Crown Vic to a Parallel World

25

PAIN

Shawn and I stopped on the way to the climbing center to get a pair of shorts for him so he wouldn’t have to wear the constraining pants that he’d worn over his climbing suit during the first session.  After that quick shopping trip, we went directly to the climbing center we’d been to before.  The first thing we did when we got there was pick up my new gear.

We retreated to the locker room where Shawn helped me suit up.  Other than making me feel like a sad Michelin man, my baby-blue climbing suit fit well.  It had no fasteners and I had to put it on by climbing into the suit through the neck.  I stretched the suit over my body like a very-elastic stocking.

I struggled into the thing and looked at myself in the mirror.  Besides being appalled at my appearance, I didn’t see how something that stretchy would offer any protection.  I tested the garment by digging my fingernails into the fabric.  The skin underneath only felt pressure, no scratching.  ‘Guess it does work.’ I thought.

We left the locker room and headed out to the wall.  I was pleased to see that the climbing center wasn’t busy.  Shawn said it never was in the morning, and I was glad.  I felt very self-conscious, like a sumo wrestler at a spinning class.  Shawn felt my apprehension and tried to soothe it away. “Everyone is here to focus on their own progress.  No one will even look your way.”

I didn’t believe him, but I appreciated his efforts to focus me.  Shawn guided me through a basic warm-up, then he started me at the beginner’s section of the wall.  Initially, he climbed next to me to watch my technique and give streaming advice.  “Keep your arms straight and push with your legs, hold your hips close to the wall, focus on every movement, plant your hand / foot on the hold and make sure it’s secure before you move.”  It was all great advice, but Shawn was constantly struggling to monitor what I was doing from right next to me.

I had an idea that would kill a couple birds with one big rock.  I made a magic platform with waist-high sides for him to stand on, and I levitated it next to me while I climbed.  Shawn didn’t love the idea of riding the platform instead of climbing along with me, but he realized that we weren’t there to participate in his hobby, we were there to train me.  He could advise me better from the platform than he could from the wall, so he agreed to ride the platform.

From it, he was able to keep a closer eye on me and provide more nuanced advice as I climbed.  Using the platform also helped me because it tested the staying power of my magic.  The other convenient aspect of the platform was that I could easily move Shawn from one side of me to the other.  That helped when he wanted a closer look at what I was doing or when I needed advice about a specific problem.

The climbing was hard work, but I admit, it felt fucking great the first time I struggled over the ledge at the top.  I sat with my legs dangling over the side to catch my breath.  Shawn congratulated me like I’d reached the summit of Everest and he even let me savor my victory over the beginner’s section for about a full minute before he reminded me that I still had to climb down.  I allowed myself to savor the victory a little longer by making him wait while I ate a small, vanilla ice cream from the mountaintop stand.

I made it up and down the beginner’s wall twice in a little over four hours of trying and many falls.  It was far from a speed record, but it was still quite an accomplishment for a grossly overweight rank amateur.  For me, perhaps a bigger success than beating the beginner’s section, was keeping Shawn aloft the entire time, even when I fell.

After I descended from my second successful climb, Shawn asked me if I wanted to go again.  I looked at him like he was crazy.  He took the hint and walked with me to the locker room so I could shower and change.

*          *          *          *

“WASN’T THAT FUN?” Shawn enthused as he drove us from the parking lot.

“I’m struggling to see the beauty.” I admitted from the passenger seat. “My ass is kicked.  I feel like I just worked a double-shift.”  I hadn’t realized that staying on the wall meant my muscles would be working the entire time.  My only climbing experience before that morning was construction related, primarily scaffold or ladders.

When you climb a ladder, if you get tired, you can stand or lean against it and rest.  On the wall, your core is always tight to keep you against it, your arms working to hold on, and your legs working to push up and to keep your feet from slipping off the small holds.  Every muscle I had burned with exertion.  Muscles I didn’t know I had, made themselves known with pain.  All my joints ached, especially my beat-up knees.

