Chapter 1

'Yeah I am gay.'

'I knew it, I knew you were a fag'

'Look Mike, it isn't what you think, it'

'Like hell it isn't, how could you? I mean all this time, and you liked dick? You are sick man, you need help.'

'Come off it Mike, you don't mean that shit.'

'Fucking right I do, all these years, how long dude? How long you been drooling over my dick? Gawd, it makes me sick, to think fuck Jeff, just, just fucking go, okay? I don't want to, just fuck off.'

'It was never that way Mike, Christ, I thought you at least would'

'What? Thought I'd be okay with my best friend being queer? Man you are sick, just leave, go, just leave, I don't want to hear anymore, just leave.'

He knew that look, knew it from times before and let his head look away. Inside he felt the pain, and he could taste the bile in his throat as he turned away from the angry look of his friend. Jeff knew it was pointless to continue, to try and explain it, as Mike simply wasn't going to listen, least not now.

Maybe after it had sunk in, maybe when he cooled off, he'd come around, but taking one last look at his friend of over 12 years, he didn't see much hope of that happening, anytime soon. His heart stuttered a bit, as he shuffled out of the door, heading down the stairs towards the front door. He looked up, to see Mike staring down at him, and he thought about making one more stab at it, but didn't.

The hate that came from Mike's eyes was too overpowering. He could see how his chest heaved from his anger, how his lips were tightly pursed together, adding to the sense of anger that was directed at him. He sighed, and turned away from his friend, knowing that he really was alone.

It hurt, to think that what started back in grade school was over, in such a flash. Here he was eighteen, about to head off to college, and he was leaving a lot more behind than just childhood memories. He was leaving behind friendships, that had been built over a long time.

As he walked down the sidewalk, he heard the front door of Mike's house slam shut. Turning he saw the dark brown of the door, knowing that he had been wrong. That for all those years, he had believed that he and Mike shared something special, beyond just school friends. It wasn't like he thought Mike was gay either, and other than a brief fantasy of him, he never looked at him that way.

Mike obviously wouldn't buy that, and no way could he tell him either. Sure, Mike was hot, had a great body and build, but he just never let himself really think of him, in quite that way. Okay, maybe he had a few summers back, but that was when he was realizing that he liked guys, over girls. It wasn't like he had acted on those thoughts, and okay, so he had sneaked a few peeks in, and yeah, it had gotten him horny, but he had never let Mike know.

So what the fuck was the harm? He felt his chest heave a bit, as he walked down the sidewalk, not sure where he was heading, just as long as it was far away from one more disappointment in a growing list of failures. Life fucking sucked, he thought, as he let the sun beat down on his shoulders, as his feet just kept him trucking on, going anywhere, but back.

What hurt the most was that Mike had never seemed homophobic either. Like that time when they were juniors at High School, and some kids were picking on a new transfer student. They were all pushing the guy around, who everyone assumed was Gay. They were calling him fag, queer, sissy boy, and it was Mike who stopped them.

It didn't make sense, because he had risked his whole reputation, stepping in to protect the guy, who they didn't even know. Hell, he had backed Mike up too, like a friend should, so why the fuck was Mike being such a dickhead now? Why could he stand up for some stranger, but not accept his best friend being one?

He knew he was acting like a baby. Jeff wiped his eyes, hating the tears that just seemed to keep on rolling down his face. He hated feeling this way, and why should he be so upset? Okay, so Mike took it bad, he was better off without him, if he was such a bigot that he couldn't accept his best friend being gay. Like it wasn't like he had asked him to have sex with him. So what the fuck, was his problem?

Alright, so some of their old school friends might make some smart ass comment, but it wasn't like they'd be seeing them much. They were all off to College or elsewhere, and frankly, who gave a shit what they thought anyhow? Not like Mark or Jason or the others would pick a fight with either of them, least of all Mike. After all he was not some geek from the Computer Club, but was an accomplished High School athlete.

Shit, Mike had taken All District, for boxing, had been runner up to State Champion, so what was his problem? So what if he hanged out with a gay guy? Wasn't like Jeff was a slouch either, sports wise. He had done pretty good in Baseball, and had won his heats in Track. Okay, so he didn't make State, but that wasn't because of him. He had done his bit on the relay team, so what the fuck was Mike's problem?

