My Freshman Year

I’m coming out of a deep fog……Black,… pain,….restrains,…. I can’t move,….I hear noises, voices….. Beeping,….I can’t open my eyes, what’s this dream?… I can’t talk,…. I cant seem to wake,… I’m trying. I don’t know where I am, am I still in the car its pretty quiet, I see flashbacks of a trailer headed toward us. My heart begins racing, where’s Josh? ….What happened?.... Where am I? ….Suddenly I hear moms voice, “He’s Awake! He’s Awake, I know it, he’s awake, he’s trying to move”. Suddenly noises gather around close, someone is grabbing my hand, someone is pulling something out of my throat. I choke and almost barf, suddenly Moms voice “Dave,… Dave…. can you hear me”? Gruntingly and in pain, sore throat and gravely voice I whisper  “Mom?..... Mom?.... Is that you, where are you”? “Yes Honey I’m here and my hand felt more hands touching it, then I heard another voice “ Dave”? I replied “Dad is that you? Where are you, why can’t I see? What’s happened? Where’s Josh"? Just then I heard mom begin to cry and apparently walked away.

Dad began, “Dave….. you and Josh were in a horrible accident, we’re outside Cleveland in a hospital, you’ve been in a coma”, I interrupted, and mustered enough strength to speak the words, “But where’s Josh”? Dad continued as he squeezed my hand harder than I ever felt before, as he said “Well, as of now he’s alive” as I began crying through the bandages over my eyes, “But what”? I said. Dad continued “He’s in worse shape than you, he’s in a coma too, yours was induced, his was not, he was here in Cleveland, but they air lifted him to New York City, his parents are with him now, time will tell”. I interrupted again, “Take me there, I need to see him, please take me”.  Dad said “No Dave, we can’t he’s too bad, and you are just coming out of a coma,  the doctors have a lot of work to do with you, Dave I’m sorry,…. son I know,…. I’m so sorry Dave”. “But dad I was driving, it’s my fault! Oh my god, it’s my fault!” Dad squeezed my hand, he was actually hurting me, “NO! Dave it’s not your fault,….. No! A truck lost control and hit you, there was nothing you could do”. I replied “Dad I got to see him, He needs me, I know if I can just talk to him, even if I can just apologize or something, I know it I need to see him, he wants to see me”. “DAVE! NO”! Dad shouted.

Mom came back, I couldn’t stop crying, the nurses and doctors told me they would give me something to calm me down, I shouted louder even though it hurt my throat, “NO! I didn’t want anything”, I need to be fully awake, nothing to calm me down. Then the doctor began describing my injuries to me, broken arm, leg in 3 places, broken ribs, a punctured lung, glass was removed from my eyes, they can take the bandages off in a few days, if we’re lucky you’ll have most of your vision back, but can’t guarantee full sight, I’ve been in a induced coma for 2 weeks, to keep me still, we brought you out of it today. I tried to scream “Two Weeks! What? NO!. Can’t Be”! “Yes” dad said, “mom and I have been here since they called us, we had to call Josh’s Parents, and I have to tell you they don’t blame you either, they call us or we call them every day to see how each of you are doing, Dave, I have to tell you Josh’s mom is a strong person, she and his dad have more strength than I could ever muster, they are facing an uncertain future with Josh and yet they still care enough about you to check on you every day, Damn I could only wish to be that humble”. crying I said “Oh Dad take me to him Please! You got to” as I began sobbing more. “Son, I would if I could, but I can’t, not yet anyway. I can only imagine the pain this is causing, Physical, mental and in your heart. We all still love you, and Josh does too”. Then Mom said “Have faith son” and began praying while dad left the room crying, it’s amazing what your ears can pick up when you can’t see, just then I felt a needle go in my arm, damn doctor or nurse gave me a sedative. “No! No” and I was out.