Shawn’s outlook didn’t dim a fraction.  “Once you get into it, I think you’ll like it.  Don’t worry about the aches and pains.  We’ll have lunch and I’ll fix you up.”

Shawn sounded like one of those fitness nuts that swears exercise is addicting.  I was an expert on addiction.  Exercise didn’t fit the mold. “You know how you made my new lungs?” I asked with my eyes closed to everything around me.

“Yes.”

“Can you use them as a starting point and replace the rest of me?”

Shawn chuckled and reached over to rub my leg.  Even that hurt.  “I hope you’re not trying to start anything.” I said without humor. “I don’t even have the energy to fantasize.”

He took his hand back and chuckled some more.

I voiced a question that had been forming in my mind the whole of the morning.  “I wonder why I can do some things you can, but not others.  Like, the first time we had sex, you said I seemed at least a little experienced, and we figured some of that was from your memories.”

Shawn amplified my sentiment. “Each time we engage, I’ve been impressed at how quickly you’re improving.  I assumed you’ve been getting inspiration from my experience.”

“Right,” I agreed, “but I can’t climb worth a fuck.  Why do you suppose the sex comes naturally but the climbing doesn’t?”

“Maybe complexity.” Shawn suggested. “The basics of sex are…well, basic.  I’ve been climbing for four years and I still think constantly when I’m on the wall.  Our bodies are very different; weight, reach, center of gravity, muscle development.  All that impacts climbing far more than sex.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” I conceded.

I stopped talking and focused on trying to keep my whole body relaxed as we rode along.  The drive to the hotel took about thirty minutes.  Just long enough for every overworked muscle in my body to tighten up around every stiff joint.  When I asked those muscles and joints to move so I could get out of the car, they protested with so many pops and snaps, it sounded like someone lit a string of firecrackers.  The noise was even loud enough to elicit a pitying grimace from Shawn.

I stalked painfully into the hotel.  I walked with stiff legs and my body held rigidly erect to keep my joints from having to flex.  Shawn and I ate lunch in the bar, where I half-stood and half-perched on my stool because it was impossible for me to sit.  Afterward, Shawn helped me to the suite like I was a fragile ninety-year-old.  I modified that thought to be a ninety-year-old from Earth, because I knew that Ars was already well over a hundred and he moved around better than I did even when I wasn’t in agony.

Shawn took me to my bedroom and used his clinical tone to give me some instructions. “Take your clothes off and lay on the bed, face up.”

I did as I was told, as much as it was possible for me to do it.  Shawn had to help me get my shoes, socks, and pants off.  Once I was stripped to my briefs, he had me lay on the bed.  “Where does it hurt the worst?” He asked.

I thought of answering ‘everywhere’ but swallowed my smart-assed comment and replied honestly.  “My legs are on fire.”

“Just relax.  I can do this without a full connection.”  Shawn cupped one hand under the back of my left knee and wrapped his other hand around the kneecap.  The joint warmed under his touch, and as it warmed, the pain faded.  He removed his hands, and the warmth dissipated, but the pain did not return.

I shut my eyes as he moved to my other knee. “Where have you been my whole life?” I sighed and tried to relax into the experience.  The other joint warmed and the pain faded.

As Shawn worked, I noticed his feelings change.  The enthusiasm from the climbing center was gone, and in its place, he felt pensive.  I remembered that he’d wanted to talk to me about something, but I didn’t expect that chat until later.  I already knew what I expected from that discussion.  I expected him to tell me that I’d have to quit drinking before the mission.

If that’s what Shawn wanted to say, he would have been right.  I’d already thought of that.  Once we were on the other side of the barrier, I’d have to be fully functional until we completed the mission or died.  I also knew that quitting sooner would make the training easier, but I was scared.  The whiskey had been my constant companion for ten years and a frequent friend for my entire adult life.  ‘Where do you hide when there’s nowhere to hide?’ I wondered.

