Conceived without sin

A glimpse of an ass

-Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I had recognized the voice. I was sitting in the confessional hearing the monks’ confessions. In other countries, my answer would have been “conceived without sin”. So there in the small church of our monastery I heard now Brother Lorenzo’s words. We were a Franciscan monastery. It was up in the mountains, not too high, but it was an idyllic mountainous landscape, with a beautiful river down below, and some small villages close to us, where we sometimes went to confess, if we did not want the monks in our monastery to hear our sins. There were people from all around the world here.

Brother Lorenzo was in his twenties. I never knew his real age, even though we used to talk frequently, often in the library or in the spacious chapter house. He was a novice, he hadn’t been ordained yet. He’d come to our monastery after having lived a tumultuous young life, never knew exactly which, but I think he was involved in a robbery, that’s all I know. As a consequence of this crime, he was sent to jail, together with his girlfriend, who also took part in the robbery. When they were released, they separated. And being a young man with strong beliefs, he decided to come to our monastery six months ago. We used to chat about many things and he seemed really learned in theological matters.

Lorenzo Quesada is not very tall. He’s blonde and athletic and he’s a very handsome boy. But wait, why have I written this? Vanity of vanities; if it’s true that the beauty of God’s creation can be seen in the smallest details, in the magnificence of the cosmos, in the splendor of the sea, of the mountains, even in insignificant animals, like ants, it is also right to see God’s beauty in the face of a human being, so Lorenzo’s face should only add to the beauty of the universe. So he’s handsome, but for other people, of course, he should not be handsome for me. But as one of God’s children, he’s beautiful too, so I’m not gonna erase what I have just written.

I’m Gunther Wosnik and I entered the monastery at 22, having always been determined to consecrate my life to God and I was ordained at 28. Eight years later, I continue living here, faithfully devoted to read God’s words and hear my brothers’ confessions.

-Tell me, brother. What do you have to say?

-I did it again last night after having spent half a year not doing it, since I entered this monastery.

-What did you do?

-I had to jerk myself off last night in my bed.

-You know masturbation (in that moment, I used only euphemisms: masturbation, ejaculation, penis…) is a sin, and being almost a monk, it’s a more serious sin, brother.

-That’s why I’m telling you my sin, father. But I can’t believe God will send me to hell for this.

-He won’t if you repent first. But I can see no contrition in your words.

-Father, forgive me, but if an earthly father can forgive his son for masturbating, ok I’ll use your words, the God we believe in, God Love remember, should also forgive us, whether we repent or not. But instead, he does what no father on Earth would do and that’s burning us. And not only burn us once but he wants us to eternally burn. Can you think of a greater cruelty, Father? I believe God is love and you share my opinions, Father Gunther.

-Are we gonna have a theological discussion now, Brother Lorenzo? Why are you confessing then?

-Just in case, Father. I don’t wanna burn eternally. But I think God is love. You can see his love in everything in creation.

-Sometimes I’ve told you, brother and I tell you again that I wish I had your simple faith. But ok, you can tell me.

-I’ve chosen you, Father Gunther, for I know well other monks would have sent me straight to hell.

-Ok, brother, if you haven’t finished, you can go on.

-I wanna confess my whole sin, father, tell you why I had again the need of masturbation.

-Ok, tell me.

-Now I’m afraid you will tell me my sin is still a more serious sin, father, but I have to tell you –it seemed hard for him to go on, but eventually he continued speaking-. Last night I was walking down the corridor to my cell, the last one, you know and there are twenty cells there. Well, one of the doors was open and it was only a glimpse…

-What did you glimpse?

-Well, one of the monks must have just had a shower cause he was wrapped in a towel and suddenly the towel fell and I could glimpse his ass…

Just a parenthetical remark. Of course our monastery was not as old-fashioned as those of the times of The Name of the Rose and each cell had its own private shower.

-And… -Brother Lorenzo kept on talking-, it was just a glimpse of that ass, father, but you should have seen it. I never wanked over my girlfriend’s ass. But it’s an ass that should be sculpted for anyone to see, everybody on Earth should have a chance to watch that ass and honour it. Of course I didn’t want to stop. That monk could have seen me, so I kept on walking towards my cell and there well, I had such a big erection that I had to do it and…

-Brother, you know well what I am gonna tell you: masturbation is sin, but masturbating over a boy is a greater sin and over a monk! And a man of God!

-It was just homage to its beauty, father. An ass is part of the beauty of humans and can also be honoured. Why did God give us a pleasure member then, if we cannot use it?

-You can use your penis, but just to bring children to this world, you know that, Brother Lorenzo.

-And what about sterile men? They can use their dicks only to piss?

-You keep on discussing theology with me, brother. That’s not what you’re here for, remember. So I ask you again: have you already finished?

-Well, that night I had to do it, or else I would stain my habit with semen even if I didn’t masturbate, but there’s something more, and now I’m afraid you’ll send me to hell, father.

-You know I’m here to hear your sins and give absolution. So tell me, brother, what else do I have to know?

-Well, the cell whose door was open and the ass I could behold was your ass, father. I know now you will be really angry but you have a wonderful ass, an ass that for the first time in my life has made me wank over a boy.

May God forgive me but as I heard his last words, I was unconsciously getting an erection, but it was because I’d always been a man of God, even before I entered the monastery and I’d never had sex, not even with myself for I had only masturbated once in my life, a masturbation I do not want to remember. And having never had sex, I never knew whether I was attractive and for the first time in my life someone was praising me. But it’s not that Brother Lorenzo was telling me I was handsome. He was simply praising my ass and of course I shouldn’t get an erection at that, should I? So I wasn’t angry at my novice brother, I was getting angry at myself. I had to ask him.

-Did you sodomize me? I mean in your masturbation, of course.

-No, father, I didn’t. I simply wanked over the memory of your perfect ass and was simply looking at it and even went as far as touching it, that’s all.

-Have you finished, brother?

-I have, father. Now I’m afraid you won’t like to talk to me anymore. And I’m also afraid I will often have to wank over your ass, Father Gunther.

-I’m your father confessor. It’s not my mission to get angry at sinners but to forgive their sins. But I see no contrition in you, Brother Lorenzo.

-I do repent, father. I’m only sorry that I will have to do it again, my new discovered lust being stronger than me. But you can sin and later repent and then you are forgiven. That’s the grace of absolution, isn’t it, father?

-Well, I only hope you don’t do it again, Brother Lorenzo, but I forgive you in the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.

Finally Brother Lorenzo went away and all that day I had to meditate on what he’d told me. I was uncomfortable; not only for what he had told me, but because of the strange movements one part of my body was doing all that day.

Freedom can move your life and it can be seen even in the hardest conditions, together with love and friendship, happiness and beauty. Have a look at the life of eight beggars who live together at: https://luces-delatierra.blogspot.com/ or in English at: https://lightsoftheearth.blogspot.com/