Fear of Love

Rowan lay in his bed, alone in his dorm and freshly showered. His jaw wasn’t the only ache he felt. His heart joined in the chorus of hurt as he listened to each voice message Tony had left throughout the night.

Each time Rowan hit play, the sound of Tony’s voice was sadder, slower, and more defeated than the last. Each message ended with an apology and a plea to at least let him know Rowan was ok. He’s such a good guy. Rowan lamented silently. “So much more than I deserve.” He breathed into the dark empty room.

Rowan was listless in self-pity, while he thumbed through each of the several texts until he got to the last message from Tony. He read it over and over. “Fuck Rowan! I dnt no where u r or wht your doing. Hope u r ok. I give up. I’m going to bed.”

Rowan could hear the angst in Tony’s voice as it narrated the text in his own mind each time he read the words. He struggled to push the tempest of emotions that were threatening to burst, down. His eyes stung from salty tears that puddled in their corners.

Rowan pressed the curved arrow to reply and thumbed out, “Sorry, phone died. Was out with Gabi and Devon…”

He stopped mid-sentence, he flashed back to the shower to Quan and his will failed. The tears poured down his face as the levee broke. The hurricane of self-hating shame overtook him, his braces crumbled there alone in the dark.

“FUCK YOU!” He wailed, his voice thick and wet, to no one, to everyone all at once.

* * *

His eyes weren’t even opened yet when Tony fumbled his hand across the nightstand, spilling his half-full water glass of water, in search of his mobile phone. Rowan had not responded to any of his calls or texts throughout the night.

“Dammit!” He blinked the blurring sleep out of his eyes. Seeing the icon that signaled Rowan had at least read his messages brought slight relief to Tony, assuming Rowan was ok.

Tony fought the very compelling argument between his head and his heart. In the end, he sided with his head and decided against reaching out again. It didn’t matter how much he thought he was in love with the boy and his pink hair or how fun and exciting time with him could be, the flip-flopping that Rowan did exhausted Tony. It hurt him, drove him crazy and he didn’t want to keep riding that roller coaster.I deserve more!

Aside from a trip to the laundry facilities in the basement of his apartment building and a short walk to Krogers for some food and booze, Tony spent the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday at home doing schoolwork, binging Netflix and eating and drinking his troubles away. He was resolved in his decision not to contact Rowan again and aside from the compulsory actions of checking his phone, he was successful.

It was lunchtime Monday in the south dining hall, the first time since Friday morning that Tony saw Rowan. He was sitting alone in the far corner of the hall, buried in his laptop. Tony debated for several minutes about going to talk to him or continuing the no-contact path he had taken.

Betraying his own resolve, Tony started towards the table Rowan occupied when he jumped up out of his chair. “Heeyyy!” Rowan squealed before he threw his arms up and jumped into the hands of a big black guy.

Son of a bitch! Tony deflated before making a B line towards the door, hoping to remain unseen.

* * *

“Sup?” Quan asked, barely feeling the weight of the small man in his arms.

“OMG! I’ve been taking one a.m. showers for the last two nights hoping to see you again!” Rowan’s lower lip pushed out into a fake pout.

“Sorry,” Quan let Rowan slide down his midsection, their cocks brushing as he drifted down. “I was at the club wit my boys Saturday night.” His voice was so much deeper than Rowan remembered from the few words he spoke after their shower.

Although it was not how he remembered, Rowan wasn’t surprised at the baritone sound with all that cock Quan was packing. He waved his hand toward the table his food and laptop were sitting on, “Sit with me? Please?” Rowan nearly begged Quan.

“I can’t. I’m grabbin food on the run, man.” Quan explained that he had lab and was running late, but that they could get together later if he wanted.

Rowan, pushed his lip out again, farther this time. “That sucks!” He looked into Quran’s eyes and smiled lustfully. “Later works though. I’m on the 3rd floor, three o nine.”

“Got a roommate?”

“Yes, however, I don’t care if you don’t.” Rowan confirmed. “He’s hardly ever there anyway.”

Quan and Rowan settled on Rowan’s dorm around seven. They hugged again, this time Rowan’s feet never left the ground, and Rowan watched Quan walk away before he went back to his lunch.

Rowan finished up just before his next lecture and powered down the MacBook. He picked up his phone, swiping it awake. “Hmmm” there was still no word from Tony.

There was a familiar pit deep in Rowan’s stomach. He put his phone back to sleep and pocketed it before he gathered his things and scurried out of the dining hall.

* * *

Rowan was showered, cleaned up, and anxiously waiting for Quan by six-thirty. His leg bounced with nervous energy as he sat on his bed and scrolled through his socials. He grew bored of Insta, so he opened Twitter.

