If I Should Fall: The Second Book of Geshichte Falls

THAT SAME SILLY GRIN

CONTINUED

The next day passed with little event, and when Anigel arrived at Balusik’s, Ralph was running the shop and John and Caroline were gone.

“Well, that’s bullshit.”

“You should have called first,” Ralph chided.

“Shut the fuck up,” she said negligently.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Hanging with Vanessa.”

“How’s Russell?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Whaddo you mean what’s that supposed to mean. He’s your friend, how is he? That’s what it’s supposed to mean?”

“He’s your friend too, so you should know.”

“Goddamn, you’re irritating sometimes,” Anigel said, taking a Twix bar and sticking it in her purse as she left.

“Yeah, well… Takes one to know one,” Ralph said to her departing back

“That shit didn’t even make any sense.”

“Where are you going?” Ralph demanded.

“On a goddamned walk.”

As the door to the shop swung closed, Ralph realized, amongst many things, that had he played his cards right, he might have gotten Anigel to watch the store for him so he could leave. Well, it barely mattered, he decided in one of his more philosophical moods. He didn’t really want to go anywhere anyway. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He could put on a bright smile for someone coming to shop. By now he knew what he looked like, handsome in a Joe Football kind of way with a winning smile and good manners. Old ladies liked him. But he didn’t want to be bothered right now with Vanessa even. Or anyone… Well, that wasn’t entirely true, but… no matter.

Anigel thought a walk around the old neighborhood would take just long enough for Caroline and John to come back and for Ralph to get out of his attitude. Ralph was friends with Jason. Russell hadn’t brought up Jason. She didn’t remember Jason being all that. He was good looking, yes, but a boy of little brain. Russell needed brains. And what all were they doing? Surely not just holding hands.

She didn’t know anything about boys or men, or really women if she thought about it. Anigel stopped and told herself, I don’t really know shit about sex. It was embarrassing. She was too old to be this dumb.

When she reached Nassau, the bells of Saint Celestine’s were ringing. Bong, bong, bong, not crying out insistently, just letting you know they were there. Anigel waited for the cars to pass, crossed Nassau and went up the steps. She’d grown up in this church. She didn’t need to rely on the inadequate lighting, the gold and red glares coming from the grottoes of the little chapels.

She made her way to the Blessed Virgin and lit a candle. She did not pay and did not feel bad for it.

“I feel,” she said at last to the woman’s face. “that some people might need this. I don’t know who,” she said lightning another candle, “but I feel like there are people out there... Who could be carried on a prayer... even one like mine. You know, Mary?”

Her face seemed to say that she did.

Russell is not a journal person. He feels like a foolish person, someone who is bent on making bad choices lately. It had been nearly a day and a half since it happened. If it wasn’t days before Christmas, there would have been more light in this room. But then, even with the curtain open, Russell could barely see Ralph dress, barely sees him standing in the middle of the room pulling on his jogging pants, tee shirt, covering up his naked body, the body that clung to him all night. Everything is different. Ralph, bent over now, the weak light calling attention to the bit of hair in his face, kissed him last night. Ralph’s tongue had been inside him. Ralph was inside of him. Ralph told him he loved him. Ralph held him all night, called him baby even. He let Ralph. He wanted him to.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

Ralph reached for his keys and dropped them in his parka pocket.

“Home. I’ve been gone all night.”

“But didn’t your parents…? Are they going to worry? I mean, if you’ve been gone all night… does going home at…?”

Russell blinked at the clock, “Six forty five matter?”

Russell was about to ask if he had even intended to wake him up, but he didn’t like the way that sounded. Ralph sat on the bed, looking, like a grown up. His face sincere.

“Russ.”

Russell felt like he was going to hate was Ralph was about to say. He could still feel Ralph inside of him, still feel his fingertips, his kiss, see that same tender look in his eyes when Ralph had made love to him. He smelled Ralph Balusik in these sheets.

“Russ, I will always care… No, scratch that… I love you. Okay. I love you, but… This can’t ever happen again.”

Russell sat up and Ralph said, “It can’t happen again and… I’m going to need some space. For a while. Alright?”

Ralph looked like he was deciding what to say and then he decided and as he stood up he said, “I… don’t want you to think you don’t matter to me. It’s just I don’t know who I am anymore, so… I need space.”

Ralph frowned and then he kissed Russell quickly on the cheek, and stood up. Lifting his hood, he’d opened the door and closed it behind him.

Justine Barnard crushed out her last cigarette.

“Jilly, honey, when you gonna invite that Shane over?”

Jill, who was sitting on the legless sofa in the cluttered living room, looked up from her magazine and said, “Huh?”

