Losing My Religion

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Zach asked as he kissed me goodbye.

I took a deep breath, “I don’t know if I want to, but I know I need to” I responded.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” He asked.

“Definite. I need to do this alone. Just go around the corner and wait where I showed you and I’ll meet you there when I’m done. If you don’t hear back from me in twenty minutes, come get me.” I said as I rubbed his recently rehabilitated shoulder.

Zach sighed “I don’t like this, Seth. Please let me come.” I shook my head no, kissed him goodbye then got out of the little GTI and turned to look at the familiar house as I heard Zach’s car whir away. I was tired from the long drive, and my heart was beating a million beats a minute in anticipation. I decided to call Brad before I knocked, I pulled out my phone and dialed his number as I stood on the sidewalk.

“Hey buddy” he answered as he always did “Are you done with finals?”

“Yeah, I finished yesterday. Hey Brad?” I said sheepishly trying to end the small talk. “I’m standing on the sidewalk in front of Mother and Father’s house trying to psyche myself up to go inside.”

There was a momentary silence before he almost yelled through the phone “WHAT?! What’s going on Seth?”

“I made Zach drive me here, we took shifts and drove fifteen hours straight through. I need to see them.” I said.

“So, Zach’s with you?” Brad asked.

“No. He’s waiting around the corner with instructions to come get me in twenty minutes if he doesn’t hear from me.” I said.

“I’m putting you on speaker” I heard a couple of clicks and then I heard Brad fill in whoever was there on what I had just told him.

“Get the fuck out of there, Seth” said a voice on the other end. It was Eli. “Seriously, Seth. If you really want to see them, I’ll go with you later this summer. Get Zach to pick you up now.”

“I’ll go too” Brian said. “Just get Zach to pick you up and then we’ll all make plans to go together.”

“No” I said sternly. “I’m here and I’m going to do this now. I just wanted someone other than Zach to know where I was.” They all tried one last time to talk me out of it. They failed. I hung up, inhaled, and took my first step towards the door of the home I grew up in. I moved forward steadily and then climbed the steps until I was face-to-face with the front door. I took another deep breath and was about to ring the doorbell when my phone rang. It was Brad. I ignored it, shut the ringer off, and rang the doorbell.

It took less than a minute for the door to open, and there he stood. Father. It had been three and a half years since I last saw him and now, I was face-to-face with the man I feared most. He seemed shorter than I remembered, and he looked like he had aged ten years, but he was still intimidating. “Hello Father” I said.

We just stood there for a moment in silence, sizing each other up. I heard the whirr of the GTI, and I looked over my shoulder to see Zach driving past slowly. He had driven around the block and was letting me know he was there (I appreciated that), then I looked back at Father. He had a look of shock on his face, “Seth. This is a complete surprise, please come in” he finally said as he moved to the side to let me through the door and into the living room. “Your mother’s at work right now.” The statement sounded odd since he never allowed mother to work before, but I didn’t respond to it.

I purposefully sat in the big leather chair that was Father’s favorite, forcing him to sit across from me on the couch showing I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t offer up any further pleasantries and jumped right into the purpose of my visit. I was in command of the situation, and he knew it. “Father, I thought it was time we spoke” he just nodded, waiting for me to continue. “I know we’ve had a rough past, but I was hoping we could have some kind of future.”

Father smiled and said, “I would very much like that, son. I know it’s been difficult for all of you, and I’m sure coming here was difficult and I very much doubt your siblings supported the idea.” I nodded in acknowledgement. “Before we say anything else I want to say I’m sorry, Seth.” He looked friendlier than he used to, and more importantly his words sounded sincere. Maybe he had changed. “I started out to build a loving family and somewhere along the way I lost sight of that. My whole family suffered because of me and my control issues, and I’m sorry for what I put you all through.” He said the right words, his tone was sincere, but I reminded myself that he was a master of manipulation and proceeded with caution.

