Stan Looks for Solace
The sun was coming in our bedroom window, bathing everything in a bright, warm glow. The sky outside was a pale blue and for a second I imagined it was summer. But no, it was still January. I realized Sergio wasn't in bed but then I could smell coffee so I started to pull myself from the bed, looking for my robe.
But then I heard him on the stairs and the sound of dishes rattling and there he was carrying a tray with coffee and croissants. He hadn't done that in a long time.
He gave me a bright smile and said, “Good morning, Stan!”
“That's very sweet. Thanks.”
I realized I felt confused. Or at least confused by how I felt. Because I felt uneasy. Not all that happy. He made a fuss about putting the tray on the bed, and getting the pillows all positioned so we could eat sitting up. When he pulled himself in beside me, I looked at him. He still looked tired. He still looked stressed. And guilty. I knew what that was. He was still fucking that idiot. It was written all over his face. But I didn't say anything. I reached for my cup and took a sip of my cappuccino. I turned and smiled as sweetly as I could.
Sergio is a very smart man. But in other ways he's a child. So those two version of himself looked back at me and I could see the little battle in his head. I took a bite of my croissant – which was wonderful – and took another sip of my coffee. I said, “Lovely croissants. Where did you get them?”
He seemed relived that I had said something. “Yeah. I went to that new place...what's it called?”
“Jean-Claude's? I forget.” I tried to look interested.
He began to talk about the case he was working on and how stressful it was. About the judge they had who was an ass, apparently, arrogant and insulting.
It was all important, all interesting, but I knew that Sergio was trying to not think about something else.A bitchy part of me wanted to say: What's his cum taste like? Are you going to tell me? But we ate in relative peace and it was almost nice. We hadn't done that in so long, I had almost forgotten how good it should feel. Except it didn't.
But we had a peaceful day. No sex. I, for one, wasn't interested. I was too confused and I had just had an intense evening with Sandor. Sergio didn't seem to be either. That was a first for us, to not fuck at the weekend.
I looked at him, chewing my pastry. I wondered why he wasn't telling me. In a normal world, Sergio might have sheepishly told me he fucked some guy and after I might have scolded him for it, and then we would have both jerked off while he shared the details. It might have been fun. So why wasn't he telling me? It was making me angry and sad.
--
“Bruno! How are you?” His face looked surprised and happy when the Whatsapp screen appeared.
“Stan...lovely to see you, too.”
It was the next Thursday after I got home from school and Sergio was working, as always. I didn't expect him for a while. I was almost as happy to see Bruno as I had been to see Sandor. Bruno was becoming a very good friend – with benefits.
“I was wondering...are you around this weekend?”
“Sure! You two thinking of coming down?”
I suddenly felt scared, but I said, “Uh...just me. Sergio has to work all weekend. He's in the middle of a big case and it's taking all his time.”
Bruno isn't dim. He caught something in my voice. “Are you two all right?”
What could I say? I had no idea if we were all right. “I don't know, Bruno. Can I come down and I'll tell you about it.”
“Of course you can come. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.”
I almost started to cry. What is it with simple empathy that opens the floodgates? I managed to say, “Thanks, Bruno. I'll be on the afternoon train tomorrow.”
I told Sergio in the morning and he seemed relieved. “I'm glad, Stan. I feel bad that I'm leaving you alone most of the weekend.” He paused for a second, then said, “And if you two...well...then you have my blessing.”
For a second I had wanted to yell at him. Because I knew he had shagged Marcus the night before. Again. And he came home two days before and I could smell it. It was in his clothes. The smell of a guy in full rut, ready to fuck. But I couldn't say anything. I was too hurt. Too angry that he didn't tell me. Was this the new normal for us? I hated the idea of our relationship devolving into secrets.
--
I got off the train in the Bristol Temple Meads station. The cavernous space was full of people who pulled me along into the main building and somehow there was Bruno looking happy. He threw his arms around me and I almost started to cry again at the simple affection, the warmth, the closeness. That was what had been missing between Sergio and me for quite some time. He released me and I noticed his dark curls were shorter and he had an adorable scruff on his face. I ran my hand through his hair and said, “You cut your hair.”