None of that would be changed, if they all knew he was Gay, they couldn't take away any medals, and so what if some might think that Mike and him were bum buddies? They thought that when Mike had stood up for that new buy, Henry. It had been a rough few weeks, but they had survived it, and no one knew that he was gay.

So if Mike could stand up for a stranger, why couldn't he stand up for his friend of twelve years? It was pissing him off, but it hurt more. To think that he'd risk it all for some stranger, but not for him? Like where did Mike get off on that, yet he had let him. He hadn't stayed, hadn't fought for their friendship either. Maybe it wasn't that Mike was anti gay, maybe just surprised?

He looked up, to notice that he had walked a fair distance. There really wasn't much point in going home now, his parents wouldn't be there, nor his sister or younger brother. They were all off for the weekend, and in some ways, he was rather glad of that. This wasn't the time to have to put up with his Sister's knowing smirks, his younger brother's nagging either.

Sure as hell wasn't the time to deal with his parents either. They had enough of their plate, though he was fairly certain they had a clue, an inkling. The way his Mom had shushed his Dad, when he had been suggesting that at college he'd find a nice girl. She had to know, and by how quickly his Dad had picked up on her signals, well, he had to know too.

Then again, maybe they didn't? Jeff didn't want to have to deal with that, as well as Mike. So he was glad they were gone for the weekend, but now, he felt even more alone, more isolated. Glancing around, he decided he'd head a bit further, to the one place that held nothing but good memories.

It was their spot, where they always went when things were a bit hot in town. It was the spot where he had ran to, when he had heard about his grandmother, and it was where Mike had found him, to calm him down.

It was the place where he and Mike had their first joint, their first beer even. It was the place where he had sat up all night, keeping Mike safe, after he had tried some mushrooms, and had a really bad time of it too. It was the place best friends went, when things needed to be thought about, to be talked over.

As the wind picked up a bit, he saw the grove of trees, and the fences alongside the road. He was nearing 'their' place, where they had first talked about sex, about dating. It was the place where barely into their teens, they had discovered the joys of jacking off.

Maybe it was that memory that had gotten Mike all steamed up? But shit, it wasn't like he knew shit about being gay or straight back then. He didn't even know about sperm, or any of that stuff. It was just two kids entering puberty, and it wasn't like he stared at Mike's little dick then either. Wasn't like he thought much about it, other than how cool it was, how it had made him feel to feel that shudder, then that warm stuff ooze through his fingers.

Like he knew what an orgasm was back then? Yet it was out here, under that big old tree, where they had both found out about the mysteries of the body. As he climbed over the broken down fence, he sighed, realizing that all the good times he had shared here, were just that. Memories only, because there would be no Mike to help make new ones.

If anyone doubted he was queer, they'd know it for sure if they stumbled onto him now. Christ, he was like some unstoppable faucet, dripping buckets of tears at the drop of a hat. Wiping them away, for the umpteenth time, he felt his chest heave a bit, as he slowly made his way through the tall uncut grass of the field, towards the trees, towards their spot.

He couldn't remember who had found it, but it had been theirs ever since he could remember. The big tree was never crowded by the new growth, and it looked out across the field, hidden by the grass and other trees, but from it's huge trunk, you could look out and see everything.

It was a perfect spot, because no one could sneak up on you, not that they had any reason to hide. They were kids, and it was just a place to sit, to talk, to unwind. This was where they talked about their dreams, about the teachers, homework, family. Nothing dirty, nothing perverted, and they would simply lean back against the huge tree trunk, and look out, talking when the mood suited them.

That was what he would miss, that friendship. It wasn't like he would stare over at Mike, at his stretched out body, at those long legs spread just slightly apart, as were his own. It wasn't like he would try to snatch a glance at his crotch, least not that he could recall. Still, it was obvious that Mike thought he must have, must be thinking that all Jeff ever did, was try to get into his pants.

There had been times, when he wished he could share some of those things with Mike. Like how he had felt, when he had been with his first guy. To say it had been different was an understatement. It had scared him too, but he never talked about it, never mentioned it. Come to think of it, they really didn't talk all that much about any sexual experiences. Not even Mike, which he had to admit, was odd.

