Losing My Religion

Seth’s story

It was Monday morning and Eric and I headed out to our first classes. We walked across campus together and then split up as Eric headed to his film class and I headed to Philosophy 101. I walked into the lecture hall; it was massive! It had stadium seating with a seemingly uncountable number of seats, it was nothing like the classrooms in high school. I was about ten minutes early and took a seat near the middle of the room where I could see the screen and the whiteboards clearly. I sat there as the other students staggered in and sat down. I saw Zach enter across the room; I had forgotten that we had this class together. I tried to flag him down, but he acted like he didn’t see me. I say acted, because I know he saw me. He had done an incredible job of avoiding me since he freaked out and jumped out of my bed the other night and it was making things in our suite extremely uncomfortable for all of us.

Shit! It was obvious Zach was dealing with something. I assumed he was struggling with his own sexuality and living with me was making him face his own demons. I also thought maybe he liked me too, but instead of talking to me about it, he seemed to be blaming me for it. I didn’t do a damn thing to deserve this. Yeah, so I made out with Matthew at the party, that was stupid. Bu so what? I’m single and Zach was supposedly straight, what the hell was wrong with me having a little fun? Soeing my oats a little. If Zach wanted me, hell all he had to do was ask. But he didn’t, instead he took his inner struggle out on me. So, I sat in the massive, cold lecture hall all by myself staring at Zach across the room wondering how the fuck to fix this.

In between staring at Zach and thinking through our situation, I was able to listen to the lecture and take notes. I liked the class, it helped me open my mind and made me think about things from a new perspective. At the end of the lecture Zach managed to sneak out before I could get near him. The rest of my classes went well, and I was done by midafternoon. I didn’t start my new job until Wednesday, so I had some time to kill. I stopped by the Student Union to grab a snack and a Coke then headed up to my room. I walked through the lounge of our suite and into our room, when I opened the door there was Eric, sitting on my bed with Max making out. They heard me come in and looked my way. After a few seconds of being stunned, I looked at Eric, laughed and said “Oh, so you called him. Was he interested in you?” They both laughed at that. I was happy they connected, they were both nice guys and seemed good for each other. The farmer and the big city boy. I dropped my books off, changed into my sweats, grabbed my laptop and Philosophy book and headed to our lounge to study, giving Eric and Max some privacy. As I walked out of the room I said “Um… can you guys move to Eric’s bed? I sleep there.” They both turned bright red as they got off my bed and crawled up the ladder to Eric’s bunk.

I was in the lounge studying with the hallway door open (the international dorm signal for “come in and interrupt me, I’m just studying and looking for an excuse to stop). Gina came in a plopped down “So have you sobered up from the other night yet?”

“Yeah, thanks for getting me home. I don’t think I’ve ever been that drunk”

“It was the Wapatuli. That shit’ll kill you!” Gina said laughing.

“What the hell is Wapatuli?” I asked cluelessly.

“The shit you were drinking all night! It’s basically fruit juice, whatever booze anyone brought with them, and some 90 proof ever clear poured into a garbage can. Welcome to college life in the Midwest my little friend.” Gina said as she punched my shoulder. As disgusting as it sounded, there was no denying I quickly developed a taste for the shit. “So, Zach still avoiding you?”

“Yup. We had philosophy together and he sat across the room pretending I wasn’t there. I tried cornering him a few times yesterday and he kept sneaking away. I don’t know what the fuck his problem is.” I said as my tone moved from frustrated to pissed off. I mean, seriously. Why was the guy pissed at me?

“Really? You don’t know? C’mon, Seth you’re not that stupid!” Gina almost yelled, “You know exactly what his problem is. He’s a closet case that met a guy he’s falling for and is forced to face reality.”