With a laugh he said, “I got a job as maitre d' at this new restaurant downtown so I have to look respectable. I'll tell you all about it when we get to my place.” He took my shoulder bag and led me out of the building.
We had been to his flat a few times in the past year, but this was the first time on my own. It felt strange. I felt for a moment like I was betraying Sergio, but then I thought, fuck that. I was the one who had been betrayed. Because that's how it felt. It wasn't that he was having sex with someone else. No. It was the fact he wasn't telling me about it. That's all I wanted. Him not telling me meant there was something to hide. That's what felt like a betrayal.
I sat on his sofa and looked around the small, cluttered flat. Bruno still lived like someone who just left home, as if he hadn't found his place yet, which maybe was true. He sat beside me, looking serious. “You want a drink?”
I looked at him and started to cry. I had been holding back all this time. Being fucked by Sandor had helped, but now I just felt sad. He threw his arms around me and I let loose, sobbing into his shoulder. It was a relief, actually.
When I had got it out of my system, I sat back, sniffling. We were silent for a moment, and I could tell he was waiting. I finally said, “It's not that he's shagging this guy...I could have been fine with that...it's the fact that he's continued shagging this idiot and that he hasn't told me, which feels like he's got something to hide.
Bruno looked puzzled. “How do you know he's still fucking this guy?”
I chuckled, saying, “Oh...I can tell. I could smell it on him, for one thing. You know, the smell of a guy when he's all hot and wants to fuck. Sergio smells that way. You smell that way...but this smell was not Sergio.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful. He said, “Yeah. I've been seeing this guy a few times recently...I can smell it on him.”
I was suddenly curious. “Anyone you want to tell me about?”
With an embarrassed shrug, Bruno said, “I don't know...I really like him. But I'm not sure if he's as into me.”
“What's his name?”
Bruno got up and went to the little kitchen. He same back with two glasses of wine. He handed me one and we clinked them. He finally said, “William. He's gorgeous. I met him at the restaurant. He was having a birthday dinner for a friend of his and when they left, he stopped and gave me his number.”
I could see it on his face. He had a big crush on this person. I felt very happy for him and then immediately very sad for myself. “I'm glad, Bruno. I hope he treats you well.”
Bruno knew what I was saying. He said, “You two will figure this out, Stan. I know it. When I met you in The Azores I could see that you two were solid. If you want to know, I think Sergio's career is getting in the way. I've know a few lawyers over the years and they have a hard time with relationships. They're too busy, they're too ambitious, the job is too all-consuming...”
His words surprised me. He had been paying attention to us which felt good. But I also agreed with him. It wasn't Sergio so much as the demands of his profession. I said, “I hope you're right...I mean I hope it's just his job that's getting in the way.”
He was silent for a moment, then put his glass down. He looked at me, then shrugged and pulled himself on top of me so he was sitting on my lap facing me. He undid his trousers and pulled out his cock which was surprisingly hard given we hadn't done anything. He was stroking it really slowly and looking me in the eye. I looked down at his prick which was nice and plump, all surrounded by trimmed black hair. He sat up on his knees so his dick was level with my nose and stroked some more. While I watched, I unfastened my trousers and pushed them down so my own cock could get some air.
The end of Bruno's dick was getting wet and as he continued to stroke a thick blob of pre-cum formed on the end, then started to stream down like syrup. I moaned and stroking myself harder, stuck out my tongue and caught it as it drooled from the end of his cock. It was sweet and tangy at the same time and I almost blew it tasted so good. Bruno grinned and squeezed his dick again, and even more oozed out. “You like that, don't you? I'll give you more than that...”
And he stroked harder. I kept my mouth open, licking globs of it off the end and I jerked myself along with him. He threw his head back and swore, then looked down at me. “Are you ready?”
I just smiled and opened my mouth wider just as his dick burst and he made an agonized groan, streaks of cum rocketing into my mouth and on my lips which I hungrily swallowed, my own cock exploding and I shut my eyes as cum ran down my fist and all over my crotch, then running onto my balls.
Bruno sat down and somehow managed to push my cock into his hole, all wet and slippery. I couldn't fuck him, but it felt amazing. Lubricated by all my cum.