Shawn had said something about helping me deal with the demons, but I didn’t know how he expected to do that.  Beni had encouraged me to accept his help, but he was projecting a long-term commitment.  Shawn and I were half-a-week into a one-month schedule.  Even assuming the best outcome, that we’d win and all live to come back down the mountain, after that Shawn would have no more reason to hang around with me.  There’d be no more threat, no more mission.  He wouldn’t need me to make him feel safe.

“Church.” Shawn said my name to capture my wandering attention.  His clinical voice was gone, replaced with a softer version of his normal tone.  He’d done both my calves and feet and was working on my right thigh.

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind if we talk about…what I wanted to talk about, while I do this?”

I opened my eyes and tried to sit up to give him the proper attention.

“No,” Shawn pushed me back down, “you just relax and let me say what I need to.”

“I won’t interrupt.” I promised and settled back on the bed.

“That’s good.  I have a…a proposal, I guess.  I’m going to tell it to you, but I don’t want you to say anything until I tell you all of it.  There are some conditions that go with it.  You need to hear them to before you decide.”

Shawn sounded like he was leading up to something big.  The way he was beating around the bush made me nervous.

“I’ve given this a lot of thought.” He said as his healing hands moved higher on my body.  His emotions remained mixed, anticipation, some worry, hope maybe.  I wasn’t certain about the last one as I felt it so rarely.  Shawn paused and reframed what he’d already said. “I’ve thought about it a lot, for several days, since Sunday.  I thought about it before that, but I didn’t think you’d want to, or would be willing to.  I thought about it…”

His emotions felt like he was smiling, though his voice didn’t sound like he was talking through a grin.  “…the first time I saw you.  When you went to your car, I thought you were going to ignore what was happening to me and drive away, but you didn’t.  You came back and pointed that cap gun…I didn’t know that’s what it was then, but even if it was real, one against four.  I didn’t know if you were brave or crazy.”

‘I was shitfaced.’ I thought.

“You got us in the car and we raced away from them.  I couldn’t believe what you did.  I thought you were fearless.  Then when you stopped, your hands shook so hard you could barely light your cigarette.  That’s when I realized you were afraid, but you helped me anyway.  That was the moment I knew you were the man I was sent to find.”

‘I wish I was convinced.’ I thought.

Shawn finished my legs and my hips, skipped my middle, and started on my shoulders.  He kept talking as he worked, leading up to I had no idea what.  “You woke up here and you went with it.  You didn’t get excited, not too excited.  When my uncle asked you to help us, you agreed with really no thought.  We needed you and that was all it took.  You didn’t even get upset when we shared memories and our feelings.  Then later, when I was afraid of you, you tried to give me space.  You went out in a strange city and got clothes and a haircut.  You’ve been more-or-less fine with everything that’s happened.”

I was starting to get worried with the way Shawn’s monologue was going.  ‘Ars asked me to save the world with less build-up than this.’ I thought. ‘What’s he getting at?’

Shawn had done my shoulders, arms, chest, and stomach, then he knocked on my sternum.  “This side is done.  Turn-over and I’ll get the kinks out of your back.  I’ve worked on dulling the pain and increasing blood flow.  Your muscles should work more efficiently tomorrow.”

I flipped over and Shawn started with my lower back. “Where was I?” He asked himself aloud.

I groaned as he took the tension out of my spine.  It felt incredible.  I felt a little spike of desire from him as he worked his way up toward my shoulder blades.  He ran his hands from my shoulders down to the middle of my back.  “Sexy,” he breathed.

“What’s that?”

Some sensuous huskiness invaded Shawn’s voice as he answered.  “This back, this big, broad, strong back is sexy.  It’s powerful and masculine and it’s my favorite thing about your body.  I look at this back like you look at my legs.”  He ran his fingers through my hair.  “This long hair looks good on you to.  You’d better turn over before I forget what I wanted to say.”

