This is where we meet Dr Zim again and Jacob goes back to Greenford House for a short time.
The fortnightly check-up at the clinic had been routine, the nurse prodding my hole, swabbing my throat, drawing blood. But the diagnosis hit like a slap: mild gonorrhea, treatable with a week's antibiotics. 'Take these pills twice a day, Jayden,' the nurse had said, handing over the script. 'And wrap it up next time, yeah? Though in your line of work, that's easier said.'
I'd swallowed the first dose dry on the way over, the bitter taste lingering as I walked to the Psychiatric Department. Now, another appointment? My mind fogged from the morning's lorazepam, but a spark of old Jacob flickered; why psych again? I hadn't thrown a fit in months.
In the consulting room sat Dr. Zim. I froze in the doorway, heart pounding. Zim? Here? The man who'd carved me into this? Panic surged, but the meds dulled it to a numb buzz. I wasn't meant to be Jacob Ellis anymore, not least to anyone I spoke to. To them I was Jayden Conner, a tagged estate lad, Marcus's property. Still, the surprise of seeing Dr Zim made me anxious; but the medication, the knowledge that Marcus would be here soon, these all kept Jacob’s voice quiet inside me.
Dr. Zim looked up, his smile polite, almost warm—like we were old colleagues catching up. 'Ah, good morning Jayden! How are we today? Settling into your new role I hear? Shame about the STI, but it's a professional hazard I suppose in your line of work? Sit down and tell me about your life Jayden, your Boss Marcus, the football, and how much you are enjoying your return to sex work.'
'Mornin', Doc,' I muttered, my street accent thick and forced, vowels flattened like the lads on the football pitch. 'Yeah, settlin' in alright. Boss keeps me busy, y'know?'
Dr. Zim nodded encouragingly, 'good to hear. Start with the football, Marcus mentioned you're on the team. How's that going?'
'It's proper, Doc. Twice a week, me and the lads. Feels good, bein' part of summat. The banter after, smokin' up... keeps me grounded.' I grinned for Dr Zim, but inside I doubted, these men weren't my mates; they were hot guys sure, very hot some of them, but didn’t it all pull me deeper into the Jayden lie? Yet I couldn’t deny the endorphin rush from being on a team, part of something, the comradeship, it made me feel alive in this body. Authentic.
'Excellent progress,' Zim said, jotting notes. 'And nicotine and substance use? Be honest, we are all friends here Jayden, it’s just part of managing your stability.'
Heat flushed my face, the skunk from last night still faintly clouding the edges. I couldn’t lie here, the truth was I enjoyed it. Needed it. Badly. In fact, I could do with a spliff right now. ‘Skunk... once a day, max strength. Inhale deep, hold it, lets the world slow. Calms the noise, y'know? Mephedrone too, just a line before clients, makes me loose, eager.' I licked my lips, tasting phantom smoke, always ready for that next line, the dependency an itch and a warm memory. Begging Marcus for extras had become routine, knees on the flat's immaculate floors, mouth working Marcus’s cock for a hit. I stopped and gazed at Dr Zim thinking ‘does Jacob hate this or does he love it, or do I, me Jayden? Who wants any of this?’
Zim's eyes smiled. 'Wise to monitor that. Now, your clients, tell me everything. How many, what they do with you, how it feels. And the sex work itself, how much are you enjoying getting back to it?'
I swallowed, voice dropping low. 'Bout two, maybe three a week. Pays the bills, keeps Boss happy. First one after release was this bloke..’ I paused, thighs pressing together, the STI's faint itch a reminder in my arse hole. ‘Others, they love my hole, with its thick lips, call it a man-cunt. Most times I lick them clean after, tongue on the shaft, tastin' me-self.’
'Group stuff too?' Zim prompted, leaning in.
'Nah, not yet, but Boss says maybe.’
‘And more intense play? Caning, water-sports, bondage etc?’
‘The Boss has caned me, but that’s for discipline, sometimes I have attitude.’
‘Tell me about that?’
‘He says that he feels I don’t always mean it when I say I’m obedient, although I am. Boss says I have to feel it. So he makes me bend over and I get four strokes of the cane. After each one I have to say ‘thank you Boss’.
‘Does that work Jayden? Are you more obedient?’
‘I guess..dunno.. I get tears, sort of, and Boss hugs me after. The lock, it’s stronger.’
Dr. Zim smiled, closing the file. ‘That’s enough for now Jayden. Sounds like you're thriving,’ and he leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled under his chin, that clinical gaze fixed on me as I shifted in my seat.
‘Anything you don’t like about your life now Jayden?’
‘Stuff I don't like? Nah, Doc, it's all part of the game now,' I said, forcing a shrug, ‘Dunno.. not sure. But that's the way it is, innit?’
‘Not sure?’
‘It’s er..’
‘Jayden, tell me, do you still fantasise about not being yourself? About being Jacob? Jacob Ellis, the stressed out trainee banker? Leading his meaningless empty life?’