We sat there for a moment, breathing heavily, just staring at each other. He leaned in and kissed me, licking a stray blob of his cum off my chin. “Things are going to be just fine, Stan. You'll figure this out.” Pulling himself off the sofa, he said, “Let's go out for dinner. I have nothing in the house.”
Laughing, I said, “You live like a student, Bruno. You're what? Twenty-nine?” I got up and looked around, wondering how I was going to wipe myself off. Bruno chuckled and ran to the kitchen sink and found a cloth which I used to clean myself up.
When I was done, he handed me my coat. “You're right about my age. My mother gives me aggro all the time about it. But my new job has calmed her down.”
“You're making a decent wage now, I guess?”
“Very decent. Let's go.”
We walked through the wet streets. Bristol was quiet and damp, but not as cool as Manchester. We got to a little place a few streets away. It was warm and quiet, but still busy. I wondered for the millionth time why there aren't more quiet restaurants in the world. We sat at a little table in the corner and a tall blonde man with very short hair came over. He grinned at Bruno and said, “Hi Bruno. Nice to see you.”
I could tell they had fucked at some point, but obviously were still friendly. Bruno grinned back and said, “Finn, this is my friend Stan.”
I smiled at him and he shook my hand quite firmly. He was very sexy. “Hi, Finn. I like the restaurant already. It's so quiet!”
Finn looked pleased. “I'll be sure to tell the owner. That was a big part of what he was trying to do.”
We ordered some martinis and settled ourselves, catching up. Bruno was very comfortable to talk to and over the past year I could feel a strong friendship building. I think even without the sex it would have happened.
The rest of the evening was relaxed and, frankly, boozy. By the time we paid the bill I was quite tipsy. Finn had been attentive and very flirtatious with me which I enjoyed. And I enjoyed it because I both missed feeling that from Sergio and because I had decided that it was only fitting that I have some secret fun as well. I know it was a little adolescent on my part, but I was still pissed with him.
When the bill was paid I looked at my phone and realized it was after midnight. I looked around and the restaurant was empty. Bruno was sitting back in his chair, looking at me with an expression I couldn't quite read. Finn came back and said, “Can I get you anything else?” I could tell he didn't mean from the restaurant.
Bruno sat up and said, “You still live upstairs?”
Finn's smile got bigger. “Yes...”
I looked at Bruno, liking where he was taking things. He stood up and put his arm on Finn's shoulder. “I was wondering if we might come up for...oh, I don't know...a nightcap?”
Finn looked at Bruno, then at me. He reached out and ran his hand down my chest stopping just above my crotch. He said, “That sounds lovely.”
So we went upstairs. Apparently Finn had lived there for a while and had got the job at the restaurant long after he moved in. It was a small flat. Really just two rooms, sparsely furnished. He made a show of pouring us some wine, but I knew where things were headed.
When we were sitting on the surprisingly large, but somewhat worn sofa, Finn put his wine down on a little table and leaned in close to me and said, “You are a sexy fucker, you know that?”
Feeling brazen, I pulled his face to mine and our mouths were suddenly glued together. It felt almost strange, since I hadn't really kissed anyone but Sergio and occasionally Bruno, for quite some time. But I was excited and I quickly got busy in Finn's trousers, which he helped me open. I pulled out his nice-sized, cut cock and stoked, while he sucked on my neck. I felt Bruno's hands and he pulled my shirt off, running his fingers over my back.
He whispered in my ear, “I want to watch Finn fuck you, Stan...”
I felt a buzz of excitement at how quickly things had moved. And then how quickly Finn fed me his plump cock which I sucked greedily. His pubes were long and tickled my nose. He smelled a little sweaty and very horny and my own cock, being pulled out of my pants by Bruno, was hard as rock. He sucked me for a minute, then pulled my pants off. Finn threw his shirt across the room then moved back and hiked up my hips. Lube was produced and soon Finn began to slide his surprisingly thick cock into me. I made some sounds and took his nipples in my fingers and squeezed. His chest was all covered in blonde fuzz and his nicely developed pecs were firm, his flat stomach smooth and his cock, when it dug deep into me, stretched my hole in very nice ways.