I woke a few hours later to mom rubbing my good arm and hand, I heard a familiar voice, and it was Tommy, “Welcome back buddy” he said. Mom said “Tommy drove here just to see you, he was here a few weeks ago and now he returned here this afternoon”. Crap I thought I must be bad if Tommy came all this way twice. Mom left me with Tommy, I then begged him to get me to Josh, and at least tell me what he knew, he also refused, but hearing his voice was comforting, I had people around me, except Josh, Tommy whispered at me that he just knows we’ll both be OK, just try to relax and do what they say, the sooner you get better the sooner you might be able to get to Josh,” that was all I needed to hear and I was bound and determined to get well enough to travel, but it was painfully obvious that Josh was in bad shape and if he was that bad I had to talk to him, asleep or awake before anything happens, I’ll never forgive myself if he dies and I didn’t get to say goodbye, he was my everything, shit what am I saying he "IS" my everything!!!  No “was” about it.

A Day or so later, the doctors removed my eye bandages and even though the lights were off in the room it was too bright, then he was shining a stupid light in them and I followed his finger and he smiled saying they look better than he expected, I turned my head and saw mom and dad, they looked terrible, tired and disheveled, but I could see them, I reached my hand out and mom came over and grabbed it, and I told her I loved her and dad. I then looked at myself with IV’s tubes and bruises and casts and bandages, then I realized I had a god damn catheter in my dick and I realized that when I saw the yellow bag of pee tied to the bed. I said “Shit if I’m this bad I can’t imagine Josh, Any news on him”? “Please”?

Mom said she spoke to his mom last night, and mom told her that I was finally awake, and they were removing the eye bandages today and his mom asked if you were up to it, she would like to talk to you tonight, if that would be ok. I said “Oh YES! Please, is she still at the hospital with him”? My mom said “Yes they haven’t left his side”, and then explained they were actually here at this hospital before he was transferred and they leaned on each other quite a bit.... OK, I thought to myself, I have to compose myself and think about what I’m going to say to her tonight. God what do I say?

Later that night I was taking liquids myself and they told me they could take out the IV if I kept it up. You know I was bound and determined to get that accomplished, each day I was going to set new goals and get there. The doctors were impressed with my progress, then mom’s phone finally rang, it was Josh’s mother, I could tell by my mom’s conversation with her, it sounded like there was no change in Josh. Which saddened me and I began to cry, Mom put that damn flip phone to my ear as I tried to hold it with my good hand and said in a cracking voice, “Hello”…… and then I began crying…. Josh’s mom began crying too, saying “Dave”? “Honey, are you there”? “Yes it’s me, I’m here” I answered, my mom then grabbed the phone from me and held it to my ear for me as she saw me struggling, as I wiped my eyes, and barely got out the words “How’s Josh”? She answered he’s the same, and still in a coma”. I said “God I am so sorry, so, so sorry” she said “I won’t hear any of that young man. It wasn’t your fault, please don’t blame yourself, Josh would never allow it”. I mustered out “OK” and she said “Listen, Dave, do me a favor, I know you want to be here, but there’s nothing you can do but get better there yourself, but I’ll tell you one thing I hope you can do, Can you please talk to Josh, he’s right here, the doctors said he may or may not be able to hear us, but told us to talk to him anyway, he hasn’t responded to anything so far, but it can’t hurt, I just want him to hear your voice, Please, can you do that for me”? I said “Yes absolutely, I’d like that”, she said she would put the phone on speaker and up next to his ear…..as she said “OK, Josh honey, I have Dave on the phone and I’m putting it up next to your ear, please listen to him”, then I heard her say “OK Dave, go ahead”.