“And that’s my concern” I said. “I want a relationship with you and mother so badly, but I can’t go through that again. I need to know you’ve changed and want a relationship with me too. A real relationship, not just one that looks good on the surface” then I paused and looked him in the eye “How have you changed? I need to know.” I did my best to stay strong and firm in my words. Inside I was trembling, but on the outside I was steel. I had practiced this a million times in my head on the long drive here, hardly speaking to Zach for the entire ride.

My question caught him off guard. He thought for a moment then said, “I left the church over two years ago and have been in therapy doing my best to deal with my narcissism and misogynistic tendencies” he paused. I couldn’t believe that he had just admitted that was a narcissist and a misogynist. I mean, it was obvious to the rest of the world, but people like my father rarely know what they are. I took that as progress. He continued “I deeply regret the way I treated my family, even more so the pain I caused them.” his words were starting to sound rehearsed; I think he may have gone over this moment in his head as well, hoping he would have a chance for redemption someday.

I was looking into his eyes “What about god? Do you still think he wanted you to beat us when we didn’t obey you?” I know that was a harsh statement, but I was there for answers, and I needed to know if he truly understood how awful he made our lives.

He got a blank stare on his face, looked away from me for a moment, and then responded, “No. I know better, and I regret what I put you all through” the sincerity had returned to his voice “god was my excuse to be in control. I caused a lot of people a lot of pain. And for that I am truly sorry” tears formed in his eyes. I believed he was being honest, I wanted to believe him so badly, but there was part of me that couldn’t ignore the past. “Listen, Seth” he said, his voice stronger now as he spoke from the heart. “The fact that you came here means the world to me. Second chances are rare, and I doubt if your brothers and sisters are thrilled that you’re here.”

“They didn’t know until about five minutes before I knocked on the door, I called them from the sidewalk” I said.

He laughed for the first time since I had arrived, it was a genuine laugh, not forced and it made me smile. “You always were the one that did your own thing” he said. Then his tone became much more conversational as he shifted the topic completely. “How was your first year of college?” He really seemed to want to know. I told him about school, then he said with a very matter of fact tone, “Your mother told me you’re gay.” I was surprised to hear him say “gay” instead of “homosexual.” I was expecting this to be the end of our visit as I waited for him to judge me and damn me to hell, instead he asked, “Is there anyone special in your life?” I smiled and then, reluctantly at first, told him about Zach. He asked a lot of questions and told me he was happy that I had someone special in my life. Then he started asking about my brothers and their lives. He knew bits and pieces from mom, but he had a lot of questions. I let my guard down and we were talking like regular people; I was actually enjoying myself. Our conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door. Father went to answer it, I just sat in his chair looking around the room as memories (both good and bad) flooded my brain.

Father came back to the room with Zach right behind him. Shit, I forgot to text Zach after twenty minutes and he came to check on me. My instinct was to hug him, but I thought that might be too much for father.

“Zach, I’m so sorry, I forgot to text” I said.

Zach threw me a suspicious smile and asked, “Is everything good.”

I nodded and introduced him to my father who greeted him warmly. “We got to talking and I lost track of time.” Then I turned to my father and asked, “What time does mother get home from work?”

“I think 5:00. Would you boys join us for dinner tonight.” Zach looked at me and raised his eyebrows, silently asking me if I was sure, I gave him a subtle nod in response.

“That sounds good” I said

“Why don’t you come back here at 6:00 and we’ll go out to dinner at The Old Steakhouse out by the highway, if I remember correctly that was your favorite.” He said. He was right, I used to LOVE that place as a kid. He would take me there on my birthday. Just me and him (mother’s place was at home with the other children). It made me feel special.

We all agreed, then the two of us left and got into Zach’s car. We shut the doors and just sat there for a moment. “What happened?” Zach asked. I told him everything I could remember. While we were talking, I pulled my phone out of my pocket, damn… there was an uncountable number of missed calls and texts from all my brothers, sister, and even Zach.

“It looks like everyone is trying to find me” I said.

“Yup. Brad and Eli, both called me, they’re all worried about you. You better call them” Zach said as he dialed up Brad on his phone with the Bluetooth connected to the GTI.

“Zach, what’s going on?” Brad answered the phone anxiously.

“It’s me. I’m fine” I said into the speaker phone. I could hear him click the phone to speaker, everyone was still there.

