It was a strange feeling for Jeff, as he lay there, just enjoying being in Mike's presence, in the after glow. In some strange way, he felt more satisfied than at any other time, and as he felt the warmth of Mike's body next to his, he couldn't help but wonder at what had taken him so long to speak up, to let Mike know how he had felt.
He really couldn't help feeling this way, it was really like a dream coming true, like winning the Lottery. Inside he could feel the way his body was still shaking, from the wild emotions that came the second he first touched Mike's naked body. Not when he managed to breath in that musky scent of his groin, but the actual first touch, his finger against Mike's flesh.
Even now, he couldn't believe how it seemed to have made his whole body shake, how it seemed to just suddenly come alive. Like how it actually felt the small current of breeze in the room, how the hairs on his body seemed to all be standing up on end. Nothing had ever made him feel this way, as his eyes once more moved up, to gaze into Mike's face.
He had seen that look, and now he once more saw it, but there was a cloud or pall coming between them, that he hadn't noticed before. The look in Mike's eyes was changing, that made Jeff suddenly feel a sudden coldness creeping in. They had just shared something special, but he could see that the glow of the moment was wearing off, that reality, was once more intruding, coming between them.
The roller coaster seemed to be running, as he felt dejected for some unknown reason, though deep down he knew that the elation wouldn't last forever. Staring at Mike, he could see the doubts, the fears too which surprised him. What did Mike have to fear? Did he maybe think Jeff would out him, would talk about how he did his straight friend?
Part of him wanted to reassure Mike, but then another part told him to keep his mouth shut. To not rock the boat, unless necessary, and as he felt the uncertainty inside, he noticed how Mike suddenly drew his legs upwards, pulling them together. A sort of emptiness hit the pit of his stomach, as he saw how Mike seemed on edge, seemed nervous, really.
Jeff saw how Mike suddenly twitched, at the sound of his voice, and how his eyes grew a bit wider, like some animal being caught in the sudden glare of a light.
'Uh yeah, uh, look, I should get going,'
He felt the dejection inside, the sadness, as he saw how suddenly scared Mike looked.
'Sure? I mean, maybe we could hang out, go to the mall or something.'
'Uh, can't, I uh have some errands to run, but maybe another time, I, I'll call you later, okay?'
Inside, he knew that Mike wasn't going to call, that somehow what had happened was beginning to bug him, that maybe he wished he hadn't given in or done it. There was no other way to explain the frightened look on his best friend's face, as he watched him swing his legs off the bed, opposite to where Jeff was.
He stared at Mike's backside, as saw him stand up, and move to gather his clothes up, moving sideways, almost. It was like he was ashamed of being naked, of Jeff being able to see him.
Jeff just stared, saying nothing as he watched Mike bend and pick up the clothes, then quickly slide his underwear up. The moment was gone, he knew that, still inside, he didn't understand what had suddenly changed for Mike. One second they were staring at each other, feeling close, feeling a connection that was more than just physical. Hell, he could still taste him, his seed and he knew he wanted more, but didn't know how to ask, how to express himself.
Instead of speaking out, he sat there in silence. His own dick no longer aroused, but shrunken, as he saw Mike's body become once more a mystery to him. The clothes were covering it all, and he could see how Mike's body suddenly relaxed, once the pants were zipped up and belt buckled.
Jeff could see how his shoulders had relaxed, how every muscle in his back seemed to just let go, and once more there was the familiar slouch to his friend. He felt rather disappointed, even a bit apprehensive, as Mike finally turned to face him. There really wasn't much else to say, as he saw Mike smile at him, a more or less forced smile. It looked strained, as he just smiled back, still naked.
He also noticed how Mike avoided looking, and yet earlier it was as if he couldn't stare at him hard enough. How his eyes had taken his naked body in, at how it had gazed at his hard dick. How good that had felt too, and now it was gone, just like that. Somehow, he knew that Mike wasn't going to call, that some excuse would be given, once he finally did get in touch.
Jeff watched as Mike left the room, not even waiting for him to get off the bed, and dress. It was almost as if he had an urgent need to leave, without really even saying much else, other than a quick 'later'. He heard him running down the stairs, knowing that he was taking them two at a time, just as they both used to do when heading out together.
He could feel the sudden emptiness inside, the feeling like he had lost Mike. It was not as intense as it had been in the morning, and yet it felt even worse. Jeff couldn't explain it, as he lay there, not sure what had happened, or if he had done something wrong. Again with the guilt, but even as he finally moved his body, he could still feel the brush of Mike's pubic hairs against his nose, the press of his groin against his own face.
Trembling a little, he realized that he might never get to feel that again. It wasn't like he had started out to seduce Mike, to force him into letting him suck him off. That had been Mike's own idea, first at their spot, and then when he came here. He hadn't told him he wanted to, least not until Mike forced his confession.