Joahhhh….sss..hhhh? You there baby?, I love you, …….. don’t you dare die on me…… we have plans…. Oh Josh, I’m so sorry bud…. Please don’t leave me…… please…wake up and get better, and I will too…. I need your fucking ass…, uhhm I’m so sorry.. Just then I heard his mom, “Call the doctor! Call the doctor”! I begged to know what was happening, to no avail, I heard all kinds of noises and the room was filled with voices, then silence……… “Hello”, I said “Hello,  hello, hello”, suddenly it sounded like the phone fell to the floor, it was hell not knowing what was happening, but something was defiantly wrong, then someone picked up the phone and began talking “hello”, I demanded to know what was going on with Josh, she said “I’m a nurse here and Josh just opened his eyes”. I began balling my eyes out as mom and dad came to me and hugged me. It took about 20 minutes of an open phone line as we listened to the scuttlebutt in his room, mom switched it to speakerphone, shitty as that flip phone speaker could muster. I finally heard Josh’s mom who picked up the phone, “He’s awake, he’s blinking his eyes, he can’t talk but his eyes are open, the nurses are working on him now, thank God, thank god, I knew hearing your voice would help, I knew he could hear us”. I began yelling into the phone. “Josh , that a boy , I knew you could do it, Baby I love you, I love you”, hoping the speaker phone was still on, when his mom said “keep talking Dave he’s responding more you’re still on speaker, he can hear you”, she said “Josh blink if you hear Dave”, she translated saying “he’s blinking, thank god he’s blinking”. She said she was going to go, please let her go, she assured us she would call back as soon as there was more news, I said good bye and couldn’t stop crying.

No additional news came tonight although I hoped we’d hear something. The next morning mom tried to call Josh’s mom and it went to voicemail, she left a message. All I could think is that things went south and the news wasn’t good. I waited all day, Finally that night moms phone rang, she put it on speaker, “Hello” I said, then a weak sparse voice said  “Dave?... Dave”? It wasn’t Josh’s mom……then the voice said, “Pudgy”? I yelled out “JOSH! JOSH! IS THAT YOU”?  the voice replied “It’s me, Pudgy who’d you think it was”? He continued “I guess we had quite a ride, huh". “Shit Josh”…. as he was crying, and I was crying, we said nothing after that, just listened to each other balling (and not the good kind of Balling) then Josh’s mom and dad and my mom and dad talked for at least an hour, before breaking it off to go to bed, it was the best night of sleep I’d had since the accident, at least without drugs.

After that night we spoke every day and our voices to each other gave us each strength to go on and heal, finally I was well enough that they were going to release me, and Josh’s parents invited all of us all to stay at his house, Mom and Dad and I, and we could drive into the city to visit Josh while he recovered, until he could be transferred back upstate closer to home. I looked at mom and she immediately said yes, dad said he had to get some additional help at the store but was reluctant to drive to New York, I jokingly said I’d drive, and he swatted at me. And then said “yeah I guess we can go”.

All casted up and in a quarter body cast they got me into the car as dad drove away from the hospital that was their home for the last month. Then I realized and asked, what have they been doing for clothes, mom said Tommy brought some to them, “Oh my god Tommy was here, when did he go”? Mom said he stayed a day and went home. I asked mom for her phone and said I need to call him. “Did they find my phone? Dad said no it’s probably gone, but the police have everything in evidence until its released they’ll let us know”. I immediately thought oh no the pictures we sent back and forth, I hoped no one would see them.

We drove straight through, I had to guide dad as we got close to Josh’s town and I directed him straight into the driveway. He got out went to the door and rang the bell, Josh’s dad came out and hugged him patting him on the back, he immediately came to the car to help get me out and into the house, they sat me on a chair in the marble floor foyer, mom followed behind with bags of prescriptions and dressings. Josh’s dad had a wheelchair he unfolded and they got me moved to it. I began to introduce them, and Josh’s dad said “No need Dave, we’ve already met”, of course they did as he hugged my mom. His dad explained his mom was still staying at the hospital, he said we’d drive into the city tomorrow if I was up for it. I said “You can’t keep me away”. He excused himself as he took mom and dad upstairs to a guest room to get settled, and then the doorbell rang, I maneuvered the wheelchair to the door opening it and I was shocked, it was the damn delivery guy with a bag of food, Yup that same delivery guy, his mouth dropped open and he said what the hell happened to you?  I told him it was a long story and hoped I could explain it to him one day, as I took the bag in my lap and asked if we owed anything he said no and left, I wheeled it into the kitchen and they came downstairs and we ate.

After dinner I noticed a large box leaning against the couch, Josh’s dad said that was on the front porch one night that I came home, some kind of delivery Josh must have ordered. I said Holy crap! I forgot that must be the picture I ordered for him for Christmas.

to be continued "the reunion"