Crown Vic to a Parallel World

19

Sex, Scars, and the Hard Part

“Sounds like I’m pretty beat the fuck up.”  I said as Shawn drove us onto the road from the main gate of The HALL compound.

Shawn spoke to the windshield, either because he didn’t want to see how I was going to react to what he planned to say, or because he was unwilling to take his eyes from the road.  “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how.  I was upset about my mistake and the link and everything.  I didn’t want to say, ‘oh, by the way,’ and give you a bunch of bad news.  I meant to tell you when the time was right, but then Preacanto started your power and you destroyed the test equipment and I got scared.  I’m sorry for not telling you.  I’m sorry for being afraid of you.”

I looked over at the bloody handprint I’d left on his shoulder when I thanked him for saving my life.  None of the temporary fear or misunderstanding seemed very important compared to that.  “I forgive you.  I’m sorry I rode you for it last night.  I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You were right.” Shawn admitted to my surprise. “What you said gave me a lot to think about.  I knew I had to figure out how not to be afraid of you.  I knew I was being irrational but seeing all that magic…it was a lot to process.”

“Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, it scares the hell out of me too.”  I held my hands up to my face, the hands that discharged power beyond measure.  I couldn’t believe they were the same scarred hands.

“This thing we’re doing,” Shawn whispered, like saying it aloud would somehow make it worse, “I just have to remember that it’s more important than anything I feel, or any doubts I might have.”

He felt determined and optimistic.  I didn’t know optimism first-hand, but it was nice to feel it, even if it wasn’t mine.  “I missed you.”  I admitted.

“I missed you.” He replied, again to my surprise. “I was lonely yesterday.  You were obviously busy.  I like the new look.”

I spun my watch on my wrist and decided I’d had enough serious conversation for one day.  The time was right for some silly.  “Yesterday was weird.  I found out that here, barbers can put hair on your head as well as take it away, and hot chicks will hit on men while they’re shopping.”

I spent the rest of the ride to the hotel telling Shawn about my shopping trip.  I did my best to make everything sound as outlandish as possible.  I wanted to hear him laugh.  He laughed easily and recklessly.  I figured that meant he really was over his fear.

*          *          *          *

I flopped on the couch as soon as we got into the suite.  “Now we have the whole day.  What should we do with it?”

Shawn looked out the window by the desk, his fingertips made little circles on the shiny, white surface of the furniture.  “I should be tired.” He said like he was leading up to something. “All that power I used this morning before I realized I could draw from you…I should be exhausted.  I’m not.  I think being a conduit for your magic recharged me.  Your magic…it’s…there’s so much of it.  It made me feel…I don’t know…like I could do anything.”

The emotional feedback I was getting from Shawn as he talked was strange.  His feelings were curious, unsettled like he was thinking something over.  His fingers glided over the surface of the desk in broader circles, then they stopped.  “I think I’m going to work on your heart.” He said to the window. “You’ll feel better and taking care of those leaking valves will lower your blood pressure.  When I’m done, we’ll test your endurance.”

I didn’t like the sound of that.  I turned to face the blank wall that was an unlit screen.  “If you think I’m going for a run, you’re wrong.”  I grumbled.

Shawn moved from the window and came toward me.  He came all the way over to me and kept coming even after his shins contacted the front of the couch.  His walk became a short climb as he knelt on the couch and straddled my lap.  He pressed his torso to mine.  I leaned my head back to look in his face.

Shawn held my head and threaded his fingers through my long hair.  He seemed to enjoy doing it, and his enjoyment made me glad I’d gotten the long hair.  I felt his breath on my face.  “I thought I’d work on your heart.  When I’m done, we’ll test your endurance.”  He said again and planted a kiss on my forehead.

My mind raced as a warm wave of Shawn’s desire enveloped me. ‘Oh god, oh god, oh god, Oh God, OH God, OH GOD!’ It cried.

“Ooooohhhhh…” Shawn groaned as my lust ignited and washed over him.  He leaned his forehead against mine and looked inside me with his frozen eyes.  “Maybe we should check your endurance before and after.”  He breathed.