I turned and saw that Bruno was sitting on the floor beside us, his pants open, stroking. He was grinning at me. I turned back to Finn and pulled him down and we kissed as he nudged his cock in, stretching me by rotating is hips, drilling his prick deeper. I ran my hands over his smooth, plump ass, my fingers finding his hole and massaging their way in. He gasped and started to fuck me hard. It all felt dirty and amazing and I wanted to escape into it forever, to forget the pain and worry about Sergio. And for a few minutes, I did. Finn fucked me fast and hard and when he filled me with his cum, he shut his eyes and groaned.
Bruno slid over and engulfed my cock in his mouth, so I fucked his face, blasting his throat, throwing my head back while Finn continued to fuck his cum into me. I was in the mood to be taken, and Bruno pushed Finn out of the way and took me, sliding his cock in around Finn's cum and pounding me into the sofa which creaked and groaned. I was familiar with Bruno's energy and sailed away on it, feeling I could cum again if I had any left in my body.
When he had added to Finn's juice in my ass, he pulled out and made me clean his cock off, ploughing my face while I ran my hands all over his firm ass cheeks. It felt like an exorcism. I wasn't sure what had been exorcised, but I felt better.
We piled into Finn's bed and I was asleep almost immediately. I woke up in the dark to Finn's voice saying into my ear, “It's your turn, Stan. Will you fuck me?”
So I did. Slow and deep and Bruno kissed me when I came and I collapsed onto Finn, sweaty and sated.
We slept until mid-morning, then Bruno fucked Finn while I watched. I was too spent to do anything else, but I certainly enjoyed the show. We all had breakfast down the street at a little cafe. I drank a lot of coffee and we talked about stupid things until it was time for Finn to go to the restaurant.
Bruno and I walked home in the chilly afternoon. At one point he asked, “How are you feeling?”
It was a good question. I looked up at the ash-grey sky and said, “I feel amazing for having been with you two all night. But I still feel kind of sick about Sergio. I don't know what to do.”
Bruno was silent for a moment, then he said, “If you could have anything right now, what would it be?”
There was a cool breeze and it felt like it might snow. I turned to Bruno and said, “Sergio would quit his job and we would go live in Tahiti.”
Bruno laughed and put his hand on my back for a second. “But realistically?”
With a sigh, I said, “Him quitting his job. Finding something less all-consuming. He could teach, you know. He's got the credentials. I don't know why he doesn't do that.”
Bruno didn't respond, but he looked thoughtful. He finally said, “I really want you two to sort this out. It's important to me that you sort this out. Your relationship is what I aspire to, so you can't fall apart now.”
That was touching to hear and it made me sad again, but it was also nice to feel that Bruno saw something in us that was worth wanting. I realized he was right. We did have something special. I knew we did. We just had to find our way back to it.
I finally said, “I agree with you. I just need to figure out how we're going to get there. It all feels like a mess right now.”
It did feel like a mess and I wasn't sure I had the ability to clean it up. The day was darker when we reached Bruno's flat, the drizzle that had been falling was turning to sleet or something messy like that. We got upstairs and Bruno ordered some food that was delivered and we ate in front of the television, watching something stupid. It was nice to have him beside me since the last thing I wanted in that moment was to be alone. We drank wine, but I wasn't in the mood to get drunk. We ate some ice cream and talked about Bruno's boyfriend who I would meet over brunch the next morning, even though Bruno wasn't convinced much was possible with this guy.
When we finally went to bed, I told him I just wanted him to hold me. No sex. Whatever we had done the night before had been my limit. I just needed human comfort. So we got undressed and he wrapped his strong arms around me and we lay for a long time not talking. I was so glad of his friendship and I wished crazily that Sandor was there on the other side of me so that I could be held. I even wished Carols could be there, even though I knew he would never in a hundred years lie naked in bed with one guy, much less three.
I finally dozed off, but before I did I had a clear memory of Sergio and I in that hotel in Vanuatu, lying in a similar way: comfortable, comforting and secure. I knew suddenly that we could get back there. I just wasn't sure how.
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