Her words stunned me. Yeah, I had been thinking the same thing, but I assumed I was just dreaming. Hearing it from someone else felt like a confirmation. Was this hot, funny, sweet guy wrapped up in denial really falling for me? Did I want him to fall for me? No offense to Zach, but shit I was way past all the coming out bullshit, did I want to deal with his drama? Gina and I talked for a little longer before she took off and went back to her room leaving me to sit alone and study. About twenty minutes later Zach walked in. We were alone for the first time since he started ignoring me.

“Hey Zach” I said in a happy voice as if there was nothing going on between us.

He grunted back a “hey” without making eye contact as he walked toward the door to his room and pushed his way through the door. I pushed my books aside and followed him in shutting the door behind us. There we were face-to-face, me facing Zach, and Zach facing his issues.

“C’mon, we live in the same suite, you can’t avoid me forever and we’re making Teddy and Eric uncomfortable as fuck. What’s your problem with me?” I asked boldly. I was done letting him avoid me. He just went about his business putting his books away and avoiding eye contact. I sat on his bed wordlessly forcing him to either endure the silence or break it.

It was a good ten, very awkward minutes before he finally said in a pissed-off tone, “This shit may be easy for you, but it’s fucking hard for me. You just get to fuck anyone you want in the middle of a party, and I have to pretend to be your straight fucking friend and be cool with it.” WOW! There was a lot of shit to unpack in that one, angry statement. I tried to catch up to the conversation in my head… what had he just said?

1.) “This shit may be easy for you.” What ‘shit’? Being gay? Easy for me, meaning it’s not easy for him? What’s not easy for him? MY being gay, or maybe HIS being gay?

2.) “You just get to fuck anyone you want in the middle of a party.” Okay, that pissed me off. I didn’t ‘fuck’ anyone, I drunk-made-out with a random guy… but I’ll deal with that misinformation later. Yeah, it was a little slutty, but I don’t think anyone really noticed or cared, and technically I still had my V-card.

3.) “I have to pretend to be your straight fucking friend and be cool with it.” THAT was the million-dollar statement. “Pretend” to be my straight friend? So, is he NOT straight? Are we more than friends? Is he NOT cool with me making out with Matthew because he was ashamed of my behavior, or was it because he wished it was him?

FUCK! I was so damned confused, I honestly didn’t know if he was slut shaming me, coming out to me, or both? Or neither? Or something completely different altogether? How the hell was I supposed to respond to that?! “You’re either coming out to me or calling me a slut. Which is it so I know whether I should hug you or beat the shit outta you?” The room was silent for about three seconds then he started to laugh.

He FINALLY looked at me. We made eye contact for the first time in almost two days. Those beautiful, sweet hazel eyes looked so freaking tormented as he stuttered “I… umm… I… hug me.” A tear rolled down his cheek, damn he was struggling with this. I stood up, walked over to him and threw my arms around him. He clutched me so tight as if he was trying to squeeze the air out of my lungs. I heard his sobs in my ear and felt the wetness of his tears on my shoulder. We just stood there embracing as he pondered admitting it out loud for the first time. If you made me guess how long we hugged I’d say it was a lifetime. It felt like time stood still and the world around us ceased to exist.

“So now what?” I asked him.

“I have no fucking clue, Seth. I don’t have a gay brother and a bunch of gay role models at home waiting to call me brave, tell me they’re proud of me, and welcome me to the club. I have a homophobic dad who only gives a fuck what the public thinks of him.” He whispered into my shoulder.

He was right, I was damn lucky. I remembered the cloud of fear and angst that I lived under when I realized I was gay and still living under my father’s rule. Brad and Scotty saved me by getting me out of that house. I also remember what the rejection from my mother felt like when I finally told her. I felt bad for being pissed at Zach, his situation was kind of fucked up.

We were still standing and embracing with Zach’s head on my shoulder when he said, “Remember I told you about my friend Chris who came out and my dad wouldn’t let me see him?”

“yeah” I whispered quietly with my arms still wrapped gently around his perfect body.