“For…aaaaahhhhhmmm…science.”  I gasped as he kissed my face and trailed his lips down along the side of my neck, planting soft kisses as he went.

“For science.”  He breathed and brought his face back to mine to kiss my mouth.

We stripped each other awkwardly, like two dancers moving to different rhythms.  The awkwardness reminded me how unfamiliar we still were with each other.  When we were both naked, Shawn asked me what I wanted.  I didn’t hesitate to tell him exactly what I wanted. “I want you to top me again.”

“Really?” He asked in surprise.

“Oh yeah.” I admitted.  I sensed that Shawn expected me to want to top him.  I’d enjoyed fucking him.  His ass felt great around my cock and I’d loved when he pushed himself back against me until I came inside him, but the sensation, and the intimacy of having him inside me, that’s what I really wanted.  In all the fantasies that I’d allowed my mind to spin for me during all the hours of porn that I’d watched on Earth, I was usually on the bottom.

I’d wondered about that in the past, wondered what that meant about me.  In my youth, I’d concluded that I wanted to bottom because I was a filthy faggot.  That was the way I’d thought about myself then, a ‘godless queer’ to use the words of my mother.  She’d never known, she’d gone to her grave without knowing that her son was one of the things she hated.  She’d reinforced the negativity I always felt for my sexuality, she and the adolescent guys I’d surrounded myself with.  They’d frequently mocked that it’s only gay if you catch.

Years later, when my thoughts on the matter evolved slightly, my conclusions changed.  I’d decided that, because I’d been on my own for so long, because I always had to make all the decisions for myself, that bottoming was like giving that responsibility away.  By surrendering to my partner, he became the one responsible.  He became the one in control.

When I bottomed in my fantasies, I became the receptacle for not only my partner’s cock, but for his desire as well.  For a partner to fuck me, he’d have to want me.  For him to fuck me, he’d have to be attracted to me enough to become aroused.  That’s what I really wanted, what I craved.  I wanted to be wanted.  I knew that Shawn wanted me and that was the greatest pleasure of all.

Even when I set all that psychological bullshit aside, the basic reality was that Shawn had taught me in one easy lesson, it felt great to get fucked.  When he’d put me on my knees in the shower stall, I had no idea what to expect.  I’d never played with my ass.  I mean, a few times, but it hadn’t felt that great.  I’d seen plenty of guys on porn movies, bottoms with their eyes rolled back as an enthusiastic top pummeled their asses.  I’d guessed it was mostly dramatics for the camera.  After Shawn did what he did, I knew it was at least possible that the pleasure they’d displayed had been genuine.

Shawn didn’t need any convincing to do what I asked.  I felt his anticipation increase and noticed his cock inflate to full mast. “Turn around,” he instructed me, “kneel on the couch and rest your arms on the back.  Push your ass out toward me.”

I did as I was told and arched my back like he’d shown me in the shower.  I felt Shawn admire me. “You’re so fucking big.” He whispered. “So big and so manly.  I just love how manly you are.”

He moved forward until I felt his heat, and he put his hands on my ass to adjust its height to suit him.  He pressed his hard cock between my ass cheeks like it was a hotdog in a bun and draped himself against my body.  I felt his hot breath on my ear as he hissed. “Tell me again…tell me what you want.”

“I want you to top me.”

“No,” he disagreed with my words, “tell me what you really want.” He ground his hips against my ass to reinforce his demand.  His cock slid along my crack and grazed my hole, sending tantalizing little shocks through my body. “Say it like you mean it.” Shawn pressed me.

“I want you to fuck me.” I said to try to ‘say it like I meant it.’  I felt him approve of my words, but I felt that he wanted more.  I took a breath and let my voice drop down as deep as I could make it. “I want you to fuck my ass.  I want you to fuck me with that hard cock.  Give it to me, Shawn.  Fuck my ass!”

I immediately sensed that my words had hit the mark.  Shawn was thrilled by what I’d said.  I made a mental note that he liked a little dirty talk with his sex.  I was thrilled as well.  Not only had I given Shawn what he wanted, but I was having fun.  He and I were playing together, and I was so pleased.