Jeff had tried the straight game, for show. Yet, he couldn't really remember, now, that first time being with a girl. Thinking about it now, as he pushed past the bushes, to enter the grove of trees, he realized that even Mike seemed less forthcoming about his exploits. Hell, he could remember when Mike had said he and Cathy had gone all the way. How his eyes had seemed so dull then, not excited at all. How he had said it was just 'okay', not what the guys in the locker room made it out to be.

Sure, they had talked about the various girls they had dated, nothing really specific. They had commented on the breast, on the pussies, but nothing too graphic, nothing you could really call 'exciting' or 'arousing'.

He moved inside, and saw the tree. How big it looked, how sturdy too. It was like nothing could faze it, not wind, fire, rain, not loss of friends either. It was there, would be for a long time to come, but somehow he felt sad, like a big part of his life had been ripped away from him. Okay, he couldn't blame Mike, after all he had never even tried to discuss it with him, or hint at it.

Yet, how do you hint that you like guys over girls to someone like Mike? I mean he was always popular, the guys and girls all liked him, as did the teachers. He wasn't your typical jock. He studied, got decent grades, and still went out a lot with different girls. So how do you hint that you are into guys?

Besides, what could you say? 'Oh look at so & so, man what a basket on him'. That sure as fuck wouldn't be subtle, and he hadn't a clue how to be subtle. What could he had said, to make Mike wonder, to prepare him for a day like today? He could have brought up stuff about Gays, like the whole marriage crap that was going on, but then, he had, and it hadn't gotten him anywhere.

Maybe if he'd discussed it more? Though Mike seemed uninterested, yet said he never figured out why it was such a big deal with some. He personally hadn't given a shit if two guys married, or girls. And that was it, nothing else, though he never pursued it, either. So maybe he should have? Maybe he should have tried to engage Mike in more talks about it, or other stuff, like letting Gays serve in the military.

Jeff let his hand run over the rough bark of the tree, as he thought about it, knowing that there was no easy answer to it. He couldn't just bring it up, and it wasn't like guys his age really talked about that shit. Hell, he wasn't even sure how he felt about it, and he was Gay. How the fuck was some straight guy going to care?

Sitting down, and leaning back against their tree, he stared out at the field across from him. How tall the grass looked, how it moved in the small breeze, making it seem like it was a chorus of hands waving. He felt so alone, wishing that Mike had understood, hadn't flown off like he had.

He had said some harsh stuff, and maybe he was right? Maybe he was sick, to feel the way he did. After all, a lot of people said it was abnormal, that it was freakish. Maybe they were right, though if they were, why wasn't there any way to change it? Jeff sat there, feeling like he didn't know which way to turn, to go.

Deciding to tell Mike, was not a spur of the moment thing either. He had thought about it for some time, until this morning, when he finally made up his mind. Okay, he was heading off next month to College, and Mike wasn't joining him there, so he figured, now was the time. Obviously that was wrong, but why should it have been?

He had trusted Mike with a lot of stuff, in their friendship. How he had puked when going down on that cheer leader when he was sixteen, or how he had been really hard pressed to get it up, when he had been dating Suzie. Now, those might not be hints, but they were personal, private. He had shared that stuff with Mike, who had shared some of his own experiences. So how did it all go so wrong?

Maybe he should have thought more about it, before springing it on him, but fuck, he had lost enough sleep worrying about it. Sure, he could have kept quiet, and truthfully, he wasn't too sure why he had this urge to tell him. He couldn't explain it, but for months he had felt like he needed to tell him, to let him know. Why, well, that was still a puzzler for him, as he stared out at the field.

How could he have been so wrong about him? Why didn't Mike get it, that it was still him, still the same guy who had held him close that night, when he had a bad trip on mushrooms? That didn't make him trying to seduce him, or get him over to the gay side.

The guy had been so scared, had been crying too. He had to do something, to calm him, and holding him close, well it had seemed the right thing to do. It had worked too, because as long as he was being held, Mike didn't freak out, didn't go off on some crying jag either. Surely that had to count for something? Just a bit of understanding?

