“Can I see you again?”
Tom's face was very earnest, and very sweet. I reached down and brushed some hair out of his eyes, feeling the sweat on his forehead. I said, “Well...”
“Come on...it won't kill you. You're a sweet man and we just had so much fun...let's do this again.” But there was something in his face that said more.
I liked him but I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything because I felt conflicted about a lot of things. One was the fact that I knew he liked me the moment we met at Iconic Bar on Richmond Street. It was a place I went to often since it was comfortable and friendly and catered to all sorts of different men. Including Tom, who was more of a twink than anything else. Or at least he used to be and even though his body was nicely muscled, he still seemed like a teenager. But he was only twenty-two, so what could I expect?
I sat on his bed, pulling my socks on, trying to figure out what to say. I looked over at him: at his tan body, his smooth chest, his lovely cock – not too big, not too small – all surrounded by curly dark hair. I had just fucked him and he had been nothing if not eager. But the ten years or so between us really showed. He was at the stage where he could seem both mature one moment and awkward like an adolescent the next. But he seemed unfazed by super-sized equipment which always excited me. His big brown eyes had an open, eager look in them which was hard to resist.
It suddenly occurred to me that I might be attracted to Tom because he looked somewhat like Aravind. His eyes were boring into me. I finally said, “All right. How about at the weekend? Saturday? We can have a meal somewhere.”
I almost said 'first' since it was clear the ultimate destination was someone's bed. His face lit up like Christmas. “Amazing!” Then he kissed me and tried to pull me back into bed. I had to extricate myself from his arms in order to finish dressing so I could get to work. We had decided to go to Tom's place in the north end of the city, so I had a journey ahead of me to get to Lloyd Street downtown where my office was.
Kissing him one more time, I quickly left his tiny flat which was in a neighbourhood I had never been to before. He was a student and certainly lived like one. I decided, as I waited for an Uber, that we would go to mine next time. But I wondered what I was doing. I had worked hard to not live like a student and here I was arranging to meet one a second time.
The car arrived and I shifted my head into work mode.
--
Saturday morning was grey and cool. I lay in bed feeling lazy and feeling horny and feeling a little bereft. Aravind was in London doing some work at the main BBC studio and wouldn't be back until later the coming week. I missed his calm. I missed his body. His cock. I missed his incisive mind and his humour. I was in love. I had been wanting to tell him for weeks, but it never felt like the right time. He was the first man I had fallen in love with and it excited me and terrified me.
I wondered if one of the reasons I had agreed to meet Tom again was to fill the void that Aravind being away had left. Normally when I hooked up, I would barely learn a name. I had spent the night with a couple the previous week and I only learned one of their names. Another reason I agreed to meet Tom again was wanting more of something, but I wasn't sure what. More intensity? Adventure? He was a very sweet, sexy man, so that helped, and he had been so sexually eager. We left the bar in an Uber and when we got to his flat, I threw him on his ratty sofa and dug my way into his pants, fucking him against the back of the sofa, our clothes still on. I came fast and hard and when I was done, cleaned out his ass with my tongue, feeding it to him in a messy kiss.
We had a nap on the pullout bed and then I fucked him again, his legs over my shoulders. After a sleep, I woke up and he was sucking my cock. I watched his mouth stretching around my big tool and I pushed him down, choking him. But he liked it. He made me cum all over his face and asked me to take a picture of pools of all the sticky white on his lips and cheeks.
When I had asked him why, he said, “I like to see pictures of myself like that...it's kind of exciting when I'm jerking off.”
--
Now in my own flat, I stared at the ceiling, the previous evening running through my head. I pulled myself out of bed and made tea, munching on some toast. I texted Tom and suggested a little place near my flat to have dinner. His response was startling and exciting: a close of up his very hard cock. I decided to head to the swimming pool and work off some frustration.
Later, as I waited in the restaurant, sipping from a glass of wine, I started to feel as if I was betraying Aravind. He and I hadn't made any rules about either of us seeing someone more than once. But I could tell that Tom was nursing a crush on me. I almost got up and left the restaurant.
He came in, all bright and damp from the cool night. He leaned down and kissed me. One thing was immediately clear: even a kiss from him made me want to throw him on the floor right there and fuck him. It was electric. We managed to eat our food, but I could barely think. Mostly because he rubbing his hand over the mound in my pants throughout the meal. I was afraid other people would see, or the waiter would notice, but if he did, he gave no indication.