Shawn moved his right hand in front of my face and offered his fingers to my mouth.  I slurped them in without hesitation and swathed them with my tongue.  Shawn pulled them from my mouth and took his body from on top of mine.  He stood behind me and rubbed his wet fingers against the outside of my hole.  I felt the same heat that I’d felt when he loosened me the first time in the shower. “I won’t have to do this every time.” He said after my moan of pleasure tapered off. “Only until you get used to being penetrated.”

Shawn’s words added another thrill to my mind.  ‘He plans to keep doing this to me…so much that I’ll get used to it.  YAY!’

Shawn took his fingers from my hole and did something I hadn’t expected.  He pulled me open with his hands and plunged his face between my cheeks.  His tongue lapped over my hole, then he pressed his lips to my ass and started to screw his tongue inside me.

I couldn’t believe the sensations.  My whole body simmered from the stimulation.  It was different from getting fucked.  Less intense, but more intimate.  I heard myself try to respond to what was happening to me. “Oh MY ffffffff…Go-o-o-od…can’t ffff-UCK!”

Shawn rimmed me for a while, he ate my ass while my body simmered and shook with electric pleasure.  I moaned and babbled lusty nonsense as he treated me to a whole series of new sensations.  After a while, though, I found I needed more.  The rimming was incredible, but it was still a surface pleasure.  I wanted more.  I wanted the deeper connection with Shawn that I knew would come from taking him inside me.  I begged him for his dick.

“GIVE ME THAT COCK!” I cried out, both to express my need and to feed Shawn’s desire. “FUCK MY ASS!” Shawn pulled his face from my ass and sprang to his feet.  He pressed the head of his cock against my opening and lunged inside me with one smooth motion.  I cried out at the welcome invasion.  Shawn draped himself against my back again.  He used his hands to grip my shoulders and lever himself along my body until his mouth was even with my ear again.

“How was that?” He asked.

I should have laughed at him.  I should have laughed at his teasing arrogance, and I might have if he hadn’t been balls-deep inside me.  Since I couldn’t laugh, I tried to answer him with words. “A-MAZ-ing.” I gasped, squeezing the syllables passed undulating waves of pleasure.

I felt Shawn revel in my praise.  He reached around my face to turn my head toward his.  He kissed me awkwardly over my shoulder.  I took the opportunity to tell him what I wanted again, to tell him to his face. “Fuck my ass.  Fuck it hard!”

Shawn’s eyes narrowed to sensuous slits and his determination rose to match my desire.  He pushed his body away from mine to give himself the freedom to move and he pounded my ass like he was tenderizing steak.  He fucked me hard and fast.  He fucked me to my blissful enjoyment and to his own selfish climax.

He felt incredible as he pounded my ass, his cock squeezing against my prostate with every thrust.  My own cock was rock hard and dripping.  I ached for release.  I wanted to jerk myself off, to relieve the pressure building inside me, but I knew that would ruin it.  I knew it was better to let the pressure build, to prolong the pleasure.  I gripped the back of the couch to push my ass out for Shawn to batter it and to keep my hands off my cock.

Shawn finished inside me.  His cock thickened as he made the final lunge inside me to flood my guts with shot after shot of thick cum while I joined him in a chorus of shouted ‘YES, YES, YESES!’  When he was done, he laid across me with his still-hard cock inside me.

“Thank you.” He whispered to my ear and kissed the back of my neck.  He didn’t have to move my hair aside because most of it had fallen across my face as he’d drilled me.

“For what?” I asked.  I felt his gratitude was genuine, but I didn’t understand why he felt it at all.  I got as much out of him fucking me as he got out of fucking me, and I knew he’d let me fuck him once he’d recovered from his orgasm.  I couldn’t imagine what he had to thank me for.

Shawn expanded on his thanks, but his words added nothing to my understanding of why he’d thanked me in the first place. “Thank you for letting me enjoy myself.”