“There’s more to that story” he said with a sniff. “My dad was up for reelection at the time and his opponent started a rumor that my dad was having an affair with a teenaged boy. I wouldn’t be shocked if the rumors were true.” Zach was pouring his heart out to me. “Chris wasn’t the guy, but my dad said having a young faggot hanging around would just fuel rumors and ruin his political career. He has his eye on being Governor someday.” Zach inhaled deeply trying to push his sobs down, “Can you imagine what he would think of a gay son?! Hell, he’s probably got issues of his own he’s ignoring, he sure as fuck won’t want to deal with mine.”

My heart went out to him and in my head, I thanked god for my brothers and friends for changing my world and letting me be me. I didn’t really know what to say, hell I didn’t know if I should say anything, but I felt like I needed to. “I’m proud of you” I said. Those four words meant so much to me when I was coming out, I hoped they’d mean as much to him.

I guess they did because he squeezed me tighter, sobbed and eked out a tearful “thank you” then, I got a peck on the cheek.

We stood in silence basking in the intimacy of our warm embrace. I broke the silence “So, what do you need from me? Silence? Friendship? Support? Nudging? You think about it and let me know. Okay? I’m here for you”

“This. I need this for now. Just keep hugging me and telling me I’m…” then he broke down in a full out and out ugly cry “keep telling me I’m not alone. Okay?”

Dammit that hurt my heart, but his request was okay by me. “You’re not alone. I’m here for you. I love you, buddy.” I said those words to him because when my brother Brad said them to me a few years ago, they changed me. They made being me alright. Besides, I DID love him, maybe it was too soon to proclaim a deep-down romantic love, but I loved him as a friend. I loved all my new friends. No more was said, we hugged for a long time, then we had a quick talk about how to handle his situation. He asked for my silence for now,

I agreed but told him that I wouldn’t lie for him. “If someone asks, I’ll tell them it’s none of my business and if they have personal questions to ask you.” He didn’t like that idea too much but agreed to it. “You control that information, not me. Deal?” I asked. He nodded. I just didn’t want to be forced to lie or go back into the closet. We had a mutual understanding. We were friends (Hopefully someday much, much more), but he was straight until HE decided to come out.

Our first week of school was a good one. To our friends and suitemates, it looked like Zach and I resolved our differences and were just becoming good friends. No one seemed to question why we spent so much time together… we were all getting along great. Teddy kept hitting on Gina, and Max spent a lot of time at our place as he and Eric got closer. Eric and I started at Starbucks and both loved it, things were way more laid back than my store in Phoenix and we both felt appreciated by Andy the manager. We genuinely had fun working together.

It was about 11:30 Saturday morning when my brother Brad called to see how I was doing. I was getting ready to go to lunch with Zach.

“So, how’s it going with Zach? Is he talking to you yet?” Brad asked. So, I told him the whole sorted tale.

“I’m not sure how to handle the situation, I don’t even bring up the gay thing. I figure he’ll talk when he’s ready” I said, “We’re friends, and as far as the world knows he’s straight.”

“Have you thought about inviting him to church with you?” Brad asked. Brad. My brother who freaking hates all religion just suggested that I take him to church. “It aint’ my thing, but I remember how much it helped you come to grips with everything when you decided to come out.” He was absolutely right. I found safety and comfort in community.

“Damn, Brad. That’s actually a good idea” I said and heard him laugh loudly on the other end of the phone.

“Don’t be so shocked, baby brother. I ‘m not as dumb as I look.” Brad joked. We talked a little more, He put my brother-in-law Scotty on the line for a while, then I hung up and went out to the lounge to meet Zach for lunch.

Since I was paying for the meal plan, I tried to eat most my meals at the cafeteria, so we made our way across the campus. We loaded our trays and found a small table in the corner. “Hey” I said nonchalantly. “Do you want to go to church with me and Max tomorrow?” I asked as casually as I could.

“Church?” He asked giving me a weird look.