When we were done and the bill was paid, he leaned close to me and said, “I know where we should go.” His face looked eager.
I was almost scared to ask, but said, “Where...?”
“Follow me.”
We got out to the street and into a cab. He gave an address, but I still didn't get it. We got to an ugly row of buildings and he jumped out. There was a metal door with one light overtop of it. I started to understand. “Is this what I think it is?”
He didn't answer, but pulled me through the door into a half-lit entryway. There was an older man behind a pane of glass who took our ten pound entry fees.
We descended a dark stairwell and into the sauna. I almost reluctantly took my clothes off and put a towel around me and slung the plastic bracelet over my wrist with the locker key. I hadn't ever been to a gay sauna and I realized I felt a bit apprehensive. Tom looked unconcerned and he led me by the hand into a large room that had couches and chairs. There were a few men lounging around in the nude, and a couple fucking on one of the sofas being watched by the others.
I said, “Tom...is this a good idea?”
He leaned in and kissed me. “Yeah. It's a good idea. I'll show you.”
Pulling his towel off, he climbed onto the sofa on his hands and knees, his ass pointed at me. There was a jug of lube on a table behind the sofa which he helped himself to, getting his hand all wet. He started to smear his asshole, then dug his fingers in. He turned to me and said, “Fuck me, Sandor. Do it right here.”
I froze, but at the same time I was getting increasingly excited. I looked around and the men jerking off on the sofas looked at me with interest. I pulled my towel off and got my cock nicely hard. They looked at me with more interest. I stood behind Tom, my cock sliding up his ass crack a few times while I got used to the fact there was an audience. The couple fucking on the next sofa had stopped so there was about six guys watching us.
I pushed my cock forward, drilling into Tom's hole. He groaned and pushed back. I could feel him stretch, feel his insides caress my dick as I bottomed out in him with an audience and it excited me. It awoke a hungry demon in me and I started to thrust. Hard. I gripped his hips and pummelled him, our bodies slapping together.
The other men moved a little closer. One got on the sofa and fed his cock to Tom who slurped it in and had his mouth fucked in time with me, who was splitting him open from behind. The other men seemed content to watch, but after I jammed myself in a few more times, a couple of them moved closer, running their hands over my back, over Tom's ass, down my legs. One guy slipped his finger in my hole while I fucked. One got close enough to kiss me which was a surprise, but I liked it. I realized I had lost my inhibitions. I fucked harder and then suddenly pulled out of Tom. I turned to the nearest man and said, “You want this?”
He grinned and got beside Tom, so I pushed myself in his ass. He yelped and froze, but I just kept pushing. When I was deep in him, I didn't wait. I fucked him just as hard while Tom kissed him. Then I fucked another guy on the floor. Another one against the wall. I went back and fucked Tom on his back with his legs over my shoulders. I pulled out and he cleaned my cock off before letting me fuck yet another guy who was kneeling on the sofa, his body bent over the back. I almost knocked the sofa over I fucked him so hard.
I realized after a while there were more guys watching, stroking, kissing, sucking each other off. More guys presented their asses to me, and after a while I had fucked more than ten men before I went back to Tom, wanting to save my cum for him. He was having his own party on one the sofas, sucking off three men. I pushed him backward and got between his legs. I said, “Well, cocksucker...are you ready to take my load?” I barely recognized myself but it was a lot of fun.
I mashed him into the sofa, thrusting so hard the frame was creaking and the springs were complaining. When I finally shot into his ass, I almost blacked out, my body frozen as I felt my cock spurt deep in his body.
I pulled out, gasping, watching a trail of cum follow me. A beautiful man who was beside me leaned down and sucked up the cum, cleaning off my cock, moaning and pumping a load of his own onto the floor.
Collapsing onto the sofa, I leaned against Tom and said, “Was that too much?”
He laughed and said, “For someone in their thirties, you act like you've only just learned how to have sex.”
I had to laugh as well, and said, “I'm making up for lost time. I only came out last year.”
The surprise on his face was impressive. He leaned in and kissed me sweetly and said, “I see. You are making up for lost time. Well done, I say. You fucked about a dozen men tonight. I think that's a record.”
I realized I wasn't surprised. I got off the sofa and said, “Is there a shower in this place?”