“You scared the shit out of us, Seth!” said a stern voice, “Going there without telling anybody was stupid” the voice continued, it was Eli. I could tell he was relieved, but annoyed. Then he asked, “What happened?” I recapped the story for the second time, telling them every detail. My brothers calmed down a little as they listened and realized that I wasn’t in any danger.

“Mom has a job now and was at work, but we’re going to go to dinner with them tonight at The Old Steakhouse” I told my brothers. In addition to all the facts, I shared my analysis that he seemed less threatening, and a lot softer. We talked for a while, and I promised to call them after dinner. Brad was still worried; he didn’t trust my father at all. I couldn’t blame him, he lived through the worst of it, and then did his damnedest to save the rest of us from what he went through. I hoped he didn’t take my desire to have a relationship with my parents as a personal slap in the face. He and Scotty gave me an incredible home. I loved him and appreciated all he had done for me… I owed him my life; it was just time to mend fences with my parents.

We hung up with my brothers, then Zach and I drove around trying to find a place to stay for the night. We found an old, cheap roadside motel not too far from my parents and got a room. We had several hours to kill before dinner, and we were both tired from driving through the night. The room was outdated, but clean enough. When Zach and I were alone in the room we sat together on the bed in just our underwear, and I thanked him for bringing me here. He was completely against the idea. The only reason he gave in and drove me here was because he knew I’d made up my mine and that if he didn’t drive me, I would hop on a plane, or a bus, or figure out another way, and he did NOT want me coming alone. I was lucky to have him in my life.

We laid down to take a nap, and I decided to thank him properly. Without a word I moved between his legs and pulled his briefs off. He smiled as his manhood started to stiffen. I nuzzled my face against his man sack and took a deep whiff of his musk. Damn, that always got me going. He moaned as I started licking his balls taking them each into my mouth separately and then together, bathing them with the warmth of my tongue. “Come up here” Zach said motioning for me to straddle his face in a sixty-nine, I did. I got on top of him and positioned my ass on his lips. I hadn’t showered since the day before and was sweaty from the long ride, Zach reveled in it, pulling my hole tight against his mouth, and shoving his tongue in deep. It felt amazing! I wriggled my ass on his face as he continued to lick and moan. Meanwhile I continued my assault on his nuts, then started licking my way up the shaft working my tongue around its rigid girth. When I got to the bulbous, purple head, I engulfed his manhood and slowly took every inch down my throat until my nose was nestled in his musky ball sac. I inhaled his scent as I swallowed his manhood and massaged it with my throat muscles, I loved the way it felt in my mouth.

“I’m close, Seth” He moaned into my wet, musky hole.

“Not yet” I said as I pulled off him, flipped myself around, straddled his waist and lined his saliva slickened tool up with my wet hole. Using combination of our saliva and Zach’s precum as lube I sat down on his hard cock and wiggled my ass until it slipped into my tight, tight hole. Oh my god it felt wonderful. My chest was pounding hard, and my eyes rolled back into my head as he slipped deeper into my passage. I felt his balls resting on my ass crack and I wriggled around to feel the fullness of his girth. My hands were pressed hard against his broad, firm chest as I lifted my ass up just a little and then dropped it back down. I repeated the motion over and over, lifting myself just a little more each time until I was almost completely off his cock and then dropping myself down its full length.

Zach was pushing his hips up from below me as I fucked myself on his rigid, pulsating pole mindlessly repeating “yes, yes, fuck me, Zach, fuck me!” It was an amazing escape from the reality of seeing my father again and I was lost in it. I bounced harder and harder, faster, and faster taking every inch of him into me.

Soon his moaning and begging joined to my own “That’s it, Seth! Fuck me! Give me that ass!” I’m so fucking close he said with a guttural moan.

“Yeah, give me your fucking load” I said as I writhed and wriggled trying to milk him with my ass muscles. My fingers instinctively pinched his nipples as I threw my head back and moaned in ecstasy.

“FUCK yeah” he said in reaction to my attack on his nipples. With that his hips pushed into me harder and faster, “I’m gonna fucking cum in you!” He said in a low voice that came from deep within the depths of his lust.