“Don’t be deaf with me, missy? When are you gonna invite this Shane over?”

“I hadn’t intended to.”

“Are you ashamed of the house we live in?”

Jill hadn’t thought about it but now, looking around, she had to honestly answer yes. So she chose not to answer at all.

“I saw that look in your eyes, Jilly. Your father used to give me that look.”

“I have Max Barnard’s eyes?”

“Yes you do.  And his height. He made you pretty.”

“So he really was my father?”

“Is,” said Justine, taking out another cigarette. “Wherever the hell else he is. Of course he’s your father... Why wouldn’t he be?”

“He just said that he wasn’t was all,” Jill explained.

Pausing on lighting her cigarette, Justine cocked her head. “You remember all that?”

Jill nodded. Outside there was thunder. Thunder and snow? What the fuck?

“He said I was no daughter of his.”

“Well the son of a bitch lied,” his ex-wife said.

Then, “But no. Invite him over for dinner. Saturday night good?”

“I guess so.”

“I’ll even cook. What’ll you wear?”

“Ma, how should I know? It’s not till the weekend. What’ll you wear?”

“Jogging pants.”

“Mother!”

“Just kidding.”

Jill went back to flipping through Cosmopolitan and the article about ten new ways to pleasure a man and extend his orgasms.

Justine said, “I’ll just wear my panties.”

“Well, I’m just going to ask,” Chayne said four days before Christmas, “What the hell is going on?”

“What?” Russell said.

“Don’t what me? What the hell is going on? You moping around. I bet your parents don’t ask. But I’m going to ask. What’s going on?”

“I…” Russell began, and then he stopped and said, “It’s a long story that I don’t really know how to explain.

Gilead Story blew out his cheeks and said, “Well, damn it, I’ll explain it.”

“Gil!” Russell came the closest to snapping he ever did, but Anigel had pulled up a chair and Chayne said, firmly:

“I’m done with this shit. Gilead, explain.”

And when he finally had, Anigel said, “Well, that’s why Ralph was in such a mood when I saw him.”

“When did you see him?” Russell said.

“He’s my brother in law…. Sort of. He’s at the store.”

“Right now?” Gilead stood up.

“Are you going to do something?” Anigel demanded.

“Not if you don’t drive me.”

“Gilead isn’t going to do anything,” Russell said.

“Come on!” Gilead said.

“No,” Russell said. “No.”

When Cody swung by 1735 Breckinridge Avenue, he was on a mission for Jill.

“She insists that I have you and Russell over,” said Cody. “Or at least you. We’re all bringing guests. It’s this Saturday night.”

Thom was surprisingly easy. Cody was not used to people just saying yes.

“I’m sure Russell’ll be glad to come too,” Thom told Cody. “Anything to help Jill out of an awkward situation.”

“The awkward situation’s my mom,” Cody said.

“I know, I’ve got an awkward situation of my own living in Fort Atkins.”

“Do they get better with age?”

“No. Not really.”

They both grinned and took out cigarettes at the same time and then laughed again.

“Thom, I really appreciate this,” Cody said, and Thom looked at him strangely.

“Cody, I already said it’s no problem. You know it isn’t.”

“I know,” Cody said. He was about to go on. But he couldn’t explain. He felt a little bit like he wanted to cry. Which was ridiculous because he was happy right now. But he couldn’t really say why.

“Got a minute?” Lee Armstrong stuck her head into her brother’s bedroom.

“Yeah, Lee, what is it?”

Bill was changing. He pulled on his old basketball shorts and a tee shirt.

“We just haven’t talked in a long time is all.”

“No,” Bill looked a little preoccupied. “I guess not. Whaddo you wanna talk about?”

“Nothing,” Lee said. “I wanted to know if you wanted to talk? About anything?”

The hairs rose on Bill’s neck and he said, “Why?”

“Because you haven’t been like yourself lately is all. Me and David were saying the same thing. Bill, if you need us we love you. I’m your sister.”

She came and touched his hand.

“Remember back home when we used to take those long walks through the woods and you would tell me everything? That’s how I learned about Dena.”        

Bill was quiet, nodding, letting Lee talk as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“And you were always my hero. I think you still are. My big brother. And now my big brother is on the same street I am, and I haven’t even really talked to him. And I just want to know how he is.”

Bill hugged Lee and kissed her on the top of her frizzy head. “He’s fine,” he murmured and pressed on a smile.

She embraced him. The smile on Lee Armstrong’s face was so warm and full of life, so trusting. For the first time he felt awful about lying to her. And in her embrace he felt trapped. He desperately needed someone to talk to who was not her.

Bill Dwyer wondered if all men were this lonely.