I sat back, chest suddenly heaving, the recount stirring forbidden thoughts. I met Zim's gaze, a fractured smile. 'That's life now. All in. How would I escape? Be Jacob again?’
‘Do you want to escape Jayden? I suggest you watch this screen before you answer that.’
The first clip made me gasp. There I was, as Jacob Ellis, as me, just four months ago. Jacob Ellis, in Dr. Zim's flat, posture straight like he was someone. Clean-shaven, articulate, shaking hands, nice jacket. The voice, mine but not at all like mine is now.
Watching the screen, my fingers twitched toward the cigarette tucked behind my ear, but I held off, only Boss would give me permission to light up. My thoughts, slow with the medication, ’that’s me, innit? was me’ but it all seemed to float into the distance in the permanent chemical fog around my brain.
"Yeah, Doc, Boss said 'bout the case bein' closed," I muttered, voice thick with the estate drawl Marcus had beaten, conditioned, into me, my eyes narrowing at the screen. I leaned forward as the second clip rolled, watching myself, as Jayden, shuffle into Marcus's flat, tracksuit too tight and stained, rollup dangling from chipped teeth. ‘Say, Boss, this punter tonight, what’s he want..?’ Dr Zim turned the screen off.
‘Jayden, I’ve agreed with your Boss, Marcus, that you’ll be coming back with me to Greenford House tonight, just for a couple of days, for observation.’ The door opened, ‘Ah, Marcus! Lovely to see you. You have Jayden’s bag?’
Jacob through the looking glass, he sees himself again.
I was back at Greenford House. It must have been the fourth day and I was off all of my medication, and had had no cigarettes. I’m in a consulting room, in a restraint chair. Dr Zim sits opposite me, flanked by Marcus. This is my recollection of how it went, that last time of being allowed out as Jacob Ellis. I remember it like I’m watching a very old film, you know, the sort where people look old fashioned and wear old style clothes.
“Well, Jayden, it’s a bit disappointing, for all of us, all the hard work we’ve put in, and especially you Jayden, that the Jacob delusion persists. Please do tell me which parts of Jayden you dislike so much that you want to escape into a different identity? This persistent fantasy of being Jacob Ellis. Surely it’s not about being looked after by Marcus here? He has feelings for you, did you know that?’
Marcus looks startled. ’Feelings! Come on doc, it’s true I like the little runt, but feelings?’
‘Marcus, really, be honest, you like him a lot.’
‘Well, er, I miss him up at my flat, he’s a good lad, when he’s Jayden. He’s a cute guy, nice smile when he’s happy. Upsets me to see him like this.’ There is silence whilst Marcus lights a cigarette. Dr Zim smiles.
They sit there, watching me; I could feel my face getting redder, anger rising, seeing the cigarette making it worse. I jerk upright, my eyes shining with anger. ‘Persistent fantasy? You’ve got to be joking? You’re twisting it, you bastards, you lured me in with that chat, spiked my drink with mephedrone, I know what that was now, the promises of 'de-classing' as some thrill! Fuck you! Fuck you all! Reeling me into this hell! I hate it, every fucking bit. You imprisoned me, drugged me, changed my body. Forced me to be Jayden, I do it, those protocols, the sex work, all of it, for survival.’
‘Really Jayden? Really?’ Dr Zim looked puzzled and amused. ‘Who’s twisting things? Sex work?, look at your body Jayden! But we’re here to help you, we know you have your problems. It’s not just the files and records, your self harm scars are proof enough. Look at them. Hence you being here, the medication, not to mention the self-medication, the mephedrone and the high strength marijuana that Marcus provides. Would you like a cigarette by the way Jayden?’
Marcus gets up, unprompted, slightly too quickly, holding the fresh packet in front of me. He takes one out and puts it to his own mouth, lights it, draws, exhales, and then puts it to my lips. I can’t help myself, I inhale deeply. Marcus stands behind me to my right and keeps his hand on my left shoulder, massaging it.
‘Fuck you! ‘Fuck you, and fuck your cigarettes,’ as I took the second draw offered by Marcus. ‘I don’t how you made me a smoker. I never smoked.’ Marcus laughs, whispering in my ear, ’the smoking fairy eh, Jaydie boy! Say thank you Boss, and there’s one more for you Jaydie.’ He bends and kisses my cheek.
‘Now now, Marcus, please, be serious.’
‘Sorry Doc, my bad,’ and Marcus puts the cigarette to my lips, and I inhale again, deeply, then blow out a luxurious cloud of bluish smoke, fanning out under the fluorescent lights.
‘Being pimped out. That’s the worst. He’s no boyfriend, he’s a jailer, counting my earnings while I’m forced to spread my legs for strangers, cum up my arse, in my mouth; I swallow it and he forces me to smile and say thank you Sir! I have to lick arses too, it’s horrible. His threats, the violence, I get smacked around, caned if I don’t obey. The chemicals you make me take, frying my brain.