I rolled toward the center of the bed and stretched.  “How do you feel?” He asked.

“I feel brand new.” I said and meant it.  All the pain had been banished from my body.  In its place was a feeling of well-being.  It was an odd sensation for someone who’d lived like I did for so long.

“I’m glad, that’s what I was aiming for.” Shawn kicked his shoes off and got in bed with me.  He propped himself on his elbow and appraised me, up and down like I’d looked at him the day before.  Shawn had been right, admiration, even as misdirected as his was, did feel good.  His free hand found its way to the center of my chest.  I wondered what it was about that spot that seemed to attract him.

“Church, I know you’re sad and lonely and isolated and miserable.  I know why you are all of those things.  Somehow, you still manage to be a wonderful man.  I know you want me, and you think that’s wrong because I’m so perfect and you’re so broken, but…but…”

He trailed off as his train of thought went down the wrong track and it took him a second to get it back.  “But I’m not perfect, and you’re not too broken to be fixed, and I have fun with you, and I enjoy you, and I like spending time with you, and I think we’re better together than we are apart.  I want you to be my boyfriend, and to let me be yours.”

I opened my mouth to ask him if he’d lost his mind, but he clamped the hand from my chest over it.  “You said you wouldn’t interrupt.” He reminded me.

“There are two conditions to my proposal.  The first, you have to let me take your alcoholism.  I won’t let you continue to destroy yourself.  If the demons are too much to deal with, I won’t stop you from drinking.  If you need it that badly, I won’t make you suffer, but I want you to try.

“The second, you have to let me all the way in.  When you’re afraid or hurt or anything, you talk to me about it.  I promise to do the same with you.  I know you think this is crazy but it’s not.  Search my feelings and tell me if anything I’ve said to you is a lie, or if I’m doing this to thank you for helping us, or if you doubt any of this is for any other reason than love and mutual respect.”

Shawn took his soft hand from my mouth and set it back on my chest.  I did what he’d said to do.  I looked deep into his feelings and found that everything he’d said was true.  “But…” I objected.

He stopped me with an upraised ‘just a second’ finger and made firm eye contact with me as he told me what he wanted in a single statement.  “Church, I want you, and I know you want me.  All you have to do is risk being happy.”

I was stunned.  I felt like, in the inky darkness that made up my life, a single ray of sunshine forced its way in.  It was overwhelming.  Tears welled in my eyes and ran down my face.  I sobbed one of those gasping, desperate sobs that if I tried to hold it in, it would have exploded from my chest.  I turned away from Shawn, rolled to the edge of the bed and sat up.  I covered my face and wept into my palms.

Shawn knelt on the bed next to me.  He put one arm over my shoulders, while the other hand held onto my upper arm.  He whispered in my ear.  “Sssshhhh…it’s alright.  Everything is alright.  I’m here for you.”

Pent up misery poured out of me in bitter, salty tears and wracking sobs that shook us both.  “No…no one…ever…want…wanted…wanted me.” I gasped.

“Ssssshhhh…I know.” Shawn said and wrapped as much of himself around me as was possible given our awkward positions. “But I want you.”

I wanted him and being with him made me happy, but I was so scared.  I still didn’t believe it, didn’t believe I was worthy of anyone’s love, especially someone as perfect as him, but even if it only lasted a little while, that was more than I deserved.  I prayed a desperate prayer to a god I didn’t believe in.  ‘Please let me have this…please.’

I don’t know how long I cried, but Shawn stayed with me the entire time.  He held me and reminded me he was there and everything was alright.  He reminded me that he wanted me.  When I cried myself out, he got a warm washcloth and a towel and wiped my face.

“Yes.” I said. “I’ll be your boyfriend.  I’ll try hard to be what you want me to be.”

“Just be you.  That’s all I want you to be.  That’s all I want.”

If I had any tears left, I would have shed them when he said that.