey, Row? Come with me?” He asked. 

Rowan looked into Tony’s eyes, finding warmth and comfort, as the other stood and held out a welcoming hand for Rowan. He nodded in quick shallow movements before he put his smaller hand in Tony’s and let the stronger man help him to his feet. Leaning into Tony when he was fully standing, for the first time tonight, Rowan felt himself regain a little bit more of his composure. 

Rowan wrapped his arms around Tony, returning the comforting embrace for several fleeting seconds before Tony whispered “Follow me.” and led Rowan out of the great room, their fingers laced together, down the short hall to his bedroom. With their fingers still laced together, Tony stepped to the side and guided Rowan through the door. 

It felt natural to Rowan when he snuzzled in close to Tony’s firm muscular body, one hand resting on the soft skin just above Tony’s belly button. His fingers grazed back and forth across and through the thin delicate belly hair almost matching the tempo at which Tony’s fingers ran through Rowan’s pink hair. 

They had talked at great length and in surprising depth about Rowan’s past, everything he’s lived through, the early disapproval and eventual rejection by his father, the manipulation and abuse from his boyfriend Liam, who was older than him by more than a couple years. He opened up to Tony about a reoccurring nightmare he had. 

Tony learned more about Rowan in that couple of hours than he had for the few months he’d known the other. As Rowan plowed through all of the negatives in his life, he spoke about all he wished he could be, about his interests and dreams but sadly suspected he was too broken to ever see any of them come to fruition. 

Tony held him close through it all, freely offering Rowan his support and encouragement. Rowan’s uncharacteristic vulnerability weighed heavy in the air as their conversation slowly found its end. All of the walls had just come down, leaving everything in the open and defenseless, for both Tony and Rowan. Just above the heaviness floated a cloud of hope for Tony. He caught hard early on, to remain guarded, he didn’t fool himself about the risk that Rowan offered. However, tonight he felt a shift in the force. 

Maybe? Tony found himself wondering in the aftermath of Rowan’s openness. Maybe his friend could find his way out of the rumination of recalling every trigger that spun him up and drove him farther from finding peace. Hours ago, Tony had decided that he would be there, by Rowan’s side, and walk with him through the storms until they broke up and all of the clouds were driven away by blue skies and the bright sun. 

Tony was tugged gently out of his thoughts by the soft sounds of sleep emanating from his friend. He lay there motionless and listened to the roll of light snoring followed by a wheezy whistle that accompanied Rowan’s hasty inhales. He seemed peaceful, more so than Tony ever remembered Rowan being. Eventually, sleep pulled Tony into its grip and lead him willingly into unconsciousness as well.