That moment didn’t seem the right time or place for a deep conversation, so I didn’t pursue one. “Sure.” I answered and enjoyed the feeling of having Shawn against me and inside me until he caught his breath and asked me what I wanted to do next.

“Turnabout is fair play.” I suggested.

“Perfect.” Shawn agreed and climbed off me.

We switched places and Shawn pushed his ass out to offer it to me.  I wanted to try rimming him, but when I moved to kneel behind him, my knees protested with angry pain.  I got Shawn to shift his position, so he stood on the couch instead of kneeling on it.  That put his ass at just the right height so I could stay on my feet to eat it.

As I stared into Shawn’s smooth, pink hole, I worried about what it would taste like.  I’d seen plenty of guys on porn movies eat ass, and I’d imagined myself doing the same many times, but now that I was confronted by the opportunity, I hesitated.  I moved close to Shawn, close to his ass and peered at it.  I noticed that Shawn’s skin wore a light sheen of perspiration from the exertion of the fucking he’d given me.  It glistened on his creamy skin and made him look even hotter.

I pulled his cheeks open like he’d done with me and put my face against his ass with my mouth closed.  As I breathed, I caught a nose full of Shawn’s masculine aroma.  I hadn’t noticed it when he was fucking me, and I presumed that he’d needed to sweat a little to bring out the scent.  As soon as I smelled him, that was all I needed to break through my hesitation.  I plunged my tongue into his ass and feasted on him.

The flavor wasn’t what I expected.  I expected something off-putting.  What I tasted was the opposite.  It was salty and tangy, more tangy the deeper I went.  I reveled in Shawn’s taste like I reveled in his smell.  I wanted all of it that I could get.  I licked and sucked and lapped and screwed my tongue into his hole.  I stopped prying his ass open so his cheeks would close on my face and envelop me in his musky flesh.  I held his hips so I could push my face into him.  I ate his ass like I wanted to suck him inside out.

Shawn enjoyed my work on his ass.  I could tell by his haywire emotions but also by the disjointed sounds he made as I feasted on him.  By the time I was ready to fuck him, he was begging me for it like I’d begged him.  My pride at being able to bring him pleasure swelled in my chest and encouraged me to try even harder.  I got him to lower himself onto his knees, and I pushed myself inside him.  I wrapped my arms around his body and pulled him to me as I bottomed out.  I fucked him and kissed him and licked at his shoulders and neck and anything else I could reach.

My new lungs enabled me to do more than I had before.  I didn’t run out of wind this time.  I was able to fuck Shawn to my own blissful climax.  I missed the sensation of him pushing back against me, but I enjoyed being able to reach my climax without his help.

Still, as I finished, I realized I couldn’t have gone on for very much longer.  Instead of my wind failing me, this time it was my heart.  It jack-hammered in my chest like it was trying to beat its way through my ribcage.  I couldn’t even support myself while I recovered from my orgasm.  I felt dizzy and had to sit on the couch next to where Shawn was kneeling to keep from falling over.

Shawn saw that I was in distress.  He did a quick, superficial check on me to make sure I was OK, then climbed into my lap.  He balled himself up and laid against me with his head on my chest to listen to my heart pound while I recovered.  He reached up and kissed the side of my face, then settled against me like he had been.  “When you’re ready,” he said to my chest, “I’ll connect to you so I can fix your heart.”

“Thanks.” I gasped.

“And then…” He trailed off.

“And then?” I asked.

“And then…we’ll go again.”

*          *          *          *

We had sex for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon.  Each time we finished a round, we would catch our breath and snuggle a bit until one of us would initiate more sex.  I kept expecting my energy to flag, but it didn’t.  Shawn’s didn’t either, so we kept going.

After the first round on the couch, we moved to the bed.  Half-way through the second round, I found myself on my back with Shawn on top of me.  He was on his knees between my legs, topping me with just the motion of his hips so he could keep his face in mine, and we could kiss while we made love.  It was the first time we’d had sex face-to-face.