Maybe if he had, first thing, Mike wouldn't have rushed off so fast. As he let his legs dangle over the bed, and he stared around for his own discarded underwear, he wondered what it was that had gotten Mike rattled, so quickly after? It bugged him, but not like the rejection he had been subjected to earlier in the day. This was a different rejection, one that might not have felt like an arrow in the heart, but in its own way, was far more painful.
He didn't understand it. If Mike hadn't wanted to let him suck his dick, why did he? If it bugged him, or something, why did he come back to the house, wait for him, and then push for it? It wasn't like he had asked him to strip, or to climb onto his bed and spread his legs, with that hard dick sticking up. So why did he feel like Mike was disgusted with him?
For the rest of the day, and evening he found himself walking aimlessly around. Watching television only found him staring at the screen with a blank expression, so that when a program ended, he hadn't a clue as to what had just finished. Jeff had waited for that phone call, but as he had known, it hadn't come.
Several times he had reached for the phone, even going so far as to almost dial Mike's complete cel number, but stopping just as it came time to enter the last digit of the number. Each time, his finger hovered over that last digit, and he simply replaced the receiver.
More times than he could remember, he had looked at his own phone, had clicked it to make sure it was getting a dial tone. He had kept flipping it open, checking the bars, to see if he was still in range, getting a signal, and yet no call ever came through.
In his guts, he felt miserable, knowing that this was not going to be the golden day he had hoped for. Even the fact that he had gotten more than he had dreamed for, in that Mike had let him suck him off, wasn't helping him feel like he thought he should. He should be bouncing off the walls, with joy, instead of feeling like the world had ended for him.
Truth was, Mike hadn't said anything to make him feel this way, but his look, how he had acted after, all seemed to be conspiring to making him feel so, well, alone. It wasn't like he hadn't gone over it a thousand times, and nothing he could think of, seemed to provide him any answers, as to why the sudden switch.
Granted, Mike was straight, and he had obviously enjoyed the blow job, but so what? How could that make him suddenly not want to be around him, or at least call him? Wasn't like it was going to be a regular thing. Hell, he didn't even think of trying to do more, or ask for more. Maybe he had thought about it, at the moment, but no friggin way would he have said or shown that he wanted to do it again, or to do more.
In the past, when he used to think of Mike, of how it would feel to be naked next to him, to hold his cock in his hand, to taste it, it always made him squirm, made him super hard. Yet now, with the real thing firmly planted in his mind, he couldn't even get it semi hard. Thinking of that cock, of how it had tasted, of how it had smelt, didn't even get his dick trembling, let alone rock hard.
That isn't how it was supposed to be, he thought. Coming out to Mike, was supposed to make things easier between them. Least that had been the plan, had been the reason for it. At first it hadn't, but later, well it had been total confusion, but Mike had seemed to come around, to understand. Or had he?
Had the ties they had made Mike act before he had thought about it? Had his own look, his own look influenced his friend so that he had given in to him, rather than refuse? It was all so confusing, and the more he thought about it, the more confused he got. Even trying to not think about it, was impossible.
Nothing seemed to work, to get his mind from thinking of Mike, of what had happened. He found himself arguing, with himself, as he tried to figure out if he should do anything, or let Mike have the time he needed, to sort out whatever had spooked him.
In the end, he had finally accepted that he couldn't push Mike, that if he needed time to think, to figure stuff out, he had to give it to him. He came to the conclusion that if he pushed, he'd lose him for sure, something he really was desperate to not see happen.
That long night had finally turned into an endless parade of empty days with more empty nights. Jeff still kept hoping Mike would call, that whatever was eating at him, was confusing him, would sort itself out, but as the days came and went, as the time for his departure to University loomed closer, he began to realize that for now, Mike was lost to him.
It hurt too, and there were times when he found himself in tears really. They had been through a lot in their friendship, and now it seemed like it had all ended, because he was Gay, had a thing for Mike. Maybe he should have lied, not told him how he dreamed of Mike, of how he imagined what it would be like to have sex with him.
Maybe then, Mike wouldn't have felt obligated to let him suck him off, maybe then Mike would be here now, at the bus station seeing him off, instead of elsewhere. Maybe they would already have plans to meet up, during a long weekend or holiday, instead of him not even knowing if Mike was still talking to him.
No phone calls, nothing since Mike had simply walked out on him. Maybe he should have called, but as each day passed by, he knew it would only be harder. He should have called him the next day, but now it was too late to go back, too late to fix what was becoming painfully obvious, that their friendship had ended.