I raised myself almost completely off him, then deliberately dropped myself down Hard… GIVE  ME  EVERY  FUCKING  DROP!!! My bouncing then became quicker and shallower as his moans became louder. He grabbed my hips holding my ass down as he thrust deep into me and shot his seed deep into my bowels with a series of loud grunts. His body shuttered as he emptied his balls in me. I felt his essence burn through me, fueling my lust for him even more. I spit on my right hand and gave myself a few stroked, that’s all it took, and I shot my load onto Zach’s perfect face covering his lips and chin. His tongue reached out trying to lick my cum from his face, I leaned down and helped him, then I collapsed onto his tight body, and we became one heaving mass of sweat and cum. I laid there on top of him for a while, his manhood softening inside me and then I gave him a final kiss, rolled off, and laid beside him.

“Damn! It just gets better every time” Zach said with a smile on his face and a chortle in his voice

I laughed and just said “seriously. That was hot.” I panted a little more, “dirty motel sex is awesome” then we both laughed.

After our session we fell asleep in each other’s filth, and each other’s arms and took a three-hour nap. We needed it badly! We woke up a little more refreshed, but still tired from the long drive. We dragged ourselves into the shower and washed the gross off each other. After we dried each other off we got dressed, both donning khaki’s, button-down shirts, and sport coats. We looked damn good! It was time to meet the parents.

Zach parked the little GTI in front of my parent’s house, we did one last check to make sure each other looked perfect and then we exited the car and headed up the walk. I barely got halfway up the walkway when my mother came bounding out of the house running towards me “Seth, I can’t believe you’re really here!” She said as she pulled me into a death-grip of a hug. Her head was on my shoulder, and she was crying tears of joy. “I’m so happy you came; I couldn’t believe it when your dad told me you stopped by” she said. ‘Your dad?’ I thought. She NEVER referred to him as that. I liked it so much more than “Father.” Father was so damn formal, it was a self-imposed title, not a term of endearment. I decided then to call him dad the next time it came up.

I pulled away from our embrace and said, “Mom, this is my boyfriend Zach.” I decided to call her “mom” instead of “mother,” she didn’t flinch.

Zach reached out to shake her hand and she pulled him in for a hug. That really surprised me, I didn’t expect her and my father… my DAD… to accept Zach at all, yet they both seemed to embrace him. Zach just looked at me over her shoulder with a half-smile on his perfect face. “Come in, Come in! Dad’s almost ready.” There was that word again… ‘Dad’.

My dad came out and the four of us got into the older, grey Cadillac and drove out of town, towards the highway to The Old Steakhouse. As we drove down the old country roads my mother seemed to dominate the conversation. That was a new one! She always used to sit quietly and smile while father did all the talking. She told us about her job working at a dentist’s office and told us how father had taken a new job. He was President of a local bank when we were growing up, but it sounded like they had asked him to step down after all the controversy with the church, and his arrest. Mother was vague on the details and father didn’t add any facts. It sounded like he took a much lower-level job with another bank, my guess is that was all he could get after his run in with the law, which is probably why mother was working now. Like I said, she was vague.

Their dynamic was completely different, she was much more outspoken and independent, and he actually seemed to enjoy her like this. I saw his smile in the rearview mirror and noticed he kept his right hand on her knee as he drove. It was very unlike the father I knew. It was sweet.

At dinner my mom and dad pummeled us with questions. They asked about school, and I proudly told them that I finished my second semester with straight A’s and made the Dean’s List, so did Zach. We were good together and pushed each other hard. We had also spent a lot of time discussing our futures (whether together or apart had not been completely decided, but we both knew what we hoped would happen). As a result of our discussions, we had both claimed majors. I told my parents that I decided to major in Psychology and intended to go to grad school and become a Clinical Psychologist. Zach had decided on prelaw and intended on following in his father’s footsteps. We had created a list of grad schools that would work for both of us and had hoped to go to the same school. We hadn’t committed to forever yet, but had discussed dozens of scenarios that included us being together. Applying to grad schools together, coming back to WI, or moving to AZ. Again, we still had at least three years of college and we had not made a lifetime commitment to each other yet, but we had plans together, nonetheless.