While I preferred the physical intensity of getting pounded on my knees, the tenderness of having sex face-to-face was its own intense pleasure. “You’re so beautiful.” I said to Shawn’s shimmering, sweaty face as his raven hair fell around both of us like a fine lace curtain.

He smiled at the compliment and licked the end of my nose with the tip of his tongue in appreciation.  He kissed me and I savored the saltiness of his mouth.  When he took his tongue back, he smiled at me again and brought his right hand up to my face.  He ran his soft fingers over my cheeks and across the bridge of my nose.

My face felt warm for a second, then the feeling faded.  He’d done something, but he didn’t say what it was.  “What did YOU do?” I asked.  My question came out unevenly as Shawn chose the moment I’d asked it to bury his length inside me.

“A little present,” he breathed over my face, “I took care of those burst capillaries in your face.  They won’t come back now that your blood pressure is normal.”

‘Polishing a turd.’ I thought to myself, but I didn’t say anything.  Instead of negativity, I gave into the moment and wrapped my arms around Shawn to pull him against me, like I never wanted to let him go.  He read my embrace as enthusiasm and upped the intensity of his fucking to our mutual enjoyment.

Somewhere around two o’clock we broke apart from whatever round we’d just finished.  Shawn had loaded my ass again and had stroked me to a climax in time with his.  He pulled out of me and collapsed at my side to recover.  We laid together, panting.  I wrapped my arm around him and drew him into my body.  He used my bicep as a pillow.  “How many was that?” He asked.

“I…uh, I…uh,” I stammered while my overhauled heart hammered merrily away in my rebuilt chest and my new lungs caught my breath as easily as a sprinter would catch a man on crutches, “four, I think.”

“I think that’s right.”  One of Shawn’s hands kept score while he made up names for each session.  “Doggie on the couch, missionary in bed, sideways in bed, then missionary again…yes, four.”

“Why?”  I asked.  I was keeping a running tally, but I didn’t know why he would.

Shawn answered me with a question I hadn’t expected. “What’s the most sex you ever had in your life?”

I had to think about that.  It had been a long time.  I had to think way back to my senior prom to recall sex with another person.  “Twice.” I recalled. “I have lasted three times, but I was alone, and it was a rainy day.”

Shawn seemed to really be working hard on figuring something out.  I didn’t understand why it mattered.  I mean, I was surprised at the amount of energy I had, but I figured it had to do with my new insides making my body work the way it should.  It was a gift horse that I didn’t plan to look in the mouth.  Shawn wanted the answer though.  “My record with people is three,” he remarked, still deep in thought, “and never more than twice in a row.”

Shawn thought some more without letting me in on his musings.  I got tired of waiting and asked what he was worried about. “Shawn…is there a point you’re getting to?”

He rolled into me and shoved himself up on his elbow.  “I feel like I could go again.”

“Great!”  I reached for him, but he pushed me away.

“NO!  I mean, I should be exhausted, so should you, and we’re not.  Why?”  He laid a soft hand in the middle of my chest and left it there.  “I think your magic is supporting us.”

I didn’t see a problem with that and said as much. “Isn’t that a good thing?” It was plain that Shawn was concerned, but the ‘why’ eluded me.

“It might not be.” Shawn reasoned in a quiet, thoughtful voice. “Over time, it could be bad…like the long-term effects of a stimulant.”

“Are you trying to tell me my magic might be like steroids?”

Shawn’s eyes shifted around while he considered my question.  I assumed he was looking for the definition of ‘steroids’ in my memories.  “Yes,” he said finally, “something like that.”

He’d expressed the potential risk but hadn’t offered a solution. “So, what do we do?”

“Nothing.” Shawn said to my complete surprise.  He patted my chest and rolled to lay flat again.  “If we’re still here, we’ll worry about it.  It will be a benefit you’ll bring to the team.  Having a constantly renewable power source on a fighting mission doesn’t sound like a bad thing.  I worry about the load it puts on you.”

He didn’t make me ask why.  He either felt my confusion or knew that he’d have to keep explaining for me to understand.  “Your body converts mass to magic.  There isn’t enough magic to go around.  Anyone you get near, will draw power from you.  I think that’s why your overflow broke the catalyst this morning.”