Instead he gets told he is sick? That he needs treatment? Fuck, that wasn't right, or fair even. Maybe he did need help, if what everyone though was true, but there were just as many who didn't see it that way, who saw being gay as being natural, as being normal.

Wasn't like he had decided to give being a gay a shot, because his straight sex life sucked. Wasn't that he was so inept at straight sex, that he opted to try it out with guys. If anything, the few times he had managed to find another guy, he didn't think he had quite passed muster. Sure as hell not when that one guy had tried to fuck him up the ass.

God, that had hurt so much, that he had stopped him from going any further. Come to think of it, he had bolted from the bushes, pulling his pants up, feeling scared shitless as he raced away from the little clearing the guy had taken him too. Wasn't like he was a dog either, had a rather cute smile, nice dimples really, and he had seemed nice.

Course he was a bit older than Jeff was, and he knew what he wanted too. He had the spot all picked out, had the condoms too. Still, he had ran, and never had taken a dick up his ass, yet. He wanted to, but it wasn't like guys like him wore signs or anything.

Lot different with girls, you could walk up, ask them out on a date, and not get punched in the face. Try that with a guy, and you could wind up not only decked, but in a hospital room. Why couldn't Mike see it that way? Like who could he talk to about it, if not his best friend? Wasn't that what best buds did, talk about stuff they couldn't with others, including girlfriends?

Like he could see it now, talking with Jane or Mary, telling them that yeah, it was okay to fuck them, but what he really wanted was to have a dick up his own ass, to have someone suck his dick that didn't get lipstick on it. That would have gone over really good, and while maybe Jane might have understood, the others sure as fuck wouldn't. So who was he left with, but Mike? There was no one else, and he was scared.

That was the truth of it all. He was frightened of going off to college, of not finding anyone, or maybe of finding someone. What if he got drunk at one of those infamous college keg parties, and blurted it out that he was gay? Would he ruin his whole college years because of drunk indiscretion?

Could be worse too, instead of just blurting it out, he could make a pass on some guy, and that would be one for the books. Hell, he had been blitzed when he had met Ryan, who had been his first. He had lucked out too, because Ryan was in worse shape than him. And to this day, he rather doubted if Ryan even remembered the blow job that Jeff had given him.

He had nightmares about that one, for weeks after. Mike had asked, but back then, well no way could he have told him about it. Bad enough to have told him today, about being Gay, just imagine what he would have done a few years ago? Then too, he should have known better. Booze and him never got along. He was what you called, the kind who had a real low tolerance for alcohol.

Like they would joke about the girls, who one sip and were gone, well he was the male equivalent. Give him a couple of beers, and he was falling down blitzed. Mike on the other hand, well he seemed like he could handle it pretty good. Yet he never seemed to go out and party that hard, despite being what you would call a typical teenager.

Drugs weren't their thing either, which he had to admit was a good thing. It was the sports thing, that kept them both from hitting most of the crap out there. Mike had experimented a bit more than he ever had, but he wasn't a druggie. Oh they smoked the odd joint, between them, and usually it was here.

Wasn't like they went out back of the school, like so many did. They had a few puffs, and Mike was funny when he was stoned. He had this permanent grin that would show up. His teeth would glisten because he never could close his lips over them, when stoned. Plus, he would giggle, for no reason. He'd look over, with that stupid perma-grin and start giggling. He'd laugh so hard, tears would roll down his face, and it would get him laughing too.

All that was gone now, simply because he had to tell him about being Gay. Man, why couldn't he have just kept quiet? Not like telling him would help him deal with College life, or in being able to tell who, on campus, were gay or not. He still couldn't tell, and didn't think he'd ever get the hang of that, of knowing who was, or wasn't.

Jeff pulled his legs up, and rested his head on top, as he tried to figure it all out. To try and come to terms with being alone, that being gay was more like having some disease, that made him an outcast. He knew, deep inside, that he was just feeling sorry for himself, but damn it, he hated being gay.