My mom and dad were engaged deeply in our conversation and inevitably wanted to know all about what my siblings were up to. Mom knew some things but asked a lot of detailed questions. We were truly enjoying each other’s company. Laughing and Joking. I mean it was nothing like being with the Hall’s or Mom and Pop Nicholls, but for the first time in over three years I felt like I had parents again. I knew our family dynamic would never be perfect, but maybe in time we could at least be part of each other’s lives again… I had given up on that dream a long time ago. I was genuinely happy at that moment. Zach could see it in my face and reached for my hand under the table. I noticed that my mom and dad were holding hands too. I had never seen them do that before. EVER!

We sat at the restaurant for almost three hours, then went back to their house for coffee and dessert. I showed Zach around the big house, we made a quick pass through my old bedroom. My time spent there seemed like a different lifetime to me now, I was a different person. A freer person. A better person working on being the best version of myself.

After the tour we sat around the kitchen table talking. My dad was very animated as he talked about how he was helping at the local homeless shelter and food pantry. He was a completely different guy. Before we left, he asked me if we could talk in private, and we retired to his den. The only times I had ever been in that room was to be shamed or punished. Today it was to be enlightened; my dad told me about his personal journey and his life after the church. His therapist helped him to realize that he had been worshipping the made-up rules of a religion, not god. He apologized for everything that had transpired between him and my siblings, and my mom. It wasn’t a general apology, he brought up some very specific things that weighed heavy on his heart. We both had tears in our eyes as we relived those awful days.

He confided in me that he originally joined the church for his family because he thought we should have a foundation in faith, but he quickly lost sight of that goal and got swept up in the idea of being king of his castle, the man of the house, the object of his family’s worship. I listened to his story. As he talked, I realized he and I were on similar journeys. We both wanted a relationship with god but were doing our best to leave the tenets of organized religion behind us.

When he finished bearing his soul to me, I lifted the Saint Joseph medal that the Hall’s had given me over my head, grabbed his hand, and put it in his palm. He looked at me curiously, “what’s this” he asked.

“I spent Christmas Eve with Zach’s family. My best friend Cam had recently been attacked with a baseball bat and I was angry with god.” I explained. My dad was listening closely as I continued. “Zach’s family is Catholic; they gave me this medal” I let go of his hand and he lifted it up to look at it.

“Saint Joseph” he said reading the medal at the end of the chain.

“Yup. The patron saint of families” I responded, “They gave me this to remind what was important, family and god. It helped me refocus my energy. I hope it will help you too, dad.” I called him dad. He looked at me with a tear in his eye and a smile on his face.

“I’m sorry to hear about your friend, Cam. Is he okay?” I nodded in response. Then I realized that his first thought was about someone else, I was now convinced he was changing. “This gift was meant for you, son. I can’t keep it” He said grasping my hand and putting the medal into it.

“Keep it, Dad” I said, “I want you to have it. The Hall’s will understand.”

“They sound like good people. I’m happy you have good people in your life” he said. Then he looked me in the eye, shook my hand and said “You’re a good man, Seth. I’m proud of who you’ve become. Despite what I put you through.” He let go of me and put the medal on. I was touched. Although I no longer needed his approval, it was nice to hear.

We joined my mom and Zach in the kitchen. They were laughing and having a good time together. My parents were so different now. These weren’t the same people I grew up with. We stayed with them until almost midnight just talking and enjoying their company. THAT’S WHAT I SAID! ENJOYING THEIR COMPANY. I couldn’t believe it.

My parents invited us to stay the night, but we declined. We were already settled at the motel, but more importantly, I wasn’t ready to stay in that house overnight yet. We hugged mom and dad goodbye. My dad held me tight for a long time, if I hadn’t pulled away, he may never have let me go.

“Your visit has meant the world to me, Seth” my father said with sincerity. “Please keep in touch” he said pleading.