He heard knocking almost simultaneous with finding a tweet from Tony that hit him like a ton of bricks. “Sometimes you just have to walk away. #lovehurts”

He threw his phone across the room and stomped to the door. He swung it open, revealing all six foot six inches of Quan wearing a big toothy grin and a white tank top that seemed exaggeratedly bright against his dark complexion.

Rowan fought the initial bratty instinct to slam the door in Quran’s face, to storm off to his bunk and cry, and pine over Tony and his very sharply pointed tweet. He just looked up at the bigger man for an awkward amount of seconds before, Fuck Tony! he stepped aside and waved Quan in.

I can’t do this right now! Rowan pouted internally. He can’t walk away from me.Tony was always there when Rowan needed him, he never seemed upset with Rowan’s flightiness. But what scared Rowan the most what losing the way he felt in Tony’s strong arms, even if that’s what often made him run.

He was dragged out of his thoughts, still standing by the opened dorm room door. Quan was watching him as he zoned out. He probably thinks I’m a freak. “Sorry,” Rowan said. “lost in my thoughts for a sec.”

“All good bro!” Rowan wondered if he was so accepting because he was a good guy or just wanted to fuck and dip. Tony’s a good guy.

“Can I get you a drink?” Rowan asked after closing the door behind them.

“Nah, I’m good.”

He led Quan to his small bedroom, with a bed that was entirely too big for the space, but Rowan refused to sleep in a twin bed.

“What’s your major?” Rowan asked.

“Business.” Quan wasn’t very forthcoming.

“Cool.” He stared out the small window. “I’m taking finance. I want to be a forensic accountant. Maybe work for the IRS or something.” Why am I babbling?

Quan shifted his position on Rowan’s bed and rested his hand on the other man’s thigh. “We gonna do this or what?” His impatience was visually obvious.

Quan’s directness sent awkward chills across Rowan’s body. He was suddenly regretting the fact that he had set this up with Quan. What the fuck are you doing Rowan?He looked apprehensive, he questioned his life, and his decision and he just wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else.

Fear filled his mind as images of Liam flashed just behind his eyes. He felt himself wincing from strikes and blows that were trapped only in his memories. Drone-like, he slid off of the edge of his bed and crawled to Quan like a cowering dog.

Rowan battled the demons, he fought to keep his composure, to not show weakness to the man in front of him. Tony was one of the few people who ever had those ugly images of him breaking down, and he was going to keep it that way. Tony!

He tugged at the elastic of Quan’s grey sweat pants and he shifted to allow Rowan to slide them down his legs. It was so much bigger than Rowan remembered when he took Quan’s cock into his hand.

Rowan stroked the thickening cock, watching it lengthen as he moved along the length of it. Dread bubbled in the depths of his stomach while his tongue circled along the ridge of Quan’s mushroom. Precum had already pushed up and started puddling in the slit.

The taste of his salty precum overtook his taste buds and the heady musk of Quan’s heavy, low-hanging balls seeped through his resistance and Rowan moaned softly. Rowan licked down Quan’s cock and allowed his senses to be indulged.

He licked back up nearly eleven inches of thick brown cock before he opened his mouth wide and covered Quan’s cock head. His cheeks hollowed as he worked his mouth up and down the top third of it, one hand holding the weight of his balls and the other stroking up from Quan’s base.

“Mmmm, got dammit boy!” Quan groaned.

Rowan pushed Liam and Tony out of his thoughts as horny took his mind and body over. He moaned into Quan’s cock as he struggled to take more in. Both of his hands were working in conjunction with each other and his mouth as he took as much of Quan into his mouth as he could.

“Ya like that big dick?”

“Mmhmm” Rowan moaned, the vibrations across Quan’s cock made him hum.

“Dammit boy, you good at that!” Quan’s voice was deep and low.

Rowan liked Quan’s dirty talk, the deep tone of his voice triggered something in Rowan, something that inspired submission inside him. He worked feverishly to illicit more from the other man.

He was surfing a tsunami of endorphins that dulled the ache in his jaw. He moved his second hand to Quan’s cock and stroked both hands up its length, pumping hastily, trying to lead Quan to the edge of insanity, and over.

“Mmm, I wanna get in that ass.” Quan growled.

Rowan’s mind wasn’t firing on all cylinders, he didn’t consider what it would be like trying to shove a log into a pinhole. He was flying high and wanted more, so he came off Quan’s cock and quickly pulled his clothes off.

He reached for the top dresser drawer and handed Quan a bottle of lube. He propped himself at the edge of his bed on hands and knees, waiting anxiously for the other man’s next move.

Rowan’s cheeks were forcefully spread apart just before Quan buried his face between them. His tongue lapped thirstily at Rowan’s entrance before jabbing deep into him. Rowan yelped from the warm invasion and whimpered as Quan's tongue fucked him.

“Dammit boy, you taste so sweet!” Quan mumbled, his tongue half inside Rowan.

Rowan buried his face into the covers and fisted at the bedding, muffling his cries. “Fuck!” Pushed into the mattress.

