My Freshman Year

Josh and I piled into the back seat of dads car and we headed to Jerry’s Restaurant, we took the larger corner booth, mom sat next to dad and Josh next to me, he scotched over, a bit unusually close, as dad asked us both how college was going, and mom thanked Josh again for being a good friend to me. Dad asked about the girl situation at school, with that proud father attitude, and that he also had hoped we were behaving, as Josh piped up saying “yup all is good in that department”, and giggled. We told them about our visits to New York City and how I’ve been spending weekends at Josh’s and how great his parents were, as well as some insight as to his family’s home, and how they were considerably well off, as Josh clarified saying “it’s just a the keep up with the neighbors type thing”, and then explained that his dad was a lawyer in NYC and did very well in life. Josh talked about the love of his parents and talked them up quite a bit, and how understanding and open they were, kind of mentally preparing my parents not to be condescending. Mom and dad admired the way he spoke of his family. We both spoke of how my parents were and all the good things about them, my dad was proud of me and how I spoke of the hard times and how although Josh and I grew up very differently we both had wonderful upbringing and life experiences.

We all placed our orders, dad got his usual Chicken parm , mom lasagna, Josh and I went with the Chicken parm as well. Dad ordered a beer and we all got sodas as we filled up on salad and bread. We continued to talk about the first semester and all that Josh and I have been doing through dinner, Dad seemed impressed with Josh and his overall attitude, saying “it’s such a pleasure seeing how caring and wanting to make a difference attitude you have”. “You are sounding like a fine young man, you’re parents should be proud of you”. I assured dad they were.

Wow I thought Josh is really laying it on thick, how can they be upset after all the good that’s being said here at the table. After dinner we ordered desert and some coffees, tea and more sodas, I think only because Josh was with us, as that was unusual for my parents. Josh put his hand on my knee and squeezed, as I looked at him and he shook his head yes, and I whispered “OK here goes”.

“Mom? Dad”?.... I need to say …. I mean… tell you guys something… puzzled my mom and dad looked at me. “Mom,… Dad,…. I hope it doesn’t change things…. But….. I think I’m gay….. I mean I’m gay, I am Gay”, as Josh squeezed my knee considerably harder in support. Mom spoke first “Oh Honey it’s probably just a phase”, then dad said “Well, don’t that beat all, I often had a feeling but I guess its confirmed now”. I was turning red with fright and embarrassment as I began to tear up. That’s it,…. it was out,…. I said it,….. there’s no taking it back now. Mom asked “Are you sure”? I said “pretty darn certain….. You see… Josh is my Boyfriend”…… Did I just say that? ….Oh my god… what happened to taking this step slowly here? We are only 4 hours into our visit and its all out in the open. Josh piped up, “Yes, I’m gay too, and my parents have been very supportive of us and they love Dave and support him, and they recommended we come tell you in person, in fact we’ve been a couple since the beginning of September and I love your son very much”.

SHIT!...... Josh just said he loves me, …….Holy crap that was the first time! ……And it was in front of my parents,……. my world wanted to stop again, and I wanted to hug and kiss him right there, but I held back, as did he, but as he said it, he put his arm around me. I then said “Mom, Dad please don’t hate me”. My mom said in a kind of pissed mood “Oh Dave, how could you say anything like that”! Dad was just quiet as he sipped his coffee and picked at his cake. I sensed some disappointment lurking, then Josh asked my dad “Well sir do you have something to say”, and dad said shrugging his shoulders, “Well… it is what it is, I was hoping to be wrong, so much so that I never mentioned it to your mom”. Mom said “well this is a surprise, But are you sure”? again, and I sensed her Christian bible lessons kicking in, but surprisingly dad just said well, we have 3 weeks or so to get used to this idea, let’s let it sink in a bit, it’s an awful lot to take in so quick and unexpectedly. I was surprised to seem to get more support from dad than from mom. Just like that it seemed to be tabled.

We finished our food and headed home, when we disclosed that Josh was Jewish, but a non practicing as well. My dad laughed and jokingly asked if I was converted yet, then from out of nowhere he said “make sure if they if they do convert you, you tell them you’re already circumcised, cause you don’t want them making that thing any smaller”, so surprised by that comment, Josh burst out in laughter, and blurted out, yeah, he was done as a baby in the hospital, he didn’t think he could deal with that whole bar mitzvah thing, and everyone kind of giggled, lightening the mood considerably. The rest of the short trip home was unusually quiet, Josh looked at me, smiled and rubbed my thigh back and forth, he knew my anxiety level was building. His welcome touch gave me some relaxing comfort. Josh then spoke up and said, and announced to my parents “it really isn’t a problem” but he’d be glad to stay at the motel if they wanted him to. I suddenly was saddened, seemingly he had given up. Then Dad spoke up and said nonsense, you’re welcome at the house, my mood swung to happy again, but mom remained silent.

We pulled into the front yard, and dad took the air mattress and a pump from the trunk, we went in the back door, mom picked up 2 logs, I took 3 and handed them to Josh, and then took 3 for myself and as we entered the house, you could smell the deep aroma of Christmas tree as the twinkling colored lights blinked on and off in the dark room. We dropped the logs near the wood stove, where I put a good load into the stove and got it going, that warm feeling of home at Christmas filled my lungs and heart, and I could see in Josh’s eyes he was taking it all in, but loving it too. Dad headed for the stairs with the air mattress. When mom suggested “maybe it would be better to set Josh up in the dining room”. I looked at Josh and he blurted out accommodatingly, “really that would be fine, whatever works best for you”. My heart shrunk with sadness again. Then dad said rather sternly back at mom,” I’ve already lost a daughter, and I’m not going to lose my son too”, as mom shrunk away, dad went upstairs with the mattress and Josh looked at me dumbfounded with his eyebrows raised, and the most wrinkled forehead I’ve ever seen. I quietly shook my head and waived him off indicating I will explain later.

