The Book of the Blue House

Conn understood why Derek had given up his small room. Everything seemed to be happening in the greater room, where Conn considered the piled books and ashtrays filled with stubbed cigarettes revealing that while he and Nialla had slept, life had been happening there. But now it was time for sleeping, and Conn burrowed into the pile of blankets and clothes on the sofa while Lorne crashed into the large bed that was actually his own, but rolled so far into a corner there was still space. Conn saw that when Lorne had gone into bed he had gone wrapped in a large blanket and so now he knew that there were so many piles of covers that no one was really stealing blankets or privacy. Gabriel lingered in the room talking a little to Cal and one of the first years—Conn thought his name was Andrew and he liked him a great deal—who was still not ready for sleep. Their chatter disturbed no one and, of course, if they had wanted sleep they surely could have had it like Nialla and Sara who had gone back to bed in Derek’s unused room.

Conn’s whole first day had been made of occasional naps, and when he woke there was a dim light from the kitchen, shining on a night blackened room, and Derek and Lorne asleep in the large bed with a great empty space between them. He heard snoring, and he heard small noises, but in all these connected rooms it was hard to tell the origin of each sound. He needed the restroom and got up to head down the little hall toward where his sister and Sara slept, entering the wash room. He finished, cleaned himself, washed his hands and trod across the large room to the kitchen, where a little light was still on. He wanted water and he heard the noise from Cal’s huge room. He poured water from the coldbox and drank it slowly while listening, then, at last, went to the room withs its open door.

Moonlit, in the middle of the large bed in the middle of the large room, Cal lay on his back, half sitting up, and Gabriel, white and beautiful, knelt on him, fucking himself quickly, his mouth parted, neck arched in pleasure while small noises escaped his mouth.

“It’s alright baby,” Cal said, in a slow voice that held none of the sarcasm and drawl it had earlier, “it’s alright. I told you I’d be here for you.”

Eyes closed, sweet Gabriel panted and pumped himself quickly on Cal, whose hands rose up occasionally to touch him while his mouth opened wider until, at last, Cal rose from the bed, and the moonlight was white on him when he turned around and, Gabriel wrapping his thighs abut Cal’s waist, the curly haired priest began slamming himself into Gabriel while Gabriel’s hands went around him. Conn knew he shouldn’t watch, but almost as he said it a new inner voice, said, “Why wouldn’t you?”

He ached. He was so hard, and he realized that, in some way, he had ached all day for this affection, could nearly cry out for something that was so near to him and so far even as he heard Gabriel moaning like someone being punched while Cal fucked him harder and harder.

Conn came back into the dark room, and the light from the bathroom was off as Derek came out, naked, and looked at him. Derek came to him and the two of them heard and watched Cal and Gabriel.

“Why doesn’t he shut the door?”

“Because he isn’t a shamed,” Derek said. “It’s how we are. We are here for each other. We love. There is no shame.”

And then shuddenly, Derek hugged Conn tight, and Conn ached to bursting, and Derek said, “Come on, Connleth, why are you on that couch?”

Derek led him back into the warm bed, and he spread the cover over him and they huddled together. And then, Connleth kissed him quickly, and Derek kissed him hungrily, not shy at all. Under the covers the two of them struggled to pull off Conn’s thin night pants, and they gave themselves up to touching and squeezing and kissing, rubbing each other’s hair and arms, all of their bodies, pressing together tighter and tighter until Derek gave a surprised cry and Connleth shuddered, felt an erupting and then realized the two of them must have been spilling together at the same time, a hot syrup blossoming in the bed between their stomachs.

Exhaustion and contentment overtook him. A strand of Derek’s hair in his mouth, the tension over, just this holding Derek he’d wanted all day since he’d met him. This softening after the hardening. They clung together tighter under the warm covers and soon fell into sleep.

Something was tickling his chest, and Conn tried to ignore it, but every time he did, it returned. Like a bug. He slapped it away, heard laughing, and blinked himself into wakefulness. He was under the soft covers and the laughter was Derek’s.

“Time to get up, sleepy head. At least for a little bit.”

Derek lifted the covers above them, the room was still in semi darkness.

“Oh, it’s not time for you to get up,” Derek clarified. “It’s time for me to get up, but I didn’t really want you to wake up alone and think I’d just left you.”