Tom chuckled and led me to a shower room. There was a lot of sex going on in it, but we managed to find an empty space and cleaned ourselves off, then stood under the spray and kissed.
--
The sauna was relatively close to my flat, so we walked and got there at some hour of the morning. Inside, we sat on my sofa and I realized I wasn't all that tired. I pulled him to me and we kissed some more, then he said, “Fuck me again, Sandor. Right here.” But he got up and put his phone on the bookshelf by the sofa and fiddled with it a moment, looking at the screen and then at the sofa. I said, “What are you doing?”
He laughed and said, “I like to watch myself get fucked.”
He pressed play, then came back, pulled his clothes off and then I got out of mine. His ass was still filled with my cum, so I only had to slide in, Tom on his back, me pushing his legs out to the side and I watched my huge cock slide in, and then I looked at him and we started all over again, only being recorded this time. I fucked him more gently, more deeply, more intensely. He held my ass in his hands and pushed and after a few minutes, I felt electricity take me over and I threw my head back and almost howled, my cock exploding deep inside him.
Tom quickly sat up and growled, “My turn. Lift up my legs...I want to shoot in my mouth.”
Such clarity. I lifted his legs up so his cock was pointed down and just in time as a few long streams of cum poured out into his open mouth as he stroked himself, splashing on his chin and his nose. He moaned and swallowed, his eyes shut tight. I could feel his body trembling.
When his cock calmed down, I gently let go of him, and then lay down on the sofa beside him. I asked, “How can you be so...I don't know...uninhibited?”
With a low laugh, he turned to me and licked his lips, tasting his cum. “When I was in prep school, another boy and I discovered we were gay and I discovered he was ready to fuck any time of day or night. And he was always finding new ways to do it, new places, new risks. We got caught once in the music room. He was fucking me on the piano. We got suspended for a week, but it was worth it.”
He stopped, clearly remembering. “We dared the cricket team to let us suck them off and to our surprise they accepted. We met them in the change rooms late one night and Brent and I got on our knees and took the whole team. It was amazing and one of them, to my surprise, became my boyfriend for a year or so after that.”
I sighed and said, “I wish I had met someone like that.. I had my first sex with a woman when I was younger, but it wasn't very good, obviously. Now that I've accepted that I'm only into guys I feel like I'm having sex for the first time.”
He put his arm over my chest and stuck in nose in my armpit and licked. He said, his voice muffled, “Poor Sandor. I'm glad you decided to let yourself live.”
I was struck by the way he put it: let myself live. It was true. I felt alive in a way I had never before. And Aravind was part of that. Being truly in love with someone brought me to life. I decided I needed to tell Aravind how I felt. To make a statement. Not just for him, but for me. I turned and put my leg over Tom's and said, “What else did you do with him. I'm curious.”
Tom laughed and kissed my cheek. “Oh, well...we fucked in the shower room, obviously. Um...one summer night I fucked him on the roof. That was grand. One Sunday he jerked me off in the choir stall while we were singing a hymn. I came all over the back of the pew. We had sex with a friend of ours in the local pub washroom. You know. Adolescent stuff.”
I sat up and went to the kitchen for water. When I came into the living room again, he was lying on his back. Just looking at him made me want to fuck him again, but it was too soon. My rebound wasn't that fast. I knew he could have, but he was a decade younger.
We dozed for a while, then watched a stupid comedy program. When it was done, he turned to me and said, “Let's watch us fuck.”
I reached for the phone and started the video. It was odd to see myself with a huge erection, then even odder to watch myself begin to fuck this lovely boy. But it was also really exciting. My dick grew fast and he stroked it while we watched me slam into his plump ass. He leaned over and slurped the end of my dick into his mouth. I gasped and pushed his head down, forcing more into his throat. He gagged, but clearly wanted me to do it, so I held his head and pushed myself as deep as I could. I felt him grab my balls and roll them around with his fingers, holding the base of my cock with his other fist.
I lay back on the sofa and groaned, shutting my eyes. I let him go, pumping, and slurping, gagging. He obviously wanted my cum and I was happy to give it to him, which I did, arching my back and pulling his mouth down as my cock, sprayed his throat and mouth, so much that it slid out of his lips around my cock in a stream. When I was done he sat up and spat my cum into my open mouth and we had a long, sticky kiss, our tongues mixing all that tanginess between us. He sat up and jacked a load of his own onto my tongue and we did it again. His cum was almost sweet, but complicated, thinner and it ran down my throat like water.