We went up to help dad, and my room was so small that the mattress just fit between my bed and the wall, but being the door opened into the room, the door wouldn’t be able to open with the mattress there, so he opened the door all the way and inflated it, so it was obvious the door would have to remain open. This probably was a good thing in mom’s eyes but it didn’t ring my bell too well. We sat and had some small talk in the Christmas living room, and Josh kept commenting how warm and cozy our home filled with Christmas spirit was, and the warmth emanating from my parents and the importance of this holiday to them. Josh told me later he really felt like he was imposing on a very personal thing. I told him absolutely not, my parents are just that way, this was home to me, I thought to myself, small, cozy, and intimate family time, not the huge dustless house with white marble floors and granite countertops, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t knocking Josh’s lifestyle but I definitely missed my home.

Dad threw some more logs on the fire and we headed up to bed, we only had one bathroom between the 4 of us, so we all took turns filing in and out, while Josh was in the bathroom putting on his brand new dark blue with white pinstripes pajamas, I put on my sweatpants and tee shirt. Josh came into my room trying to balance himself, as he tried to walk on the air mattress, he wound up dropping to the floor on his ass. I laughed and commented on the nifty PJs, then mentioned that even his PJs looked to be ironed and had perfect creases. He giggled and threw his folded clothes at me.

He laid on the floor and I sat on the bed dangling my feet across his torso, we talked a bit about how things went today and what we should have or could have done different. He then asked cautiously, “What’s the story behind my dad’s daughter comment”. I began the story. Well I had a sister, Charlotte, she was born 3 years before me, and she died at about 6 months old, they don’t know why, but it was in her sleep, most likely SIDS, mom and dad always blamed themselves. Even after I came along they were both so overprotective of me they hovered over me, they shielded me, and they kept me sheltered, I never knew her, but I was always living in her shadow. I think that’s when my parents became more religious. We were always a close family but she was always there. Josh hearing this for the first time was caught off guard and apologized profusely saying I didn’t know or realize, he raised himself up and hugged me. His hug felt so welcome as after today, I really felt further from him, even though he’s been supportive and touching me since we got here.

I lightened the moment by asking him, “hey you said something to my parents tonight at dinner, I kinda forgot what that was, do you remember what that was”? He looked at me very puzzled. I said “You know that thing you said,… um…. Something about love”? Then a smile came over that cute dimpled face with the blue hypnotizing eyes and he said nonchalantly, “you mean that I love you”? I said “Yeah I think that was it”. He said “Well yes Dave,…. I do…… I do love you”, and he sat next to me on the bed and gave me a big wet kiss with a long hug, and he repeated it again “I love you”.

With that I said “I forgot how hot the upstairs got with that darn wood stove”, and I took off my shirt, Josh followed suit and took his off as he climbed down onto the air mattress and into the old musty sleeping bag. It was so warm, before long I took the blanket off and just had the sheet on, and Josh threw the top of the bag open.

Sometime in the night I felt Josh climb into my small twin bed, like we’d done that day in my dorm, I somehow knew, but still didn’t fully wake up, I just kind of instinctively made room for him unconsciously, as he pulled the sheet over us and he spooned me. I suddenly slid into a deep comforting sleep. Morning came, and I was just cherishing the feel of my boyfriend spooning me, his naked chest touching my naked back, feeling his morning wood poking my ass cheek, even through his PJ pants and my sweatpants were between us. I lay still as I stared out the window, when I heard mom come to the open bedroom door, I pretended to still be sleeping, as I watched her in the mirror on the wall opposite her, hoping she wouldn’t make a big deal and wake us, as she leaned against the woodwork and tipped her head, I only could think she was disappointed. Then thankfully she just headed downstairs.

Josh and I woke a few minutes later and I told him I was glad he joined me last night, but then told him, my mom saw us this morning, he apologized and said the air mattress must have a leak as it deflated during the night, and he didn’t want to bother anyone, and that being with me, felt just right. I took a shower first and dressed in the bathroom, I headed downstairs, while Josh took his shower. When I got downstairs mom and dad were sitting at the table, apparently discussing something. Expecting a lecture, mom looked at me and smiled, then she said, I looked in on you boys this morning, and Josh was holding you so lovingly in his arms, it was heartwarming, that this stranger has taken over our role of protecting you, as she began to tear up as dad hugged her offering relief and strength. Then she looked at me and said “he does love you, he was in that stupid twin bed holding you in such a comforting way I couldn’t imagine why I ever rejected the idea”, now I began to tear up, as I moved in to hug both mom and dad.

Just then Josh came down the stairs and saw us in the dining room, after seeing us, as he began to back off, but then said “Is this a private hug or can anyone join in”? As he moved in grabbing the 3 of us, but not before giving me a slight pinch on the ass. Then when we broke apart, I ran my hand through his still wet hair and said “We do have towels here in the country you know. As mom headed to the kitchen, and dad said, we’ll take that mattress out of there unless you boys want to find the leak so you can have some space, and Josh said “no offense, but I think I’m done with that air mattress, if you don’t mind”, and dad ran his hand through Josh’s wet hair smiling and said “OK then, but behave, Please.