“Why?”

“The whole world is calling for power.  Your body is pouring energy into the environment in response.”

“Like heat from a bonfire?” I asked.  Shawn’s explanation reminded me of Beni’s analogy.  It seemed to fit.

Shawn nodded against my arm.  “Yes, that’s good.  You’re the fire and everyone is warming themselves on your heat.  The trouble is the amount of fuel it takes to feed a bonfire.  We need to start monitoring your weight.”

I laughed and heaved myself up.  I climbed off the bed and laughed harder.  I slapped my gut with a disgusted palm.  “I should be so lucky.”  I went to the bathroom to pee and came back to get dressed.  “I’m hungry.” I announced. “Let’s get some food up here.”

“I’m serious about this.”  Shawn insisted as he sat up to scowl at me.  “You could be in real trouble.”

“Shawn,” I took a shirt from my dirty clothes pile on the floor and pulled it over my head, “Shawn, there’s at least sixty pounds between me and looking damn good.  Probably another twenty before we could even start to worry.  Your uncle wants us killing Pravus in a month.  There is no fucking way I’m gonna lose twenty pounds a week for the next four weeks, especially with as hard as I work to stay fat.  Get dressed,” I clapped my hands, “hungry.”

“I’m serious.”  Shawn insisted as he climbed out of bed.

“So am I.” I teased. “You’re the one worried about me losing weight and you won’t get dressed so we can eat.  I could waste away right here.”

Shawn’s face scrunched with revulsion as I pulled pants over my sweat-slicked legs.  “Shouldn’t we shower first?”

Shawn’s reluctance to dress frustrated me into action.  I marched to the sitting room, gathered his clothes, came back, and pushed them into his hands.  “No.  Hungry now.”  I pointed into my open mouth.  “You dress.  We eat.  Then wash.”

He started dressing but the scrunch didn’t leave his face.

“I call.  What you want?”  I said, unintentionally carrying the joke too far.  “What do you want?”  I asked again, once I’d turned off my inner caveman.

Shawn said that he wanted a pasta dish that I thought sounded good.  I called and tried to order one portion for him and a double for myself.  There was some of the standard confusion about how to separate the meals.  I gave up and told them to just send three portions, that we had a lunch guest.  When I hung up, Shawn was dressed but clearly not happy about it.

“I wish you would have let me shower.”  He complained and tugged at the shirt that clung to his skin.

“I’m sorry.”  I bowed to him.  “As punishment, when we do shower, I’ll let you make me wash your back.”

Shawn abandoned the discussion with a small shrug and we sat on the couch to wait.  He took my left hand between both of his and traced the scars with his fingers.  “What you said earlier, about not saving a world I’m not in, that was sweet.”

I didn’t answer.  I wasn’t sure that what Shawn said needed an answer.  I was also busy watching what he was doing with my hand.  Seeing his hands next to mine, my paw looked like a pair of slip-joint pliers from the bottom of the toolbox, that pair that gets used as a hammer more often than it gets used as pliers.  By comparison, his hands were like fine surgical instruments, elegant hands.  The metaphor was as heavy-handed as the moral in a children’s movie.  I was a disaster and he was perfect.

“I could take these scars away…if you wanted me to.”  He offered.

I feared that he’d read my mind.  For just a second I wondered what it would be like to have perfect hands, like his.  ‘Just more lipstick on a pig.’ I thought and refused.  “No, those scars aren’t like the gin blossoms you erased.  I earned those scars.  They’re part of who I am and what I did to get here.”

Shawn felt a little disappointed, but he didn’t press me.  “I guess I could understand that.”  He said and stroked the back of my hand.  He didn’t say anything for a minute but the anticipation he felt told me that he was building up to something.  I waited until it came.  “Church, are you falling in love with me?”