Heading off to college might help ease the pain he was feeling inside. Maybe it was meant to be this way, but he still couldn't help but feel he had done something wrong, that somehow this was his fault. Oh sure, he had his fits of anger too, blaming Mike for being a pig headed fool, for being a stubborn ass, but after each of his outburst, he would feel like it had been his fault, not Mike's.
If he hadn't been Gay, they would still be friends, but being Gay, was who he was. He couldn't change that, couldn't make that go away, but he didn't have to tell Mike. He could have kept it a secret, not blab it to him, and sure as fuck, didn't have to tell him that he dreamed of him. That was simply stupid, but then again, was it?
Sitting in one of the old worn chairs of the bus depot, he wondered if maybe he had somehow manipulated Mike, to give him what he had always wanted? Had he somehow made Mike feel like he had to undress, had to let him suck on his dick? I mean Mike wasn't some weak willed guy, he had a mind of his own, but had he used his own charm, his own charisma to maybe influence Mike just enough, so he could see him naked, see him full hard?
Then too, if that was true, how come Mike had one of the hardest erections he had ever seen? Shit, even the guys in the few porn flicks he had seen didn't seem to be as hard as Mike had been that day in his bedroom. So if he had somehow coerced Mike into letting him suck on him, how come he had such a raging hard on?
All he knew for certain was that he didn't have any clear answers. He missed Mike, missed seeing him and just hanging out together. It would have been a better memory to take with him than what he was taking. Maybe in time, he'd think differently, maybe even the memory of sucking on Mike's cock might be enjoyable, but so far it had been nothing but a total turn off. Before, he could get it hard just thinking of Mike taking his pants off, now with the real thing to remember, it felt different, felt less exciting.
Hell, he had even written in to one of those advice columns that were in the magazines, and the instant he had sent it off, he knew it had been a stupid move. He also knew the answer he'd get, which was to get over it, to move on. Well easy for them to say, they hadn't spent their childhood with the guy, hadn't come to love him, as he had.
And maybe that was it, right there in a nutshell. It wasn't the idea of seeing Mike naked, or of sucking his dick, or even maybe having him fuck him that had been the turn on. Maybe it was simply that he had a crush on the guy, that he had wanted to be loved by him, as he loved him. Worse, maybe Mike had sensed that, which is why he had bolted.
Glancing up he stared up to where the huge clock was. He saw how it was coming closer to departure time, and he felt the hitch in his heart. He had insisted no one from his family come down with him, in case Mike showed up, but deep down he knew that wasn't going to happen either. He just didn't want anyone around, to pester him about being so glum, about looking like the world had ended.
For him, in one way it did feel that way. His whole childhood was ending. He was going to college, leaving everything behind. Nothing would ever be the same, even if he did come back for visits. He felt the tremble inside, felt the fear of what lay ahead, and what was being left behind, when he felt the tap on his hunched over shoulder.
Glancing around, he saw him. His heart quickened, as Jeff realized how much he had been hoping for this moment. Mike was there, but as he looked up into his face, he could see how pained Mike looked.
'hey, I uh, I was hoping'
'I know, uh, look Jeff, I should have called, but, uh'
'yeah, I tried a few times, well I thought about it, but'
'it shouldn't be this hard, uh, can we take a walk outside, before, I mean do you have time?'
Jeff glanced back over his shoulder at the clock, realizing that he really didn't have much time, but enough. He nodded and picked up his bag, letting Mike lead the way out of the station.
They turned the corner, to where the building ended, and a small entrance way for the buses was. Mike looked around, then leaned against the brick wall, shuffling his feet, and looking downwards at them.
'I should have called.'
'I guess I could have called you.'
'So, I have to, I mean there isn't much time Mike.'
'Yeah, I know.'
'Then, what? I mean, I think I get it, and I am sorry Mike, I really am.'
'Sorry? Shit man, you didn't do anything, not like you can help who you are, anymore than I can. Not your fault.'
'Then, well why did you bolt?'
'I can't, I been thinking of that, ever since, I really have, and it is just, I don't know Jeff, it just seems, well wrong.'
'What? That I like you that way, Shit Mike, I told you because you forced me to, I wasn't planning to, I mean'
'yeah, I know that, I asked, kind of wish I hadn't now, but it isn't that. I mean, in some ways, its well, nice to know, sort of.'
'Then, fuck you are really messin' with my mind Mike.'
'Not half as much as you messed with mine.'
'what the fuck is that supposed to mean?'
'You don't get it do you?'
'No, obviously I don't.'
'I can see that.'
'Christ Mike, I am leaving town, I don't know how soon I'll be back, and right now, you aren't making it easier. So what the fuck, I am sorry you can't accept me liking you that way, I really am, but I do, and it isn't because you are hot or sexy, but because of, well, just because. I am sorry it makes you uneasy, I really am.'