“I will dad. It was nice seeing you” I meant that. I then gave him my phone number. My mother had it already and I’m sure he could get it if he wanted it, but it was a symbolic gesture to show him I wanted a relationship with him.

We walked out to the car and whirred away to the motel. I was so glad we made the trip to see them! I realized that we would never be like the Hall’s, or the Nicholl’s family, but now maybe we could at least be part of each other’s lives again. This was the first time in three years I had felt hopeful about that.

“I gave my dad the Saint Joseph medal your parents gave me” I said as I looked over at Zach. “He needed a reminder of what’s important. He threw it all away once.”

Zach seemed to get it as he put his hand on my knee and drove us to the motel. “He lost some of the greatest people in the world. Maybe he can find his way back.” Zach took a deep breath, “I was against coming here, but I think it was a good idea. Do you trust that he’s really changed?”

I nodded “Yes. I can tell by the way he treats my mother. He used to tolerate her, tonight he sincerely seemed to adore her. She stood by him and paid for it dearly. She lost her family because of him.” I sighed, “I hope I can convince the others to give them a chance.” We arrived back at the motel, stripped down to our briefs, and got into the hard bad. We were soon asleep. The next morning, we got up and headed back to Wisconsin, stopping to say a quick goodbye to Mom and Dad.

We spent the first couple of hours in silence as Zach drove and I replayed the last couple of days in my head. Finally, I called Brad, it was just him on the phone. He was quiet as I recapped my visit, trying to convince him that our father had changed.

“Seth, I’m glad it went well, and I’m glad you’re safe. But I’m just afraid he’s going to break our hearts again.” Brad said trying to be supportive and realistic at the same time.

“I know, Brad” I said, “but I really don’t believe he was manipulating me, he seems really different, and mom actually seems happy.” I took a deep breath and said “I know this is a huge ask, but you have six months to think about it… I think we should invite them to Thanksgiving.” There was silence on the other end of the line.

“I’ll think about it, but no promises” Brad said. “And you’ll have to convince the others.” I smiled as he spoke… it wasn’t a ‘no’. I had my work cut out for me, but I had six months to bring my family together. I finally had hope.

Brad and I drove straight through again, taking shifts at the wheel. We made it to the dorms just in time to pack up and move out. Everyone was packing up; it was the end of our time together in the dorms. That year had been such a transformative one for me. I flashed back to the first time I laid eyes on Zach, I knew he was the one for me the second I laid eyes on him, it was so obvious… even oblivious Eli saw it. I thought about the first night with my suitemates laying on the grass beyond the wooded area getting to know each other with all inhibitions gone (thanks to Teddy and his vape). I remembered all the fun times, I remembered how my new friends rallied to get me to Chicago when Cam got hurt. I remembered how they took in my best friend when he moved to town. I remembered meeting Max on the walk home from church. I remembered Gina throwing slumber parties in the lounge. So many great times, I’d miss it. But it was time to move on.

Zach and I found an awesome upper two-bedroom flat a few blocks from campus. The place was owned by Randy and Kevin’s friend Jeff. He rented the three-bedroom on the first floor to Cam, Max, and Eric. They got a three-bedroom place for show, but we all knew only one bedroom was going to get any use. Gina was moving in with a bunch of her friends just a few blocks from us, and Teddy decided to stay in the dorms for another year. We would all take possession of our new places on August first, but for the summer we were all headed home. I’d miss my friends over the summer, but at least I’d get to see most of them several times thanks to our summer jobs with The Resort.

When I moved to Wisconsin less than a year ago, I was on my own for the first time. As I packed up my room and got ready to meet Cam at the airport to fly home, I realized that although I was on my own, I was far from alone. I had assembled a collection of incredible friends that I planned to cherish for the rest of my life. My time at the dorms was ending, but so many new things had just begun.

The end of this part of the story…

Author's note: I thank you all for sticking with Seth and his friends for all these chapters (a special thank you to those who have been with me since Exploring My True Self, through Adulting, and now through Losing My Religion. I'll be giving my keyboard a little rest (likely very short as I am working on a couple of new idea's for Seth et al). Your e-mails, comments, and ratings keep me going. Thank you all.