The Book of the Blue House

The last Hyrum of Hyrum House had died in his sleep at the age of forty-eight, the age that a Hyrum was supposed to retire, when he was still young and fit, but had years upon him. It was a great surprise, for he who had been named Leander before becoming Hyrum was fit and handsome and strong. Only the Gods knew why he had passed.

The natural order of things was for a Hyrum to retire and then for the new one to be voted in. For three days there was a great ceremony and in one of those days the old Hyrum would come and make love to the new one, and then he would depart. None of this had happened for the current Hyrum. This time around things had been quite different.

If things had happened as they were supposed to, then the current Prior Sebastian would have probably become the new Hyrum. Still handsome, but in his middle years, his passions slaked and replaced by wisdom, he would have been the natural choice and done all the things the head of the house was supposed to do. But when special circumstances occured, the abbot was chosen from on high than rather by a vote in the house, and when the old Hyrum could not pass love to the new one, or when the new one was far older than the last one, then an Abbot was declared by the Great Council. The Blue Houses were in trouble, and this time around what was needed was far more than a handsome and charismatic head of house who could say that he had bedded every initiate as was the tradition. This time they needed a wise head to pull them out from their financial troubles and their run ins with the other orders and the royal court.

And so the Great Council had turned to Philemon, born in the land of Chyr and who had done his work as a Blue there for years before being sent to the temple in Kingsboro. Everyone knew that in a house of free love where anyone might lay with anyone else there should be someone who wouldn’t, who could not, and aside from the financial skills Philemon had developed in the the temples in the west, being nearly fifty, he was the perfect choice for a purely administrative Abbot.

Philemon, so used to being a father, or even a grandfather almost, was surprised in the few times he still did the old Blue work. Unlike a younger abbot or prior, he would never have brought himself down to the Blue Chambers. He had to be asked for. He felt foolish when he came to the realization of still being a sexual person, not only being the wisdom and heart of the Blue House, but a Blue himself, splayed naked on the bed in the blue room while the boy who said he wanted to be with a mature man worked him with his mouth. Philemon had surprised himself when, in the end, he had gathered the boy into a ball, and spent the fury on him that he thought he was past. The Blue Rooms were always a lesson in humility and the end of illusion. The Blue Rooms always held the motto: Let sex be your teacher.

And so it was with a lightness of heart, feeling almost like a boy again, this current Abbot Hyrum came to the great gardn of the roof, traced with walked and lined by trees where they could gaze on the city below He saw Derek Annakar in a high collared black coat, his black hair blowing in the breeze, looking almost evil.

“You’re jealous,” he told him.

“What?”

“I have seen the look many times on the faces of young Blues, and those not so young too. You’re jealous. You haven’t learned the lesson of the Blue House,”

Abbot Hyrum looked down into the courtyard where Conn played in the snow with Matteo.

“You choose to love so many, but you begrudge him the same. Is that right?”

Derek bit his lip.

“That’s the thing,” Derek said, at last. “I don’t love many.”

“You love Cal.”

“It is not the same.”

“No. You love Anson.”

“He is gone. Master, Do not talk to me as if you did not understand the difference between the brotherly love most of us have for each other and… being in love,” Derek balled his white hands into fists.

“Finding your heart.”

“And you think Conn is your heart.”

“I know he is.”

“Conn is,” the Abbot said, “very understanding. And you are being very… not understanding.”

“He loves him,” Derek almost wept. “He loves Matteo, and I know. And I’m ashamed to be this hypocritical thing I am. But he was supposed to be my heart, and I was supposed to be his. And…”

“His heart is big enough for others.”

“I thought mine was too.”

“Derek, in this world, most people do not share their lovers. You have to decide what you want. If you are to remain a Blue you must learn the lesson of overcoming jealousy. If you want to not feel as you do, leave and make a life with Conn.”

“I cannot do that,” Derek said, looking at the Abbot a little shocked.

“I thought I couldn’t do it because I was called to this life, and now I can’t do it because that smile on his face, that love he has with Matt… I wouldn’t take it from him. As hard as it is to bear, I wouldn’t take anything from him that caused him joy. And… in my way, I love Matt too. It’s just… very hard.”

“Talk to him.”

Derek shook his head and jammed his hands into his pockets.

“I’m ashamed. Of these feelings. They make me feel petty.”

“Is that all?”

Derek was surprised by the question, because it was not all.

“I am afraid,” Derek said, looking away, looking to the city below and then lifting his face to look across the river at the rose colored towers of the Kingsboro.

“I do not regret what I have become, but I can never be innocent again. And I love his innocence. Some men cannot stand what happens in the Gorgon Rooms or in the Blue Rooms or the Sanctuary. We aren’t like others. It’s hard, to keep your love, hard to remember why you’re here. There’s so much to face, in your heart and in the hearts of the men we meet, so much…” Derek shook his head, “that happens when your body and part of your heart becomes something any man can have. Even with the wardings, the spells, the rituals, the guards…”

Derek turned to Hyrum.

“Master, there are some things I’ve done, some things I’ve experienced, ways I’ve felt, confusions I’ve had that… I do not wish for him. I never want him to lose that light in his eyes.”

“And do you think you have?”

“Have what?”

“Lost the light in your eyes?”

“Sometimes,” Derek shook his head. “Sometimes I’m not sure who I am anymore, or what I am. Conn saw that light. He made me feel it again, and I am so, so very afraid for him. This was my path. I chose it, and I love it the way you love anything that belongs to you. But I would not have my actual brothers choose it, and it scares me to see Conn choosing such a life.”

“But in the end it is his choice,” Hyrum said. “If he should choose.”

“I know,” Derek sounded defeated as he nodded.

“Derek,” Hyrum reached out and lifted Derek’s chin. He touched the young man’s cheek with the back of his hand and Derek bit his lip and tried to not look at the ground.

“Talk to Conn,” Hyrum repeated. “Talk to your friend whom you love, and find the light in your eyes again. Learn to be happy.”