“Yeah, church” I said matter-of-factly. “When I was trying to figure shit out it helped me feel better. Less alone. This isn’t a ‘praise Jesus’ or ‘you’re gonna burn in hell’ kinda church. It’s more about fellowship and they preach about just being a decent human being. Just think about it.” I said picking up the slice of pizza in front of me and looking over the table into those fucking brilliant hazel eyes.

He smiled back at me and unexpectedly said “I’m in. Let’s get our Jesus on.” I laughed and was a little excited that he was going to come with me. I mean, yeah church brings me closer to god, but if it could bring me closer to the hot closet case too, why the hell not?! The next day we met Max in the lobby to walk over to church, and to my surprise there was Eric. Max had a private room and Eric spent the night, so Eric invited him to join us, so the four of us went to church. I was impressed that these two guys were so open to something new. Usually when I told anyone my age that I liked to go to church they just gave me crap about it.

Zach hung on every word the minister said, he listened intently to the readings, and nodded his head throughout the service. During the fellowship after church, he was introducing himself to everyone and shaking hands. He was the center of attention, a young, outgoing college kid there of his own accord… they loved the hell out of him (they loved all of us, but Zach was the catalyst).

After church we headed back to the dorm, changed and hung out in our lounge playing games and studying. Teddy joined us. That kind of became the norm. The five of us hung out almost every night after Eric and I got home from work. About four weeks into the school year Teddy went home for the weekend and the four of us went out to a couple of parties just off campus. It was right around midnight, and we were all a little buzzed. We started to stumble our way back to the dorms with our arms around each other. We were laughing, singing, and generally being obnoxious but having a great time together. When we got back to the dorms Eric followed Max up to his room in the West dorm and Zach and I headed to our suite in the South dorm with our arms still around each other. When we got into the suite, we both fell onto the couch, there I was pinned under Zach. Our faces were just inches from each other. I could smell the liquor and feel the heat of his breath as he moved in closer. Our lips touched; my mouth open to accept his tongue. Holy fuck, this was happening. This was really happening; I was making out with Zach.

For the several weeks Zach and I had been building a friendship, I would even call us best friends, but I wanted more than that. He was a sweet guy, and I was falling for him… hard. I had moved very slowly, letting him call the shots for fear of spooking him. He was a closet case and still unsure of how, or even if he should come out. But the moment had finally arrived, and he was making his move on me.

His tongue felt wonderfully warm in my mouth, and his lips incredibly soft against mine. He pushed his hips against me and started moving them up and down, I could feel his manhood growing through jeans and mine responded in-kind. I was hard as a rock and my cock was straining to get out of the confines of my khakis. I knew I was the first man he had ever done ANYTHING with a guy, and I was proceeding cautiously, the last thing I wanted was for him to freak out and stop what he was doing to me.

He pulled back from our kiss and asked with a whisper “is this okay?”

I gave him a quick kiss and said “it’s fucking perfect. Are YOU okay?” Our eyes were locked, and I couldn’t help but smile. The look on his face was one of longing and nervousness as he nodded his answer then leaned back in to continue our kiss. That fucking kiss! At that moment it was my world. I had wanted it since I first laid eyes on him, I had waited weeks for it, and now the moment was here, and I intended to savor every bit of it.

I decided to make a bold move and put my hands on his supple, soccer-built ass and pulled him tighter against me. He responded by grinding into me harder. Oh my god I loved this! I pushed up against him and we started and out and out dry hump. His jeans were tight, but I did my damnedest to slip my hands under his waistband and into his underwear. It was a tight fit, but I was finally touching the fleshy mounds of his ass cheeks with my bare hands, and it was amazing. A jolt of excitement shot through me as he ground his manhood into mine even harder. Our kiss became inflamed as we devoured each other’s tongues, and the room was filled with our panting and moans.

He moved off me and stood next to the couch and reached out his hand “do you want to go to my room?” he asked in a seductive, yet cracking voice as he looked at me with lust in his eyes.

“More than anything. Are you sure you’re ready? Once we do this there’s no turning back, Zach.” I said trying to be the voice of reason as more hormones yelled inside my head ‘do it! Take him! Fuck the shit out of each other!’ I was proud of myself for trying to be smart about it.