This body? The ink and the scars, my arse lips filled up like a cunt, I feel it every day, the lips, they’re huge, obscene. You must have made my tits fucking huge as well, worked on them, and my teeth chipped. Everything permanent. I fucking hate it. And this fucking cock cage, I’d rip it off if I could. Stop pretending it's all a free choice.’
My rant peters out into coughs, smoke wreathing my head like a noose. I slumped back, chest heaving.
Tears prick my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Marcus gently wipes them away, lighting a second cigarette. The room pulses with tension. Dr. Zim smiles as he looks at his watch.
‘We are at exactly 30 minutes, the high strength diazepam (valium) should be taking effect, quite quickly in fact. Yes, your anus Jayden, you were telling me about it? Tell me what you like best about it?’
‘The guys, the men that come, they say they love it, like a man-cunt, it is my man-cunt I guess, made for cock. Dunno, Boss says its my rosebud..’
‘Would you like another cigarette Jayden?’
‘Smokes? Yeah, shove one over Boss, fuck, yeah I need it’.
‘Good boy Jaydie. We’ll take care of you, take you home.’ Marcus continues to massage my neck and hold the cigarette.
‘How are you feeling Jayden?’ asks Dr Zim.
‘Dunno doc, ok? Horny doc..’
‘Now tell me Jayden, You actually described licking anuses as ‘horrible’, that was your exact word. I want to try a little experiment if I may.’ Zim looked at his watch again, and the door to the office opened and a fit young guy came in. He was wearing overalls. ‘Ah, Tony, right on time. Could you strip for us please Tony.’ The man smiled and pulled off his overalls in one go, they were held together with velcro, like a stripper costume. Underneath, all he was wearing was a bright red jock strap. ‘Now Tony, could you present your anus to the man in the chair please, just as we discussed.’ And Tony came over, straddled the chair (he must have practised this) and pushed his glutes right into my face. ‘Jayden, I want you to sniff Tony’s anus please, and tell me what you think.’
I couldn’t help myself, he was a handsome man, horny, clearly worked out, I could smell his musky hole, and his arse cheeks felt cool on my face. He pushed back, his hole pressed against my mouth. So I licked him, I couldn’t help myself, my tongue went deep and when he pulled away I wanted that arse hole back on my tongue.
‘Tony, tell me about Jayden’s anal skills please, how would you rate him?’
‘Pretty good Dr Zim, enthusiastic, any time this kid wants to lick my hole, he’s welcome.’
‘And you Jayden, how much did you like Tony’s anus?’
‘Ahh man, doc, fuckin’ leng innit..so fuckin horneee.’
‘Would you like your cock cage to come off now Jayden?’
‘Boss..?
‘Good, he’s much more compliant, nearly 100% in fact. The medication in the orange juice is certainly having an effect.
‘Time to get some rest Jayden, time to sleep now. You’ll feel much better for some rest and then, afterwards, maybe some spliff if Boss agrees, and then safely back home to Dalston. You’d like that, wouldn’t ‘you Jayden?’
My body relaxed completely as the medication started to peak. In my mind I am wondering, ’am I watching myself do this? Is it real?’ Marcus takes a quick draw on the cigarette, to finish it, and puts it out, and massages my shoulders.
‘He’s settling now Doc, I’ll get my boy back soon won’t I?’
‘Well,’ says Dr Zim, ‘fascinating isn’t it, how when he relaxes now, under even relatively light medication, the authentic self seems to emerge. The Jacob persona seems to be some sort of coping mechanism perhaps? It’s a strange refuge though, a stressed out financial services worker. The mysteries of the sub-conscious! Marcus, you will definitely get Jayden back and I’ll leave the medical details with you, you know what you’re doing. Keep the diazepam for emergencies.’
As to his lifestyle, the football is excellent conditioning, keep that up, the accent, the body language, it all works. Keeps him in shape too, as best as he can be. I highly recommend regular sex work for him, in my view it’s adaptive, both to pay his own way and reinforcing his identity as Jayden and distancing himself from the Jacob delusion. You heard it here, Jacob doesn’t like sex work at all. In fact, it revolts him, so the best thing to do is to ensure Jayden continues with a regular stream of clients. I’d leave it at two clients a week though, three maximum for now; we don’t want to push it too hard. He’s obviously very well suited to the work, a natural in fact, you heard Tony, and all the client feedback I’ve read is broadly positive. Perhaps some cleaning work at the rec centre if the sex work is thin, for a bit? I’ll leave all that up to you Marcus. He’s yours and I know he’ll be safe with you, I know that.’
‘Sure Doc, I’ll make sure he keeps his legs spread, and his mouth and tongue ready. Make sure he smiles too, positive attitude from you Jaydie lad.’ Marcus rubs his hand over my head stubble. I give a goofy smile and smell Marcus’ hand. ‘He loves it all really Doc, a bump of meph, and that grin, and the way he spreads his legs for the guys. Loves it!’
‘Good man Marcus, I know I can rely on you to look after Jayden properly. We’re in for the long term.’
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