'It isn't that Jeff, though maybe, oh shit, maybe it is that too.'
'If it isn't that, then, I don't get it?'
'Fuck Jeff, I liked what you did, okay? I liked it, a whole lot, which I shouldn't have, I mean, I am not that way, I shouldn't have liked it, not one bit, sure as hell not as much as I did.'
'You did? I mean, for real?'
'Yeah for real, and its bugged me since, it bugged me right after, and ever since. I just'
'What, thought that because you liked it, that you had to be queer like me, that it?'
'I guess, if you want to put it that way, yeah, I mean how can a straight guy like it, if they aren't, you know'
'knock off the put downs, okay? You know what I mean, and it isn't'
'I guess, just that, shit I thought I'd never see you again, that somehow I had ruined our friendship. And look, I mean just because you liked it, doesn't make you Gay.'
Before he could reply, he heard the announcement echo from the entrance. The booming voice was giving the first call for passengers for his bus, and he felt like time was going to run out, before they could sort things out, fully.
'Yeah, I do, but fuck Mike, you sure have rotten timing, I have to go, I'll miss the bus, but just 'cuz you liked it, doesn't mean jack. Fuck, this sucks, I mean'
'There is a later bus.'
'I know, just that, I have to check in by a certain time, or I'll miss out on the dorm assignments. I gotta have a place to sleep, or I'd take the later bus.'
'Okay, I know, look, what if I come up this weekend? Maybe we can talk then? I don't want to lose our friendship Jeff, I know I should have called, should have said something, just, fuck it's taken me all this time to make some sense out of it.'
'If you want, yes, I'd like that. I do, if you do.'
He felt his body shake, felt tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. The idea that what he had thought was lost, really wasn't, was exhilarating. He didn't feel so empty, or alone as he realized that Mike meant it. It wasn't like the promised phone call that had never come, this was different. He could feel it, deep down in his bones. Mike would show up.
'Here, take this, just, just don't open it around anyone, okay? I uh, I know you gotta go, but I will be up this weekend, I promise. Okay Jeff?'
He felt Mike thrust the brown envelop into his hand, as he heard the second call for his bus, knowing he didn't have much time left.
'Uh, okay, what's this'
'We'll talk this weekend, I'll try and phone after dinner tomorrow, okay?'
'Open it later, alone Jeff, okay? Promise?'
Mike smiled and was already turning away to leave, as the announcer boomed out, giving the last call for passengers to Jeff's bus. Jeff felt himself tremble a bit, as he stared at Mike's retreating back. He wanted to watch him leave, but couldn't. Gathering his bad, he made his way along the platform to the bus, clutching the brown envelop, wishing that he had called Mike.
Jeff managed to just make it, as the silver door was beginning to close. He managed to climb up, hand his ticket to the driver, and found his way towards the back of the bus. No one had taken the rear seat, which suited him fine. He had noticed a few others stare at him, but all he could think of, was that this weekend Mike would be up at the campus.
He'd have to figure out where they could stay, that maybe there was some motel or something, or maybe he could bunk in his dorm room? He'd have to check that out, once he got his own room assignment, and as the bus lurched, beginning to move away from the platform, he realized that he was like some giddy kid.
It wasn't like he expected they'd be having any sex, but that they were still friends made everything seem okay. Jeff felt a bit light headed, as he turned to stare out the window, and as the bus rolled out of the driveway, onto the main street, he saw Mike standing there. He could see his hair swaying a bit, and he couldn't help but smile.
As the gears clashed a bit, and the bus picked up speed, he looked down at the envelop in his hand. It felt a bit stuffed, and as no one was around, he figured he could open it, for a quick peek inside.
Carefully he opened up the flap, that had been loosely gummed together. Inside, he noticed a few pages of loose leaf paper, with a paper clip over some thicker paper behind. He pulled it out, and removed the paper clip.
On the loose leaf pages he recognized Mike's handwriting, and as he flipped past them, he realized that the pages behind was photo paper. It was the kind they used in their inkjet printers, to print out pictures. He was rather curious as he flipped the loose leaf pages further off, to see that the first photo was a bit blurred at the top of someone's head.
Pulling the page up, his hand suddenly stopped, trembling a bit as he recognized the figure in the photo. It was Mike, but as he stared at it, he understood why Mike was insistent that he not open it with people nearby. Quickly he lifted up his eyes, to make sure no one was watching, or able to see what he was looking at.
Satisfied, he felt his face grinning, as he pulled the photo up a bit more, revealing a picture of Mike, an obvious self taken picture. The photo was a bit blurred at the edges, bit out of focus, but as he lifted more of the photo up out of the envelop, Jeff felt his face flush. Mike was naked in the picture, and while he stood very erect, that wasn't all that was standing at attention.