I panicked.  I tore my hand from his grip and jumped off the couch, but I didn’t know what to do next.  I went to the windows, so I’d have an excuse to look somewhere that wasn’t at Shawn.  My watch leapt into my hands and stretched between my fingers.  My mind threatened to tear itself to pieces as it argued with itself.  ‘Do I love him?  How could I not?  He’s perfect…beautiful and young and warm and perfect.  But it’s not just physical.  He’s such a wonderful person.’

‘But it’s not fair for me to love him.’ Half of me scolded the other half. ‘If that’s even what I’m feeling.  How the hell would I know?  What does it even mean to love someone?  Even if I did know and did love him, what could I offer him?  What could I add to a relationship?  No, tell him no.’

“No.”  I lied to the window and hoped Shawn would let it drop.

“You know you can’t lie to me.”  He said to my back.

I slipped my watch on and rubbed my face like I hated it.  He’d seen right through me.  I reacted by getting angry.  I spun to face him and threw my arms out wide.  “I don’t know, OK?  Fuck, Shawn, with all the shit that’s happened since Wednesday night…I can’t fucking believe that’s all it’s been…HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW WHAT TO FEEL?” I exploded.

My anger scared him.  He felt like he’d done something wrong and tried to apologize for the question.  “It’s just, the way you said what you said to my uncle…I just thought that…I don’t know what I thought.”  Shawn trailed off and shrank into the couch.

I felt like an asshole.  I sat on the couch and draped my arm around him as part of my apology.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset or to upset you.  In a perfect world I’d be six inches shorter, a hundred pounds lighter, twenty years younger, and much better looking.”

Shawn objected to my words.  “But then you wouldn’t be you.”

“Exactly.”

He patted my knee and apologized to my apology.  “I’m sorry for asking.  It’s hard to love someone else when you hate yourself.  I should have remembered that.  We’ll figure it out when we get back from the mountain, until then, let’s just enjoy each other.”

‘Optimism and the familiar specter of self-loathing,’ I thought, ‘that’s interesting.’  What he said needed much more analysis, but room service knocked on the door, and that interruption effectively ended the episode.

We ate, then took a playful teasing shower and lingered under the water.  When we finished, we went back to the couch in just our robes to watch television.  At six I got up and asked if he wanted to join me in the bar for dinner.

“Why go down?” Shawn asked me in surprise that I’d want to leave his side for any reason. “Why not call for room service?”

I pulled my watch off and closed it in my left palm.  I tried to explain without exposing too much of myself and the harsh reality of my addiction, but that wasn’t something it was possible to do.  “I want the experience.  I want a bartender to bring my drinks and my meal.  I want to make small talk with a stranger.  I want to search for my happy place in a quiet bar.  Doing it that way makes me feel like a person.  Sending down for a meal and a bottle, makes me feel like the drunk that I am.  I’d like you to eat with me but I understand if you won’t.”

My words had unsettled him.  Shawn was confused, sad for me and upset with the situation.  He felt a little lost, and he wrung his hands in his lap to prove it.  “Couldn’t your happy place be here with me?”

I rubbed my neck with the hand that didn’t hold the watch.  I dug deep for an explanation that wouldn’t sound like a petty rationalization.  “Shawn…me needing to go downstairs is not an insult to you.  You made me very happy today.  I’ve made memories and felt feelings that I will treasure.  I would like to stay here, with my arm around you, but I can’t.

“Even if I set aside the physical addiction that you said you could help with, there’s still the quiet time.  Later on tonight, you will go to sleep, and I’ll be alone with my thoughts.  That’s when the demons come.  Unless I can shut it out with booze, I’ll have to live it again.  I won’t live it again, Shawn, not even for you.”

Shawn tilted his head and flicked his eyes to my clenched left hand. “The day you put that watch on.” He surmised.

‘He’s seen it.’ I thought with crushing shame. ‘I hoped he wouldn’t.’  I admitted he was right.  “Yes.  That was the worst day.  Even if I don’t have to live that one, there’s still every day that came before it, and every day that came after.  This day, today, the day you gave me, might be the only day of my life I’d be willing to live over.  But my mind won’t give me this day.  It will be one of the others, and I can’t bear to face them.”