We slept in my bed and I woke up to a bright morning. But I realized I was anxious, as if I was trapped in a small locked room. It wasn't anything Tom did, so much as an unspoken sense that he was staking a claim on me.
We walked around the city and talked and shared stories about our lives. But more and more I got the feeling that his life, and his way of looking at the world, felt almost alien, as if I was far older than just ten years. His was a world of social media and ADHD. Of casual sex that quickly got confused with wanting a deeper relationship.
We got back to the building where my flat was, and I said, “Well...I need to get some things done before my week starts, Tom. Why don't we get together next week?”
He looked confused and said, “Can't I stay over?”
I felt myself tensing up. I took his hand. “No. Go home. I'll talk to you soon.”
I could feel him almost panic and I felt bad. For all his sexual bravado, he really was a little boy in some ways. He managed to try to look unconcerned and said, “Yeah. Cheers.” But I could tell it was an act.
With a kiss, I sent him off into the late afternoon. When I got to my flat I threw myself on the sofa and realized I felt relieved to be free of him. I didn't want this. I didn't want to be toying with unsuspecting men's hearts. Intense sex can lead to intense feelings and for some reason I hadn't realized it. With Aravind it felt absolutely right: both intensities felt exactly as I wanted them. But it meant that – it suddenly dawned on me – that I had to be careful if I wanted to continue to fuck guys whenever I felt like it. The thing that really hit me was in order to have the kind of sex I was having, I would have to shut a part of myself off and I wasn't sure I wanted that.
I pulled out my phone and video-called Aravind who I hoped was in his hotel room. His face appeared and his smile was like the best medicine. His dark hair was all mussed and he had a shadow of a beard on his chin that I wanted to run my hand over.
“I miss you!”
“Sandor...I'm so glad to see your face.”
We grinned at each other like children. It felt amazing. It felt right. He had a glass of wine in his hand and he took a sip, then said, “How was your weekend?”
I sighed. “Oh, fine. I met this guy and we hooked up, but I think he's falling for me fast.”
Aravind shook his head, but smiled. “It's dangerous out there, Sandor.”
Wincing, I said, “I know, I know. I have to be careful.” I stopped, feeling guilty. “I didn't want this to happen, Aravind...that someone would fall for me.”
“That is the risk, my duck,” He always called me his duck. I liked it. “Some people can't do casual sex, even if they think they should.”
I looked into his eyes, wishing we were in the same room. I thought about what he said, about casual sex and not casual sex. The sex we had was anything but casual. The question lingered in my head for a while. We finally signed off and I felt better, even though I missed him. A lot.
--
I worked intensely during the next few days, throwing myself into an ad campaign for a new BBC show that was meant to be a hit. It was distracting at least, despite the fact that the show was the same old story of a dysfunctional detective who treats his colleagues like cattle.
The night before Aravind was meant to return, I got a ping on my phone from a guy who responded to my ad with a lot of enthusiasm. He was cute enough and told me his cousin was interested as well, if I was. I decided I was. The ad they responded to was my 'I only want to get serviced' ad which had a picture of my king-sized cock, dribbling some pre-cum. I got a lot of attention from that, let me tell you.
So I went over to the man's house and sure enough, another guy was there who looked a little like him. I sat on his sofa and watched them get in my pants, watched them share my big muscle between them. They were naked and clearly turned on, both of them stroking their cocks while they worked. They each tried to take my whole meaty length, but couldn't quite do it. I got a little impatient and stood up and started to pump myself, their mouths close to the head and when I came they were nothing but avid, slurping and moaning and cleaning each other's faces off with their tongues. They clearly had an extra-cousin relationship, since they kissed madly and stroked their cocks to surprisingly copious orgasms into each other's mouths.
But I felt more or less sated and I realized it was a relief after the intensity of Tom. I didn't judge him for his longings, but I knew I was not the one to satisfy them.
The next day I sent Tom a voicemail telling him I didn't think it was a good idea to meet again and that I wished him well. Then I went over to Aravind's. I felt guilty, but I knew I had to do it. I wished I could tell him it had been a mistake to spend so much intense time with him, but even that conversation would just have been more intensity.
Being with Aravind was the one place I felt at home despite whatever adventures I might have out in the world. It felt safe and welcoming and I could be whoever I was knowing that person was exactly who he wanted me to be.
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