Conn scratched his head and reach for Derek. They both tumbled out of bed naked, and Derek had it easy because he simply reached for a robe and slipped it over himself. It was Conn who struggled for night trousers and a shirt, but luckily not socks, for the rooms were carpeted.

He stretched and yawned.

“I could sleep two more hours,” he confessed.

Derek looked at him seriously.

“Should I let you go back to sleep?’

“No,” Conn shook his head.

“Do you have to…? Go to the temple? Or…?”

“We are in the temple,” Derek said.

“You know what I mean.”

“Go to the rooms and have sex with visitors is what you mean,” Derek said, baldly.

“No, I don’t. That’s done for the week. Funny,” he said, picking clothes up from the floor, “how we all swear that we are boys of such high energy we’ll do that forever, and after about three years we peter out.”

“What’s it like?” Conn asked. Then he said, “It’s none of my business, really.”

Derek shook his head. “I’m not offended. None of us is offended, Conn. Not by your questions. I don’t know what it’s like. It’s like being a Blue Priest, I suppose. It’s different for all of us.. I know what it’s not like. That’s the only way I can describe it.”

“Then….” Conn shrugged, “what is it not like?”

“Let’s see,” Derek had been crouched on the floor, and there he remained, thinking. “It’s not like being a prostitute. That’s the first thing. I am not paid. Though you could say the Temple is paid and we live in the Temple, but it isn’t as if we are forced to do anything and none of us seems to do it very often. I’ve never been a prostutite but it’s my understanding that a john picks a prostitute and a prostitute must do whatever a john wants. It’s not really about that here. It’s sort of the other way around. I… have never been asked to explain it, so I may not be very good at it.”

Derek shrugged.

“Or maybe that’s exactly what I am? A part time prostiture.

“But there is more because Blues do not only serve the public. They serve each other. I guess that’s what it’s like. So many people are ashamed of their desires, or they need to be touched. They need it. Men are dying to touch another man and be touched. Some people say you don’t need that. It’s not a need and its not important. And there are even some people who say it is dirty. But sex is holy, even when it’s not lovemaking. It’s a need and it’s good to meet that need for someone. And for each other.”

Conn did not ask the question he wanted to, but Derek had been ordained three years and so he said, “And now you want to know what the difference is between being a Blue and what we did last night?”

“I hadn’t thought it,” Conn lied. “But yes.”

“That is a harder one,” Derek said, looking away. He stood up now and sat on the bed beside Conn.

“I didn’t really bother to think about it. I… guess you want to know what’s the difference between us and what you saw with Cal and Gabe? I dont know that there is because I think Cal and Gabe have something for each other. I know though, that whenever a Blue is ordained, he has to go on what’s called a Journey. Once upon a time we did not have Houses. We traveled the roads and gave ourselves to men who needed us. We still do. And when you go on your journey you go with a brother. The purpose of the brother is that you do not use sex with the unordained to simply fulfill yourself so brother priests protect each other, but they must also be drawn to each other, because they are required to fulfill each other’s needs and desires.”

“And you had one?’

“I did,” Derek said. “But he left the House, left the Order, and I was offered a new one, which I turned down, though in time, Lorne was there for me if I needed that. But… needing a friend for your temporary desires is different from…”

Derek cleared his throat. He was more uncertain and unable to speak than he thought he would be.

“It is different with us because you are not ordained, because you look at me like I’m just a person and we’re just two people who like each other, and I really, really wanted to be with you. I don’t know if I’m explaining this at all well.”

Derek stood up. He cleared his throat and his voice changed.

“Conn, do you want to spend the day with me? It’s not going to be fun. I have to do laundry. But… we could eat together and everything, If you’d like?”

When Conn was slow in answering, Derek said, “I hate laundry and completely understand—”

“No, No, I do,” Conn said.

And then he said, “I like you, Derek. A lot. You don’t have to be shy around me. I like you a great deal. I like how you take your clothes off in front of me and don’t think about it and aren’t trying to seduce me and you just look lovely. I like last night. I want it again. With you. I like the way we are, even if we don’t really know how we are. Okay?”

“Okay?” Derek nodded, smiling a little, feeling like he was the young one and Conn the elder.

“I’ll even do laundry with you.”