I pried my hand open and slipped the watch back on.  “I’m going to get dressed and go downstairs and pretend I’m a real person until I can’t anymore.  When I’m done, I’ll come up here and go to bed.  I’d like you to join me in the bar, but I understand if you won’t.”  I said my peace and fled to the bedroom without waiting for his answer.  I wanted to leave him alone to decide, so he’d feel no pressure to do what I wanted him to.

I selected clothes and started to dress.  In the back of my psyche, I felt Shawn’s indecision.  I felt him consider my words and what the right thing for him to do might be.  I didn’t feel all those specific things, but I felt the emotions and guessed the rest.  Shawn was upset and a little sad.  He was pensive.  He was thoughtful and a little lonely like anyone would feel when they have to make a difficult decision.  I felt his location change as he went to his room.

I glanced at my bed, at the heap of tangled sheets that we’d left behind when we went to eat.  I thought about how much fun it had been to tangle those sheets.  I hoped that Shawn would eat with me but tried not to hope too hard.

I finished dressing and opened the bedroom door to pass through the sitting room on the way out of the suite.  Shawn was coming out of his room at the same time.  He was dressed and ready to go.  He paused and waited for my full attention.  “I’ll have dinner with you,” he said and averted his eyes, “but I won’t stay the whole time.”

“I’ll take what you can give me.  Thank you.”  I opened the door and held it for him.

Downstairs in the restaurant, Beni greeted me with a familiar smile and a knowing wink.  He welcomed us to his establishment and saw to our every need.  I tried to reign in my drinking as much as possible, so I would be good company for Shawn as long as he decided to stay.  I stuck with ginger-ale highballs instead of straight shots.  Shawn and I had a nice meal together.  When it was done, Shawn excused himself to go back to the room.

As soon as Shawn was out of sight, Beni appeared in front of me with a straight double that I badly needed.  “Congratulations, sir.” He said in his low, deferential voice. “It looks like you managed to convince him.”

I knocked my drink off in a lump and handed the glass back to Beni.  “Yeah, well, I had an accident this morning and he had to save my life.  I think seeing my blood convinced him I’m human, not a monster.”

Beni took my empty glass away and returned with a full one.  “Was it worth it?”  He asked.

I couldn’t keep the smile off my face as I answered.  “Yes, Beni, it was worth it…four times.”

Beni congratulated me again.  He shook my hand between both of his.  In the next moment, his face grew serious and he nodded at the glass on the bar.  “I take it this part is difficult for him.”

I raised the glass and studied the amber in it.  “Yes, this is the hard part.”

“Do not despair, sir.  These things have a way of working out.”

I appreciated his optimism but didn’t share it.

*          *          *          *

A couple hours later, after I’d achieved the level of incoherence I sought, I left Beni and returned to the suite.  I felt Shawn in his bedroom as I passed through the dark sitting room to my room.  I stripped to my briefs and struggled to untangle the sheets so I could get between them.  Despite my best efforts, the sheets refused to untangle.  I’d almost given up when a courtesy knock preceded Shawn’s entry into the room.  “Leave that alone and come to my room.”  He said and took my arm to lead the way.

I refused to be led.  I was embarrassed, the slurring alcoholic who can’t even straighten some sheets out.  I hated myself bitterly in that moment and I wished Shawn would have just stayed in his room and left me alone with my struggle and misery. “Why, you want to feel safe?” I asked snidely, lashing out at him for my shame.

“No,” Shawn said and pulled harder on my arm, “I want you to feel that way.”

If I wasn’t so hammered, I might have wept at his kindness.  I almost did.  I followed him to his bed, and he tucked me in as gently as if I were a child who’d had a bad dream.  He got in next to me, pulled my arm around him, and settled against me.

Shawn’s emotions were sour, and it took me a minute to figure out why.  It was because he felt bad, but the feeling wasn’t pity.  He felt bad at my situation.  I hated that he felt bad because of me.  “I’m sorry I’m so broken.”  I whispered to the dark.

“Sssshhhh, just sleep, Church.”

I shut my eyes.  Oblivion found me quickly.