Zach whispered again “I’m not sure how far I’m ready to go, but I know that whatever the next step is, you’re the one I want to take it with. Be patient with me, okay?” Well damn, he was being rational too.

I started to respond, “do you promise not to…”

He interrupted “I promise not to freak out and avoid you. No matter what, tomorrow we will still be best friends.” It was dark but I could see his eyes and his smile, and I believed him.

I took his hand, got off the couch and he led me to his room. The door slammed behind us. You had to walk through the lounge of our suite to get to the other rooms and we had gotten in the habit of locking the suite door and leaving the room doors open. Tonight, he locked his room door. We stood there in the dark for a moment. He reached for my shirt and started to unbutton it, I grabbed the bottom of his T-shirt and started to lift it over his head, he raised his arms, and I finished the job. He was standing in front of me shirtless as he resumed the task of unbuttoning my shirt. Once it was finally off (it seemed like it took fucking years) We put our arms around each other, our bare chests now touching for the very first time, and our lips furiously devouring each other. Damn! The skin-on-skin contact was other-worldly. Nothing I had ever done with Cam had felt this amazing. Nothing I had ever done in my life had felt so natural, so perfect… so fucking right!

Zach put his arms around me and moved me so that I was backed up against his bed and his mattress was touching my thighs, he pushed me back so I was sitting on the tiny bed. HE reached down and started to undo my belt, all the while his eyes were locked with mine. He finished unzipping me and pulled my pants to my ankles. I reached up and did the same to him. We both kicked off our pants and were now in front of each other in only our underwear. This was the first time I got a real look at his body. And athlete’s body. It was magnificent! All his years of soccer and working out obviously paid off. My build was lean and toned, he was a little thicker and cut. His muscles were well defined, and he had a perfect V. He had a light dusting of blonde hair with a trail leading into the waistband of his blue and white striped boxer-briefs. I just looked at him and took it all in.

“So? Worth the wait?” he said with a grin as he flexed. Then he pulled his boxer-briefs down and stepped out of them freeing his rock solid, 8” manhood.

I just gasped a little and said “Damn! Abso-fucking-lutely!” Then he pulled off my underwear and looked at my stiff, cut, 7.5” inch cock

“Oh my god, this was definitely worth the wait” he said with wide eyes as he gulped. He leaned down and laid on top of me, our naked cocks grinding against each other. Flesh-on flesh, man-on-man our two bodies mingled in the darkness as our lips met yet again. The warmth of his body did something to me, I… I can’t really describe the feeling. It’s like his warmth filled a void in me, I had never felt so fucking complete. I know it sounds insane, but this switch in me got turned on and I knew instinctively what to do.

After our kiss I rolled us over so I was on top, then I moved my way down his body. I started with small kisses on the nape of his neck and moved my way down to his nipples. He sweet little pert nipples. I don’t think I really took notice of a guy’s nipples before that moment, but they were the perfect little crowns on his perfect pecs. I playfully bit his left one as I looked up toward his face. He yelped like a little puppy, looked down at me, and then laughed. I was so into him, his tight skin wrapping every muscle tightly as my tongue explored every nook and cranny of him. I moved past his left armpit and discreetly inhaled (I didn’t want him to think I was a pervert), DAMN HE SMELLED INCREDIBLE! Dirty and clean all at the same time. His own funk intertwined with soap and some kind of faint body spray. His scent imprinted itself in my brain, little did I know at the time that it would become an aphrodisiac for me.