It cost him Mike, and while Mike was hot, it was his friendship that he had lost. It was that which he wanted, which he'd gladly trade all the blow jobs, all the ass fucking, for, if he could. Not like he had got lots, though if you believed a quarter of what the magazines said, every teenager that was gay, had tons of gay sex before even coming close to heading off to college.

Well, maybe they did, but he sure as fuck didn't. He wished he had, wished he could figure it all out, but maybe Mike was right, maybe he was sick. If being gay was normal, like some said, how come no one was willing to stand up and say so? Henry sure as hell didn't, and he not only looked gay, but talked like one too. That high voice, the way he would gesture with his hands, how he walked, all said he was gay, but he wouldn't admit it.

Didn't stop others from picking on him, from making his life miserable, but would it have helped if he had admitted to being Gay? He doubted it, and he wished he knew the answer, wished he could have talked about it with Mike, but he hadn't. Hadn't gone after Henry either, which he knew was gay.

Leaning against the tree, he wondered why he had never pursued Henry? Okay, he was a bit on the thin side, and wasn't what Jeff would call all that good looking. Still he had some good qualities. He wasn't ugly, didn't have a bad case of acne or anything, but he was too girlish for him. Still, if he had made a play, would he have responded? Even thinking of him now, he didn't feel any physical reaction.

Somehow he had this whole sex thing wrong. Maybe he couldn't find another gay guy easily, because he really wasn't gay? Could he be just, well, frustrated at not scoring with the girls, as most guys did? Like Mike? Could he simply be imagining all this preferring dick over pussy stuff, simply because he wasn't good in bed with girls? That maybe he was too scared, so that is why he had trouble getting an erection when with them?

After all, eventually he did get it hard enough, he did manage to get his rocks off, so was it simply that he was a frustrated rookie at sex? Sure, he got stiff pretty hard when he looked at the gay magazines, at other guys and their dicks, or spread apart butt cheeks, but was it some quirk, due to his fear of being with girls?

If he was honest with himself, the few gay experiences hadn't been exactly much different. He had problems getting stiff, hell, he had problems getting naked in front of them. So, maybe he wasn't gay? Could it be that simple, in which case, maybe Mike could help? Maybe if he explained it, like that, to Mike, he would understand, would realize that Jeff really wasn't gay?

Mind you, he didn't believe it, so how could Mike? That was one thing, Mike could usually tell when Jeff was talking out of his ass, and this would be no different. He got stiff from seeing dick, from seeing guys having sex with guys, and the girl magazines, did nothing for him.

Staring at the glossy photo's of girls with boobs, of their legs spread open, did nothing for him. It didn't stir his dick a single bit. Now give him a nice ass spread apart, tiny tufts of hair around that pink hole, well his dick was like a steel girder. Just like it was right now, from just thinking of a guy's asshole. So no way could he bullshit his way out of this one, least of all with Mike.

The guy knew him too well, and he him, or so he had thought. It still didn't make sense, at why Mike had gotten so pissed off? What did he think, that he would ask him to let him suck him off? Or something? I mean yeah, Mike was hot, but he was straight, so why would he ask him that kind of shit?

It wasn't like they were exactly shy around each other, but still, thinking about it now, it wasn't like they were naked in front of each other. Sure a few times, like on sleep overs, or when they would go down to the river in the summer. Still, they generally wore their shorts, neither of them really going whole hog. Yeah, he had seen the outline of Mike's cock in his wet shorts, had seen his shorts tented when he would get out and run to the bathroom on sleep overs, but like that was normal. He always woke up with a boner, so how did him being Gay, change all that?

Maybe he should have paid more attention. Taken more note of those moments, when Mike had a hard on, or he could see it. Maybe then he wouldn't feel like somehow, he had missed out on whatever it was Mike was accusing him of?

The cough made him snap his head upwards, his thoughts of what should have or could have gone as he stared up at the figure now standing in front of him. He saw the sun behind him, shining and blurring the image, until his eyes adjusted to the brightness.


'Yeah, me.'

'How did you, what are you doing here?'

'Where else would you go when you are in one of your moods?'

'Yeah, well I am not leaving, I got here first, if you don't like it, well you can piss off somewhere else.'

'Don't go throwing a hissy fit, it makes you seem like some wusse.'

'Fuck Off'


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