Quan worked Rowan’s tight little hole, wetting it, blowing cool air against it before devouring him once again, and again. The contrasting sensations sent Rowan into a frenzied fit of overstimulation.

Seconds after Quan backed away, leaving Rowan exposed to the chill emptiness, there was cold liquid running through the cleft of his ass. Then Quan’s finger rubbed and pushed at his ring before it was buried deep inside him.

Rowan squealed, concentrating on relaxing his muscle while the finger sawed into him. He pushed back, trying to fuck himself onto Quan’s hand. There was a second finger, and then a third working him, loosening him, and fucking the screams out of Rowan. He arched his back, head still buried in the bed, and pushed his little ass up as high as he could.

Quan’s fourth finger pushed in, nearly his whole big ass hand was stretching Rowan almost effortlessly. “Fucking God Quan!” Rowan sobbed, thick and wet. “Fuck me!”

“Oh Imma fuck ya alright!” Quan’s voice sounded sinister and hungry.

Quan pulled his hand out of Rowan’s cavity and puddled lube into his palm. After stroking the liquid over the length of his cock, he aimed the blunt tip in line with Rowan’s channel.

Rowan’s first rational thought, wondering how all of that would fit inside him only occurred when Quan pushed up to his hole. He tensed as the pressure increased into a searing hot pain, causing him to pull forward, away from the monster cock trying to invade him.

“Sit still bitch!” Quan growled.

“Sorry. Fuck you’re huge!”

Rowan pushed himself back up and looked over his shoulder to see Quan’s dark eyes focusing on a target, Rowan’s slick hole. Quan’s strong hands buried into Rowan’s hips and held him steady while he tried again, for entry.

Quan sunk slowly into Rowan, both men cussing as Quan’s cock split Rowan open. “Got damn, you so tight boy!” He breathed as he slid deeper.

“Holy shit!” Rowan protested.

Rowan’s crazed grunts were only separated by his crying “Fuck!”

Quan and Rowan were somewhere else and didn’t hear Amir, Rowan’s roommate pounding on the bedroom door. “You homos keep it down, will you!” Both paid as little attention to the muffled yelling from behind the door as they did to his incessant pounding.

Other than the thudding when Quan bottomed out inside him, the pain had waned into a glorious weight dragging across Rowan’s prostate and through his entrance. Rowan moaned and groaned his pleasure. He’d never been a size queen, but once he acclimated to its mass, he wondered how he could ever let Tony fuck him again?

Stop! He ain’t even talking to me anymore! Rowan scolded himself silently.

He was brought out of his thoughts by the pressure of his orgasm building. “Oh god! Oh go…” he trailed off as his cock exploded under him, sending ropes of cum to the duvet that covered his bed.

His mind exploded, and his body burned with desire, with exertion while he rode the waves of ecstasy that rippled through him. A pleasure he had never felt, pounded through his veins while Quan moaned out at the delight of Rowan’s wrecked hole attempting valiantly to contract around him.

Quan’s breathing shallowed, loud and heavy as he climbed to his own pinnacle. He growled “Fuck!” as he found the peak.

Suddenly Rowan was empty, so empty after Quan ripped himself out of Rowan’s core and almost violently rolled him to his back. Quan’s hand stroked up and down his slicked length, he howled, “Oh shit!”

He stood over Rowan, dragging his orgasm to the surface before his inevitable release. Hot cum landed on Rowan’s flat hairless stomach, streaking his pale skin in creamy white ribbons. Quan squeezed and pushed so much thick cum out and across Rowan’s body.

Like an artist fawning over his own work, Quan looked down and marveled at his creation. Both boys were panting, fighting for the oxygen that their bodies were depleted of. Quan collapsed on the bed, next to Rowan. He didn’t care about the wet he lay in, he needed recovery.

“Fuckin A!” Rowan gasped. “I didn’t think that was real!”

“What?”

“Cumming without hands!” His words came out between breaths.

Quan’s laughter was deep and gave Rowan an uneasy feeling, “Yeah, they real.”

They lay there for a little while longer, recuperating from their session before Quan cleaned up, dressed, and left. He smiled at Amir who was throwing daggers at Quan with his evil-eyed glare, as he passed.

Rowan didn’t move, his thin body stayed naked and shaking with cooling streaks of cum across him, and stared at the popcorn-textured ceiling. A wave of fear washed over him when he noticed something in the texture of the plaster. Like one of those inkblot texts, an abstract and angry face snarled down at him. He thought of Liam again, for the second time tonight.

Instinctively, he picked up his phone and dialed by memory. At the fourth ring, he expected to hear the prompt requesting him to leave a message.

Tears spilled from his eyes while he fought the welling emotions once again. There was no beep, no message, just a cold “Hello?”

“Can I come by? I really need to talk to you?” Rowan asked, desperate and hopeful.