I moved down his tight abs and my tongue connected to his treasure trail, his cute, little blonde treasure trail. It led my mouth right to his perfectly trimmed bush, again I took a whiff. I stared at the object of my desire. His eight, hard inches of untouched manhood. I knew my lips were about to be the first ever to touch it. I looked up as I grabbed it with my hand for the very first time. I looked up at him, he was propped up on his elbows watching me now, our eyes locked. The look on his face was a combination of excitement, desire, and nervousness. I moved down to his balls, stretched out my tongue, and licked. The taste, the texture, the scent, the excitement, HOLY FU CK SENSORY OVERLOAD! I licked from the bottom of his ball sac to the slit of his head then, with my eyes still locked to his, my mouth engulfed his shaft. I took him down inch-by-inch. His head hit the back of my throat and I gagged. I pulled off to catch my breath, then tried again, this time the head went down my throat. I gagged again, pulled off, then went back to it. This time I got it all the way down and quickly came back up, then did it again, swirling my tongue around his shaft as I went up and down on him (a trick Cam taught me).

“Oh, my fucking god, Seth!” He moaned. “FUCK! That feels so incredible. OH MY GOD” He was lost in ecstasy, thrashing his head side to side begging for more. I did that! I was the one giving him that pleasure and I loved that thought. It was a powerful feeling to be able to turn this jock into a pile of Jell-o. “I’m so fucking close!” he exclaimed, and I stopped. I pulled off him completely and laid right next to him on the bed. We were still laying across the width of the bed with our legs hanging off. He rolled to face me and grabbed my face with both hands as he kissed me deep and hard.

He got off the bed, pulled my legs up onto the mattress so I was laying lengthwise on the bed, then he straddled my face and shoved his dick down my throat. Then I felt it. His warm, beautiful lips on my hard cock. Oh my god it felt awesome as we gave each other mutual pleasure in my first ever 69 (his too). I hadn’t done much of anything at all sex-wise, but in this bed… I was the one with the experience. Every moan that escaped my lips was followed by several of Zach’s. Thank god we were alone in the suite. Eric and Teddy would’ve both shit bricks if they knew what we were doing.

I looked up as I sucked his perfect cock, his balls were hitting my nose and I had an awesome view of his perfectly round ass globes. I couldn’t resist, I reached up and parted his cheeks and tapped his sweet, tight, pink pucker with the index finger of my right hand. He moved from his knees to his feet pulling his cock out of my mouth as he jutted his ass up and out of my reach. The warmth of his mouth left my manhood as he held himself above me and said “No fucking way, Seth. I’m not ready for that.” He seemed a bit panicked.

I just laughed “don’t worry, I’m just playing around, I won’t go in.” That seemed to put him at ease. He dropped back down putting his cock in my mouth and taking mine back into his. Seriously, I had never done any butt stuff before, but his ass was so perfect I couldn’t help it. I can’t believe I touched his asshole. It was so hot! I tapped it again, it moved under my touch and Zach moaned on my cock. It was so amazing.

After a few more minutes I warned Zach that I was ready to cum, he took my cock out of his mouth and started to jack me off. I kept sucking him “I’m cumming too!” he exclaimed but instead of pulling him out of my mouth, I grabbed his ass and pulled him deeper. “Fuck I’m gonna shoot” he said trying to pull out, I wouldn’t let him. We shot our loads together. Mine went up in the air, some landing on Zach’s face. Zach’s load went straight into my mouth, and I swallowed every drop. I swallowed another guys cum!!! I couldn’t believe I did that. I had NEVER done anything like that. It was bitter, it was sweet, it was dirty, it was clean, it was good, it was bad. It was Zach and I loved it!

Zach rolled off me and laid next to me, both of us huffing and puffing, “oh my god, oh my fucking god!” Zach said, “that was amazing!” Then he kissed me and backed off yelling “Oh my god, I just tasted my own cum.”

I laughed “isn’t it awesome!”

As we laid on the tiny bed, he asked “Was it safe to swallow like that?”

“Well, you’ve never been with anyone, and I’ve never done that before, so we’re both clean. Plus, I’m on PREP” I said as I touched his face.

He scrunched his face and asked, “What’s PREP?”

I just sighed and thought Damn he has a lot to learn. And so did I. I couldn’t wait to explore the possibilities with him.

To be continued…