Jacob develops a taste for skunk weed.
Some events from this period are clearer than others in my memory because they are significant. This one was very significant. But the memory is a little hazy, as you might expect it would be.
’Got a special treat for you, Jaydie lad,’ said Marcus. ‘You know how you used to love a good spliff back in the day? This one's strong, ultra skunk, proper head-melter. Dr. Zim gave the nod; says it'll ease those tensions, reward your efforts on the toilet job.'
My gut twisted. Jaydie? The nickname suddenly grating, after a hard day under Akinlode’s beady eye, I suddenly felt too tired to be cooperative. Besides, I’d never touched weed: but I knew rewards came from playing along with the “game of being Jayden”, from nodding at “memories” that weren't mine. Refuse, and it looped back to Marcus’s reports.
'Yeah... sounds mint,' I muttered, voice gravelly from medication and the tiredness that comes from scrubbing piss stained floors. I forced the LME drawl to mask the tremor.
Marcus sparked the lighter, flame dancing orange, and passed a spliff over. I took it, fingers fumbling the thin paper and inhaled. The smoke hit me harsh, I coughed, eyes watering. I handed it back, wiping my mouth, but Marcus was strangely cheerful. 'Easy, Jaydie, it’s a been a while, deep drags, hold it in.'
So I took it, a second pull: smoother this time, the herb coiling round my mind, blooming.
It crept up slow, then fast, ultra strong skunk no joke for a virgin brain like mine, especially one already swimming in medication. My vision blurred at the edges, colours sharpening, the scuffed linoleum gleaming unnaturally, Marcus's skin pulsing; I wanted to touch it. My body sank heavier into the couch, limbs leaden yet buzzing, skin prickling with electric sensitivity. My cock twitching unbidden in my pants, half-hard from the rush. 'Fuck... that's... sick. Fuck..’
Mentally, that first experience with skunk fractured me more than the medication. Paranoia: the walls of the side room closing in, Marcus's grin too wide, like he knew exactly what this was doing. Yet a compulsion surged, a sort of freedom washing over me. Memories warped. Memories started to flicker: Jacob, fading, libraries and office corners reforming into football pitches, estate corners and toilet floors, the football pitches slick with mud, sweat and sex. I was Jayden now, for real. The lad who sparked up after footie, who took the hits and laughed. ‘Bangin' this shit, yeah?' I murmured, words slurring. It fit, snug as the piercings in my lobes, septum and tits, as insistent as the lips of my modified anus, my own fucking man cunt! ‘My fuckin’ man cunt’ I whispered, and instinctively I rubbed it, ‘so fuckin’ horny bruv! My man cunt, proper leng bro?’
Marcus nodded, taking a drag himself. ‘Yeah, it’s a juicy man cunt Jaydie, juicy! You’re gonna make a lot of money with that.’ See? Loosens you right up. Helps with the toilets, the footy, your crew, it’s who you are Jaydie. And yeah, your fucking man cunt Jaydie, that’s what it is, a proper cunt. Do you want me to inspect it for you? Make sure it’s in prime condition? Don’t want Arien thinking you’re losing your touch when we test the vibrator next eh?’
‘Someone call?’ A grinning Arien appeared at the door, carrying a medical bag. ‘Is the boy in space now Marcus?’
‘What the fuck do you think fella, look at him!’
‘Ok, ok,’ he laughed. “Time for the next level Jaydie, time for you to fuck yourself with the vibrator. Can’t always be me that fucks your pussy fella now can it!’
Marcus laughed, ‘yeah, Jaydie, do as Arien says, strip off and douche your pussy. Now! You need to get the practice in.’
I was so stoned I could barely move or even speak, but somehow I managed to peel off that tight tracksuit. Arien took it from me, piece by piece, and folded it. ’Leave the white socks boy, they’re cute. Proper whore look eh Marcus?’ I fumbled with the douche bulb. ‘Take your time Jaydie, no rush..’ Eventually the water ran clear. Arien handed me a pot of lube. ‘It’s already open Jaydie, you know what to do. Just lie on your back on the mat here, spread your legs, wider..wider! That’s right, good lad. Now put some lube on your left hand, good boy, rub it onto your pussy lips, yeah, plenty of it. Now, take the vibrator, I’ll switch it on for you. It’s already lubricated.’ I’d never held the vibrator before. Arien had always fucked me with it, in the gyno frame. The effect of the spliff and the low humming and vibrating it gave off made it seem like it was alive, and dangerous. Arien guided it in my hand, so the tip rested against my hole. “Ok Jaydie, deep breath in, hold it, then exhale and push it in slowly. Goooood lad!!’
Marcus was smoking, and coughed. ‘Fuck me Arien, he’s got it up there in one, right up the base, fuck! Enjoying that are you Jaydie?’
Arien laughed, ‘yeah, he’s enjoying it! Keep going Jaydie, don’t stop until I tell you.’ I don’t know how long they kept me there, on my back, legs spread wide, fucking myself. It seemed like forever and just a few moments at the same time; spliff can do that to you.
Eventually, I remember pulling it right out. The pull to Jayden was stronger now, stronger than ever. I was already craving the next spliff, the burn was a bridge to escape everything, except I didn’t want to escape this, the vibrator or the skunk, I needed both. Marcus lit another spliff, and I reached for it, inhaling deep, the world tilting into..Jayden, and the words came out ‘fuckin’ well bro, fuckin’ horny bruv..so..sick bro..’
“Yeah Jaydie,’ whispered Marcus in my ear, you remember now how it was, the cocks inside you, always..just like that fuckin’ great vibrator, but better.’
I have never lost my taste for them, the skunks the vibrator, the cocks.
Later that evening Marcus was discussing the spliff usage with Dr Zim. ‘Thank you Marcus, that was a good intuition, it’s proved a huge success, a genuine breakthrough, I urge regular, perhaps daily usage from now on. Keep reinforcing the memories as we discussed, bring back the memories of his promiscuity, how much he enjoys the sex, being penetrated with the vibrator, his openness to that side of things, his love of degradation, where his real, authentic satisfaction is found.’
Marcus could sometimes get emotional when he talked about that evening, which he often did. ‘You see Jaydie, that’s when you became yourself again. I could see it in your eyes; you’re a natural when it comes to being fucked.’
His report back to Dr Zim was enthusiastic. ’You see, Doc, it’s the first time he’s said his name, Jayden, and it’s felt like he really meant it. He really was Jayden, he wasn’t faking it, just to please me. As he fucked himself with the vibrator, I reminded him how much he liked getting fucked by lots of different guys; he looked like he remembered it, properly, really felt it. He really did Doc.’
‘It’s the authentic self, Marcus, we have given Jayden’s authentic self its voice, or rather, we have given him his voice back. He is becoming himself again.’
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